Waiting

”Move yourself,” he said eagerly.
”Turn your attention to something else.”

”I shall not move”. She lowered her voice in a discreet whisper. Her eyes were bright blue. They both blinked in the sudden dazzle. He was aware of she had made the wrong decision. Again. She was weak – kneed and always giving in for Him. If he only could convince her. If he only could make her see. She went into the affair with an open mind, but unwilling to see the reality, how it exactly was.
”You always lived your life the way you wanted it.”
”Yes” she butt in. ”And I still am”
He let out a deep breath, loud enough to be heard. She was truly not.

"Say you don't want to chance it, he prayed. Please cut loose!" He had known her for long time. She had been hurt so much. How could he sit and watch it, this One Man’s Show never coming to an end? She would loose herself and her inner life. One day she would discover herself on the wrong track. What if it was too late? She didn’t see herself. She didn’t see the steps she was taking and he was her friend.

”Shake yourself! You are the steps you take. You can succeed. But you have to give yourself a chance to be free.”
”I don’t want to bee free,” she replyed. ”Don’t you see I will get lonely if I let go.
”No!” He almost cryed it out. ”Owner of a lonely heart is better much than owner of a broken heart.”

At this moment she glanced at him. He was her friend and she knew he cared for her. After a long silence she said: ”What’s the difference? They both hurt.”

She left. He stood watching her walking away from him. On her way back into her world. He had to admit, she was right: A lonely heart or a broken heart; They both hurt.


Unni (with help from YES)

A walk on the beach is always a treasure. Nothing compares to it. A morning walk when the sun is up, or an afternoon walk to view the sunset. When life is limited one learns how to value moments like this. One has to live life to the full. Life is too short to wake up with regrets. In Norway we dont’ celebrate Thanksgiving. If there was something we should inherit from the Americans, it had to be Thanksgiving. It’s a very good idea. Since there’s no one around to share a meal with, I will share some thoughts with you.
At my walk at the beach I came to think of the people who loved me or at least cared for me. There will always be someone who cares. Right now there will always be someone who is thinking of me, somebody hopes I am not in trouble. Somebody wants to hold my hand and I know for sure there is someone praying for me. Somebody hope everything turns out alright. Somebody wants me to know I am always in his or her heart. Somebody is even playing a song that I love! Believe it or not; when I turn on my computer in the morning, there is a song waiting for me from an on -line friend of mine. Can you imagine what it means to me? I now have a collection of my favorite songs on my computer.

’So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't.’ I read that somewhere and I finally realize it’s true. We have to free our heart from hate and free our mind from worry. We should never pull or push people, but attract them. But don’t let someone become a priority in your life, when we are only just an option in their life!
Today I want you to know that somebody wants you to know that you are a part of him or her no matter how near or close you may be. Somebody wants you to be happy. Somebody wants you to find him or her. Somebody wants to give you a gift. Someebody wants to hug you. Somebody is thinking of you and smiling. Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun. Somebody wants you to believe in yourself and know they believe in you. Somebody is your friend. And somebody misses you more than you know. Happy thanksgiving

Aleksander returned to his room. He lit a cigarette and was about to sit down on his bed as usual. Then he caught sight of the chair he had been sitting in earlier. He changed his direction and went over to it. He sank into it and leaned his head towards the neck pillow which was covering the top of the chair. He needed to think, to reflect on what had taken place yesterday. He had actually talked to her. It was such a relief to think of it. Hearing her voice for the first time in several months, was painful. Then, after, it felt like Resurrection Day, the resurrection of his life. Having surrended to the truth, his spirit had been set free. At the very moment he had asked for forgivness, the burden had left his shoulders. He could finally breath again. It was one step further.
He sat in silence and smoked. It was Saturday and he knew his brother would soon turn up. Eline did the things in the house that she always did. From where he sat he heard the kids playing in the yard. Their voices reached him, small, high, rolling - singing laughter from his niece and nephew. He was longing for the day he could play with them again. There were so many things he was longing for but he did’t allow those thoughts to appear. Right now Mirjana was in his mind. He needed to let her stay there for some time. It comforted him.

