Saturday, February 5, 2011 1:20:17 AM
Few years ago I could say "there's no such thing as new starts!" But hey, I'm 22 (and in a few days 23), people grow up and have the right to change their minds...2011 came as a year quite different from what I've experimented before, I had some time with myself, and me and I got to work out so many issues and started to create a new version of me, I am not who I used to be but everytime I'm getting closer to be the woman I want to be...Yes! I also said once "We are who we are, people don't change". But the funniest thing about aquarious people is the hability to accept we're wrong and change our minds regarding things, we don't have paradigms, and that's the funniest thing about me, I am down to earth but sometimes I take big steps back and foward, well if you don't want to be going from side to side as a ping pong ball you got to have principles! stick to what you believe and change it if what you believe in turns against you or the people you love, but have fundations! Be able to say NO when is needed and try new things as much as it's possible.
Anywayz I'm having my new brand fresh start and I'm enjoying every minute of it, I'm not trying to convince people that my intentions are pure, they'll see if they pay enough attention and if they don't is not my loss...I've had so many ups and downs in my life that I could write a novel of how many people have broken my heart but if I take a look around...everyone is wounded! that's life, is hard and you got to get the best out of it...sometimes you will feel sad? yes, absolutely, in fact, I have and I still do, I feel sad for what it was and is not anymore, for what it is and it won't be, for what it could have been and for what will never be...for all that my heart feels a deep desolation from time to time and I like to spend those moments to myself alone and meditating...Love taught me something, When I loved and I lost I found out how free I am, not because I'm single but because commitment adquires the meaning you want to give them, if it is handcuffs then let me say is going down! I learnt how to love and be loved, I learnt how to commit and not own, yes OWN, that's the magic word, I don't know what makes us think we can own our partner but we do, jealousy is in out genes...even tho I found the love of my life! the love of my life wasn't meant to be my partner in life, guess I keep the hope of growing old looking at those beautiful green eyes, but don't we all live off dreams?...love is for people who can be realistic and smart enough to open their hearts and minds to the posibility that is not always perfect and it doesn't mean it has to stop, also love is for those who find their other half based on realistic expectations more than romatic ideals (but what would love be without the madness of love?)
Too much about love, my main point is, I will always love those green eyes, but i'm ready to find my realistic partner for life...I'm in love with love! and willing to be the best of myself i can be! I passed the page in life's book and i chose to be happy, i chose to live and love
Te busco perdida entre sueños, el ruido de la gente te envuelven en un velo
Te busco volando en el cielo, el viento te ha llevado como un pañuelo viejo
Y no hago más que rebuscar paisajes conocidos en lugares tan extraños que no puedo dar contigo! <3
And all your love I'll take to the grave!!
Friday, December 17, 2010 6:27:39 AM
Tonight could be one of those endless nights where you feel as if you could change the world or have an epiphany about your life, while in the background there's a sad song playing over and over again setting the mood to drown the sorrows...But no, i don't have any discovery to save humanity and certainly I haven't figured out the dalai lama theories to spiritually feed my soul...There's only a mixture of old pictures, poems, and memories bringing a whole spectrum of emotions contrasted with today's experiences.
Last time i wrote an entry my north was gone and i was lost, so what have changed? well i don't write for others but to myself but definitely there is something about blogging that makes your heart lose weight once you've shared that pain/hapiness with someone else specially if that someone is a total and complete stranger...but heading back to the beggining...what have changed? i guess i did, 90% of me has changed, perhaps grew up.
My north? i found my north, I definitely know what i want now, my graduation will be soon. Of course I am excited and terrified, is another step closer to adulthood, more responsabilities, a job, marriage, a family and all those events that come with the years, anyhow, without any more topic deviations, I accidentaly found out my life's passion by entering into a neuromarketing conference as a mean to avoid thinking of the typical sadness caused by a broken heart (yes! i met someone, fell in love, talked bout marriage and babies, and ended as many others, i was angry, i was sad, i cried, i denied, i negotiated, and i acepted it was over) and for the first time in my life i decided to fight for the new dream and i am in the process of improvement.
