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Posts tagged with "hate"

I don't know

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I have been been becoming depressed at work for a while now. I have been feeling like I sold my soul for a good paying job, and now I think the demons are showing up to take their pay. The last few weeks have been really rough, and yesterday I really started to fall apart. I don't know what I can do, and I mean that in the immediate sense of my skills and capabilities, as well as in a bigger sense like what options are available to me and how I need to carry any of them out if possible to end up in a better place.

Maybe I can keep this post short but my emotions are getting really worn out, and I don't know how much joy I can find at work if theres any left to be had. I really work really physically hard at work in dangerous environments, and I always do my best, so when I can't do something well that others can do easily, I feel very inadequate and small. I also think that superiors may get the impression of laziness or poor determination, but it's never the case. I feel like the more I try to climb out of this hole, the more mud I'm pulling off the walls around me, like it's just getting worse.

I think my spirit is breaking as I grow older too. Before you tell me I'm not old, realize I never said I was old, I know I'm not. I said I'm getting older. I don't feel good.

F You See Kay

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Just need to get my fuck offs. Hostile language ensues...

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Moving

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I just signed a lease for an apartment. I will start moving into the place on January 16th, and my internet usage willd drop dramatically for a while, maybee about a month. I could have waited for longer, but I got a good deal by signing now, and also life here in this current house is a disaster. Ever since my parents other child moved back in, everyone hates each other again. Fighting all the time for stupid shit, and people blaming each other for things that arent even wrong - everyone needs to just yell at each other when hes around.

On the other hand, Łife is on the way, so I have that to look forward to smile

Anger

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I am pissed. Infuriated. I am so fucking angry. I want to destroy everything around me so bad right now. My stress levels are so high. I am seriously shaking I want to hit, break throw, smash everything around me. Its crazy, the smallest little, insignifcant things are setting me off. I feel like I am going to rip out of my own body its so bad. Does anyone else know what it feels like to want to rip anything apart you can grab? even if its your own arms? Its so fucking intense. DAMNIT! I really hope i don't meet any jerks today. we might both regret it afterwards.

Damn

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people
work
american civilization

these are just a few things i hate.

I hate "living" here. i hate working here. i hate having everyone but me be the deciding factor in the future of my life. its up to everyone but me. i have no say so. at any moment my father, whom i was named after can do something shitty and fuck up my credit. The people that work these companies wouldn't change it if it were to happen. Everyone at work decides for me where and what i make, if it suits them better, reguardless of my preformance they can spin-it any way they please so that it fits with themselves and i would have no choice but to sucumb to their wants. Asking my boss if its okay to see the person i love pisses me off, whats more shitty is that IF i get an ok, it can only last 2 weeks at most during 6 month intervals. Loans for schools that teach you nothing besides "school is a waste of money", grow faster than you are to pay them off due to interest, and paying by check comes with a paper fee, but by phone you get a teller fee, and going online demands a convinience fee.

will human beings ever reverse back to simplicity? or will we continue to spin webs around ourselves and others so that we all suffocate together and die on eachother?

Like Totally

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Oh my like god! have you like ever heard like people actually like talk like this? in like person? it like totally drives you like crazy right?

I WANTED SOMEONE TO MURDER THESE GIRLS! Holy hell, I can't believe how piercing their speech was to my mind, as well as the things they spoke about. I have heard this type of talk before, but it has NEVER been this intense, i was FORCED to leave the coffee shop because the what and way they spoke was installing itself into the book I was reading (Alienist), and made it impossible to read without reading the word "like" in between every other word! the three approximately 16yr old girls were able to cease me in my reading, in my calm thinking, and breathing - and force me to become aggitated, angry, desperate for a bucket of grenades and a pardon from god for the up-and-coming events that had quickly unfolded in my mind, only to leave the shop in disgust - simply by speaking to eachother!

Oh and the things 16 year old girls talk so loudly about these days! and pride themselves about! At the same time what they discussed drove me furious at the status of human condition, I also found a sort of sadistic pleasure in knowing that what they spoke so proudly about will (possibly if their minds mature further) someday be something they will forever regret and never be able to take back - my saving grace for having to put up with such un-intelligence:
"and the things after prom were like oh yeah i like it there, and like oh no it like doesnt feel good there, you know, i like don't like those like, 'slow-moving' boys, who like wait to long, you know? i like those like skater boys who like don't match, liek the stupid preppy boys look like, too matchy you know? i like the fast boys, and like we were all like playing guitar hero, and like mark like wanted me to be like his partner so i was like 'ok cool whatever, i don't like care' so like were were playing, and like we beat the song and like, it was someone elses turn and like chad and robert, were both like fighting who could like use me as their partner you know? and like chad was like hey, my brother is out getting beers, wanna like go out with him? and like i was all 'uh no, i don't' and like then like mark like tried to like move the chair i was in to him and like lift me up but like the handles broke and i was like OH MY GOD, WHAT like DID YOU DO, and like then like chad like kissed me and i like was all like uh whatever, and we were all like stoned and like it was like when we were at my house after prom and like all wasted and stuff you know? like..." **

I wanted to LIKE kick some LIKE teeth into some slutty, rich, stupid, snobby, prissy, stoner, binge-drinking, teenager skulls!

