Unidad e Interioridad

One of my kids was crying today. I don’t know what it was… I suspect it was one of the things that hurts the most: “love failure”; whatever the type is. Lack of love really hurts, bad love really hurts, no love really hurts. I would like to write this for her, other kids I know are in the same case, and all those who may be in the same situation as I; once in my lifetime ,was.

I can tell I am fortunate enough to have someone by my side who really knows how to love and let himself be loved, but it was not always like that. I am almost 40 years old…March 14th will be my 40th B-day , and I have been married for one year and something. So that can tell you how long I was on my own. I know about being alone . I know about trying and not being able to find “what we expected” . I know how much it hurts when you give your best and don’t get the same back . I know what it is to think about someone, hours, days, nights, months and cry and cry for not being able to make it work.

I know about that thought of… “will I ever find someone?”…”is that really for me?… or I am just meant to be on my own” , “what have I done wrong ?” ..,”why can others get it so easily?”, “why should I struggle so much to find it?, “why me?...”God I wanted this one… what was wrong about it…?”, “I am getting older…”, “my chances are over… ”… any of those thoughts sounds familiar to you….?... I know one of them has crossed your mind… what about these ones: “ I will never find anyone….” , “I will always be alone…”, “I will never find someone like him…”.

Once I made peace with my life the way it was, and I did not have any of those torturing questions going on… then I had to struggle with the other’s questions: like “ so when are you going to marry?" . I developed very sarcastic answers :… “let me find a guy first…” or after “Julio… that in Spanish means July…and it is also the name of a person… then I would tell them… well Julio is a just born baby and I will marry after he does ”…, or I would tell them: “Do you really think that is the only option in life for everyone? ...Ooooooh don’t tell me you just married cause you were jut getting older?” …Some people even stupidly thought I would become a nun, or… I was gay . Making peace with your life means that you accept things as they are, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t want love in your life. I don’t think anyone makes such a choice…You can have any type of love… family, friendship, a professional passion. My love back then… was a combination of many little things: My kids (at school), my nieces and nephews, my brothers, sisters and parents, my friends, my books, my passion for languages and traveling. I was definitely full of love…Still I was… not… relieved from the pain caused by the times I tried and failed a relationship with someone. Those were scars I had on me like tattoos all over my skin. Every new failure would call all the previous ones assuring me I could not make it work.

Thanks to my mother who never put pressure on me to marry and always supported me in my studies:yes:, work and trips .I always kept the hope. I held to her words: “life has someone or something for you that no one will take away. What is yours nobody will take. You don’t have to worry. It will come in time, just do what you have to do in the meantime”, “God never fails, he will listen to your prayers, just careful to what you ask for you may get it!”. These words were my hope and my strength, together with the love I had from my kids, nieces, nephews…etc. I had great moments in class, I have had lots of fun with some particular groups… “not all of them I am afraid… but well life is like that… some are just brilliant, shiny, awesome kids that fill me with all their energy and hope”. Other times being with all my nieces and nephews… I mothered many of them… My eldest nieces were like my babies… I bath them and slept them. I spent a great part of my salary on them. I remember my niece “Carmelita” telling me while I was living at her house… “…aunt… do you want me to buy myself a candy or do you prefer to buy it for me?...”. She was about 3 years old, and she ask that because I always had some candy for her and her sister. I was traveling the city by bus and “pesera” (one type of popular transportation here in Mexico), and they always sell candy there. So I wanted to help the seller and please my nieces. It was a personal habit to buy candy to the street sellers for my nieces. Of course my answer to Carmelita’s question was: “ I prefer to buy it for you… for sure!!!!!!!”. Estelita was coming to me before going to the kindergarten to get her hair done and when I asked her how she wanted it. She would reply: “just casual please”, Carmelita wanted “fashionable”. Those moments and many others with them or any of my other nephews and nieces…their hugs, their smiles, their worries… “wasn’t I full of love?”…Then all my friends… some of them that were insisting on building a relationship with me telling me that I was just perfect for them… but you know you cannot screw up with your friends and take the chance of losing one good friend. Every one of my trips filled me with lots of energy, new patterns for my own life, different ways of living, being and thinking that enriched my views. My lovely and faithful books were some of my best company wherever I was. All that was pure love and was truly feeling offended when a stupid married guy pretended to approach me thinking that I was desperate to get a guy. Come on!!!!!!!! That was grotesque…offensive … and… completely out of place…, but believe me… very common while I was working in different companies teaching to top executives. I also developed some particular answers for them like: “ shall we call your wife to see what she thinks about that?”, “ you said you just had a baby that LOVE SO MUCH…that doesn’t seem to match with your behavior now”, “does your wife wanna come out with us too?”, or…”which part of “no” is that you don’t understand?”, “ have you looked at me carefully ,and seen yourself in the mirror?” ( I now this was way too rude… ,but pretty well deserved), “ what exactly do you say to have; attractive enough, to offer to someone like me?”, “can you just repeat what you said out loud and hear it to realize how stupid it sounds?”…uuuuuuuups!!! well I became a little aggressive .

How did all that suddenly changed and turned my life into… “the normal pattern everybody expects” . It is a long story that no one of you would believe… just can tell you for now that I met my husband through e-mail… and that we took a 7 year relationship before getting married. I can tell that it has been very difficult all these years . I can tell that it has been a lot of work and struggle on both sides . I can tell to all those who tell me “you are soo lucky¡”. “ I have worked so much to get what I have starting by… believing that I could find “REAL LOVE”.

I believed that my heart would tell me when it was the “REAL” one , every other attempt was just getting me closer to him. Every time I failed I just though to myself: “ this will also be over once , and it doesn’t matter how many times I fail for love I’ll just win ONCE and then I can tell I made it!... I don’t need to win them all . I refused to hook up with jerks , and put up with shit:no:, I did not let the society put pressure on me because of the age , because of the standards and “what must be done”. I gave myself time to reflect:wait: , to learn , to let my soul grow , to get stronger , to do as many things as I wanted to do before getting married and here I am living my dream… with all its ups and downs. There is no such as : “and they lived happily forever and ever!!!!!!!”. Having “THE ONE” doesn’t make your life PERFECT. You still struggle, fight, suffer… but you have someone to share, someone who cares. You have a reason that goes beyond anything else to keep on, and there is nothing any better than the hug of “your man and your kid”, nothing better than their smiles, nothing better than sharing every single second with them….

I truly believe ALL OF YOU can get the same joy if that is what you are looking for:yes:. I believe everybody deserves to find and get all the love they are capable of getting and giving. NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!.


P.S. I call my students “my kids”