Thursday, 10. December 2009, 19:57:23
I really hate to talk about this subject I'm bringing up, but I'm finally getting so pissed that I feel like I need to bitch about it just for a second. What the fuck are the Jacksons doing? Where do they get off trying to reclaim their fame through the death of Michael? I can't seem to get away from the advertisments for this new series "The Jack5ons." This new reality show follows the remaining 4 brothers and documents their preparations for the 40th anniversary of the Jackson 5. Guess what? They aren't 5 anymore! ONLY 4 NOW! And the most famous and well-liked part of the group is dead. I find it in such bad taste that A&E is letting this fly on their network, albeit I never really watch anything on A&E. I can't seem to get over the fact that this show probably got signed mostly due to the buzz around Michaels death. My question is: who cares about the other 4? Does anyone honestly think they are (or were) as famous as Michael? Will they EVER be? My point is they are old news. Sure they are related to the king of pop but that doesnt mean they live in the same kingdom. I wonder how long they will ride on the coat-tails of their fallen brother. Really Jacksons? Really?
Also, historically speaking, 4-somes dont really work out. Take Spice Girls for example. Awesome, dominating, girl-group for about a whole 18 months and then one of them walked over a stupid power-struggle. I remember seeing the Spice Girls live after they broke up. Sure the 4 still put on one hell of a show, but the absent 5th member still put a crimp on the evening as most of the audience was dressed like Ginger spice. Did the Spice Girls ever recover? No. There was a period where they could have rejoined and continued -but only when they were still fresh. And as for Geri Halliwell? Her solo career didn't quite take off now did it?
Lets see...other 4-member groups that made it but never stayed it: 98 degrees, Bewitched, Dream, Destiny's Child -NOT Beyonce.
*Phew* ok I'm done with popcult bitching.
Wednesday, 2. December 2009, 00:49:32
I've been taking a tape recorder with me everywhere lately. Yep, an old-technology tape recorder with cassette tapes. I wish I could post some of the sounds I've been capturing on my walks. By the way, generators make the best white noise ever.
I really want to get a recording of a schizophrenic lady on the light rail. I see her at least once a week, but recently I've been missing her. It's not that I'm trying to exploit her illness (or the crazy ramblings) but I just really think her life is interesting. I want to know more. Shes always alone. She wears this big straw sun hat and big sunglasses. I want to know if she has anywhere to go. Does she ride the light rail to occupy her time? I dont know why she's such an enigma to me. I suppose it could be that she digs into me. People brush her off; ignore her rantings that border on riot sometimes. It really bothers me that some unknowing stranger will answer her when she asks the time, but ignores her as much as possible when they realize she's "a crazy."
There was another guy who had some sort of mental illness. I never did catch his name, but he was commonly referred to as "The Rotor man." When I was living in ohio, rather when geauga lake/six flags/seaworld was still open, there was a ride called "The Rotor." Years and years my friends and I would ride this ride. It was like we
had to ride the rotor first when the park opened again for the season. The Rotor was basically a large circular room that spun and the force of gravity would make you stick to the wall. The floor would drop and you would still be suspended in the air, pressed by the force of gravity to the wall. It was an old favorite before six flags bought geauga lake and removed it.
Anyway, Rotor man was appropriately named because thats all he did -rode the Rotor all day. And I don't just mean ride, get off, get in line, get back on. He stayed on the Rotor all day. There was an understanding between Rotor man and the park (even after it was sold to 6 flags). No one would kick him off. They knew that the Rotor was his life. It's what he did every day. Someone would drop him off at the park, rotor man rides the rotor until whenever his ride picked him up. Rotor man was as much a fixture of the park as anything else. I've never seen anyone make fun, provoke, or even question Rotor man about his affinity for The Rotor. I don't think he could form a response if he tried. He was very much mentally interrupted.
My friends and I would catch the rotor on the way out when the park was closing. It would be the only ride open until exactly 10pm. Sometimes we'd get there a little early to try and ride until closing -like an endurance test. I remember I was only able to get through 4 rides before I couldn't take the g-forces anymore. It astounds me that Rotor man rode as much as he did.
When six flags finally sold the Rotor to the science center in Columbus, I remember having a tinge of fear and worry run through me. Where was Rotor man to go then? Six flags took that park and made it so kid/liability-friendly. They got rid of The Rotor, the Silver Bullet (get your mind out of the gutter) Texas Twister, and Music Express. The best rides were forever gone. For a while I didn't see Rotor man. I went through a couple seasons of not knowing what became of him until I was dragged onto The Mind Eraser one day by my little sister. The Mind eraser was an older roller coaster ride. A genius design really.