Professionally my life is all set up by now, i made plans and found the necessary tools to help me achieve my dreams!...now personally? let's say i wasn't lucky in the field of love and there's things in need of healing, it doesn't mean i won't give love another try, it only means i enjoy to be on my own for now and maybe love will happen if i stop looking for it.
Still, our personal lives are beyond finding a partner, so let's say i wasn't lucky with love but i was with friendship, I met wonderful people from whom i've leart many life lessons, people i love and love me back, they shine my world.
Going more personally, family business! after perhaps hating my dad for about 18 of my 22 years of existence, i gave him another chance, so all the mistakes forgiven and forgoten (nevertheless, lessons learnt that won't be repeated) I'm still under special guiadance from God and a very good shrink and i've steped out of my misery (I still cry, and being honest it is a necessary evil to overcome sadness)to acept the world is a wonderful place to be and enjoy.
The greatest feeling in the world is to love and be loved in return, who could be more important and responsible for that feeling than the first one to introduce you to the world? yes i'm refering to our mothers...well mine and I had rought moments, but she is more understanding and i finally learnt to love her just the way she is and not for who i wanted her to be, she is not perfect, but neither am i. we are trying to pick up the peaces of our relationship, it's never too late when you really want it.
and that is my story, i might still be in my dark place, but once i come out, the world will be a beautiful adventure.
Thursday, October 15, 2009 3:02:08 AM
I don't have idea what i'm doing, but i'm temporarely happy i think, became very popular in the last few months, became very attractive for many ppl i guess and i'm conscious now of it, never really saw myself like someone attractive but i realized i am...tho i lost the closest friends i've ever had...built up my protection shield but...i've lost complete north of my life...where am i going? why? what's gonna be tomorrow? where am i gonna be in 5 years? never been so don't know dreamless...i wanna help tho, to whoever is in my power to help!, brings me satisfaction, other than that, my life passions dreams and goals are kinda forgotten at the moment, dont think i know what i want, but at least now i know what i don't want, don't wanna be a boring engineer working only in function of the money! that's just sad, wanna find something to make me happy, still dont know what it is tho...my mother, my mother drives me crazy, she keeps finding life in work and keeps critizicing ppl who does which is so hypocrite but whatever, i let it be, is her life not mine, i can't be responsible for everyone's life decitions, think i got enough trying to find a way to live my own...anywayz that's pretty much it, found a way to survive again.
Monday, August 10, 2009 12:30:57 AM
Today i broke up my heart in thousand pieces by own choise, and i'm too numb to feel the pain...if i stop taking the medication is gonna eat me up from the inside, it's over, it's all over...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009 5:46:54 AM
I'm blowing up, maybe I shd just have a heart attack and get over with this...I cant seem to find myself or any trade of who i am, plus paranoia is taking over me or maybe not, maybe is karma time or maybe i am truly and honestly loosing my mind, i've been back stabbed by each one of those who ever sweared they loved me and i don't believe in that word anymore, i don't believe in good intentions, i don't believe in angels or saviours, i still have faith in God tho.
the source of all this craziness is love, ironically love. such an amazig feeling that only brings destruction, love it might just be a big desire of our hearts, something we want to believe in to make our existence less pathetic and meaningless, a cruel way to turn someone into thousand peaces, yeah i know how that sounds, sounds pathetic, sounds pesimistic, sounds very sad...but is true, i wont get into arguments with those who think they know it all so this is just my point of view and if someone tries to criticize it then i got to words fu@&k off!
I'm confused, i can't keep living from moments anymore and i don't know what's going through my love's mind, forcing things is not really meant to be, i guess that word doesnt really exist, no one is meant to be for anything, we wanna believe we are coz making our lives special makes the word interesting for each one of us...but why is it too hard to leave? why is it so painful to leave when is not supposed to be real? why does my heart feel so sad? why do i stick around when i know is not going anywhere...why do i waste my time trying to avoid the inevitable? something that became doomed to burnt into dust.
So i wanna hate but i can't, all i'm getting is tons of anger and frutrations, my professional life don't make sense, my personal life is a mess and all i got is this stupid blog to let go some random thoughts before i officially loose my mind for good.
