Life in the Dark

Past History: 21/10/2007
I often struggle with explaining how this disease makes me feel, but yesterday I came across something that might make it easier for others to understand some of what people with depression go through.

Yesterday was Show Day in one of the towns nearby, we all went, even though I really didn't feel like it.
Anyway, to get to the point before my interest in posting fades, I went on the dodgem cars with my five year old, it was great fun, we laughed, ran into my oldest son (literally:D), I felt really good and I was having a blast.
The ride ended, and we left the track, 30 seconds later all that was gone, I might as well have never gone on the ride for all the good it did me, ( yes I knew there was a possibility this would happen, I did it for my kids ) no matter how hard I try I can't bring back those feelings once they are gone.

It gets tiring knowing that most happy thoughts are going to fade away within minutes at best, I can remember the events themselves but my mind does not remember the feelings that came with those events.

It's not a choice we make to be sad, it doesn't mean we don't make ourselves do things that we know will bring us very little joy, and that the memory of these things will actually increase our depression because there are little to no positive feelings associated with the memories.

So why bother?
For me the reasons are twofold, one selfish and one altruistic.
There are so many times that my kids come to me asking me to do stuff with them and there are so many times that I let them down because I cannot motivate myself to participate.
There are fortunately some times when I can make myself get involved, and hopefully, as far as my kids are concerned, we are having a great time.

These occasions at least partly assuage the guilt I feel for saying no too many times. (The selfish bit.)
I know that my kids will carry fond memories of these times, especially if I am particularly adept at hiding my thoughts. (The altruistic bit.)