Instead of a large hill that propelled the cars, you were dragged up backwards then released, you'd go through the inverted loop, then a regular loop, then up onto the other track. You were caught and dragged up again, then released. You'd ride backwards and then stop at the gate again. A roller coaster, but not as long and drawn out as the bigger ones. Actually, aside from the Superman, I think It was the smallest roller coaster in the park. And so there he was, sitting in the back row of a Mind Eraser car. I felt so overwhelmed with relief. He was still there. Rotor man was still Rotor man to me, even though he was now technically Mind Eraser man.
It's been years since the park closed for good. I wonder where Rotor man went. What became of him? I hope he found another replacement at least. I hope he can still get to that safe place he went when he was riding the Rotor.
Thursday, 12. November 2009, 22:57:12
Aside from all the stresses going on this semester, I've still managed to capture some beauty (or what I consider to be beauty). Among the seemingly unnecessary things I regularly carry with me in my purse, I keep a small black notebook. I use it to keep phone numbers, write down directions, draw, and above all write passing thoughts -just anything that needs to be written down. I feel like my collection of observations and stories have accumulated enough. As someone with atrocious penmanship and who arguably dislikes writing without a "backspace," I feel I should chronicle the entries I've made. This isn't to say writing these experiences was a chore, but rather important enough to
motivate me to physically write them down in my little black notebook. My notebook is not complete, nor will it ever be. I will continue to write these things forever. With that said, I hope you enjoy these little snippets of what I consider to be a revelation of my soul.
In no particular order, written accurately from notebook with no spelling or grammar corrections:
- Gyration of body by movement of jolting car ride. Potholes, speed bumps, and lack suspension sync and pulse to skipping beats.
- Foreign/indigenous people trying to adjust to modern technology. they havn't grown up like we have. opening documents on word proves a challange -almost as big as college itself.
- Trying to 'live off the grid' isn't legally allowed in the U.S. -They cause rifts in echo system and tax system so both dem & republicans are after them -small 'rescue' groups form - taking donations to send them to a jungle-atmosphere. Modern day prosecution
- Driving home talking to phone -soundless on other line. I talk about mindless thoughts of fear and through my eyes a motorcycle passes me on the freeway. The empty freeway I share with this boy and girl on a motorcycle. The girl on the back stretches her arms outward and seems to enjoy the romanticism of flight. This is what happiness looks like.
- Room with A/C vents aligned in a grid above ceiling aiming downward at audience. Experience the cold -the noise- then the silence when they all deactivate at the same time for 40 seconds, then turn back on. -Maybe less time for more shuttering effect.
- Two air plains sitting still in the air. no movement. just floating mid-day and no one else seems to take notice. Am I seeing things? Have I totally lost my mind?
- I get situated in my lite rail seat and look up. He's sitting there in the back -glaring toward me. My eyes are blurry so I dont get a good look. As the train turns my view is obstructed momentarily. From what I can tell our eyes meet for a moment under these sunglasses of mine. It can't be him. You know it. Nothing will be done. You shift your view out the window. Trying to pass it off as nothing. you still sneak a few glances at each Stop, but your dulled down. Reality sets in when he gets off the train, and the song on my mp3 player changes.
- An empty shopping cart stands alone in a vacent lot situated next to a storage facility. It remembers being filled. It remembers cradling goods in its bosom. It stands there, starring at the nearby storage units, lost in nostalgia. fond memories of raising its adopted babes are all that it has left. It waits for the day it can catch a glimpse of them again.
- New trees are planted at all the lite rail stations. They stand in line, perfectly growing upwards alongside each other. They are being held straight upward by a wooden post for support. Never before has it occured to me that these trees are being supported with the remains of their fallen brethren. I wonder if they are silently suffering, going mad that their existence, their very purpose, is snugly bound to them as a constant reminder of their futility.
