Posts tagged with "About me"
Friday, 17. April 2009, 18:04:00
About me
Looking back to history... I am moving between two cities for last 6 years. Strange thing everytime with my teeth. I am moving to this city, starting new job, working for month and I've got real painteeth. First time I had no money for good dantist and some young and beautiful doctor helped me for low price. I had no enought money for second visit and my tooth dissapeared in time. With pain. Good, no pain, no tooth, no problems. I've got back to first city, Krasnoyarsk. No problem with my teeth. Well, sometime ago I am in Novosibirsk again. Starting new job, working for month and again same story. In this time I had enought money. My salary was fairy good. And I've found costly dantist because I believe if I'll pay lot of money I'll get best. I know it. Because when someone pays me a lot I do everything so good as I can. This doctor helped me. He loves his work I could see it. Not just for money but for perfection. Real master in this area and this is why he was working in this good place. I do respect same people and we've been friends. I wasn't sorry for money I've paid. Many people told I am crazy to pay so many for teeth. I was just laughting as answer. I have three teeth fixed and they're not only strong, but stronger. With iron implants and stopping of hardest matherial with color of natural tooth. No difference at all! Before they was looking unreductable at all. I thought I lost'em. But I hadn't complete all teeth and has got problems with some woman again and lost my life and targets. I've got back to Krasnoyarsk again with dead hopes for happy life. Sometime passed, some problems solved and I am again here! Starting new job, working for month and... Yes, it is. I've got painteeth. I've dialed number of dentistry where my friend was working because I don't know his private phone number. And... He isn't here. I asked where I could find him? But I knew her answer. Ofcourse she is just administrator at least. And even if she could know where I can find him, she couldn't tell it. Just offer me another doctor. I said: "I will dial you later". I've been astray. How to find this man in this city? Well, google... Wow! I am not the first man who was looking for him! WOW!!! Sooooo many positive feedbacks! Little research of information I've found he's number one in this city and someone told to someone where to find him. Second question to google was another. Name of dentistry and my city name. Yeah! He is number one, first photo. I've dialed the number found on this site...
- Hello, Golden Dent. My name is Svetlana.
- Hello Svetlana. Can I see Leonid Stepanovich? I've found he is working in Golden Dent.
- Oh yes, ofcourse! One moment...
- No problem.
- Tomorrow after 16 o'clock... Is it OK for you?
- Yes, see you tomorrow.
And tomorrow I'll see the man on this photo. 
Monday, 13. April 2009, 19:17:00
Night thoughts, Poetry, About me, Thoughts
Strange feeling I've got. I don't know what happened but I am in state of anxiety. It somewhere inside me and I feel even some vital vibration. Today morning I woken up with beer-stained breath and little headache. Yeah... Yesterday. Yesterday?! It wasn't yesterday. It was before yesterday. I was drinking vodka and beer with my friend and one more strange persone. We was talking about full shit whole the time. I do remember I was little drunk and before I laid me down to sleep I was reading AMD64 technical documentation. It's very difficult technical reading. Not just some assembler instructions but system programming and SIMD. I am interested in this area now because I am working with multimedia software. To be number one is my goal everywhere and now I have to speak with processors native language. I have to be "SSE3" and "3DNow!" poet with 128 bit registers. To use all power of hardware both in legacy and long modes both Intel and AMD. I am interested in this area for now. It mean my mind was cristal clear because I do remember all the things I've read. And this is why I think my worring is not because I was drunk. And more... It was before yesterday and in this morning I had little headache and it couldn't even interfere my work today. But this strange worring... I feel it even now when 02:25 night and it makes me unsleepy smoking walkman. I do know I've lost a lot of life energy when was drinking vodka and maybe it could worring me. I feel some fear. Today I was doing my job. Just french localization for our software. I was searching good ways to decrease troubles in future with localization to other languages. I've found one good compromise between quality of solution and time to realize it. Well... I was researching problem and there was some little moment I had to describe what am I doing for one guy inside our company. And I've found I am stammering... Because I was worring. But I had to continue my discussion and it was so difficult. I was looking for words in air around me. I tried to concentrate with discussion but my thoughts was running away from me prior I tell'em.
I am defenceless now. I have no one to share my fears. And I have empty pocket now. No registration yet and penalty fine unpaid. Well-well... Not so good situation. I thought it will be better. I have to find some power to solve this problem. Sweep my wings with roots in ground. Something has more power. But I don't know yet which one. Wings or roots. I just do hope if I am stronger both of my wings and roots.
