Diana's world

It's almost a month and a half since I came back from the USA, the reason...my grandmother's funeral, yeah, well life doesn't wait for anybody to decide, time doesn't wait for you until you're ready, everything comes the way it should come.
I lost her in valentine's day, at 6 in the morning, I told everybody and myself that I did as much as I could to see her before she passed away but only I know is a lame excuse to not really feel the guilt of just spending too much time thinking what to do and not really doing something about it but wait, evoid and deny.
I still have problems trying to sleep at night, it takes me hours to be able to do it...and everytime I remind her the tears come right away, every little detail, like a picture, or just another old lady walking down the street...I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull myself together soon or is just going to take me more time, what I know for sure is that I'm lost without her, is as if someone took my heart and ripp it off my chest, I felt like a part of me died...might not be the first time I lose someone but it is the first time it gets me this hard...and living here again is just driving me crazy, the memories are supposed to make the lost a little bit easy but is just not helping me...I never thought I could understand like truly understand the pain of losing a mother...she might not have been my biological mom, but she raised me and she made me who I am right now, but I'm hollow, I miss her so much, I miss her that it hurts.

I'm trying to get used to the fact she's gone, but still is just not easy, sometimes I go one step further but then I step back 2 more...how could you move on without the most important person in your life? how could you even imagine your life knowing that this person is never coming back and you'll never see them again?...I wish I could know the answer and understand it.
I've tried to be strong for my mom, she's very exhausted of taking care of her all this time, she's a brave woman, but her conscience is peacefull at least because everything she could do she did it...but me, my conscience is torturing me everyday...if only i could at least saw her to say goodbye, but not even that...I can't forgive myself I didn't stay arround to help, I can't forget I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I got scared and ran away...that's me, I'm a coward, I'm always running away from those who love me when they need me, I really don't worth my spot in this world...if I left her then what else could someone expect from me?...I don't know how things are going to turn into but I feel like I really don't have the strenght to find that out, I don't want to live a tomorrow or even a today.