There's no one to trust...

I need to express something, and that's why I'm writing this, but I don't really know what I can do about it. Or what it is I need to express. So I'm going to write, and if something comes out, I figure I'll probably realize it's what needs to come out. So, come and be my team and we'll figure this out together.

People can be really cruel to each other. I'm guilty of it, and so is everyone else. You can't honestly say that never, at any time in your life have you been meaner than necessary. It's just really not possible. We get this petty urge to one-up someone else and then we're in this situation where maybe we should stop - maybe we've made our point, but then we keep going because maybe we haven't made our point yet. And before we know it, we've gone too far. We've crossed some invisible line that we can't uncross. And then comes the guilt. We didn't mean to really hurt the other person, we just wanted them to nod their heads and say, "Yeah, I guess you're right." But instead, we hit an unforgivable point and we push the wrong button, and someone gets really hurt. And by really hurt, I'm talking major blow to their self-esteem.

And sometimes, I'm a cold and angry person and think that it's good to knock someone's self-esteem down a few notches. Until you realize that most people with "high self-esteem" are actually really weak and fragile and they're trying to make themselves feel better by pushing other people's buttons. I hate it when I come to such realizations. Some people are quite frightened of confrontation. I enjoy it. But I will back down or let things go if the person I'm confronting is being hurt. I wish people would do the same for me.

But, regardless of such things, I feel a need to keep talking. Which means that the cruelty of the human race is not what I was trying to talk about. It's just something that came out.

I've been really needy lately and really sensitive. I get this way every time summer fades into fall. Which is weird, because I friggin love fall. Maybe it's because I have such icky sinus issues. I don't know.

I have a mom. Duh. And a step-dad named Hank. Now, Hank has two daughters - one older than me and one either just older than or just younger than me. I can't ever remember. Anyway, we were adults when they married, and so it's not like we know each other very well - none of us live with each other, none of us hang out outside of hangin with my mom and Hank. Hank loves his daughters as fathers are wont to do, and so it's no big surprise that while he's never been anything but kind and caring toward me and my family, his girls get a bit of extra-special attention. I'm not hurt by that. Since being with Hank, my mom's realized that she actually likes me, and so she's been focusing on giving me and mine some extra attention. Go mom.

Now, long story short, Hank and his girls haven't been a part of my family all that long. But we all get along pretty well. And my family is very big on certain things - one of which is gift-giving. We give presents for everything - Valentine's Day, St Patrick's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, Halloween, Christmas, and birthdays. And when I say presents, I mean, we all give each other gifts. That means that on Valentine's day, I don't just buy gifts for my husband, I also buy them for my kids, my mom, Hank, my gramma, my aunt, my great-grandparents, etc. Same thing for Easter (which is like a whole nother Christmas when it comes to presents) and all the other holidays. It's pretty wild.

But it's not that my family likes to GET things. Don't get me wrong. We like to GIVE things. We're all constantly buying things for each other and saying, "I saw this and thought you might like it. Try it out!" It's just what we do. And when it comes to money, we don't stress it, either. We (obviously) pay our bills and everything, but we're more than willing to give up something we want to get something that someone else wants. It's just how we do. We're close-knit and very adamant about the fact that we have to stick together because we're all so damn crazy that people don't hang around for long. Now that doesn't mean that we're all happy-go-lucky all the time. We're not. Far from it. We get in vicious fights and hurt one another's feelings not because we want to, but because (going up to the cruelty thing) sometimes we don't see those lines that we're crossing. But in the end, we have to let stuff go (at least until we're angry again).

Well, Christmas is (of course) our biggest time of gift-giving. We all love it. We spend all year finding things that we think will make people happy and we work hard to make sure that we can get them. We're the sort of family who, if you don't have much money, you just get something in your budget that you think they other person would like and we'll be pleased. Or, technically, most of us in the family are the sort who, if we know money's tight, we put presents on layaway in January and hope we can pay it off by December. We love giving gifts.

Hank's daughters don't want to trade this year.

This means that we can't get them anything without seeming like asses. Now, I would be perfectly happy giving them something and having them say thank you. Or, "I really like this." Or, "That's really neat!" Or any number of weird things that people say when they get gifts. I don't want anything in return. Just a little something for people I care about - that's what I see gifts as. Instead, it's like we have to pretend that Christmas doesn't exist around them. And that makes me angry. To no end.

