Thoughts of Imbalance

I'm a guy of values, set in the old ways...I try to do what's right. I've been hurt in the past but who hasn't? Everything that hurt us has made us who we are. Same is true for the things that made us feel good. I have learned what I know (or think I know) not from mentors but from the falls of others, including my self. You touch a stove and it burns, you've learned something. You see the stove again but don't touch it, you've learned a lesson.

A while back a girl I know, and to this day still adore, did something that I misinterpreted. Her relationship was in shambles and she was sending different signals. I want you, I want him, I want you, him, you, him...you get the idea. We've done the dirty before this man and decided it was best not to hook up ourselves even though it would have made me very happy. So the thought of her sending those signals was great.

After a night of dancing and drinking she asks to have sex. A.K.A. the dirty. I said I don't think that it was a good idea. She rolled away from me and wrenched at my heart. Actions speak louder than words and she was screaming at me by just laying there silent.

I felt like shit, just total shit. Here lays the girl that I wish I could marry, wanting to do the dirty with me, ME, not her shithead boyfriend (who is actually pretty cool...as much as I hate that too), not the guy that's hotter than me that was hitting on her all night, me. There she lays, trying to figure out why I turned her down. I could just hear her thoughts haunting me, "What's wrong with me...relationship down the drain and now the guy who's been obsessed with me since 6th grade won't sleep with me?! I'M EVEN DRUNK! ........What am I fat? Not good enough for him anymore?"

She began to speak. I forget what exactly she said, something self deprecating I think. It made me feel shitty terrible, after all, I was the cause of the comment. So I assured her that there was nothing wrong with her and then snuggled up to her, kissed her neck, and began the mating dance.

The next time I saw her I was going to tell her how bad I felt about what had happened and how it happened. I didn't want to be second place...a plan B...a person that you can fall back when you need the love that another can't provide and it felt good to be number one for once. I brought it up like so, "I need to talk to you about what happened last time we saw each other." Before I could explain, she stated that she felt terrible and that it was wrong.

She went on to explain that she is in a relationship and how terrible she was to let this happen, people shouldn't do that kind of thing, ECT. I was devastated, completely torn apart inside. I felt bad because I rejected her offer but now I felt worse that she feels bad because of him, not me. She used me that night for comfort, she new she could fall back on me and she did but now she feels bad because of what she did to him. I would have torn my heart out right there if it wasn't in a million pieces.

I do feel bad about what I did but it was for different reasons then her. I felt bad for her, she felt bad for him, who felt bad for me? NOBODY. Why should anybody, tho? What I did was wrong, I knew she was still in a relationship, why did I do it? Because I was weak. If I would have said no and stuck with it I wouldn't feel terrible and she wouldn't feel bad.

Recently a different girl, whom I am great friends with, put me in a similar situation (little to her knowledge). She has seen some shit in her lifetime and I'm sure will see more. We go out drinking and go back home and she sends all the signals for mating. I evade them. She then sends obvious signals....ones that the kids can even tell something's up. She was in a fragile state at the time, I'm not just talking about being drunk, a fragile state in her life/emotions. She was seeking the same comfort. I turned it down, turned her away, she kissed me and said that she loves a small part of me. It was a very nice thing to hear but I felt like shit.

She went into her bedroom and I crashed on the couch. Maybe she cried, maybe she passed out, I don't know. I lied there on the couch, staring at the wall assuring myself it was for the best. It was a long night for me but in the morning there wasn't too much awkwardness. I wasn't about to let the same thing happen twice, wasn't about to lose this friendship because of one night of reassurance.

So I guess this post is to tell her that it wasn't because I don't like her enough to do the dirty, I just love her enough to not mess up a good thing. As a post about a previous lady, this girl will probably never hear this. I just needed to get it off of my chest.