- I pass them on central going south on the light rail. I see them waiting to cross the street. They are standing no more then 2 ft away, diagonal to each other. The younger in front, closer to the crosswalk, & the elder just behind him to his right. Both are waiting. Both wear blue dress shirts. The younger has a fully saturated ocean blue, the elder a faded sky blue. Both wear dress pants and both wear sunglasses. The younger has a coffee and some bag of food w/ a banana. The elder holds nothing. His hands are in his pockets and has a more relaxed stance. They are a line of each other. They reflect the same version of each other in a different time. Yet they seem totally oblivious to each other. They are both in their own worlds, waiting at the same crosswalk
- Video -camera obscura as pipe hole end. in car -loading the bowl 'camera.' smoking, then showing my belly -my 'pot-belly.' the food & munchies are neg. feedback -creating storage for the T.H.C. chemical. Smoking creates positive feedback as its promoting the change of my neurons & brain.
- Driving home. Too drunk/messed up and the desig driver is needing directions. You, drunk, direct him back. Camera mount on reclined seat on head rest. I'm drunk as hell but my brain allows me to give precise explained directions. Can rest. -Talk radio/commercials advertise to join telemarketing and warnings of what consuming lead based paint chips does.
"
Thursday, 22. October 2009, 22:40:15
Ok so I'm riding the light rail home yesterday and this beauty queen ran on the train at the last minute. Im pretty sure she was trying to pull a denise richards slow motion as she tossled at her hair. She made her way to one particular seat illuminated by sunlight -probably so she could keep her sunglasses on. she pulled a red apple out of her oversized designer bag and took a big slow bite.
then it occured to me...
where the fuck does this bitch (metaphorically) get off?
I'm barely pressed, if dressed, when I rush out in the morning. I'm eating a triple chocolate muffin leftover from the weekend and sipping on a capri sun. And my sunglasses are still on because I didnt have time to do my make-up.
She's eating an apple like shes on an Abercrombie photo shoot.
But at least I'm not the dogmeat this morning. =D
Monday, 19. October 2009, 06:30:36
I've noticed something about myself recently. Stress makes me raw. It eats to my very core and exposes what I really strive for in life. I want my life to slow down a bit. I want to feel emotions other than stress, failure, anxiety and depression. I want to have something to be happy about. Not simply something to be content with, something that genuinely makes me happy. Dan makes me happy. He makes a few minutes feel like eternal bliss. But Dan is in Ohio. So I have nothing but a few friends whom I rarely see anymore, school, work, school work, and home work.
I don't know if anything else can be piled on. So many days have passed where the last glimmer of thought passing through my concious mind before I sleep, is that I'm going to break down. I've been walking the cliffs edge so many days now it feels regular.
To start with, my family was forced to move again. We were notified in late august that the owners of our rented home were forclosed upon. We had the entire month of september to get out. My parents found another house to rent not far from the old house. Between my mom working and going to school at night, myself opposing her routine -school during the day while working nights, my dad working and trying to upkeep the home life, not much was done until the last minute. I barely moved any of my own belongings simply because I was never home.
My manager, who had fallen horribly ill, ended up in the hospital. She was out for 2 weeks. During this time my hours were increased substantially. I can hardly cope with the fact that I spent more time at work and school collectively than at home or sleeping collectively. Compounded with the time that it takes me to travel, which I calculated to be approxamately 4 hours daily, I end up weighing what is more valuable to me in my daily routine -sleeping or eating a meal. Both are never entirely complete.
During the move my computer decided to stop working. Albeit I hardly have time to dabble on the internet like I once had, it prevents me from functioning in more ways than I realized. Go ahead. Try and life live with no computer for a few weeks. It's hard. As for right now, I've hijacked my moms laptop to catch up on my internetings.
I try to feel better. I try not to take life so seriously. I try to play a bit. But as soon as I feel a little better, a little more relaxed, a little off-duty, I'm overwhelmed with guilt and worry. This fallen-behind complex sends me into a worse tizzy than I was in originally. Like the hottest pepper as a main dish and a blow torch for dessert.
Which reminds me, I've also fallen ill. Ive been dealing with a pitching fever and scorching throat for the last 8 days or so. It started last sunday and has continued on. My fever has finally gone away, but my throat is getting worse. I visited the doctor on thursday for a whopping 10 minutes. She performed a strep-test and when results were negative, she simply told me I must have a virus and scooted me right out the door with the promise of antibiotics should my pain continue for another 3 days.
Well its been 2.
I need something for my throat. This is not normal soar-throat pain. It feels like I swallowed a bunch of straight pins. It's a chore and endurence test to swallow. This is causing me to eat less than I have been, that is, when finding time to eat at all.