Sunday, April 26, 2009 1:13:25 AM
Espero que guardes de mi algun recuerdo
yo por mi parte prefiero renunciar
Te vas porque quiero que escapes de este infierno
no puedo pactar con sangre nuestro final
yo, no puedo, seguir con este juego
no quiero morir, de nuevo mil veces, por ti
despues de los dos no habra (ni una palabra)
ya nada quedara (solo una lagrima)
despues de morir por ti (y resucitar)
ya nada queda, ya nada nos queda
prefiero morir de amor (que vivir asi)
quisiera morir de amor
que seguir agonizando entre tus brazos
no digas palabras que se las lleva el viento
no quieras jugar el fantasma que nunca se va
quiero que salga de nuevo el sol invierno
tal vez deberia dormir sin despertar
yo no puedo seguir con este juego
no quiero morir de nuevo mil veces, por ti (de nuevo mil veces)
despues de los dos no habra (ni una palabra)
ya nada quedara (solo una lagrima)
despues de morir por ti (y resucitar)
ya nada queda, ya nada nos queda
prefiero morir de amor (que vivir asi)
quisiera morir de amor
que seguir agonizando entre tus brazos
Monday, April 20, 2009 11:54:15 PM
I havent written here in a long time...well what can i say? i've grown up and found out i'm very fu#&ed up...so yeap this has been a good year to think a lot of stuff, but at least i can identify my issues now. I miss someone i stupidly took for granted and i'm an ass! going through old stuff hurts a bit. Why sometimes when we have it all we just have to screw it up somehow? as if being happy would be so unreal that we got to ruin it so would be normal again. I'm afraid and scared of being happy, yeah how many people can say that? i've always known i'm a freak...I had it all and i let it go.
I cant love, i'm unable to! i've fed my pride over the years and the fu&#er bit me in the ass! I'm so tired of trying when i know where my heart truly lays, i lost it and cant get it back! saddly is gone! and i need to face it!, but I cant! coz i'm complicated, selfish, self-absort, impulsive and spiteful...yeah the last one is a horrible curse i cant get rid of.
I dont hate myself but i guess i should start getting familiar with loneliness, i cant get enough of anything, i had perfection and it didnt work, average and it didnt work, bad and it was worse...i've had it all! freaking all! and i just want to turn back time and freeze it! but since i cant then i'm gonna whine until i can pull myself together again.
aint it hatefull when you've got everything you've wanted and it wasnt what you expected? but after you blow it all then you realize it was? yeah that's pretty much what i do. I can spend my life searching for what i've found and i will never find anything alike...I dont know what might happen in the future, maybe there is a second chance or maybe there isnt and it was just one that sliped away.
I'm angry, really angry, i'm not afraid of loosing anything coz i've lost it all...many of this words dont make sense but hey! they're random thoughts flooding in my head! i need to let them go.
we're so used to say "everything is ok" for everything! and is not ok! but you keep saying it is! and when you notice you've distanced yourself from everything big enough to see things were going awefully wrong!?? and there's not much you can do, coz the damage is done? everything requires time, but with time i've also seen that you're not getting younger but you're issues are getting bigger! I miss to be a kid! I miss to run and laugh wihout thinking of the fuc#ed up grown up i was gonna turned into...I dont blame my parents, or my teachers or my friends or any of my lovers...i've became into who i am coz i allowed it, maybe deep inside is what i want, maybe i am very very very out of my mind and i dont belong to this reality...could that be possible? could some of us just not meant to be in this dimension? and i'm not talking about dead I mean in a mentally alternative reality where everyone is crazy? and you're normal and not backwards? should I let my brain take me there to be happy?
i got no boundries anymore, I dont know who i am anymore, i've done things and said things that dont match my personality if i can define it as "personality" those weird behaviours that make me be who i am or the person i am constantly becoming into. woow i got no stability. ok this has been a lot of digression and a huge boring paragraph for whoever who read it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 5:29:10 AM
It's almost a month and a half since I came back from the USA, the reason...my grandmother's funeral, yeah, well life doesn't wait for anybody to decide, time doesn't wait for you until you're ready, everything comes the way it should come.