I NEVER get this upset, and as I said before I was finally able to find solice that IF one day they grow any maturity and intelligence that they will look back at all the times they got drunk and had sex with the fast moving mix-matched skater boys who "totally like got a sweet new ambercrombie~~ sweatshirt"*** and regret something they can never take back - many many nights of lost innocence due to status among their peers as popular, given to the fact that more boys like this person than someone else, and that all the other females wer jealous of this treatment - a treatment that may actually secretly be internally refuting with their chosen lifestyle, but one they deny and hide, figuring that the others don't think this way. -- In this heartless realization of these people I have actually found solitude and was able to calm down. This could be a quality of myself that others find unattractive, something not honorable, but as a cynical FAIR individual who at the same time grew up WITH the "fast skater boys", I believe that we all had the choices, and that we made them. It is fair that I made decisions I don't regret in this area, and these people are making decisions that they may egret one day. Why is it comfortable to me that they feel bad later in life? possibly because they mocked those who did not fit the in-style ambercrombie dress code and lived as lavishly off of their parents expenses and stubbornly snobbish at those who were "out of their group" - but I think its more along the lines of "haha, when you finally admit to being wrong, if it's honest, you will KNOW that you were wrong for too long" - a simple defeat played out by the people themselves and no outside attackers (given that abuse has not been given to these people - if psychological trauma is a major player in the shaping of these lives then all feelings of revelation on my behalf will be null and replaced with pity)

Sorry, if this is offensive in the least to anyone for ANY reason, wheather it be because: You speak "like" this, wear ambercrombie, are a fast moving skater boy, regret living like this in your teen years and are now faced again with something that could benifit in your acceptance and lead into non-regretance and healthier psychological future - but you don't accept what i say as being possible, get stoned, get drunk, i tried to add as many "likes" into something you wanted to read but found rediculously difficult, thought that footnotes were a bit much, think wikipedia is too unofficial as an encyclopedia, wasting your time, tarnished the image of myself in your eyes thinking before that i was once greater than i was before this display of emotions at these actions or thoughts, spelling/grammer errors, run-on sentances, or anything else that can fit into a relative "etc..." category.

**This was just a very very condensed snap-shot of the things that were said and "like discussed" and are not word for word, but perfect idea-for-idea and instance-for-instance accounts of the discussion.

***Totally was like said at one point!

~~Referrs to cloathing store/brand "Ambercrombie & Fitch". Generally patrons of this store are known to dress exactly in tune with whatever the advertisers of said store consider "in style" and place on maniquinns (VERY rarely representing any other "race" class other than caucasion). This is a geberalization, but one that is rarely refutted. And usually only by Ambercrombie wearers.

Damn

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Well damn.

People, let me give you some awesome advice, don't take ANY loan out through Sallie Mae. I took one loan out for one year at school and today when I called in because bills weren't matching up right, it turns out that they had me on threoo other invisible secret loans! I didn't know about tem until today!

So the original 12,000 dollar loan I was paying turned into 10,000 as I was paying it off. One bill even came to tell me it was 8,000 dollars now! huzzah! but then the very next bill said it is 12,677. Ok, fine whatever this is weird I will make the call.

Well it turns out that with invisible loans that are waiting to start my toatl is now 18,688! FUCK, THAT! they have me set up on a 15 year pay-off plan... FUCK, THAT!

I am going to find out exactly what I owe them, take a loan from my bank... ONE loan, and set up the 4 year plan, that I plan to pay-off in 2 years. I told moje kochanie 2 years, and I need that to be met. My bank will auto pay themselves using my account, and I will toss them extra monies all the time. No More spending on anything now, My work is for one thing, I can't wait for her.

fuck

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what a bad fucking day...

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Small Message to Parents:

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Be Parents! - This is insane, all the time in this country we have parents blaming everything in the world for how their children behave, what their children do, and what things MADE them do what acts. It's insanity! does anyone remember that "Million Mom March" on Washington? That was one million moms NOT AT HOME with their children! And now I read This Story. I mean I like my Marios and Manhunts as much as the next person, but blaming your internet video games as reason why YOU didn't feed your own children!? What the hell!? I am outraged, this really gets me mad, children in this country have no parents. They also don't have any damned role models either, every freaking athlete in sports these days is getting charged from using steroids, and all of our actors are going to jail, or are in drug rehab clinics, and then we get Paris Hiltons! OMG! shes in the news all damn day, every damn day! THESE are the models our children have to look up to! - And NO they can't go play outside because there is virtually a law for every damn thing you could do outside, NO PLAYING ON GRASS! wtf!? should we play in the street? and if you and your buddies are just walking around, some parnoid ass is going to call the cops claiming you to be suspicious.

I'm sorry children, for the jacked up country we live in, the american dream of no responsibility that all of your parents are living.

Rip his jaw out and stab him in the face with his own fucking mandible + update

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