Captains' blog

Do any of you ever find yourself reviewing yourself? I find I do it constantly. It's sort of an automatic check-up on making sure that I am true to myself, that in no way I let myself wear hypocrytical shoes. Sometimes I find myself being hypocritical, and whenever this happens I so far have been succesful at remidying the situation.

I remember once in 7th grade some boys teasing some other boy, a boy I could have also teased and gotten away with being cool to the other boys, but something happened when I saw it. It wasn't a bad tease, they werent touching him or even saying hateful things just silly stupid 6th grade things. In my mind I specifically remember maturing in that moment, in every angle of this teasing situation I found nothing intelligent and only stupidity, that and it was mean to tease this other boy. I vowed I never would again, and I never have teased anyone less fortunate or for no reason at all. Everyonce in a while you meet that asshole who is just a shithead that after your encounter you mock or call a shithead or asshole in a blog post, but in situations like that it's justifiable - and if it's not justifiable to everyone it is to me - and thats where it matters in a self review.

I also remember some time further back in elementary school the day I matured enough to never toss trash on the ground. I was walking home from school, and I had a bag of smarties that i was getting into and eating. After the first pack of smarties I was about to throw the wrapper on the street, but in every angle of this littering situation I found nothing intelligent and only stupidity, so i pocketed the trash till i got home and disposed of it there. And never have I threw trash into grass, a lake, the air, or the street, or any place that was not a trash bin/recycle bin/toilet/etc.

These are the types of things that always pass through my mind when I judge something, or more importantly someone else. And we ALL judge other people. I happen to think I do a very good job at it by the way, it's something that almost feels like the "slightly above average human power" everyone has, everyone has a few - one of mine is the ability to chew icecream with my teeth no matter how cold and not feel it mess with the teeth nerves. But anyway, I do review myself when i make a judgement on someone else, to make sure that i understand why they are this way, and how i should legitimately progress further my interactions with this person.

Sometimes though I struggle with this, and decisions I know are not 100% legitimate for me to continue with, and thes eare what I call accepting my sins. While these are not necessarily "sins" in the traditional meaning, they do count as sins against oneself. For instance, Juggalos and Juggalettes, those that follow the clown-cult craptastic music of ICP (Insane Clown Posse). I live this is the worst music around and that everything revolving around this carnival is illegitimate and rediculous, and that the people in this group in some form or another are missing some sort of intelligence, not completely and not define-able, but somehow do not understand some sort of more advanced appreciation of life in some way. ... Now I myself thouroughly love the Beastie Boys. In this situation I toss around in my head the similarities and differences in what is legitimate about the revolvement (a word i think i just made up, a new one?) around the culture in which these "poster-bands" exist, and my involvement in it, and who the people in the group are, and all circulating and adjacent venues that are in relation to the subject. I know, in the way people knew the earth was flat, that I am more advanced in life appreciation and more legitimate in saying this than one of these juggalos. Make no mistake, this blog was not started with even ICP in mind, this was not provoked, it is just an illustration that is taking a few extra words to communicate to an acceptable level. But I do not follow a Beastie-Cult, I do not believe their even IS one, so strike one point towards the "poster-band" Beastie Boys, and take one from poster band ICP. The lifestyle revolving around the Beastie Boys is usually a happy one that does not strive towards violence, but fills more of recognizing the foibles of life and that being silly is just as legitimate if not more than being serious about life. --- To get back to where I don't feel 100% safe with this assesment is the fact that everytime I hear ICP in someones car, or see a ICP logo on a backpack, i instantly judge this person as a full thrown Juggalo/ette. - Actually now that I type this out, I guess I really don't. I do understand and can imagine how this persons friends are trying to get them into the music, or maybe somehow the person actually enjoys the music but nothing else around the lifestyle - in the same way I enjoy Slayer ( moderately though (; ). Sorry point taken back HAHA I guess I am better in my self-review than I thought.

Anyway I do know that I am not perfect, and that I have ironing out to do, but at the same time I recognize that I will never be, and if I chase this "goal" down i will waste what life I do have, so my advice to anyone who attempts to better improve themselves is:

sometimes its more constructive to accept some of your personal sins and be comfortable having them so you can move forward in your bettering of yourself. Juggalos/ettes are not people i will try to hang around - unfair of me, but I can now continue to make sure I am tackeling the issues of "could i justify killing someone in ANY way?". If your "sin" hurts noone, including yourself, why not let it be yours and not continue fighting it?

- enjoy finding the "you" you want to be.