I should be studying for my two tests on monday in anatomy. I can't afford to fail again. But sleep is calling me on louder than my test right now. The sounds of my cat snoring on the foot of my bed remind me of the bliss I feel when I'm not awake. I just don't want to wake up anymore. That could make me happy too.
Erin's Schedule of perpetual doom:
Monday:
Wake at 9:00am. Leave house at 9:30am. Arrive at lite rail station at 10:00am. Arrive to anatomy class at 10:45am. Arrive to university center at 11:45am. Study for 3 hours before anatomy lab. Attend anatomy lab from 3:00pm-6:00pm. Catch lite rail and ride for 1/2 hour back to parking lot. 6:30pm I drive home in gut-wrenching traffic. Usually arrive home anywhere between 7:30pm and 8:00pm. Drop belongings in room full of boxes and one haphazardly made bed. Scrounge for food. 9pm-midnight, shower and try to work on school. Fall asleep between 12 and 1.
Tuesday:
Wake at 9:30am. Leave house by 10:00am. Get to lite rail by 10:30am. Ride lite rail for an hour. 11:30am walk to class from station. Arrive to art history class by noon. End art history at 1:15pm. Go directly to intermedia studio which starts at 1:40pm. End intermedia studio at 4:30pm. Scrounge for food. Start 3D modeling/animation class at 5:40pm. End 3D modeling/animation studio by 8:30pm. Walk 1/2 hour to lite rail station. Get on train at 9:00pm. Get to parking structure by 10:00pm. Drive home. Get home by 10:30pm. Drop dead on my bed from exhaustion.
Wednesday:
Wake at 9:00am. Leave house at 9:30am. Arrive at lite rail station at 10:00am. Arrive to anatomy class at 10:45am. Get out of class, get on train home at 11:45am. Get to car by 12:15pm, drive home. Arrive home at 12:45pm. Work from 1:30pm-9:30pm. Come home, scrounge for food. Shower and try to work on school. Fall asleep between 12 and 1.
Thursday:
See tuesday.
Friday:
See wednesday.
Saturday:
Sleep in a little, try to work on school before going to work. Usually doesn't happen. Work 3:30pm to 9:30pm
Sunday:
Sleep in to the last minute. Work 2:00pm-6:30pm. Scrounge for food. Use the night to cram or study for tests.
Saturday, 5. September 2009, 05:51:27
I didn't want to blog about this too early on when I was overwhelmed with excitement. I landed myself a job! I now work at piercing pagoda (jewelry/piercing kiosk at the mall) as a sale's associate. Piercing ears proves to be fun. Anyway, I'm on information overload. The work day itself is no hassle to me whatsoever. I can deal with customers/piercings/restocking no problem, but when it's time for closing, ugh. There is so much to do. I'm not complaining at the mere existence of things to do, rather just the time it's taking me to learn the routine to where I don't screw something up. One part of the routine is doing a "149 count." This is basically a twice-daily count (one at open, one at close) of all gold items priced over $149.00. I did the count last night and tonight. When I counted tonight, we were minus one item. This is not good for many reasons:
1. The item has to be accounted for. If we sell an item over 149, the tag and bar code are taken off the jewelry and taped inside the inventory book so that whoever does the 149, knows it was sold.
2. ALL the jewelry is behind locked cases. This makes things very difficult for thieves. If someone steals a piece of jewelry, one is safe to assume either an employee stole it, or an employee was negligent (like retarded negligent) when showing multiple pieces to a customer, or that the employee was helping a customer steal.
3. I'm still the "new girl." I just got my own set of keys last week. This is why I'm so uneasy about the situation. I DID NOT STEAL, nor have I ever stolen anything. Although I believe I'm a person of good merit, the "new girl" status still labels me as someone who needs to be watched.
4. Whomever does the 149 count submits the count to corporate online. The submission of the 149 inventory includes the employee ID of the person who did the count. Since I was the one who counted, my ID will show and the numbers will be minus 1. This makes me paranoid that I might be blamed for the incident simply because it was my name on the count that was off.
I love this job. I love it more than any job I've had before. It just makes me so embarrassed (not to mention distressed) that I'll probably be pegged the suspicious character in this mess, and that I'll probably be "watched closely" by my new co-workers for no reason. I don't want to blame anyone, but the possibility of a coworker trying to set me up crossed my mind. I really don't think this is the case, but then again I've been screwed over and taken advantage of before.
