Here are some quotes from the movie Roxanne
C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got... Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose! C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that? Dean: Fourteen, Chief! C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped. [he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on] C.D. Bales: All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
C.D. Bales: [after Mayor Deebs tells him about his idea to use a cow as the Oktoberfest mascot] I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's, it's, dare I say... genius? Ah, no, no! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it...
C.D. Bales: I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.
Chris McConnell: [Roxanne spies Chris in a bookstore] Hey, did that copy of 'Being and Nothingness,' by Jean... Stationery Clerk: Jean-Paul Sartre? Yes, it did. I got it right here! It's all paid for. Chris McConnell: Great! Okay, thanks a lot. Stationery Clerk: De rien. Il n'y a pas de quoi. Chris McConnell: All right, okay... Stationery Clerk: It ain't nothing, bro! Chris McConnell: [reading as he exits bookstore] "... therefore my body is a conscious structure of my consciousness..." Andy: Yeah. Thanks, Chris. I was too embarrassed to go in there and ask for it myself. Chris McConnell: A little light reading, huh, Andy?
[C.D. drops from a tree in front of the ladies] C.D. Bales: Where am I? Nina: You're in Nelson. C.D. Bales: Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home! [waves to sky] C.D. Bales: Bye! What day is it? Nina: Friday. "Dallas" is on. C.D. Bales: Friday? Then it took no time! It didn't exist in time! Dottie: What? C.D. Bales: The spacecraft! I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me. Lydia: I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it? C.D. Bales: Lights? You never saw so many lights! It was like Broadway! Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms! He walked like this: [makes pucker sounds] C.D. Bales: Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me. Dottie: At Roxanne's house? C.D. Bales: That's where they are right now! Dottie: Ah, this is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go. C.D. Bales: You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women. Nina: Why? C.D. Bales: Because they wanted to have sex with them. Sophie: Where? C.D. Bales: Here! Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing." Lydia: We do! Sophie: It's been so long! Dottie: Oh, girls, girls! Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women? [pause] Dottie: Let's go and check it out!
See you in the Ether,