Men with both roots and wings
They tie us down and ask us to leave
Their teachings unheared
They're bodies on smoke.
Men with both roots and wings
At a singular voice we moan
Our teachings mislead
Our teachings is like smoke.
We sleep when life's flows on Earth
We come here everytime after birth
We're watching our faith as it flows
Down the path of this life we have choise.
We're worring or happy
We have prays to our Sun
We're flowing in rivers
Of out time never gone.
Men with just little wings
Men with just little minds
Men with just little lifes
Men with just little deeds
Thursday, 2. April 2009, 15:36:00
About me, Thoughts
Yesterday I was cleaning my mailbox. Usually I recieve my E-Mail via POP3 protocol with feature of leaving messages on the server. It's very good idea I think because I can keep messages even if I'll loose'em on my laptop. Not a problem to refetch. But sometime my mailbox is full of letters and there is no space available. And I have to clean it up via HTTP protocol also known as web interface. There is antispam feature (usually I don't recieve any spam because my mailbox is too private for spammers database). How this antispam works? It doesn't put the strange letter to incoming folder but there is very special folder for spam. And it doesn't give letters via POP3 protocol I usually use. I've cleaned my mailbox and was interested what is there in spam folder. There were three letters. Just three letters and only one was unprofessional handmade spam. Second one had just "hello" message and it was test letter. I do remember it when we've checked if my friends mailbox is working fine. I was interested why I didn't recieve first letter? So, antispam robot thought it was strange letter and I shouldn't recieve it. But third letter... Well, I was surprised too much. My heart've been beating so strong and I could even hear it in my ears. My face've been red because I've been worring too much. This letter was recieved 3th of march this year, 2009. Well, one month ago! So, let me explain full story. In this year I've been thinking too much of one woman I know for a looong time. More than six years (err... maybe few time for some reason). I felt how much I miss her. And I've started to write long letter for her. And some posts here you can find in my past. Night again after time, Thinking in fire and some other posts, but not so first plane. You can see there some color of miss in post started new year. I've started this letter 28th january 2009. I've shared all my thoughts as they are. Nothing to lie and nothing to hide. Share, share and share. I've told I am thinking of her day by day and even when I do sleep. And I really didn't know why it happened. I wrote that I'll not recieve her answer in many reasons. She didn't answer my last phone calls and SMS. Ofcource no one answer via E-Mail. I've shared one more thing: "I'll never know if you've read this letter". And I didn't send this letter and it was stored to drafts. Well, 17th of february... I've started to continue this letter. Because 19th february she was burn and I was waiting when the Moon will be in Sagittarius constellation. I've noticed it in my Beauty post. There I wrote how I was wondered when I was in hospital with mortal illness and felt she's excluded me from her life totally. And about our common friend who was worring about me too much. Like sister. And even more. And I wasn't crying for this reason. In next day, 18th, I've completed this letter. I've added some thoughts about her. I've told her about my friends who follow me even in different cities! And about my 10000+ people I know. Both in real life and virtual reflection via misterious network. I do remember all of them. And I've told her how I sow death and my reflection in this world in minds of these people. Everyone of them knows something about me. And summ of these things is almost me. My reflection, my embrion awaiting for next life and sometime I feel myself there... I sow it when I've seen death. Face to face. In hospital. It even touched my shoulder. Terrible pain from hell. When all world become as secondary thing in my life, because first one was pain. Neverendless pain to blur feelings of time and space. When halucinations are dancing in mind... And I've shared it. At last I said I am proud to know her. Because she was someone who built me.
This letter was suspended and 27th of february I've just pressed "send" button. One second later something changed in my self. I've understand she is nobody in my life. She was just my imagination! In real life she is absolutely different! She is not interested to me, she doesn't answer to all my messages of heat. She closed eyes and turned back from me when I was talking to death. I've heared thought in air... Her thought. About me. Nothing happened if he will die. Just sigh and nothing more. I've been laughting about myself. And I've shared these thoughts to her too. In another letter. It was 2th of march 2009. Yes, one day before 3th march, a date when letter I've found was recieved to my spam folder. I've got answer 3th march and antispam robot wasn't pleased to give it to me. Because it was too early, because I didn't move to another city yet and this answer could make some damage for me. But not now when everything's OK. When All OK. So, I was happy to recieve it. Opening it and listening to my heartbeats. There was negative answer and it's negative was growing line by line. Well! In the middle I've read first uncensored word!!! I never heared it from her. Then second! Third!!! WOW!!! I was smiling very much and I felt happy to read when she was talking about bad guy, about me, very, very bad guy. Even men in russia don't talk so much uncensored words. I was right about my imagination of her person. She couldn't answer to good letters because there is nothing to answer. Too crappy soul. But there was so many thing to answer negative side! I've sent just one letter of negative. Very little letter. And I've got answer. And I am happy and absolutely free of her! I left her heart and she's gone from my mind.
