One more day and one more night.
Chains around my body keep me in fight.
I have chance no more, going to fall,
My chains keep my arms still tied at all...

Hello my dear friends who miss me a lot. I am still here walking on the Earth and watching the skyes. Looking for stars and doing nothing possible to be immortal persone in this universe. I still don't know who am I and still don't know to whom I belong. Long time ago... I've been chained with this life. This world around is crashing.
My mind... Or my madness. It is me whole without a soul.
My mind loves to listen music but he don't know for what? My mind always keep me tied with its wishes. To make programs, to play some game, to watch movie, to sleep, to love, to fly, to drop, to close my eyes, to ask someone about something... But for what?! I don't know. Maybe you do?
Yeah, it is voice of pessimism in my head. Looks like it is. So, why not? Yes, it is. But it's not only my voice. And it's not alone. There is another voice. Optimistic voice. Yes! Alex! You're great! No one can make programs like you, you're very beautiful and kindful. Brave, creative and so on and so on...
There is so many thoughts in my head... They're always whispering something to me. About blackout, about robotics and artifical intelligence, about huge software and virtual reality. Not only dreams but realization and architecture. But for what? To sell my life for realization of these great ideas. Looks like it's not enought for my mind. It wants more and more... Reading another programs to stole ideas from open software. For what?!
Ok ok... It can bring a lot of money for me. And for other people. Many people tell me I have to open software company. But looks like I am loosing time with dreams.

When my heart is burning
I loose my control
When my heart is burning
I search for a soul
When my heart is burning
I never love anymore
I loose my soul for you...
(c) Babylon Will Fall, Souls.

Sometime I am so lonely and looking for some soul. I think if I'll find her all my problems will be solved with some kind of magic. All pain will dissapear, all my dreams come true and so on. What a illusion...
Why do I think I am not able to realize all my dreams because I lack some girl? Some second part of me. Huh, it sounds so funny now... It's just lust trying to promise me realization of all my dreams. But she lies... I have to forget this woman at least prior next life. In this life I am lost already. I have to become robot without emotions and love. Many girls like me it's right. But I am very good outside and almost dead. To fall in lust it mean death. Yes, I do remember its promise. If I'll keep lust I'll get all my goals. But it lies. Just think without illusion. How lust can enlarge my pocket? No no, don't worry. I don't plan to die in near future. But my illness is not so joking thing. One more enemy in my life to fight.

You're lazy...
Just stay in bed.
You lazy...
You don't need no money,
you don't need no bread.
(c) Deep Purple, Lazy.

Yeah... Looks like it's true. My head is full of dreams about great projects to realize. Virtual city, a projection of real city to computer gamelike software. Where you can drive some cars, find some home and so on. Another one is less great, but still is great and huge. It's huge billing system and business automation software. Everything business needs. This project based on the huge expierence of watching business machines and clients relationships. A lot of things done but I am lazy to continue. Sometime I become so optimistic and feel power of my mind and start coding programs and develop architecture. But then I see how huge work I have to do before finish and some depression will come. Starting yauns and lying to sleep even if I don't want to sleep and my body is full of power. To be lazy is easier than to work. Time after time it become again and I starting to work again. Just for moment then stop... A lot of things help me to keep my work commented and documented every my step.

I am looking to other people who doing business with great steps. I think why they can do it but I cann't?! What a hell? It's not rule of justice. It's just envy... I want to crash their business just because I cann't join or just because they have it. I think they have money to make business. Money, the oil of mechanical parts of their business machine. I want their money even if they aren't mine. Envy, envy, envy... It's the way to drop all my doings and stole their money. I know it's bad and feeling myself like very, very bad guy. I do prefer to keep my envy except starting my own business. Because I am too lazy to make own business machine with oil to work. I am affraid if I'll fail and I'll be unable to pay salary. I am just affraid to start. Because I don't know how to do it. Because no one can help me. Because... Just because I am too lazy and full of envy. I am looking to other people, but I have to look to myself. To build business step by step. But I cann't fight with lust, laziness and envy. They have too big power against me and I feel wrath in this understanding... I become angry because I am helpless...

I want to crash heads of lucky people. I want to make'em bankrotes just because I have nothing. I am very angry because of seekness of me... Sometime I beat some faces and looking for smallest reason to kick his ass and break nose. Sometime when I am very angry I am going to street and looking for bad guys who want my mobile phone or to take my money. And when I cann't find people who looking for troubles I become more angry and crashing trees with my fists till I see my own blood. I am going to home and oh God... What a hell this car started its signalization?! Yeah brik to it! Yes, I've made some evil, time to sleep... I can stop angriness. It's not so difficult for me. But I'll get depression. Wrath is energy. Black energy of our mind and it wants to exit outside. I become angry when I hear lie from persone I love. I become angry when someone hit me. Sometime it's so large and I loose control... Once I've break a lot of bones of street guys. They almost killed me just because I have very bad mobile phone. Something about 20$ cost. And they started to kick me. But I've found iron pipe scrambled my face and in three seconds I've freed all my demons out. It was terrible but I lost my control and beated all 'em. Broken bones and terrible screams. I want to crash the world just because I am helpless... I know, when I am angry I am walking on the sharpen knife. Death so near of me and sometime I feel her breathe...