BECAUSE. If there's one thing my mother loves, it's buying Christmas presents. She's friggin insane about it. Seriously. And if there's one thing I love (but rarely admit), it's my mom's happiness. And for these two people to darken a holiday that my mother wishes came every day is... well, it's wrong. And I don't like it. As a matter of fact, I hate it. And I'm upset about it. Because my mother wouldn't care in the slightest if no one gave her anything for Christmas. Instead, she wants to give all of her family everything they could ever dream of. And now, she can't for two people. And that makes me livid.

Hank's livid, too. But ugh. It's just awful.

And, well, that's about as far as I can go today. Maybe I got it out. Maybe I'll be back later to try again.

So I'm role playing again. We weren't for quite some time, but it seemed like it was time to start doing so. As some of you may remember, I was playing with Janet, Jimmy, Loren, and Kevin as our ST. Well, Kevin's storytelling again, but this time we're playing with Andy, Wes, myself, and Janet. Now, I'll give you a bit of a run down so far so you can get what I'm saying.

We met Wes online. He's a nice enough guy, and seems to really be in to playing his character well. I like him as a person. Then, we have Andy, a veteran player who does extremely well with cool (if not a touch offbeat) characters. Then, we have me. I've only played a few times, but I suppose I do okay. I was a little overpowering with the bitchiness and really need to back off with it, because otherwise, I'm gonna screw myself over. And then we have Janet, who wants to play a powerhouse ALWAYS, and I don't have a problem with it, but her character's really over the top and not necessarily a well put together character.

And you know, whatever.

But Andy now wants Janet out of the game. And I don't like that. My reason why? It scares me. If the least competent role player gets "voted off the island," then what happens when Janet's gone and I'M the least competent? SCARES ME!!!!

Plus, I like Janet as a person, despite the fact that her characters always kinda suck.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. It bothers me and hurts me.

Ugh.

Too bad I love Sylar.

And I DO often get involved in a lot of shenanigans.

My bestest friend ever, G, sent me this today on my myspace.

So I now know that my life is nothingness.

I've been refreshing the Virginia Lottery page for the last 15 minutes to find out what's been drawn. Seriously.

I feel like a total idiot.

I just totally beat two solitaire games in a row without having to re-deal. AT ALL. I'm totally kicking ass this morning. My husband and son are playing Lego Star Wars on the Game Cube. The original trilogy, not the dumb-ass new pieces of crap Lucas is pretending are Star Wars movies. They're hilarious to listen to. Seriously hilarious.

I've been working on my school work, and I have to say I'm a really crappy artist. But I'm going to start a deviantart page to keep all my stuff on. So that's where I am now.

So I'm totally a jerk. In an, "I'm totally awesome" kind of way.

Long story short, I've been looking into an Interior Design BS. Unfortunately, the only way I can do it is if I go to school online which (duh) is much more expensive than going to the local community college like I am now. So I talk to Hubby about it. Do big, sad, green puppy dog eyes at him. To no avail. "I can't support you in a degree like that emotionally or monetarily. I just can't it's a useless degree, honey."

Now the long story turns long again.

So I get upset, and a bit crushed, and really just unhappy about the situation. Because I can't find work as an Interior Designer in a huge friggin amalgamation of 7 cities like I live in, right? NO WHERE would be looking for that sort of job. And I TOTALLY can't work on my own out of my house, right? Anyway, beside the point. He's being dumb.

So tonight, a not-so local furniture store (that has "Going out of Business" commercials every week) had a new commercial on the tv. And I almost flipped the channel after making my witty retort, "Don't worry [furniture store], I'll come to your going out of business sale NEXT week." But, since no one was home to hear my witty retort and I didn't want to miss a second of the George Lopez Show, even though it's terrible, I didn't. And THANK GOD I DIDN'T.

This commercial wasn't selling furniture. It was BUYING PEOPLE. Seriously. They were like, "[Our] Furniture Company (I love how they call themselves a company, like they produce goods) is holding open interviews for experienced sales personnel and interior design professionals (AKA - people with Interior Design degrees). Starting salaries of $50,000 , full benefits, 401Ks included, with a chance of making up to $150,000 within 5 years."

