Wednesday, 26. March 2008, 05:29:10
It's almost a month and a half since I came back from the USA, the reason...my grandmother's funeral, yeah, well life doesn't wait for anybody to decide, time doesn't wait for you until you're ready, everything comes the way it should come.
I lost her in valentine's day, at 6 in the morning, I told everybody and myself that I did as much as I could to see her before she passed away but only I know is a lame excuse to not really feel the guilt of just spending too much time thinking what to do and not really doing something about it but wait, evoid and deny.
I still have problems trying to sleep at night, it takes me hours to be able to do it...and everytime I remind her the tears come right away, every little detail, like a picture, or just another old lady walking down the street...I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull myself together soon or is just going to take me more time, what I know for sure is that I'm lost without her, is as if someone took my heart and ripp it off my chest, I felt like a part of me died...might not be the first time I lose someone but it is the first time it gets me this hard...and living here again is just driving me crazy, the memories are supposed to make the lost a little bit easy but is just not helping me...I never thought I could understand like truly understand the pain of losing a mother...she might not have been my biological mom, but she raised me and she made me who I am right now, but I'm hollow, I miss her so much, I miss her that it hurts.
I'm trying to get used to the fact she's gone, but still is just not easy, sometimes I go one step further but then I step back 2 more...how could you move on without the most important person in your life? how could you even imagine your life knowing that this person is never coming back and you'll never see them again?...I wish I could know the answer and understand it.
I've tried to be strong for my mom, she's very exhausted of taking care of her all this time, she's a brave woman, but her conscience is peacefull at least because everything she could do she did it...but me, my conscience is torturing me everyday...if only i could at least saw her to say goodbye, but not even that...I can't forgive myself I didn't stay arround to help, I can't forget I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I got scared and ran away...that's me, I'm a coward, I'm always running away from those who love me when they need me, I really don't worth my spot in this world...if I left her then what else could someone expect from me?...I don't know how things are going to turn into but I feel like I really don't have the strenght to find that out, I don't want to live a tomorrow or even a today.
Friday, 9. November 2007, 06:40:24
ok...I came to the USA running away from home so I wouldn't have to face my grandmother's cancer treatment, which make me a coward....which is totally what I am, some people might call it denial or whatever, I just dun like to face situations I can't handle. Oh well the thing is...I met someone here, someone who went from regular to special and I don't mean it in a romantic way, I know I'm not in love but I don't know what I feel either...is that strange connection, we're not friends but we don't have a relationship either...we're in the middle, sometimes I like it but some others I want more but some others I think everything is perfect as it is and some others I don't want anything at all...her friendship is so important to me...I'm so used to her, I feel as If I've known her for ages even tho it haven't been more than 3 months. I don't know how to explain it coz not even I understand it...is that kind of person you feel comfortable with, I can be myself with her, I don't have to pretend, I just have to be me. When we're together, everything is perfect and every moment is worthy...even when we fight, tho I hate to fight with her but at the end we can't be mad at each other...I can't be mad at her, I can't even be away from her more than a week coz then missing her starts hurting....kind of like mmm when the emotional pain turns into physicall pain and suddenly your chest starts hurting, I dunno if I explained myself clear but that's kind of as I feel when I don't see her for too long.
Is strange but I feel safe next to her, like no matter what happens she can alwayz find a way to fix everything....which is completely the opposite of me, if I can't do it I just quit...I'm a quiter and a coward....I hate so much about myself the fact that she can't trust me at all...I try to make things work but I just got bad luck and I hate to dissapoint her, I hate it so much, and I hate myself when I do that coz she doesn't deserv it...usually I wouldn't care, but when it comes to her I just want to do everything perfect...I promised myself a while ago that I would never sacrifice my needs for someone elses'...but I can't help it, I lost my will somehow, I would do anything to make her happy, I love her smile, is beautiful...actually there's nothing that is not beautiful about her, she's a kind, sweet, and adorable person and she looks good as well xD so I hate to make her mad or sad....it just ruins my day...if she's happy, I'm happy, if she's not I'm not as simple as that.
I don't know what good thing I did in my life that allowed me to meet her but I'm glad it happened. we're so different, I've learned so many things from her and days can come and go but I will never forget her.