Eline left and took the children with her and Simon helped his brother in the shower. He felt his brother’s fingers on his face, putting on shaving cream. Then he handed Aleksander the razor who grabbed it and with gentle movements he removed hair from his cheeks and chin. When the shaving session was over, he poured shower liquid over his entire body, then letting it be sprayed off with warm water. He did it twice. ”It smells good, is this a new one?”
Simon Vik shook his head. ”No” he said with a smile.
”It smells differently”.
”That’s impossible. It is the same one we used last Saturday.” He held the plastic tube up so Aleksander could read. It was blue with white script. All right, he had to admit. Yet it was strange. How could something smell different from one week to another? For a second he was considering whether to tell Simon about his phonecall last night or not. Simon had been nagging about this for ages.

Simon brought him his training suit,but Aleksander objected.
”Can you find me some new jeans, please.” The thought of how he had been missing his jeans was still bizarre. Once again he felt the pain remembering his loss of life and his powerful desire to rediscover it. It had to be somewhere. Simon stared at his brother. There was something about him today. Some undefined. He hesitated for a moment, then left and came back with a pair of clean jeans and a red sweater. Aleksander thanked him.

”Simon, can you take me somewhere?”
Simon glanced at his brother in disbelief ans surprise. What was going on?
”Sure,” his brother replied. There was a short pause.
”What do you wanna see?”
”The ocean.”
Simon hesitated for a moment. ”Can you manage?”
”I think so.”
”Then let’s do it.” It was such a delight with non problematic people.

When Kristina returned they dressed Aleksander in his winter coat although it was early spring. He wore his warm boots, too. They each held his arm and walked him safely down the steps. There was a slight move in the trees, a gentle breeze was blowing. He opened his mouth and inhaled the fresh air. Oh God makes this happen! He concsentrated on each step, breathed, then stepped. One at a time. He saw Simon’s car five meters away. One, two, five! Simon opened the door to his car, and Aleksander fell down on the front seat, totally exhausted. So far so good. The car left the street and a minute later they were on the right track. The fjord appeared on his right hand side. Last summer he had been canoeing here together with Mirjana. He kept his eyes on the fjord until it disappeared in front from view, then closed them, aware of the woods that were on each side of the road. He tried to picture the way in his head. Now and then he felt Kristina’s hand touching his shoulder from the back seat. Simon reduced the speed, and turned. They were now on a small track. He opened his eyes and saw it.The ocean.

It came closer and closer. The open landscape, the green grass that always appeared first. Simon drove the car as far as he could get to the beach. He parked the car with the front towards the ocean which was amazingly green today. He recognized the large stones with the brown-rust colour in surface of the sea. The white sand. And then ocean as far as the eye could see. This was life. It was an other missing links in his life. He could see the line of white foam where the waves broke the beach and then hit the stones. It was so beautiful. Simon made a move with his right hand and the motor stopped. It was quiet, they could only hear the wind moving the waves. He turned his eyes again towards the green ocean. There were no white clouds on the sky. The entire sky was coloured dark purple in the horizon and the heaven above him was navy blue. A bunch of seagulls took off and flew everywhere. Aleksander turned his head. A lighthouse appeared in the distance. He had pictured this in his head for such a long time. He was amazed by the possibility of being here again.

”Here”. Kristina gave his shoulder a small push. He saw a black shadow coming over to his seat, it landed in his lap. A black something, and a strap was connected to it. Kristina bent over and turned down the window. He looked at it again. It was a camera. It looked familiar.
”I’ve checked the batteries. It’s working. You can take pictures, Aleksander." He kept looking at it. The hand grip on the front of the camera was made of finely textured plastic. It had a rubberized thumb grip. He knew this one. It was his first affordable digital camera. Where did that come from? He was so tired, how could he possible photograph, now? Kristina got out of the car. She opened the door where Aleksander sat. He looked lost. She bent down, took of the lence lock, turned it on, and made sure it was on auto focus. She hung the camera around his neck. Then she locked the door and said to him through the open window.
”Now is your time. You are going to shoot now Alex.” She stood there, waiting. She waited until she saw him take the camera in his hands the camera is his hands, hold it up to his right eye, and his finger pressed the shutter release. Then she heard teh click sound of the first picture. His hands very shaking. He let the camera rest on the window frame, he bowed down and focused. She saw him closing his left eye, and holding his right eye close to the opening. His nose was touching the screen. At this moment Kristina turned and glanced at the ocean. Simon came up and they stood in silence listening to the beautiful sounds of a camera shooting. He was back.