Monday, 23. March 2009, 16:36:00
About me, Thoughts
oday I had my first day of new job. I like it for now. Good people around, 12th floor office (I love to see a city from above in a window) and quiet atmosphere in air. I started my new work day at 11 o'clock, morning. And so fresh and happy went to work. Whole day I was researching existing code of software build system and I see I have a lot of work in near future. Whole system needs refactoring and there is nothing documented. All information aportioned in the heads of developers and I feel I have to use my great communication skill. It's not problem for me. Everytime when I get new job - there is no any internal documentation and I have to hack the system to understand how does it work. And later make documentation. I like it! Next time I see the truth about dreams coming true. Whole universe answers to our questions with all the best. You just have to want it. To ask it. And at last - to take it. And today I've done last step of this magic chain. I've got a job in this hard economical time. And more. I like this job. I did believe there will not be a problem to get this goal. Everything you want, everything you wish or dream - all will come true if you'll dare to believe. Nothing more. All other things will come true theirselves. It's not a luck or Gods' gift. It's finish line of your wish. Just come to your goals. Even little step will make you near and near day after day or minute after minute. Well...
After the end of workday I was walking to home. Halfway on my legs and another way on the bus. There was snow in the street and it made me smile and more happy today. Next step now. I have to sleep.
Sunday, 22. March 2009, 13:04:05
About me, Thoughts
The city woken by the stench
of last night's booze and angry rapes
And by the noise of red-eyed mass
stampeding streets to catch the bus,
Flooding its bowels, making it sick
with beer-stained breath and greasy cheeks,
The city sighs and greets the sky
concealed in Godforsaken streets.
The city woken by the smell
of ever lasting morning mist
Has shed a tear over their fear
of being late for the freaky feast
And over all unwanted kids
evaporating on the sheets,
The city cries and in its eyes
a tiny speck of hatred lies...
In the city - we're reeking up the city.
In the city - we're withering in the city.
In the city - we're faceless in the city.
In the city - let's pretend we're walking home.
As he looks upon the Cain cursed kindred,
Their ragged homes and snotty children,
Their small-talk minds brainwashed in shit,
Garnished with clichs, aping wit,
Their macho garbage and feminist crap,
Bulimic toddlers giving head
To live-in priests, introvert youths,
Unfaithful husbands, instant saints,
As he looks upon the respectful ladies
Nights long fighting burning frenzies
And their art-devoted daughters
Talking nonsense in the corners,
Catching eyes of "future legends"
Well aware of their presence,
The city cries and in its eyes
Hatred grows up to the sky.
(c) Niowt, City.
Yes! I've moved again to my lovely city. I don't plan to be a guest and wanna stay here for a long time. Two days as I am here and I've got a job now. It was always easy for me to find some good job in this city. Not so good and not so bad job. Release engineer and build manager of some multimedia software. There is good field for me to work. I like it. But it's not really matters. The best thing is my present in this city. It has me now. And I belong to it again. Third time in my life. I do remember the moment when I left this city last time. I was driving by bus over streets and looking to his buildings, streets and walking smiling people. I didn't want to leave and I felt some sorrow in my heart. Even cried. A bit. I said "good bye" to it and ran away to train...
I do remember I was happy here. I had a lot of friends here. But now I have some another feelings. I cann't understand it but I feel some difference. But I still feel happy I am here. In this post I am trying to understand what happened and what the things has been changed inside me... Well, it's good. I was thinking a lot of time about it. Everything's fine. I plan to continue guitar playing and remember all my best composition. I gotta to complete Nicolas Paganini 24th caprize. I had a dream to play it so fast as possible with overdriven guitar. And now I have this guitar with sound processor. Second thing I have to start study Jeewoo-Jeetsoo style. It's not so expensive as with time and money. And it was my dream too. Third thing I have to find a job with salary at least 3000$. And I am on this way now. Thats my goals here. What about difference with my past... I've found it! My heart is empty in this time and I cann't share my feelings with someone. I think this is not so matter this time. At least all my fault was because women and this is why I left this city two times. Maybe it was huge mistake?