In other news, I feel like I've been rejected by my new friends (ok, not that new). I feel like for the longest time since I've met them, that I've been in the in-crowd. When I use the term "in-crowd," I don't mean in the sense that we have an undeserved sense of superiority or coolness, simply that I found a circle of friends with whom I felt at home with. I love our little group. The four of us together makes me happy, even on days when we stay in and watch T.V.
But recently, I feel like I'm slowly being escorted out of my in-crowd. The parties where I was once a necessity, are now becoming parties in which I play the girl whom they all "forgot" to invite because surely someone else would have done so already. Knowing how this stunt works (as it's happened to me before), I say nothing. Calling attention to the "mishap" would only rekindle the social bond they shared without me. However, I do find it quite irritating and defacing when someone boldly asks "Why weren't you there?" and I simply must answer -to much of their anticipated delight- "Because I wasn't invited."
It could be that I'm overreacting. This paranoia could be imaginary, but because my instincts are sharp and my gut-feeling is usually right, I feel like this is the prelude to become strangers again. The only question I'm left with is "why?" More often than not, I'm never privileged a straight answer.
Thursday, 13. August 2009, 01:51:36
There isn't much I don't research and stress over when I'm about to make a purchase. I'd consider myself an overly careful consumer if anything -especially if I'm buying online. Well today I found myself in a fit of stupidity and fell for the ol' 30 day trial scam. It was like I was hypnotized. The website in question was selling acai berries. Acai has been something I've often wanted to experiment with when actually cooking for myself -that is, if you consider overly creative salads 'cooking'- because before it became so widely popular, my friend and partner in home economics crime, Lorelei, introduced me. I won't claim it was a match made in heaven, but as a generally non-picky eater, I felt it was equally delightful as strawberries -my absolute favorite fruit.
Anyway, I didn't research as much as I should have. Rather, like most people, barely skimmed over the legal jabber, terms and conditions, and contact information. I whipped out my credit card a little too hastily and signed up. After I felt a prick of hesitation when hitting submit, I went back to the terms and conditions page to find out that the company pretty much signs your credit card up for an auto-pay service, and 14 days after you receive your order, they automatically charge 60-some dollars. Further down the line, it explains that they continue to send you your grocery order monthly and continue to charge the 60-some dollars with each passing month. SOOO not what I wanted.
I found an 800 number buried within the contact page, called, and had no luck reaching a live person. Rather the auto-machine they have that answers the calls, gives you 3 options: billing, technical help, and any other inquiries. All 3 options led me to an 'on hold' line where I listened to elevator music for 10 minutes before another bot came on and told me it was unable to connect to an available representative. In their defense, my call may have been disconnected because the office might have been closed for the day. After all, my calls were made at about 4:30pm -which could have been 5:30pm because of time zone differences.
This is when I had a mini freak-out. I emailed the company -asking them to please cancel my order/account. I called my credit card company and played it off like my boyfriend had used my credit card, which yielded no luck in stopping the order because it was technically still pending. So I guess live and learn. Luckily, it did state within the terms and conditions that I could return any merchandise within the first 2 weeks upon its arrival to receive a full refund and no further obligation. If and when the package arrives, I'll promptly send it back.
Anyway, this was my MEGA fail for the year as a smart consumer. I warn anyone seeking anything relating to the Acai berry to research the crap out of the company distributing it. Apparently the surge of popularity it has gained in the last year or so has continued to perpetuate the boom of scammer companies trying to take advantage of the market.
All I wanted was some Acai berries to throw in my salad!
Sunday, 26. July 2009, 22:26:20
Warning: This blog post contains reading material that may be deemed offensive depending on your morals. Please read with an open mind and consider that this is merely a personal blog written by a girl with opinions.
Read more...
Saturday, 23. May 2009, 22:01:23
classic saturday (or sunday): the agenda
1. mom and dad get up at 8:00am and have the biggest, loudest fight ever to make sure us kids aren't getting enough sleep.
2. then all 3 of us kids venture to the kitchen for sustenance after we are sure they ran out of steam (for now). we fool ourselves into thinking its all over and we sit on the couch watching some show none of us like on TV because we are too scared to change moms channel.
3. mom emerges from her laptop and does a brisk walk-through of every room in the house asking no one in particular "where the hell did your father go?"
4. after mom has realized that dad drove away for a few hours just to get out of the house, she returns to her laptop and begins to rant about particular things that all 3 of us kids do wrong.
5. its about the time when mom returns to her laptop that us 3 kids know that its time to grab our last pop-tart and Dr.Pepper for the day, and lock ourselves back in our rooms.
