Owlwood

In this Top 10 list for the Second Round of the Opera Internship Competition, i am going to teach you the Top 10 ways to become the manliest man anyman could possibly be. HELL YEAH!



#10
Choose the appropriate nutrition. Anything that can't fight back, for example vegetables or fruit, should not be part of your diet. Same goes for any animal that can't flee from you. The most manly thing to eat would be Calamari, Giant Kraken to be precise. These horrid monsters of the deep are hard to catch and could crush you with a single tentacle and are extraordinarily nutritious! Yummy!


#09
Don't dance. Don't. Ever. Leave that for the ladies and ladyboys. The only „dance“ you are allowed to perform is a Haka, the Maoris' traditional war dance.


#08
In order to appear manly, you urgently need to sound manly. Therefore, you should make an effort to tune down your voice as much as possible. The easiest way to accomplish this is starting to smoke heavily and drink fluids such as Scotch or Battery-Acid.

#07
Avoid decorating the wooden shed, cave or even castle you live in with girly accessories. Keep it simple and tasteful. German Oak should be your wood of choice. Throw out your four-post bed with the silk sky and start sleeping on a stone plate. That'll be good for your back.

#06
Keep a pet. It will demonstrate your bonds with nature, but still, close attention needs to be paid when choosing it's species. I highly recommend these: A male, adult Orang-Utan (these apes can tear your arms out!) or a Grizzly. If you are rather into fish, get a shark, if you like birds, get a harpy.


#05
Just because you smell like a caveman doesn't mean you need to have the same degree of education. But careful – you do not want to be caught with Pride and Prejudice or Romeo and Juliet. As far as fiction goes, read books like „Moby Dick“, but overall, stick to factional books, such as „How to build a house for Dummies“, „How to pimp my Monster Truck for Dummies“ or „How to strangle another man to death with my bare hands for Dummies“.

#04
Listen to a certain type of music. Avoid anything that was produced with computers and prefer musicians that wear beards and play tuned down guitars. Recommendations are: Clutch, Electric Wizard, High on Fire, early Mastodon, Slayer, etc., all of this played as loud as technically possible.


#03
Make everything a contest, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Waiting at the traffic light with another car next to you? Race it! Someone eats a lot? Eat more than him. Another guy stands on one leg? Hover!

#02
Choose a manly profession. Quit your job as a wedding planer, a manicurist or a „fashion designer“, whatever the hell that is, and become a lumberjack. Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The...ah, watch for yourself:




#01
Just look like this:

Yes, that's me...*cough*...[/ALIGN]

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That's my entry for the second round of the competition. Please fave it, i'd really appreciate that. Also, good luck to my fellow contestants.

Do i really have to explain this one? You should know these characters! Well, alright.

IE → Cletus → Doesn't know shit, slow in the head, hillbilly
Dr. John Frink Senior → Firefox → Strong, but stitched together, cruel
Hank Scorpio → Opera → powerful, yet friendly; technologically advanced, FUCKING AWESOME
John Popovich → Safari → Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Guy Incognito → Chrome → Spies; looks like a goofy version of something you know
Hugo → Epiphany → looks familiar, but lacks the features. hides in attics and eats fishheads.

I don't know why you would care about political parties of a foreign country, but here is a very very brief guide to who we in Germany get to choose in september to fuck us up.

These are in parliament right now:

CDU/CSU
Right conservative, sort of like the American Republicans. Has a Bavarian, even more conservative cousin. Currently into nuclear powerplants, lying about tax-raises, censoring the internet and forbidding videogames, establishing a police state, investing into the military and helping out failed companies with shitloads of money.

SPD
Originally a rather left workers party, it turned towards the political center. Deeply in a crisis, with polls showing them at about 20% approval rating. Used to be as popular as the CDU. No realistic content and strong positions identifiable. Wants to force 4M more jobs, but no idea how. Wants to raise the taxes only for the wealthy.

FDP
The rich peoples party. Defends employers over employees. Willing to go into coalition with the CDU. Want privatisation of health-care.

Green Party
As the name says, they used to focus only on ecological issues, which is still their core-topic. Leans towards the SPD in terms of sociological and economical topics, like minimum-wages and higher taxes for the wealthy.

Left Party
Started as a spin-off of the SPD, but way more left than them. It's quite simple: They speak out loud what most people wish, but have no idea, how to realize it, e.g. how to finance a general minimum wage. Gets bad media all the time for being populists.


These aren't in parliament, but are often in the media:

NPD
Nazis party. Fascists. Right Extremists. I can't tell why they aren't forbidden by now, they should be though.

Pirate Party
The Internets Green Party. Focuses only on redefining the copyright, protecting the web from censorship and such.

This is very brief and inaccurate, but it should be enough to get an impression of why most people don't know what to vote - because most options SUCK.