Thursday, 17. July 2008, 18:44:21
Night thoughts, About me, Thoughts
Well well well... I've been in hospital more than four monthes. I was too bad to work but now I am shining like some wonderful brilliant! I am full of power and my mind have been able to think!
It mean my vacation is over and I have to work again. Doctors don't let me to sleep outside hospital and three time per day I have to eat some pills. It mean I cann't to at office. Heh. I have my laptop, internet connection... Do I nees something more?!
I think 'no'. And more! I have here some free of charge food! It's more then great.
I didn't work little more than four monthes and forgot a lot of things.
My huge task is to create CRM system from the scratch. From nothing.
I like this idea right now. CRM is Client Relationship Management system. Our company grows larger and larger and we have to have some tools to manage our clients, our services and any relations between them. And there should be little (really large) subsystem for billing services. First way is to count all our telephony and clients of this service (we're telephony provider, one of our departament). First step is done. I've made connection to database I've developed before my illness.
And today is the first day of my official treatment. But not real, it's sad. But this day will come!
Tuesday, 8. July 2008, 23:00:00
About me, Thoughts
Today I've meet her. After long time. I cann't remember when I've seen her last time. Because I tryed to forget her. To forget her at all. Many times I deleted her number from my mobile phone book. Many times I changed my mobile phone number trying not to hear her. But it always return like a magic. I tryed to forget her because I hated her. Because I was too angry and too proud. I couldn't forgive betrayal... Angryness and proudness... Wrath and vanity. Two of seven deadly sins in my head. She was angry too. And too proud... Something strong, much stronger than me, some kind of power made me deadly ill. And many things changed. A lot of thoughts but still proud and angry. Once she dealed me. I don't remember when, but something about two weeks before. She wanted to meet me for some unknown reason for me. She said: "Just want to see you. I miss you.". Nothing more. I thought she wants some revenge for me and this is the reason to meet me. And I hated her. Just hated. And I didn't want to see her at all. But I couldn't answer something like "Get away from my life! Never dial me more!". Proudness wanted to tell it. But something forbids to do it. I just lied I am very busy and promissed to dial later. And I didn't. Three days ago she dialed my number again. I didn't want to take phone. But I did and said hello. She asked why I didn't call as promissed? Whole these days. I was more then wondered: "did you even wait my call?! Huh". Angry and proud. But her voice... It was pure of lie, of angryness and no any proud. I felt she asking from her heart with opened soul. She asked "Why you don't want to see mee?"... And I had no answer. My mind stopped. She asked it from her heart, not from mind. In this moment I sow all my angryness and proudness. I've lost. But seconds was flowing and she was waiting for answer. After some time of silence she called my name... "Sash, why?" Her voice was almost whisper and I felt she want to see me very much. Very, very much and she really miss me. Not a game, not a role. I wanted to crash my head with wall. I don't want to meet her, but I should! I have to meet her. But I don't want. Proudness gone, Angryness dissapeared. And I felt I want to see her very much. To be near. I said "Ok" and we discussed when and where. It was today. Near fountains of opera' theatre.
I didn't sleep whole night and almost forget about our meeting. I was blogging "Loosing... Or wining. But famous anyway.". And I've made a little letter for MarinS to smile her. She had happy birthday. After it done it was about five o'clock, morning. I tryed to sleep but it was just little dream. When it was eight o'clock I was on my legs and started my treating procedures. Whole my room was wondered too much: "Alex? Is it you? You... you don't sleep morning?! No Alex, it's not you! It's another Alex!". I felt myself full of power. But after I sleep to ten o'clock at least. After procedures I've shaved and gone to the bus station. More then go. I was running. It's true. At the last steps I had to run faster because bus was too near station and I could be late and wait one more hour.