6. dad returns home in the midst of mom coming down from the "us 3 kids" rant and they find something new to argue about -like where the hell my father has been for the last couple hours.
7. since dad has already driven off, its now moms turn to do pull the walk-away. mom goes outside and waters her flowers, feeds the fish, and sweeps the patio.
8. dad is left with no argumentative devices after this fight, so dad retorts by going door-to-door of "us 3 kids" asking if we would like to go out on the boat today -in about an hour or so. this in turn -dad thinks- will fuel moms fire because hes the first one to try and get on the "us 3 kids" good side.
9. us 3 kids agree to go out on the boat. although dad gave us an hour warning, we wont end up actually getting out there til about 4:00pm just as everyone on the lake is trying to get their boat out -since its almost dinner time.
10. mom and dad have another argument about why "us 3 kids" can never get moving in the mornings -because this is whats preventing everyone having a good time and spending a proper day on the lake.
11. after we spend a few hours zooming around the lake, we come home tired, starved and bitchy. mom doesn't understand why we are so exhausted.
12. mom watches tv while dad takes his time putting the boat away. it's in this time where we try to snag a sandwich or a handful of chips, but "us 3 kids" don't remember that its so close to dinner, and mom bitches at us for trying to eat because dad is about to make dinner. as you could have guessed, "us 3 kids" take precaution by going straight back into our rooms.
13. dad takes longer with the boat than he says he will. dad takes a shower. its about 8:30 when he is finally "ready" to start dinner. between dads trips inside and outside to the grill on the back patio, mom and dad have a mild fight about why we can never eat dinner on time like a normal family.
14. mom gets up and makes wild rice, and some kind of vegetable. when dinner is finally on the table, both mom and dad proceed to yell at us 3 kids to "get out here and eat". if we havn't reached the kitchen by the end of "...here..." we are graced with an individual visit by either mom or dad banging on our door in a manner if the house were on fire.
15. dinner is delicious by all accounts and us 3 kids are madly scarfing down. when us 3 kids come up for air, mom and dad are astounded by our appetite. and although we'd love to offer them a reason as to why, no one says a word.
16. when the feeding frenzy is over, its about 9:45pm. mom returns to the tv and dad eats the table scraps like a dog, because he doesn't like to just throw stuff away. dad proceeds to fill the dishwasher which triggers mom to start yelling at only 2 of us 3 kids about how me and my little sister need to empty and load the dishwasher.
17. 2 of us 3 kids empty and load the dishwasher while muttering how sexist mom is for never asking 1 of us 3 kids to do any chores.
18. 2 of us 3 kids return to our rooms after the dishes are done. mom falls asleep in front of the tv. dad goes to his room and checks his email until midnight.
19. us 3 kids start getting hungry again. since the kitchen is now free of drama and fighting, we silently creep in unintentionally, one by one -seemingly one after the other in most cases.
20. 1 of 3 kids makes ramen noodles. 2 of 3 kids grab something like chips or crackers, and 3 of 3 kids stealthily get ice out of the freezer for their drink and wakes mom up no matter how quiet.
21. mom flips channels for another hour because us 3 kids apparently woke her up with all of our ice grabbing.
22. us 3 kids stay up til about 3 binging on whatever we found in the pantry and eventually fall into a food coma for the night.
23. kitten is left locked out of each of us 3 kids' rooms and cries outside 2 of 3 kids rooms until finally i let her in to cuddle for the night.
24. kitten only wants to cuddle for a few hours until she is sure that im fast asleep. kitten knocks over my tall glass of water since she cant reach water inside. kitten has an affinity for drinking water out of cups, so i clean up the mess, and refill the cup to the top so she can drink easily without disturbing me.
25. kitten gets very bored from being in my room and her tummy starts to rumble. kitten crys and whines again at about 7:30 because she's had enough and wants out. i let kitten out and unintentionally leave my door cracked open.
26. kitten crys and whines outside of dads door because she knows he will get up and feed her the good stuff (wet food from the can) just to shut her up.
27. dad goes to the kitchen to feed kitten (her bowl is next to the kitchen table) and mom wakes up.
28. dad starts making coffee and habitually makes a cup for mom. dad always adds too much cream and sugar for moms taste.
29. dad brings coffee to mom even if shes not quite awake and ready for the day.
30. repeat from number 1.
Tuesday, 12. May 2009, 10:46:00
I don't really know how to explain this.
