Diana's world

I don't have idea what i'm doing, but i'm temporarely happy i think, became very popular in the last few months, became very attractive for many ppl i guess and i'm conscious now of it, never really saw myself like someone attractive but i realized i am...tho i lost the closest friends i've ever had...built up my protection shield but...i've lost complete north of my life...where am i going? why? what's gonna be tomorrow? where am i gonna be in 5 years? never been so don't know dreamless...i wanna help tho, to whoever is in my power to help!, brings me satisfaction, other than that, my life passions dreams and goals are kinda forgotten at the moment, dont think i know what i want, but at least now i know what i don't want, don't wanna be a boring engineer working only in function of the money! that's just sad, wanna find something to make me happy, still dont know what it is tho...my mother, my mother drives me crazy, she keeps finding life in work and keeps critizicing ppl who does which is so hypocrite but whatever, i let it be, is her life not mine, i can't be responsible for everyone's life decitions, think i got enough trying to find a way to live my own...anywayz that's pretty much it, found a way to survive again.

I'm blowing up, maybe I shd just have a heart attack and get over with this...I cant seem to find myself or any trade of who i am, plus paranoia is taking over me or maybe not, maybe is karma time or maybe i am truly and honestly loosing my mind, i've been back stabbed by each one of those who ever sweared they loved me and i don't believe in that word anymore, i don't believe in good intentions, i don't believe in angels or saviours, i still have faith in God tho.
the source of all this craziness is love, ironically love. such an amazig feeling that only brings destruction, love it might just be a big desire of our hearts, something we want to believe in to make our existence less pathetic and meaningless, a cruel way to turn someone into thousand peaces, yeah i know how that sounds, sounds pathetic, sounds pesimistic, sounds very sad...but is true, i wont get into arguments with those who think they know it all so this is just my point of view and if someone tries to criticize it then i got to words fu@&k off!

I'm confused, i can't keep living from moments anymore and i don't know what's going through my love's mind, forcing things is not really meant to be, i guess that word doesnt really exist, no one is meant to be for anything, we wanna believe we are coz making our lives special makes the word interesting for each one of us...but why is it too hard to leave? why is it so painful to leave when is not supposed to be real? why does my heart feel so sad? why do i stick around when i know is not going anywhere...why do i waste my time trying to avoid the inevitable? something that became doomed to burnt into dust.

So i wanna hate but i can't, all i'm getting is tons of anger and frutrations, my professional life don't make sense, my personal life is a mess and all i got is this stupid blog to let go some random thoughts before i officially loose my mind for good.

It's almost a month and a half since I came back from the USA, the reason...my grandmother's funeral, yeah, well life doesn't wait for anybody to decide, time doesn't wait for you until you're ready, everything comes the way it should come.
I lost her in valentine's day, at 6 in the morning, I told everybody and myself that I did as much as I could to see her before she passed away but only I know is a lame excuse to not really feel the guilt of just spending too much time thinking what to do and not really doing something about it but wait, evoid and deny.
I still have problems trying to sleep at night, it takes me hours to be able to do it...and everytime I remind her the tears come right away, every little detail, like a picture, or just another old lady walking down the street...I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull myself together soon or is just going to take me more time, what I know for sure is that I'm lost without her, is as if someone took my heart and ripp it off my chest, I felt like a part of me died...might not be the first time I lose someone but it is the first time it gets me this hard...and living here again is just driving me crazy, the memories are supposed to make the lost a little bit easy but is just not helping me...I never thought I could understand like truly understand the pain of losing a mother...she might not have been my biological mom, but she raised me and she made me who I am right now, but I'm hollow, I miss her so much, I miss her that it hurts.

I'm trying to get used to the fact she's gone, but still is just not easy, sometimes I go one step further but then I step back 2 more...how could you move on without the most important person in your life? how could you even imagine your life knowing that this person is never coming back and you'll never see them again?...I wish I could know the answer and understand it.
I've tried to be strong for my mom, she's very exhausted of taking care of her all this time, she's a brave woman, but her conscience is peacefull at least because everything she could do she did it...but me, my conscience is torturing me everyday...if only i could at least saw her to say goodbye, but not even that...I can't forgive myself I didn't stay arround to help, I can't forget I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I got scared and ran away...that's me, I'm a coward, I'm always running away from those who love me when they need me, I really don't worth my spot in this world...if I left her then what else could someone expect from me?...I don't know how things are going to turn into but I feel like I really don't have the strenght to find that out, I don't want to live a tomorrow or even a today.

ok Is been 2 weeeks since I arrived to the United States...and I'm sorta happy I've met wonderful people in the last few days, mostly the first week, it was crazy but I didn't wanna leave New York but well that's how life is isn't it? I think I needed this, is such a big brake from everything, I think I'm a lil bit better now...tho I seriosuly miss someone right now and it hurst a lot...oh well I'll update later...this damn MAC is confusing for me to use

I'm depressed...I just can't pretend anymore, is hitting me hard and is a horrible pain in the chest, is like I can't breath, it hurts so bad I've never felt like this I don't wanna lose her, I don't wanna be pesimistic but I'm just too down and she's not getting better or she does and then she gets sick again, I've cried like what? 2 times since she got sick...I want to be strong but I can't I'm falling apart, I wish I could turn back time and I would of took her to the doctor on time, I wish I would of listen instead of being self-centered in my own head all that time, maybe if I wasn't so sefish nothing would of happened...the radioteraphy burned her, is like literaly her skin is falling off she can't even sit because she's too burn and I can't do anything to stop it, I gotta see her standing so much pain, the radioteraphy has destroyed her red globules and she might need a transfusion too, I can't donate because of my blood sugar problems, I can't even help on that I didn't even ate healthy I feel so useless right now...I don't understand why bad things happens to good people, I can't really. I don't wan to study either or even go out but I don't wanna be here either, I mean why isn't me? I'm younger I'm stronger I could of handle it...why her, why can't she die old in peace...this life has no meaning and is a cruel joke, I'm dissapointng of it everyday more.

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