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Sunday, 22. March 2009, 13:04:05

,

The city woken by the stench
of last night's booze and angry rapes
And by the noise of red-eyed mass
stampeding streets to catch the bus,

 Flooding its bowels, making it sick
with beer-stained breath and greasy cheeks,
The city sighs and greets the sky
concealed in Godforsaken streets.

 The city woken by the smell
of ever lasting morning mist
Has shed a tear over their fear
of being late for the freaky feast

 And over all unwanted kids
evaporating on the sheets,
The city cries and in its eyes
a tiny speck of hatred lies...

 In the city - we're reeking up the city.
In the city - we're withering in the city.
In the city - we're faceless in the city.
In the city - let's pretend we're walking home.

 As he looks upon the Cain cursed kindred,
Their ragged homes and snotty children,
Their small-talk minds brainwashed in shit,
Garnished with clichs, aping wit,

 Their macho garbage and feminist crap,
Bulimic toddlers giving head
To live-in priests, introvert youths,
Unfaithful husbands, instant saints,

 As he looks upon the respectful ladies
Nights long fighting burning frenzies
And their art-devoted daughters
Talking nonsense in the corners,

 Catching eyes of "future legends"
Well aware of their presence,
The city cries and in its eyes
Hatred grows up to the sky.

(c) Niowt, City.
Yes! I've moved again to my lovely city. I don't plan to be a guest and wanna stay here for a long time. Two days as I am here and I've got a job now. It was always easy for me to find some good job in this city. Not so good and not so bad job. Release engineer and build manager of some multimedia software. There is good field for me to work. I like it. But it's not really matters. The best thing is my present in this city. It has me now. And I belong to it again. Third time in my life. I do remember the moment when I left this city last time. I was driving by bus over streets and looking to his buildings, streets and walking smiling people. I didn't want to leave and I felt some sorrow in my heart. Even cried. A bit. I said "good bye" to it and ran away to train...
I do remember I was happy here. I had a lot of friends here. But now I have some another feelings. I cann't understand it but I feel some difference. But I still feel happy I am here. In this post I am trying to understand what happened and what the things has been changed inside me... Well, it's good. I was thinking a lot of time about it. Everything's fine. I plan to continue guitar playing and remember all my best composition. I gotta to complete Nicolas Paganini 24th caprize. I had a dream to play it so fast as possible with overdriven guitar. And now I have this guitar with sound processor. Second thing I have to start study Jeewoo-Jeetsoo style. It's not so expensive as with time and money. And it was my dream too. Third thing I have to find a job with salary at least 3000$. And I am on this way now. Thats my goals here. What about difference with my past... I've found it! My heart is empty in this time and I cann't share my feelings with someone. I think this is not so matter this time. At least all my fault was because women and this is why I left this city two times. Maybe it was huge mistake?