My first love came about when I was 17. His name was Eric, he was 19. He lived in Bedford, Ohio. And we met on myspace. So typical right? Anyway myspace merely served as a connection to exchange numbers. We talked a lot on the phone. So much to the point that when we actually met and went on a "proper" date, both of us were awkwardly catching glances rather than looking at each other when we spoke. He reminded me of someone. I felt I knew him from somewhere before.
Anyway we played pool at some smokey run-down bar near his house, then went back to his place for drinks. We didn't really drink much. He mostly played his guitar for me as I suffered through a warm Bush lite. When he finally put his guitar away, he held me as we watched Sin City. I giggled because he was so similar to Jackie boy. His hair, his voice, his cocky attitude -all reminiscent so much of that character- so I deduced that it was because of Sin City, that I felt I knew him. He was so much braver than me. He kissed me and I honestly didn't see it coming. I tasted the smoke on his breath and felt the low rumble of his voice warming my chest as he let out a sigh of content. It felt right. Us together felt right.
As we progressed in our relationship, we became mad-in-love. We came to love each other as much as we hated each other. One week everything would be heaven and spending 2 hours doing nothing but sleeping in the same bed, became a cure for anything I felt was wrong in my life -he extended the same sentiment. Then something stupid would happen. I'd forget we were on a "date" and end up talking to a friend working at CVS a little too long, and he'd walk out. Eric, as possessive and protective as he was, always wanted my attention in the worst way when it was -our- time (since our schedules conflicted often). Thinking back on it now, I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I only said hi to my friend at CVS instead of chewing her ear off about school and my week for 1/2 hour and leaving Eric waiting in the car.
But we were both going to destruct. The drama and fighting became increasingly prevalent. We'd make up, and everything seemed to be okay again. Then everything would be great again. Then everything would be heaven again. and WHAM. A little argument would slip out and the whole thing crashed and burned all over.
Eventually fate decided it was time to quit this. We left each other at only a slightly angry time -thinking maybe the other one would apologize and come back. And neither of us did.
For a while we just didn't speak after that. Both of us were too bull-headed to admit we were wrong or rather admit we really needed each other. So it went.
Years passed, more boyfriends came and went. And yet, I spoke to Eric through instant messenger one day when I was lonely at Ball State. We exchanged what was going on in our lives. He was still in bedford, working his way through life, and I was miserable going to school (doing the 'right' thing). We teased each other imagining that decades later, I'd be a married trophy wife to some millionaire, and he would be the landscaper who would seduce me early in the afternoon before hubby got home.
That was the last time I remember talking with Eric.
Today was lonely. I was locked in my room doing my project for 3d, and it was lonely. I felt this force, this thing reminding me of Eric. I don't know why, but I searched for Eric on myspace even though I had deleted my account after Nick sent me over the edge. I found his familiar page. I saw his face. I scrolled down and saw his comments.
His goodbye comments.
His friends
His brothers
Everyone.
Said goodbye.
And I don't know why, how, or when it happened.
Recently from what I gathered. Between August and September of 2008.
I emailed Sara. His close childhood friend with whom I shared a warm Bush lite with one day. She and I shot each other sarcastic looks as Eric and her brother yelped and hollered at a football game on T.V. That was the first and last time I saw her.
It's hard because I don't know how I should be feeling. I found Eric on myspace, we dated because of myspace, and now I had to find out on myspace that Eric died. The mystery surrounding his death is eating away at me. I want to know what happened. I want to know what he was doing. Who he was with. What street he was on. If he thought about me.
Because I will always remember him. I will always remember that he was my first love, my first love in bed, my first fighting boyfriend who would kick anyone's ass who even looked at me, my first boyfriend who took me on random shopping sprees at the mall because he felt like spending his whole paycheck in a big grandiose way. I will always remember his guitar riff that was going to rock the world if only he could finish the rest of the song. I will always remember the taste of his smokey breath. And I will always remember how he would laugh when he smoked around me because I made a scrunchy face from the smell. I will always remember how he liked to fish. And how he would constantly try to drag me out fishing, but we never did. I'll remember how excited he was when he finally bought his own car with his hard earned money. How he seemed to be smiling from the inside when he looked at me. I'll remember my failed attempts at fixing the zippers on his broken hoodies and giving up because I concluded it looked cuter open. I'll always remember that his friends called him "rock lobster" and laughing even though I didn't get it.
I just hate to also remember him this way now.
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