Monday, 10. September 2007, 21:20:39
Ok! another boring update
I came to the USA for 2 reasons, first one, running away from my house and second start all over again....mmm it didn't work I'm tired and my past is chasing me xD I'm a freaking dramatic person so nothing to do with it =D I'm sad again lol! I try to go somewhere different on the weekends to keep my mind away from everything but I can't lol! I'm one of those pathetic persons meant to be sad for good xD or I just haven't found what's missing in my life...actually I did but is too far away from me that it depresses me more xD and wiiii I wanna run away again lol I just like the feeling of experimenting new things and meeting new people and places but after a while I just wanna be by myself and start all over again, I wish I could live in an eternal traveling...going everywhere for short periods of time so I won't be bored
and yeah living in my own world where I'm happy and no one can hurt me xD I"M PATHETIC! I"M PATHETIC! wiiiii!!! it sucks not to be in control of my emotions xD I mean I was doing it at least but I opened the door and I'm crying again, gosh how much I hate to cry lol! and is hard going back to normal...it sucks lol! everything sucks lol! and yeah what I hate the most is to get attached to people that I know will leave my heart broken xD but I am right now, I might not see them again when the year ends and is gonna take a lot of time for me to move on but hey! the good thing is...I still know how to hide it
once again I'm pathetic but at least no one can see it lol!
I'm planning on going this weekend to west virginia and have some time for myself...I want to take care of the horses, doggies and cats, maybe draw a little bit, I haven't done it in almost a year and I already miss it, I wanna ride for hours! I just wanna listen to my head talking to me lol! I'M BORING! I'M BORING! mwuahaha whatever that's just me I'm strange and I will be strange forever so I just don't care anymore...mm yeah what else? mm I need a fucking haircut and my stupid driving license before I go crazy! xD
Wednesday, 1. August 2007, 00:27:16
ok Is been 2 weeeks since I arrived to the United States...and I'm sorta happy I've met wonderful people in the last few days, mostly the first week, it was crazy but I didn't wanna leave New York but well that's how life is isn't it? I think I needed this, is such a big brake from everything, I think I'm a lil bit better now...tho I seriosuly miss someone right now and it hurst a lot...oh well I'll update later...this damn MAC is confusing for me to use
Monday, 2. July 2007, 06:11:53
ok I haven't wrote anything in a long time...so, here's the latest things. I've been down, I've been sad, I've been studying like a freaking slave xD I think I'm gonna end soon, I hope coz half of this semester I didn't do much, mmmm what else? I've changed a little bit, I'm though, just a bit stronger, people ain't that important for me now, I'm more specific with my words, I don't care if I hurt feelings this time, ermm actually I think these past years I've changed a lot but in short periods of time, I feel more comfortable with this version of me, is less pathetic and whiner, less clumsey, less naive, less dramatic, but still a bit happy and with the same sense of humor as alwayz, just less social, maybe a bit nostalgyc...so yeah that's what happened lately.
Monday, 26. March 2007, 06:00:59
I'm depressed...I just can't pretend anymore, is hitting me hard and is a horrible pain in the chest, is like I can't breath, it hurts so bad I've never felt like this I don't wanna lose her, I don't wanna be pesimistic but I'm just too down and she's not getting better or she does and then she gets sick again, I've cried like what? 2 times since she got sick...I want to be strong but I can't I'm falling apart, I wish I could turn back time and I would of took her to the doctor on time, I wish I would of listen instead of being self-centered in my own head all that time, maybe if I wasn't so sefish nothing would of happened...the radioteraphy burned her, is like literaly her skin is falling off she can't even sit because she's too burn and I can't do anything to stop it, I gotta see her standing so much pain, the radioteraphy has destroyed her red globules and she might need a transfusion too, I can't donate because of my blood sugar problems, I can't even help on that I didn't even ate healthy I feel so useless right now...I don't understand why bad things happens to good people, I can't really. I don't wan to study either or even go out but I don't wanna be here either, I mean why isn't me? I'm younger I'm stronger I could of handle it...why her, why can't she die old in peace...this life has no meaning and is a cruel joke, I'm dissapointng of it everyday more.
Read more...
