Amerika - Force of Occupation

Tonight was the last night of my EMT class. I finished second highest in the class behind someone who works with a fire department, so not too many complaints there. I don't mind being second. The thing that's devastating, though, is that I missed getting a 4.0 by one single point. One point. My final grade was 3.9. I achieved 949 points out of a possible 1,000. Some would be ecstatic with that grade. Especially those who did not pass the final exam. They did not qualify to take the State-level exam. My emotions are in such turmoil that I don't know if I want to cry, or what. So close, ya know? I'm really sad.

I know why I did so poorly. I have this habit of defeating myself. I've always been self-destructive. I reach high, and hold myself to high standards, but then I start to unravel when I get close to achieving whatever goal I'm chasing. I hate that about myself. If you've been reading this blog, you know that my teacher told me a while back that I was probably the top student. I expressed chagrin when he did. It activated my self-defeating mechanisms and I stopped studying as well as I should have. Why, I don't know. I'm not even sure why I do it in the first place. It doesn't help that I'm really hard on my self. I'm sure there's some correlation between creating failure to meet my own expectations, and then emotionally beating myself. I'm trying to postulate on that, but I can't figure out how to articulate the connections I see. It's some form of self-abuse.

Tomorrow is the State-level test, and I feel like I've lost interest in the whole endeavor. We've been told that test is substantially easier than our final. I don't feel any motivation to study. I know I need to, though. I'm not a quitter when I get something in my mind that I want to achieve. I'm going to talk to my best friend tomorrow, also. She knows me well enough that she can give the clarity I need about this situation.

I'm just disappointed in myself, and want to give up and forget it ever happened. I can't, though. I have way too much time and money invested in this goal. I've spent well over US$1,200. and am supposed to find a job as an EMT now. It's going to be hard. Most people have agencies they are working with, but since I did this by myself I'm alone. I can do volunteering with local fire departments to get the experience I need to work for a private company. Or I can go work in an emergency room. Working in a hospital sounds fun, but I wouldn't be using all my training. I would definitely acquire other skills that are required by the hospital. Still, I haven't worked in an ambulance yet, so I have little concept of that dimension of being an EMT.

The biggest problem I have is that my unemployment insurance is running out in a couple of weeks, and that's going to cause a lot of strife for me at home. We're already on the verge of divorcing as it is (long story), and I'm not going to be able to handle the emotional difficulties that living on one income with someone that is extremely insecure regarding money are going to bring out. Just the emotions caused by my unemployment are a terrible strain.

I know tomorrow is a new day, and all that, but it's hard to find comfort in that.