I lost her in valentine's day, at 6 in the morning, I told everybody and myself that I did as much as I could to see her before she passed away but only I know is a lame excuse to not really feel the guilt of just spending too much time thinking what to do and not really doing something about it but wait, evoid and deny.
I still have problems trying to sleep at night, it takes me hours to be able to do it...and everytime I remind her the tears come right away, every little detail, like a picture, or just another old lady walking down the street...I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull myself together soon or is just going to take me more time, what I know for sure is that I'm lost without her, is as if someone took my heart and ripp it off my chest, I felt like a part of me died...might not be the first time I lose someone but it is the first time it gets me this hard...and living here again is just driving me crazy, the memories are supposed to make the lost a little bit easy but is just not helping me...I never thought I could understand like truly understand the pain of losing a mother...she might not have been my biological mom, but she raised me and she made me who I am right now, but I'm hollow, I miss her so much, I miss her that it hurts.
I'm trying to get used to the fact she's gone, but still is just not easy, sometimes I go one step further but then I step back 2 more...how could you move on without the most important person in your life? how could you even imagine your life knowing that this person is never coming back and you'll never see them again?...I wish I could know the answer and understand it.
I've tried to be strong for my mom, she's very exhausted of taking care of her all this time, she's a brave woman, but her conscience is peacefull at least because everything she could do she did it...but me, my conscience is torturing me everyday...if only i could at least saw her to say goodbye, but not even that...I can't forgive myself I didn't stay arround to help, I can't forget I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I got scared and ran away...that's me, I'm a coward, I'm always running away from those who love me when they need me, I really don't worth my spot in this world...if I left her then what else could someone expect from me?...I don't know how things are going to turn into but I feel like I really don't have the strenght to find that out, I don't want to live a tomorrow or even a today.
Monday, September 10, 2007 9:20:39 PM
Ok! another boring update
I came to the USA for 2 reasons, first one, running away from my house and second start all over again....mmm it didn't work I'm tired and my past is chasing me xD I'm a freaking dramatic person so nothing to do with it =D I'm sad again lol! I try to go somewhere different on the weekends to keep my mind away from everything but I can't lol! I'm one of those pathetic persons meant to be sad for good xD or I just haven't found what's missing in my life...actually I did but is too far away from me that it depresses me more xD and wiiii I wanna run away again lol I just like the feeling of experimenting new things and meeting new people and places but after a while I just wanna be by myself and start all over again, I wish I could live in an eternal traveling...going everywhere for short periods of time so I won't be bored
and yeah living in my own world where I'm happy and no one can hurt me xD I"M PATHETIC! I"M PATHETIC! wiiiii!!! it sucks not to be in control of my emotions xD I mean I was doing it at least but I opened the door and I'm crying again, gosh how much I hate to cry lol! and is hard going back to normal...it sucks lol! everything sucks lol! and yeah what I hate the most is to get attached to people that I know will leave my heart broken xD but I am right now, I might not see them again when the year ends and is gonna take a lot of time for me to move on but hey! the good thing is...I still know how to hide it
once again I'm pathetic but at least no one can see it lol!
I'm planning on going this weekend to west virginia and have some time for myself...I want to take care of the horses, doggies and cats, maybe draw a little bit, I haven't done it in almost a year and I already miss it, I wanna ride for hours! I just wanna listen to my head talking to me lol! I'M BORING! I'M BORING! mwuahaha whatever that's just me I'm strange and I will be strange forever so I just don't care anymore...mm yeah what else? mm I need a fucking haircut and my stupid driving license before I go crazy! xD
Wednesday, August 1, 2007 12:27:16 AM
ok Is been 2 weeeks since I arrived to the United States...and I'm sorta happy I've met wonderful people in the last few days, mostly the first week, it was crazy but I didn't wanna leave New York but well that's how life is isn't it? I think I needed this, is such a big brake from everything, I think I'm a lil bit better now...tho I seriosuly miss someone right now and it hurst a lot...oh well I'll update later...this damn MAC is confusing for me to use
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