Diana's world

I havent written here in a long time...well what can i say? i've grown up and found out i'm very fu#&ed up...so yeap this has been a good year to think a lot of stuff, but at least i can identify my issues now. I miss someone i stupidly took for granted and i'm an ass! going through old stuff hurts a bit. Why sometimes when we have it all we just have to screw it up somehow? as if being happy would be so unreal that we got to ruin it so would be normal again. I'm afraid and scared of being happy, yeah how many people can say that? i've always known i'm a freak...I had it all and i let it go.

I cant love, i'm unable to! i've fed my pride over the years and the fu&#er bit me in the ass! I'm so tired of trying when i know where my heart truly lays, i lost it and cant get it back! saddly is gone! and i need to face it!, but I cant! coz i'm complicated, selfish, self-absort, impulsive and spiteful...yeah the last one is a horrible curse i cant get rid of.
I dont hate myself but i guess i should start getting familiar with loneliness, i cant get enough of anything, i had perfection and it didnt work, average and it didnt work, bad and it was worse...i've had it all! freaking all! and i just want to turn back time and freeze it! but since i cant then i'm gonna whine until i can pull myself together again.

aint it hatefull when you've got everything you've wanted and it wasnt what you expected? but after you blow it all then you realize it was? yeah that's pretty much what i do. I can spend my life searching for what i've found and i will never find anything alike...I dont know what might happen in the future, maybe there is a second chance or maybe there isnt and it was just one that sliped away.

I'm angry, really angry, i'm not afraid of loosing anything coz i've lost it all...many of this words dont make sense but hey! they're random thoughts flooding in my head! i need to let them go.
we're so used to say "everything is ok" for everything! and is not ok! but you keep saying it is! and when you notice you've distanced yourself from everything big enough to see things were going awefully wrong!?? and there's not much you can do, coz the damage is done? everything requires time, but with time i've also seen that you're not getting younger but you're issues are getting bigger! I miss to be a kid! I miss to run and laugh wihout thinking of the fuc#ed up grown up i was gonna turned into...I dont blame my parents, or my teachers or my friends or any of my lovers...i've became into who i am coz i allowed it, maybe deep inside is what i want, maybe i am very very very out of my mind and i dont belong to this reality...could that be possible? could some of us just not meant to be in this dimension? and i'm not talking about dead I mean in a mentally alternative reality where everyone is crazy? and you're normal and not backwards? should I let my brain take me there to be happy?
i got no boundries anymore, I dont know who i am anymore, i've done things and said things that dont match my personality if i can define it as "personality" those weird behaviours that make me be who i am or the person i am constantly becoming into. woow i got no stability. ok this has been a lot of digression and a huge boring paragraph for whoever who read it.