Oh oh oh... It's me... I am so strong, fast, kindful, lovely, smart and beautiful... Yes, it's me. Genius man who walking on this planet. I am so different! Nothing can stop my madness in this world. I've beated even mortal illness just with my mind... The best right. I am, I am... I am best man in the world! No one can understand women like I do it. No one can make programs like me. I am proudly looking to mirror with happy smile. I'll be rich guy with a lot of cars and girls. Why should I be envy? Let 'em be, not me. I am great software architector, smart programmer and fastest coder. I know how internet does work in smallest details. My hardware never breaks in my arms because I love it and know every little chip inside. If it will breaks - I'll fix it myself. I don't need technical support. I am technical support. I love myself too much. Oh! I am poet! Almost forget... Great writer. I can play guitar, piano... And I am sure I can play everything after little practice. I am great designer, 3D modeler, site developer. I have great knowledges wired in my mind. And I have wonderful dreams. I like myself, the best persone in my life. So many people interested in me and I have so many friends over the world... Me, me, me... And all my vanity... Why should I work?! I am so good and people have to pay me just I am talking to them! Ha-ha! What a great way. It's nothing really matter if I am lazy, angry and why should I feel envy to you?!

Stop stop stop... Alex, stop it... No one will understand you. What is vanity and what it does? It's a good way to loose all your friends... It's more terrible than proudness. Does it help me to make my business machine? I think no. Just next thoughts in my mind and they're not about how to start business. But I need it. I have to start my business at least because I want to eat. And to eat good. My body needs good food. A lot of good food. To swallow it to my tummy. I love great food. If I couldn't be so lazy I couldn't get my illness. Bread and tea are not for me. Pineapples, bananas, oranges, wine, fish... Mmmmm... Chicken grill... Mmm. I want it all. Is it a thing I am living for? Am I living for my tummy? Is it all target of my goals? Heh... I think no. But I want it and want it. Should I work only for this? Should it stimulate my work? Can it stimulate? Yes, it can. But very little steps are done for this. It can be covered just with salary of 1000-2000$. So, for what should I make business machine? For next sin? Avarice?



Yes, all my business machine for avarice! To make own government, own kingdom. To have a lot of cars... And power of money.

All these sins in my head and I don't know where to go...

It was very hard day. In the company. All our clients had some problems with INet connections and VoIP. They couldn't dial to their happy family in other country. Also they was unable to send ICQ and E-Mail messages... Little more then ten minutes without INet link to whole world. And I am sure they were angry. Maybe very-very angry. I've heared a lot of phone calls about lost telephony, our client manager was crazy about these loosing money. Hell happened inside office and I had to find this problem. I tryed... I really tryed! This crazy stress situation. After strong illness... And I've found this problem and it wasn't my technical fault and it wasn't fault of a man before who was working at my place and on my table. Our system administrator used new equipment and looks like it's very buggy. Cisco... Ciscow! It's good environment but I cann't tell if this is good. Waiting for sunrise at office. Sleepy...
Thank to all my friends who told these words: "Alex, don't work so hard, Alex, stop! You cann't get money of whole world! You're after hospital, you need reabilitation! Alex, why did you left your hospital before treating??"
Yes, I did... I have huge risk for my life and... What's hell, Alex?? What're you doing here? Why you've left hospital?
Yeah... I did it myself because my company was crashing day by day and I love my company. It need me. And I need it. I am very proud to know a man who made this company. When I am walking in the office and looking around I feel the love. I can see this office was made with love. Looks like this company is his dream and it have to live. And I understand this man.
I am here, doing a lot of things to save business. Every one of us does it too. Khmmm... Almost... One was fired. Or he has gone himself. It's just question of time.
So I am here. Because I respect one man. The man who made this company. And I have to help him. Because he helped me...
And I am happy to know I am doing it. Working hard, working hard... I am sure this company will rise!

Well well well... I've been in hospital more than four monthes. I was too bad to work but now I am shining like some wonderful brilliant! I am full of power and my mind have been able to think! It mean my vacation is over and I have to work again. Doctors don't let me to sleep outside hospital and three time per day I have to eat some pills. It mean I cann't to at office. Heh. I have my laptop, internet connection... Do I nees something more?! I think 'no'. And more! I have here some free of charge food! It's more then great.
I didn't work little more than four monthes and forgot a lot of things. My huge task is to create CRM system from the scratch. From nothing. I like this idea right now. CRM is Client Relationship Management system. Our company grows larger and larger and we have to have some tools to manage our clients, our services and any relations between them. And there should be little (really large) subsystem for billing services. First way is to count all our telephony and clients of this service (we're telephony provider, one of our departament). First step is done. I've made connection to database I've developed before my illness. And today is the first day of my official treatment. But not real, it's sad. But this day will come!