Life in the Dark

After rereading this whole thing, all I can say is "What a depressing load of tripe." and yet I haven't updated it because nothing has changed, if anything it's worse, I don't even have the inclination to try and get some of this stuff out of my mind, I've just let it envelop me me like a miasma of hate, anger and hopelessness.
Public mask of happiness and normalcy: The barest minimum needed to function in society, it's like scraping a small layer of crud off the window so people can see enough to think that what they see is normal. It's not that hard really, let's face it, most of us don't want to look too hard anyway.

That brings up an interesting (to me anyway) point, I think I've had a fairly good talent at seeing some of what's hidden (or perhaps just the (annoying) ability to see several sides to a position) in people's words and actions. I also had the misguided opinion that I could help some of these people (yes I know, to attempt is better than doing nothing), all well and good until you can't do it anymore. When you are faced with someone's problem or emotional outpouring and your brain just freezes, hell it doesn't freeze, it runs like fuck in the other direction, or worse still, you blurt out something that implies you can and will help and then you run for the hills. Yeah, that's a disgustingly shitty thing to do, if it's any consolation all these fuck ups are following me around wherever I go so I can't forget the people I left behind. Now I just try to not get involved. That leaves me more isolated, but it's better for those I might end up abandoning in the future (See post about Martyrs Disease).

Well that was more than I intended to write so that's a plus right?

Intense hatred for all things.

Which way lies peace?

The wheels have been set in motion.

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Something came up today that made me think about why I finally got help for my depression.
I guess what finally got me to get help (it took a long time, but none of us really knew what was going on) was the fact that I knew these thoughts were not me, not the way I would normaly think, not the way I wanted to think. I was hating myself so much that I couldn't function, neither at home nor work. In fact I ended up quitting my job
I was having suicidal thoughts, that was the kicker for me, I detested the thought of suicide and knew it, yet here I was not caring whether I lived or died. Despite the fact that I had a family I loved, a family that would be so hurt if I was to go, the thoughts were still there. What the hell was wrong with me?
The penny dropped I guess, there was something wrong with me, I didn't want to be this way, I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way, there really was something wrong, something I had no control over. Still, it will probably go away eventually, ha, I'd been telling myself that for at least a year.

I conceded defeat and asked my wife how she thought I was, she just cried. Perhaps I should see the doc I asked her. She made the phone call straight away, I probably wouldn't have done it, sometimes we need a push, put our trust in the ones we love. I saw the doc and explained how I was feeling, what I was thinking.
Smartest thing I've ever done.

Tonight I wrote, not a lot and nothing extroardinary, but not too bad either, it's not the first time this has happened, but tonight seemed to solidify a theory that's been floating around in my mind for a while.

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which is a lovely thought, but not really something I can grasp right now, I think basically I am a giver.

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do you go when there is nowhere to go?

That was close.

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Apparently the little to no effexor have caused a leaky seal and things are seeping in from outside my bubble, I do not like this Sam I am.
Or.
Closer to home.
Not happy Jan.

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As usual I seem to pick my times, I finally went (was pushed) to see the doc, now we have a change of meds
and at some point some visits to a psychologist.
These are things that I know need to be done.

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I've often felt out of synch or out of phase with the world.

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you've got nothing nice to say

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I don't believe in wishing, it's futile and frustrating, but if I did...

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Seems to have been confirmed.

Probably, maybe, most likely, or so it seems.

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There are so many things that are "annoying" in life, but this is about me and my "life", so tough.

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Today is Father's Day, I hate today.

is highly overrated.

The site I visit everyday appears to be down for me, although I can access it through my mobile I'm not really that desperate, unfortunately the quality of the site has dropped at an alarming rate (or my perception of it has, that's quite possible).
Most of the people I have become friends with I can contact through other means, but it is sad to lose a communal meeting place.

This technique can help you to take your mind off your thoughts, and it also makes you aware of things in your environment which can help your body to calm down and make you realise you are safe.

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Stuffed up badly with my meds, two nights without them so far, if they're not ready tomorrow then I'll have to wait until my doc gets back or try and convince another one to write the script.

I was going to write some drivel about how down I have been the last few days, all due to an emotional reaction I had over something that actually has very little to do with me. In fact it should have been something that made me happy so I guess maybe it's more to do with ego than anything else.

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Well I guess that's depression - 1 : Q - 0.

On the upside I've started to add some photos to my album, admittedly some of them are a bit "strange", I do have varied tastes when it comes to art but these ones seemed to really grab me lately, a product of a depressed mind I suspect.

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Just a few thoughts.

...it just seems to go on without end at times and then for a while the clouds clear, I often wonder why we are so surprised when the darkness returns, it happens with such regularity you think we would be used to it, but we never are.
Why?

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Just what it says, this will be my ramblings, rants and bits and pieces.
Some of it will be items I have written elsewhere, back in a time when inspiration and aspiration had a greater hold over me.

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