So, I am here. I didn't worry. I tryed not to think about meeting at all and just wait to see what will be. I thought how should I meet her? To be cold like an ice or to hug her? I had to spent time and I've started to deal my friends. I didn't affraid to miss her call because multiline phone. I could hear if she calling me while I was talking to my friends. I dialed MarinS and heared a lot of great emotions about my letter for birthday. MarinS was very, very happy to hear me and I was smiling a lot. We was talking about fifteen minutes before saying goodbye. She was at work. After MarinS I dialed Sweetlana, my great and very kindful friend. She was shopping with her mother and couldn't talk much. I was dialing next friend, one more... She didn't come. I begun to talk with far away placed friends and even net friends via my phone till amount of my friends was over. I dialed to another countries and speak english near fountains. I felt all greatest of technology. I am sitting here and can be in any point of globe in one moment. So great feelings. It helped me to forget about person I am waiting for and didn't think about how to meet her. And I see she is calling. I dropped call to redial from my side to save her money. And I've seen her in little more then ten steps from me. I smiled to her but continue to sit on fountain border. I was waiting when she will come near and will say "Hello". In this moment I was dropping my phone to my pocket and felt a hug around my shoulder and a kiss to my check. I've hug her with one arm so cold and without feelings. She said hello and she was happy. Smiling and looking to me. I said: "You looks very happy.". She answered: "Because I've meet you"...
We was talking about little problems of our lifes. I felt free and happy near her. So warm, so kind... Like at home sweet home. She has changed too much. More smarter. No conflicts and no dudgeon. We was talking without our terrible past and huge amount of mistakes. It was looking if we have no past at all. So sweet feelings we felt. I sow it in her eyes. And she has shown a lot of photos and videos on her phone. I sow my daughters first time in my life and I was happiest person on the planet. So sweet children. My children and her. Our children... Two girls. Tanya and Anya. She said to me "Anya looks like you very much". I cann't tell these feelings in her voice and it was almost crying of happy. It sounds like "Thank you for my daughters". And when I've heared it I was almost crying... Happiest day in my life. This is why anyone have to live. Happy so near us. And I can tell when selfishness, angryness and proudness are gone only love stays. And I love her. More than before.
Monday, 7. July 2008, 17:24:01
About me, Thoughts
Hospital. Four monthes! Looks like it will never end and my life changes and changes while beeng away from city life. Can I tell something outside hospital?! I ask myself, not you, my dear friend. And I have no answer. All is changed. I have another mind, another thoughts, another view. Shyness, luckiness... All sleeping inside me. Or gone. I don't really know it. I know only one thing. I am here. On this Earth. My mother... Mother. Woman. Women... Am I interested to women? I do remember I was. Before my last fall.
Now I have only three women, they will never betray me, sure. First one is my mother. My dear mother. She will never betray. She's proudly with my beengs and goals. And she cann't betray. Cann't betray. Unable. Second woman is the planet Earth I am walking on. I love this woman too much. It's very beautifyl. She will never betray. And third woman is my death. She will never betray too. I love all these women. I can trust'em without any fear... Looking forward and standing on my legs.
I feel the wind in my hair... This beautyful and live skin of my woman. Moving skin of Earth. It lets me smell far away from me. It lets me hear from long distance. Just bringing sounds to me. The wind. I love the wind, a part of Earth. I feel lovely whisper of my death. And she is waiting for me and never will change to another guy. She loves me and waiting for me. And never tell something like "Go faster, I have no to wait for so long time". She just waits for me and I am walking toward slowly with smile. She can wait for me whole my life and never betray for so long time. And she helps me everytime. She keeps my soul strong and smart. Many times she saved me, saved my soul with fear to my body. Many times I could die. It was greatest lessons from my third woman. And she likes to watch my life. My mother... My first woman. She let me see second and third. And shown me herself. I am her son, her part... She will care for me everytime in any situation and in any time. I am happy to know it. Three greatest persons will never betray me. It mean I am arounded with the care and I am happy. Smile!
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I've left hospital today and this is infringement. Now I am at my home this night and they miss me. Nothing else matters. 
Better salary I will get here. In this company I am sure. Good field to play business games. Good equipment. A lot of servers and services to sell. Telephony, internet connection... I plan to create some new services same as IPTV. Enhance amount of satellite connections to free money of expensive information channels. It's good yeah. But we have some CRM system and reorganize company. To create some really good billing system to account our services and make some real beautiful invoisec to our clients. And our clients have to see what do they pay and for what. This is my work and I like it. Automatisation of business process and clients relationships. What do I have more? A home. Really old home. Here is no electric power. Here is no WC room. Only behind the dore. No bathroom and no water. Only buckets and I have to get it far away for home. Hmmm... Not so really far. Just about 200 meters. 
Good boy, good... Yeah. But it happened and I have to take my life as it is NOW. 
I have to do these practices everyday to treat my body and to clean my lungs. And have to quit smoking... Yeah, life's going on! 
WIDGETIZE