2 comments

Beauty

Sunday, 8. February 2009, 19:36:00

What do you feel when you see a beauty? How can you tell what a thing is beautiful and which one isn't? Bright colors? Heh... I can draw terrible silence with bright colors and it will not be beauty. Or draw some black'n'white picture and it will be beautiful. Sure, it's not because bright color. They're just instrument to show beauty and painter use it with all his best. The same is about sounds and musics. Someone can create ugly composition with cellos, guitars and piano while another one can create famous music using just his fingers and a table. What is the difference? Yes, it seems this difference in human who make things. Someone can tell that beautiful souls create beautiful things. Next step... Beauty inside. What is this? It's next question right now...
Things around us. Wallclock, a table, our window. Your keyboard at least. Everything you can divide to two heaps with tag "beautiful" and "ugly". These heaps will reflect yourself full of colors. It can show yourself to you. Everything outside us associated with something inside your head, with some thoughts. And this thoughts make us as we are. Some part of us is beautiful and another one is ugly. Many paople loves to watch a tiger on the screen and they can say they're very, very-very beautiful and kindful. Panthers, leopards, lions... There are a lot of movies where they are shown with all the best from cinema. People who watch these movies loves to see 'em. They reflect the power of nature. Who we are in near distance of panther? Just wictims who has just few seconds to say something to God or to scream in terrible voice. Will we think about how beautiful tiger is in this moment? Not sure. And everyone does know how dangerous these predators but still keep in mind they're beautyful. So, what do we see in these beasts? Inside our mind if we'll look a bit dipper to our mind we can see a passion of power over other people. It trying to hide inside us because some public stereotypes forbids it. But we feel envy to these predators with their power and we see 'em beautiful. We're trying to learn from them. Another people want to adopt tiger or leopards. To make them as slaves. To feel ourselves over predators and we love 'em more. Once one of my friends said: "I have a dream to have leopard and to walk in the street with it. Everyone will fear me". We see a lot of useful things in predators which can help us to live, to make us more powerful. And these things like huge magnit and we're trying to love these beasts. And we see 'em beautiful. Also, many people loves to assotiate theirselves to these beasts. We can see it over whole network. People loves nicknames same as Panther, Tiger and so on. They want be so beautiful as these wonderful creations of God. There is another parts of this beautiful kiddies... Everyone knows they're predators. And almost no one see how they're eating. How they're killing. If you could see this blood you'll stop love 'em and they will be something like dead zombies from scary movies. Because no one wants to be a meatman. But beauty is not only the beasts. There is a lot of other beautiful things for us in this universe.
It's Andromeda, huge galaxy near our Milky Way. Near... What a funny word now. It located tooooooo far from our galaxy. But it's really near in comparison of other galaxies. What do you see? It's not real photo of Andromeda but 3D modelation used OpenGL technology. But still looks good. Someone can see a mass of white shiny dots spiraled to roll. And he cann't say it's beautiful. What a beauty of dropped spoon with sugar? Everyone can make something like that with salt on a table... But another guy will open his eyes in wonders and his breath will stop for some moment. He will not see white dots but milliards couples of stars, milliards of unnamed constellations and uncountered amount of civilizations there. So many uncovered things awaiting when people will open them. Large human is about two meters high, Earth is about 6 000 000 meters in diameter. Light flies with speed of 300 000 meters per second or 1 080 000 000 meters per hour! And what? Huge distance right? Can you imagine how many meters will fly light in one year? Let's try: 9 460 800 000 000 meters. Or one light year. When we count distances between stars we use light years measure. Nearest star to our Sun is Alpha Centaura. Far away as four light years. Sirius, pair of stars rotating around each other is eight light years from us. There are stars more than Sun 32600 times in our galaxy and even more. It's HIP 64398 and it located 14 180 light years from us. This distance is 134 154 140 000 000 000 meters or 1/4 part of diameter of Milky Way, our galaxy... Can you imagine it? Now you see how huge our Galaxy. Andromeda a bit larger than Milky Way. This huge space more than full of questions... Unknown things and it magnits us. And we see beauty here. Huh... Can you imagine you're flying there with speed of light? You need sixty thousands years to cross galaxy. Ok-ok. You're flying one light year per second. Visiting stars, another civilizations... You're surrounding of milliards of stars. And one of them is our lovely Sun. And you've miss is. There is no known constellations, no top, no bottom, no south or north. What to do if you want to go home, if you miss it? You'll be flying from one star to another year by year and be sure, you will not find Sun. Because you're unable to find a flower seed in the sandbox. And you'll start to hate this space, these stars, this beauty more and more... Not just white dots but hell neverendless. Here is still white dots. You can see Sagittarius and Corona Australis constellations here. Almost all people love to watch stars in the sky and see the beauty. But this beauty is very different. Someone see beauty in sparkles and rays from stars, another guys would like to see constellations. And some astrology fans can see people there or more, their feelings and fates. I am sure they see stars so beautiful as another couldn't. Someone can see a compas for seaman or some clock for a guy who live at night and don't use a watch. Stars can show time for you. Moon inside sagittarius constellation... It's very beautiful I see! I'll see this picture in the night sky at 19th February, when birthday of one persone who is very important in my life and I don't know why. I think I'll see it in the night sky when the Moon will be in Sagittarius. When Earth will come to the point where I am now and have made this photo. Because I've seen beauty there and I want to share it to you. Children love cartoons. Huh? Children love?! Everyone loves. Many cartoons are very beautiful. Great personages, ideas and just wonderful pics drawn. I know a lot of little girls who are in love with anime personages, greatest fans. My sweet and dear sister one of them. She gave me this picture, she said it's very-very beautiful. I tried to ask what a beauty she can see there, to describe it. She was unable to say something really understandable for me. Just look to her eyes! Her dress! And these swords around her. So many feeling in her eyes... Yes, there is something strange in this look but it's really beautiful. I think she wants to be like her. Once she said: "It's to sad because I'm unable to be anime personage..." She has a dream. Some dream in her head and this dream in harmony with this image. And I think it's beautiful because this thought in harmony with mine thoughts. I love when people have a dreams. And she has, I like it. And it's beautiful for me. What is the beauty? It's a harmony. A harmony of laws, of thoughts, of colors, of sounds... When something tied with some understandable law for us. Nothing matters what are these laws... A rainbow for example. Let's look what is it? It's not photon noise sure, we can see some phisical law of refractions in the couples of little water tears. Very, very little drops in the air and when sunlight goes throught it - it changes it's way. Some photons go faster, it's violet. Another one slower, they're red for our eyes. We see they're sorted by speed and made to spectre and we see beauty. It's smile for our eyes. Another law is a strong bow there. No any distortion and it smiles our eyes too. It's harmonical spectre in contrast of noised light. When we see it we become harmonic inside. It makes us harmonic people, it's very good feelings to be in harmony. No any noise of thoughts in our head and this is why we love beauty, we love harmonics and we're looking for it whole our life. When all our thoughts arranged with some laws known to us. People who has huge erudition can see beauty everywhere because they know huge amount of laws in this universe. They can see beauty in water, in flame, in wires, screen pixels, machines, all kinds of music, computer programs, stars... So many kinds of beauty. But no one can see beauty in noise because it slaves to very difficult law for our mind. The law of universe. Of whole universe. If you'll see beauty in haos of everything - it mean you can talk to God... Some laws very large for our mind but still smallest sand in desert. Look to this formula. It's just three letters, equal sign and one digit... Five symbols. Energy, mass and highest speed. Last one is constant and mean speed of light powered by two. Energy and mass. These are very different natures in phisics. But they're tied with one law. This law is corona of phisics and it shines with powerful rays of encountered power. Twice powered speed of light, speed itself and mass... Can you feel this connection? This formula opened the door, invisible door for our eyes and logic. It has show how many energy contain everything around us and we just have to take it. It's energy of stars, of whole milliards stars in our and other milliards of galaxies which contain milliards of stars, with planets, with civilizations... And all this amount of masses, unencountered amounts of kilogramms multiplied to twice powered speed of light... Unbelievable beauty...

