A. Duda

It's been a while since my last post...

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said, "I don't
care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't undertand. I've had Sex
since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog
ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking
around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I
should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.

Until next time,
Duda

61 comments

Firefox Myths

Friday, May 23, 2008 12:42:34 PM

secure, fastest, myths, opera ...

Opera is the best, Firefox is just a myth

Visit the above link for more information.

Until next time,
Duda

64 comments

YouTube Download

Monday, April 28, 2008 5:18:15 PM

video, download, youtube, croatia

Dear readers,

If you want to download
video from YouTube, but don't know how or would
like to know more ways to do so, check out this
article written by me

http://www.helium.com/items/1019205-anyone-hasnt-heard-youtube

Thank you, it would mean a lot to me if you read it.

Until next time,
Duda

5 comments

If Men Wrote Advice Columns

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 11:42:43 PM

advice, column, sex, men

If men wrote advice columns

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

~Author Unknown

Until next time,
Duda

11 comments

Bank Robbers

Saturday, October 27, 2007 7:54:39 PM

bank, crime, robber

Crime is a dangerous business, especially if you don't know what you are
supposed to do. So, I have found a tutorial for all future bank robbers
to read. It's old school but still precious. Enjoy!

RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.

Now, isn't this better than writing about my school problems with
teachers and boring stuff like that ?

Until next time,
Duda

2 comments

How to Predict Insanity

Sunday, September 16, 2007 9:41:44 AM

insanity, prediction, predict

You better prepare yourself in advance

The Warning Signs Of InSaNiTy
---------------------------------------

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
wings!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
40. You like reading lists like this. (The Paul Richter
Special Edition Appendix)
41. You sit in your room for hours on end listening to Peter, Paul & Mary
and playing solitaire on your computer.
42. You experience periods of time when your mouth can do nothing but sing
"Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin...."
43. You begin to start almost every conversation with the introduction to
_The A-Team_ theme song.
44. You spend three hours sitting on the floor cutting and pasting a
project for your COLLEGE English course, and you get
really frustrated because you can't recall
all the kindergarten-period skills that it requires.
45. You check your e-mail about six times a day, only to find that nobody
cares enough to send anything to you.
46. You believe that Quayle would actually win the 1996
presidentialelection.
47. You read Anne Sexton's poetry for twelve out of any sixteen-hour
period.
48. You read Sylvia Plath to cheer yourself up, and when that doesn't work
you pop _The Wall_ into the stereo...
49. You think Popeye's anchor tattoo would look even better on YOUR
forearm.
50. You use Speed Stick Clear Ocean Surf Deodorant for the scent.
51. You start appending a list like this, and you find yourself just going
on and on and on and on...
52. You start to repeat yourself.
53. You start to repeat yourself.
54. You start really stretching for bad jokes and cheap laughs.
55. You recognize that you are doing so.
56. You blatantly announce it.
57. You keep looking in the Rap section at Tower Records trying to find
that new M.C. Escher album.
58. Your greatest accomplishment to date in your college career is your
new-found ability to blow smoke rings.
59. You resort to mass e-mailings as your sole means of unabashedly begging
for attention.

Enjoy,

Duda

1 comment

How to Predict a Rotten Day

Friday, August 31, 2007 11:07:40 PM

day, rotten, predict

Back to the old school way of copy-pasting

You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when...
==================================================

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
they aren't there.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don't have
a waterbed.

Your car horn goes of accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels down the motorway.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex wife.

Your income tax cheque bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Author unknown........But troubled.

Enjoy,
Duda

7 comments

9 Types of Boyfriends and Girlfriends

Friday, August 24, 2007 5:09:56 PM

boyfriend, types, 9, girlfriend

No introduction needed, here you go.

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's
stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Enjoy!

6 comments

Murphy's Laws on Sex

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 6:54:26 PM

law, sex, Murphy, murphy's laws

My dear readers,
it has been a while since my last post, but
nevermind that.

Today, I'll help you remember or faithful companion:
Murphy. He is always with us, at work, at
school, even in combat, he doesn't leave us.
Semper Fi, Murphy!

Anyway, he also follows us
to the bedroom, and makes sure everything will
go wrong. Cheers to Murphy!

There you have it, the original article. Enjoy.

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. "This won't hurt, I promise."