Moments of solitude. I am not sure if I will ever like the moments of solitude. I don’t think I can get used to them. But it’s not a question of choice. The choice is limited. I don’t have much choise and still it IS my choise! Words are fascinating. Life too. I am responsible for my own actions no matter how life is. I must admit I very often wish it was better. Since I was taught not to use bad language, my strongest expression in English would be oh what the heck! But I do know how to swear in Serbian but it hasn’t the same effect to say ‘prokleta vrata’or ‘mrzim ovo!’for a Norwegian. How does one escape from life?
My list of people I miss is long. I miss my brothers and sisters, my old folks, my niece and nephews. I miss the people I once knew before I got ill. Where did they go?
Today I am dancing on snowflakes and have a feeling of gratitude. Somehow small moments manage to pass through my stubborn mind and I can let go of yesterday’s sorrow. I had a beautiful morning walk with my camera. I photographed what I value most in my everyday life; What I can see outdoors. I lifted my head to breathe in the fresh, clear air while I try to breathe life. Have you ever been dancing on snowflakes? What it takes is a friend who mails you pictures to view and a song to listen to. And when you are capable, a walk in God’s creation.

It was early morning or late night. He was half awake and half asleep. Kristina was still asleep next to him. Her body was shaped like a child’s. Her long dark hair covered most of her pale face. Her nose was visible. Some black hair covered her mouth. He studied her appearance. She was just a girl who came in for shelter, yet he didn’t know why. He had sheltered her, provided her a place to stay over the night. Aleksander fell back on his pillow, gazing the ceiling. His mind was quite clear. Yesterday he had spoken to Mirjana for the very first time in all these months. It was quite insane. Why had he waited for so long? What could she possibly think of him! Wasn’t there a limit for how long one could remain silent. He had waited too long, that he knew for sure. If it wasn’t for Kristina, he still wouldn’t have called her. One more autumn and one more winter would easily come and go. He had pictured her in his head for such a long time. Mused about the possibilities of ever seeing her again. She was his heart and his soul and he had acted like a jerk. How deep was it possible to fall? He was an owner of a weak and pathetic heart. Was he finally on his way to wake up, for real? His path had become clearer with each passing day. He closed his eyes, brought her back into his memory. He had been longing for her, wanted to hold her in his arms, be with her all the time. In his drems he saw them together, sitting near a tent, frying fish they had caught from the river, sitting on small white rocks eating it together. He wished he could touch her again. He dreamed of becoming one with her.

The next time he opened his eyes, Kristina was not there. He heard someone talking. He sat in bed for a while,with his legs crossed and with his head buried in his hands. He was still in his jeans from yesterday. They were not straight anymore, but he didn’t care. He had not worn a pair of jeans for months. The thought of how he had been missing his jeans became bizarre. Once again he felt the pain remembering his loss of life and his enormous strong wish for finding back to future life. It had to be somewhere. Where should he start? The road was long. With many barriers. It would lead him to who – knows - where. He needed to regain his strengt. But first of all he had to find Kristina.

It smelled of coffe. He followed the smell. Kristina stood leaning against the window, he could only see her in profile. He heard her speaking in her mother tongue and only recognized a few words Mirjana had taught him the first time they spent together. They had played with her words.
Kristina turned. In her hand was a mug, which she held out to him. Aleksander walked over to her and took it. They stood motionless.

”You called her?”
“yes,” he said. “I did.”
“I knew you would.”
“ How?”
”I expected you to.” She made a pause and said; “ How did it go?”
“ Not so good. She jelled at me. But the worse is that.. I made her cry.
When he said that something broke inside him. Kristina noticed. His chest made a move, some tension left him, it was a silent moan, a burden fell off his shoulders. The rememberance of Mirjana crying filled him with longings, but this time they did not hurt. It was a loss without burdens. He had been in debt to Mirjana. His life account had been on zero. Thinking of this, the small puzzle fitted together. He had asked for forgiveness. The truth had finally set him free. She might never become his again, but he could live with that. He was finally free. He realized this Saturday morning standing by the kitchen window together with Kristina Kovačević. Viewing his young friend he recited with great strength:

“My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
But if my spirit is lost
how will I find what is near?

Somehow I’ll find my way home. Just hold my hand and we’re there”. *






*Jon Anderson; I’ll find my way home