13 comments

Thinking in fire

Tuesday, 13. January 2009, 18:51:00


You, I'm thinking of you.
Thinking of you, thinking of you...
Miss you much in my life.
I like you, I lack you...
So strong with your power
and looking like flower.
It's you, yes, it's you.
I need you, I miss you.
When I'm looking around
I'm looking for you.
When I walk on the ground
I'm thinking of you.
Watching the skies and waiting
Looking to stars, my heart is breaking.
Again and again...
I do remember your eyes
and feeling your price.
The price of my life
and it cuts like a knife.
Day after day and night after night
I'm watching for you throught astral sight.
I'm looking to Venus and thinking of you
Watching the skies to find something new.
Something what help me to tell you the story
Something to help me increase my glory.
Thinking of you and watching our past.
It's in my memory stored at last...
I do remember I wanted to kiss
your lips... your fingers, your shoulder...
And all what I feel now is miss.
And between us I feel some border.
You're behind this wall of briks.
It's around me like some kind of disk.
I'm trapped inside of my feelings...
And all what I feel is the risk.
I want to be near, I want to help you.
I want be together, dear, I love you...

7 comments

Life's going on.

Monday, 29. December 2008, 23:41:01

One more day and one more night.
Chains around my body keep me in fight.
I have chance no more, going to fall,
My chains keep my arms still tied at all...

Hello my dear friends who miss me a lot. I am still here walking on the Earth and watching the skyes. Looking for stars and doing nothing possible to be immortal persone in this universe. I still don't know who am I and still don't know to whom I belong. Long time ago... I've been chained with this life. This world around is crashing.
My mind... Or my madness. It is me whole without a soul.
My mind loves to listen music but he don't know for what? My mind always keep me tied with its wishes. To make programs, to play some game, to watch movie, to sleep, to love, to fly, to drop, to close my eyes, to ask someone about something... But for what?! I don't know. Maybe you do?
Yeah, it is voice of pessimism in my head. Looks like it is. So, why not? Yes, it is. But it's not only my voice. And it's not alone. There is another voice. Optimistic voice. Yes! Alex! You're great! No one can make programs like you, you're very beautiful and kindful. Brave, creative and so on and so on...
There is so many thoughts in my head... They're always whispering something to me. About blackout, about robotics and artifical intelligence, about huge software and virtual reality. Not only dreams but realization and architecture. But for what? To sell my life for realization of these great ideas. Looks like it's not enought for my mind. It wants more and more... Reading another programs to stole ideas from open software. For what?!
Ok ok... It can bring a lot of money for me. And for other people. Many people tell me I have to open software company. But looks like I am loosing time with dreams.

When my heart is burning
I loose my control
When my heart is burning
I search for a soul
When my heart is burning
I never love anymore
I loose my soul for you...
(c) Babylon Will Fall, Souls.

