Changing Woman's Blog

This is when I was very young, four years old to be precise. The other two siblings were much smaller. I was very sad because I thought I had no playmates. Siblings, of course were too small for me to play with. Even at such a tender age I knew I was the big baji and they were children, and children they will always be. My sister, who was blessed with the loudest vocal cord, was the most irritating baby. She would scream on top of her lungs every now and then. She had her needs, food, medicine and bathroom. My brother, who would sit on his own hand and start crying and would run without knowing when to stop to avoid a face on collision with the wall, was naive. They were children who would cry when they fell. Who would need to be picked up when they were scared!
Yes, true it is that I called my mother "MA" and that made her very happy until she found out there were several other things I referred to as MA indiscriminatingly. True it is also that I could only accept a father with hair on his head, if he had a haircut he was another man. I had always been nocturnal. Many nights Mama had to wake up with me. I had practiced religiously the wet the bed ritual and poor Mama had to clean me up all the time.
So one day, as Mama sat combing my hair and tying them into two braids with huge red ribbons at the end( a hairstyle I'll never let her experiment on me once I start going to school) and dressing me into a frock stitched by her, i said to her :"Mama why don't i have friends? Everyone has them"
She said: “You have your siblings. They are your friends!"
I said: "No they are babies! Babies are not friends!"
She said: “I am your friend too"
I said: “but you are too big to be a friend"
At that point mama got up and went out of the room.
Suddenly a girl of my height with my mother’s face appeared at the door..
She said:" Will you be my friend?"
my eyes lit up. I said "yes"
And that day onwards mama became my best friend. She was magical!
She had been my friend all throughout her life. She was my guiding star. She would talk to me for hours, listening to stories of Thumbelina for hundredth time with fresh enthusiasm that would make me feel intelligent! She had been there with me in the hardest moments of life such as the first day at school (poor she, had to become a teacher in the same school because I altogether refused to get educated without her!).
When I started going to the school, she was singing twinkle twinkle little star with me. She taught me alphabets and corrected the laterally inverted letter "E". She did the coloring in my drawing book when I was too busy to do my homework and she took off my boots when i slept with them still on. As I started growing up, she started switching off the lights, taking the glasses off a sleeping face, putting aside the books i slept on and bringing the milk I forgot to drink.

In university I was always out of money. I was also rebelling against rules all the time. I was angry most of the time. She gave me money, helped me break the rules that she could not explain and tried to calm me down. Sometimes I would rush to her with my baked potato face and watery eyes, just putting my head in her lap and letting her play with my hair would make things better.
Besides, a look at my face and she would know what’s wrong. If I were sick, and sick doesn't mean significantly sick, just slightly sick, she would make sure I don't leave my bed. The TV remote would be bestowed upon me and meals and medicine would be brought to the bed. Doctors were consulted, thermometer would be inserted in my mouth several times and she would sit by my side reciting Holy Quran. I have never been sick enough ever since her.

Five years ago, on July 17th 2006, I had an argument with Baba, I went to my room. Mama called me to her room.

I settled on the floor with my book. She was lying on the bed.
She said to me: "You fight with Baba all the time because you are so like him"
I said: "No. Baba fights. I don't. I am not like him."
She said: "So then are you like mama?"
I said: “she is too good. She never fights. I am not like her!"
She said: "then who are you like?"
I said: "MY SELF!"
She said: "You are Mama's favorite!"
I said: "No Awais is! I am no one's favorite!"
She said: “He is my favorite son!"
I said: “And what is Maryam."
She said: “She is my favorite child!”
I said: “And me?"
She said: “Mama’s best friend!"
During the whole conversation I changed my position several times. I don't remember when did I get up from \the floor and sat on mama's bed. She hugged me very tightly, A feeling that I still behold. Mama’s best friend! On July 19th 2006 Mama passed away. It is hard to believe that she is no more. I cannot imagine that. In some form she will always be there.