Tuesday, 13. February 2007, 21:11:38
What's new? wiiii I'm 19 now xD yeah am growing old and that's kinda worrying me lol! anyway my brithday was something cute ^_^ I actually felt happy and excited about that, my mom made me a family party there was kids everywhere xD kind of weird but cute, oh and my dad sent me an ipod which I so needed since mine died like 3 months ago...my friends they're so cute they made me apseudoparty the next day ^_^ and I got so many chocolats and candies xD I so love that, and on saturday Sergio couldn't come early from work so I went to eat with jenny, sonia and briam ^_^ it was cool, and I so ate everything since it was free xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD it was a cool day, I felt loved and my mom bought winnie pooh things as decoration lol!
Monday, 29. January 2007, 17:21:14
Ok is me again ^_^ ...well what's new? I didn't leave after all, I have no money and I ain't in the mood of working =D besides college started and that means less contact with my mother, sometimes I try to be on her place and gosh is so hard to live with someone like me xD so yeah I try to be understanding...what else? yeah college sucks xD tho is a great distraction, this is my second week and I'm already full of work, I gotta read a financial book by this friday, and mmmm yeah I'm alone in a subject, Lineal Algebra, but oh well I think I gotta start to make new friends 'cause I don't understand anything the teacher explains, and I bet my ass I'm not the only one, he's pretty much confusing.
Lately I've been having those horrible mood changes just that now I ain't lovey like last time but moody xD I'm fighting even with my shadow, I'm just lil bit emotional, oh and my vegetarian diet is working great I've been 1 month and 3 days without meat =) I'm proud of myself I thought I couldn't do it, I think I'm also moody coz I miss meat but nah it will go away with the time.
And what else? my grandma has cancer =( it took me like 6 months just to accept that fact and according to the doctor has no cure but still she'll recieve chemotherapy...I feel like crying just to think about what's coming, like she won't eat, she'll throw up, she'll be weak and sick and I can't stand that, hurts me to think she'll be like that but I have faith in God she'll cure =D there's nothing Impossible to him, I'm like praying early everymorning for her =) I just love her so, I know she'll have to die someday but I don't want her to die in so much pain, her life has been hard enough already, and actually you wish your loved ones wouldn't feel any pain but well this is life and no one said itwas easy.
I'm also leaving to the USA in few months, a new job wiiiiiii also to study, I need to get away from everything arround me for a bit or I'll just die. Anyway that's my boring life
Tuesday, 7. November 2006, 00:36:31
Memories of a withered time
I wish the sun
Could shine as that day
To watch your face
Until it light fades
To hold your hands
And touch your hair
To count the stars
And put them names
I miss those days
When you sang and I played
The nigths we were dancing
Under the rain
Our fires in the kitchen
And the brownies we made
The Animals I found
And you helped me to care
Our tea parties
With the dolls and ourselves
We were confidants
Family and friends
Today you’re here but you're gone
You're an stranger, I'm alone
I didn’t know how hard could be
Live the life by my own
Saturday, 2. September 2006, 14:42:59
Te vas, y siento como mi mundo se deshace
Te vas, y te alejas en medio de la penumbra que trae consigo el alba
Te vas y sueltas mi mano sin siquiera darte cuenta que me dejas
Te vas y tu presencia se niega a abandonarme
Te vas y la silueta de tu sombra no me deja ver con claridad
Te vas sin que pueda hacer algo para detenerte
Te vas ante mi mirada atónita e impotente
Te vas y no puedo ayudarte a regresar
Te vas habiendo doblegado mi carácter y mi razón
Te vas y me convierto en un espectador de tu vida
Te vas y no puedo reparar tus errores ni confortar tu alma
Te vas y te veo caer lastimándote sin que yo pueda sanar tus heridas
Te vas y descubro que tenía todo y no tenia nada
Te vas y se me destroza el alma con cada paso que das
Te vas y la frivolidad de tu mirada se convierte en espinas que se entierran hondamente en mi corazón
Te vas sin que pueda decirte lo que nunca me atreví a confiarte
Te vas llevándote mi vida y mi voluntad contigo
Te vas opacando la luz de mi conciencia
Te vas ignorando mis suplicas ahogadas en lagrimas que se estrellan contra el pavimento de la misma forma en que yo me estrello contra mi soledad
Te vas y la distancia me hace quererte cada día mas mientras el viento me susurra que nunca volverás.
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