Sometime I am so lonely and looking for some soul. I think if I'll find her all my problems will be solved with some kind of magic. All pain will dissapear, all my dreams come true and so on. What a illusion...
Why do I think I am not able to realize all my dreams because I lack some girl? Some second part of me. Huh, it sounds so funny now... It's just lust trying to promise me realization of all my dreams. But she lies... I have to forget this woman at least prior next life. In this life I am lost already. I have to become robot without emotions and love. Many girls like me it's right. But I am very good outside and almost dead. To fall in lust it mean death. Yes, I do remember its promise. If I'll keep lust I'll get all my goals. But it lies. Just think without illusion. How lust can enlarge my pocket? No no, don't worry. I don't plan to die in near future. But my illness is not so joking thing. One more enemy in my life to fight.

You're lazy...
Just stay in bed.
You lazy...
You don't need no money,
you don't need no bread.
(c) Deep Purple, Lazy.

Yeah... Looks like it's true. My head is full of dreams about great projects to realize. Virtual city, a projection of real city to computer gamelike software. Where you can drive some cars, find some home and so on. Another one is less great, but still is great and huge. It's huge billing system and business automation software. Everything business needs. This project based on the huge expierence of watching business machines and clients relationships. A lot of things done but I am lazy to continue. Sometime I become so optimistic and feel power of my mind and start coding programs and develop architecture. But then I see how huge work I have to do before finish and some depression will come. Starting yauns and lying to sleep even if I don't want to sleep and my body is full of power. To be lazy is easier than to work. Time after time it become again and I starting to work again. Just for moment then stop... A lot of things help me to keep my work commented and documented every my step.

I am looking to other people who doing business with great steps. I think why they can do it but I cann't?! What a hell? It's not rule of justice. It's just envy... I want to crash their business just because I cann't join or just because they have it. I think they have money to make business. Money, the oil of mechanical parts of their business machine. I want their money even if they aren't mine. Envy, envy, envy... It's the way to drop all my doings and stole their money. I know it's bad and feeling myself like very, very bad guy. I do prefer to keep my envy except starting my own business. Because I am too lazy to make own business machine with oil to work. I am affraid if I'll fail and I'll be unable to pay salary. I am just affraid to start. Because I don't know how to do it. Because no one can help me. Because... Just because I am too lazy and full of envy. I am looking to other people, but I have to look to myself. To build business step by step. But I cann't fight with lust, laziness and envy. They have too big power against me and I feel wrath in this understanding... I become angry because I am helpless...

I want to crash heads of lucky people. I want to make'em bankrotes just because I have nothing. I am very angry because of seekness of me... Sometime I beat some faces and looking for smallest reason to kick his ass and break nose. Sometime when I am very angry I am going to street and looking for bad guys who want my mobile phone or to take my money. And when I cann't find people who looking for troubles I become more angry and crashing trees with my fists till I see my own blood. I am going to home and oh God... What a hell this car started its signalization?! Yeah brik to it! Yes, I've made some evil, time to sleep... I can stop angriness. It's not so difficult for me. But I'll get depression. Wrath is energy. Black energy of our mind and it wants to exit outside. I become angry when I hear lie from persone I love. I become angry when someone hit me. Sometime it's so large and I loose control... Once I've break a lot of bones of street guys. They almost killed me just because I have very bad mobile phone. Something about 20$ cost. And they started to kick me. But I've found iron pipe scrambled my face and in three seconds I've freed all my demons out. It was terrible but I lost my control and beated all 'em. Broken bones and terrible screams. I want to crash the world just because I am helpless... I know, when I am angry I am walking on the sharpen knife. Death so near of me and sometime I feel her breathe...

Oh oh oh... It's me... I am so strong, fast, kindful, lovely, smart and beautiful... Yes, it's me. Genius man who walking on this planet. I am so different! Nothing can stop my madness in this world. I've beated even mortal illness just with my mind... The best right. I am, I am... I am best man in the world! No one can understand women like I do it. No one can make programs like me. I am proudly looking to mirror with happy smile. I'll be rich guy with a lot of cars and girls. Why should I be envy? Let 'em be, not me. I am great software architector, smart programmer and fastest coder. I know how internet does work in smallest details. My hardware never breaks in my arms because I love it and know every little chip inside. If it will breaks - I'll fix it myself. I don't need technical support. I am technical support. I love myself too much. Oh! I am poet! Almost forget... Great writer. I can play guitar, piano... And I am sure I can play everything after little practice. I am great designer, 3D modeler, site developer. I have great knowledges wired in my mind. And I have wonderful dreams. I like myself, the best persone in my life. So many people interested in me and I have so many friends over the world... Me, me, me... And all my vanity... Why should I work?! I am so good and people have to pay me just I am talking to them! Ha-ha! What a great way. It's nothing really matter if I am lazy, angry and why should I feel envy to you?!