So, I wrote my husband a note. It said, "Honey, there's a sub in the fridge for you (that's another, less entertaining story about buying my husband a $5 footlong today and forgetting to tell him before he went to work on his night shift). I love you. Oh yeah! [Furniture Store] is holding open interviews this Wednesday. For Interior Designers. Can you believe that I would only be eligible to make $50,000 starting salary? Oh my gosh! You're right. That IS a totally useless degree."

And I felt vindicated.

Okay guys, look. I've been in a bit of a moral slump lately. Not like, doing immoral things, but I've been wondering how the world is going to continue to function as morals decline.

Well, at Walmart today, I found out.

I was shopping for my gramma today, and she had given my a $100 bill that I had idiotically stuck in my back pocket instead of in my purse. I got about half-way through the store before I realized that the bill was gone. I wandered through the store for almost an hour before I had basically given up and was heading over to the ATM to pull out $100 from my account to buy my gramma's groceries and give her change for them.

Then, I saw a man. A small-ish, balding man, who obviously worked at Walmart. And I needed to talk to him. I wasn't sure why, but I did. And so I stopped and had a little out loud talk with the man upstairs, who I've been sort of neglecting lately.

And I said, "OKay God, look. You and I both know that if I found $100 on the ground at the Walmart, there's no way I could keep it in good faith. I would have to turn it in and hope the person came back for it. Please let someone have done the same for me."

And I walked up to the man and saw that he was the store manager, and I asked him about the money with tears in my eyes because, well, duh. When you ask about money, you know the answer's gonna be "no." He eyed me, and smiled grimly and said, "You're asking for a lot today, aren't you?" And I nodded, not trusting myself to talk, since my voice had just cracked when simply asking the question. So he got on his little talky thing, and asked. Then he glanced at me and replied, "Where is it?" After he got a response, he said, "Bring it to me at register 19, please."

I got my money back. A customer had found it almost as soon as I dropped it from the sound of it and had turned it in up at customer service. The lady who brought it to me smiled and said, "It reaffirms your faith in humanity, doesn't it?" And I grinned and nodded.

Because it did.

Last night, we heard gunshots. Boom..Boom...Boom.Boom. There was a car stopped a bit down the road and it drove off after we heard them. Disturbing? I'd like to think so.

WHY do people need to shoot stuff? And if they weren't shooting at something, or someone, why do people need to shoot at all? It's so undignified.

I hate it.

I hope we move soon.


EDIT: 9/3/08 - The longer I think about this, the more I think it was actually someone trying to shut their trunk. I'm so lame.

I don't normally do this, but I think this is a touching song, and I hope the lyrics mean a little something to you. They certainly do to me in a world like this.

"You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason
We should dream that the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
Cause there's always some crazy with an army or a knife
To wake you from your daydream, put the fear back in your life...

Look, if someone wants a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero comes too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...

Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked the stone
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in the darkness love can show the way

So now the stage is set. Feel your own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet.
So we get up on our feet and do our best. We play against the
Fear. We play against the reasons not to try
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes
For it's


Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked the stone
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in the darkness love can show the way."

Thanks, David Wilcox. I appreciate it.

I get so infuriated when people immediately start campaigning against something without being willing to give it a chance, such as Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy.

I read them. I devoured them. God bless them.

Yes. Philip Pullman is an atheist who claims his books are anti-Christianity and anti-God.

Now, everyone. Let's decide that the authors intentions and what comes across are the same thing because OH YEAH. That happens ALL THE TIME.

Yes, the books deal with Original Sin and knowledge.

And yes, there is a scene of the "death of god." But notice that I use a little "g" there. Because he is not the TRUE creator of the Universe. He is an impostor, and this is mentioned IN THE BOOKS.

By the way, if a child's views of God are so weak that ONE THING will destroy their belief, then that child is not a true believer in God.

Anyway, it's a wonderful story of faith, hope, the weaknesses of earthly churches, and the need for knowledge and love.

By the way, yes. The church is EVIL in the books - but let's not forget the inquisition of our own world, and the hatred churches can instill in everyday folk, turning them into mindless weapons of hatred and fear and turning them away from the loving touch of both God and Jesus Christ, okay guys?