Stop stop stop... Alex, stop it... No one will understand you. What is vanity and what it does? It's a good way to loose all your friends... It's more terrible than proudness. Does it help me to make my business machine? I think no. Just next thoughts in my mind and they're not about how to start business. But I need it. I have to start my business at least because I want to eat. And to eat good. My body needs good food. A lot of good food. To swallow it to my tummy. I love great food. If I couldn't be so lazy I couldn't get my illness. Bread and tea are not for me. Pineapples, bananas, oranges, wine, fish... Mmmmm... Chicken grill... Mmm. I want it all. Is it a thing I am living for? Am I living for my tummy? Is it all target of my goals? Heh... I think no. But I want it and want it. Should I work only for this? Should it stimulate my work? Can it stimulate? Yes, it can. But very little steps are done for this. It can be covered just with salary of 1000-2000$. So, for what should I make business machine? For next sin? Avarice?



Yes, all my business machine for avarice! To make own government, own kingdom. To have a lot of cars... And power of money.

All these sins in my head and I don't know where to go...

14 comments

New way. Again

Saturday, 20. December 2008, 02:29:55

New way again and new turn
Should I look back or returt?
Nothing happened inside my head
And I am still eating this dry bread.
Yes, new way is good
I am looking forward and heat my blood.
Sun is rising, it's time to sleep
Next life begin and my soul lies deep.
Deep inside this darkest corner
Looking around and feel some honor.
Crying inside and flying away
Where the lord I have to obey?
I see demons around in this universe
They're always near since my birth.
Watching for souls we're trying to hide
While we're living like horses to ride.
Where I am? What happened to me?
I've been hidden inside and no one can see
My new way to eternity...
It will be, it will be...
Traectory to fly is unknown for me
But I've made this first step.
It will be, it will be...
Typing alien words on the screen
It will be, it will be...
Watching around new world never seen
It will be, it will be...
Laws of physics and mathimatics
Around of me, around of me...
I am looking forward!
I'll win, I'll win...

No comments

Thoughts inside your head

Saturday, 6. December 2008, 12:50:20


You've made this photo by yourself
With this smile I see.

4 comments

Near future? Very good...

Thursday, 4. December 2008, 12:07:35

,

No comments

Night again after time

Wednesday, 19. November 2008, 20:49:32

,

Hello my friends!
I miss you all!
Time is flowing downward
and I am waiting for your call.

Long time ago I was writing some stories here or some poetry. And I miss it.
I've got a time to enjoy from everything I used to be. Now I am here again and thinking about nothing. Nothing at all...


Where to go? Wait for your call?
Doing for something and wear a silk?
Smile outside and cry to inside?
Walking this planet and trying to hide?
Where do you go? To see waterfall?
Why don't you call? Cann't you see?
I am flying to fall!!!

This life I am flying.
This life I am crying.
This life I am loving.
This life I am dying.
Looking for someone
watching around.
Looking for hearts
but living with rats.

What should I make?
What should I create?
What should I keep
and what should I save?
Yes, I am brave and I don't like to shave.
I don't want to kill and I don't want be ill.
Walking to forest away from the bears
and eating the honey without a bees.

Where do you go and why don't you call?
Why should I wait my greatest of fall?

5 comments

Monday, morning! Brand new day!

Monday, 29. September 2008, 01:14:31

,

Goooood time! And good morning!

I thing the echo of this morning well be read more times.
Like a wind of time of our lifes.
It smiles to us and make us grow!
Why not me?! Can't you forgive me?

Time is flowing and the wind is growing.
Just good morning my shine of my glass!
Smile to the rainbow or say goodbye to Luna.
Touch first rays of the Sun and make first step today. :smile:

2 comments

Calling

Sunday, 14. September 2008, 04:42:09

, ,


What has happened to you?
What has changed you in this way?
I cannot get through to you
Doesn’t matter what I say

What happened to the child in you?
To the darkness you disbanded?
I try to listen to your voice
But cannot understand it

Can you hear me calling?
Are you listening to me?
Can you see me falling?
Or are you too blind to see?

Have you spoken to me?
Have I felt a breath of you?
Did I catch a glimpse of light
Of the person that I knew

Just to understand the reasons
I would go, where you’ve gone to
But please give me just one sign
So I know it’s still you

(c) L'ame Immortelle 2004, Gezeiten, Calling.

2 comments

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