Here's a funny story for you all around 4am last night I hear Trick arrive home from being out with his mates, and could hear the ute running in the drive for ages. At first I though he must be backing the trailer into the drive, but it was taking ages, then I figured that Ricky must have been giving Trick a hand an mussing it up for him...but still the ute kept running. Then I thought that Trick must just be sitting out there having a gas bag with Ricky. Concerned that he'd wake the neighbours revving his engine occasionally, I thought I'd go out and give them the hurry up. I turn the outside lights on, and wander out. I see Trick looking dead behind the wheel, as if he's had a heart-attack and died just as he's finished parking. I wander over and knock on the window, he looks up drool running from his mouth down his chin, in horror that i'm standing beside the ute. I burst out laughing, and slowly he comes around from the deep sleep he was in, and realizes where he is and what he'd been doing. Eventually he pulls himself together and gets out explaining that he'd been so cold he thought he'd just sit in the ute for a while when he got home to warm up. It had been just over 30 mins since he first got home.
LOL, silly bugger, should have come home earlier than 4am, and then he wounldn't have been so tired and cold.
Now, I think yesterday I mentioned that I've swung back down out of Hypomania. It's got me remembering all sorts of things that tug at my heart strings. Like the Honour Rolls from the Hamilton Town Hall. Tonight I've got a song i my head. I've included it and it's lyrics down below. It's not actually the song itself that is stuck in my head, but rather the memory it evokes. About a year or so ago my friend Simon came over and we watched a movie called Camp. It was a teen flick, about a musical theatrical summer camp. Think High School Musical, only a lot gayer (which was lots of fun). There is one scene where a jock tries out for a lead part, everyone assumes that he won't have much talent because he's a jock...but it turns out he's got the rock vibe working for him. He sings a laid back folk version of this song (quite like the Sunday's version below), it basically exposes his softer side which everyone assumed he didn't have.
Anyway, it's this moment in the film that I'm remembering. So, where I'm at at the minute is reflecting up on my whole tough guy with a vulnerability who is willing to risk it all by letting the world know exactly what he's feeling and what he wants most in the world. Carpe Diem and all that. It's the same theme that keeps being dragged up, by fascination with gay kisses in movies. *sigh* It's all very well me wishing to meet some person who's willing to do that to be with me...but what exactly am I willing to give up for them? I don't exactly have a lot to give up, but the things I do have I hang onto very tightly. My family, and house, and the couple of good friends that I couldn't get by without. Would I be willing to give any of those things up for someone, who may walk out on me if something better came along? I don't think so...but am I cheating myself out of something amazing just by saying that?
OH, that's just reminded me about another topic I wanted to discuss. Is it a big deal for you telling someone that you love them? For me it just flows of the tongue. It's a gift I want to share, not hold back from anyone. So anyway, this week on tellie, I was watching Being Erica...and part of the theme was when is it right to say you love someone. It seemed like such a big deal, and then also not have it returned. Do you think it's an American theme, that Aussies just don't have (like the whole dating vs seeing someone)? Perhaps I'm missing the point of the whole "I Love You."...I mean there have been a few partners that I've had where I've thought "I could grow old with you", but perhaps I ought to be holding back my "I love you" till I meet the person who I couldn't imagine my life continuing without? Instead I've been offering up my "I love you." to everyone who I feel is part of my family. Which isn't a lie, I do love them, as much as I do my friends and family.
Meh, it's all far to confusing for my poor brain. LOL, and it's not even pertinent right at this moment in time, since I'm single and not even interested in anyone ATM.
If you've got any thoughts on the subject let me know please! Cheers, and please enjoy the music. Kate
Wild Horses written by The Rolling Stones (although I prefer this version by the Sundays)
Childhood living is easy to do The things you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady you know who I am You know I cant let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain Now you decided to show me the same No sweeping exits or offstage lines Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie I have my freedom but I don't have much time Faith has been broken, tears must be cried Lets do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, well ride them some day
Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild, wild horses, well ride them some day
Bipolar sucks the big one. After having a couple of weeks up in hypomanic world, I have the soul crushing crash. Where I wake up wishing I was dead, and every other thought during the day is how the hell do I get through this again! By about mid-afternoon, I can smile again and at least feign interest in what's going on around me. Although of course I feel guilty about letting down the people around me, shed the odd tear over it all, and try to pull myself back together.
Anyway enough about that. Joy of joys, yesterday Ronnie got into the compost again, and something has badly affected his digestive system. I came home from shopping to a flood of runny poo all over the kitchen floor. Between gagging and having to step over said mess to let fresh air into the room, Ronnie was cowering in his box and needed to be encouraged to leave the room. It was all mopped up quick enough since it was liquid, but the poor dog is still feeling miserable. So miserable that he barely touched his dinner, and when I locked him out to go to the loo, he went and huddled in his doghouse. After calling him to come back inside, and having no luck enticing him, I decide to take his jacket out to him and leave him in his yard for the night. That way at least if he desperately needed to evacuate his bowels, the flood would at least not require immediate fumigation of the whole house.
I remember at the school fete in Hamilton, the grade sixers would run a wheel of fortune. You'd pay ten or twenty cents to have a spin, and were awarded a luckydip prize, some lollies, or if you're really lucky a big prize depending upon what you landed on. The wheel was always situated on the stage of the town hall, and you'd have to climb up the stairs that were overlooked by the Honour Roll's from the Great War's. The polished timber columns and the shiny gold lettering always fascinated me. I thought they'd have to have been pretty special men to have their names put up like that for all of Hamilton to see. The fete was the highlight of the school year for me, a day filled with lollies, toys, cake, and the best bit of all was that Nonna would come and see me during school. One year I bought her a geranium that was so pale that the pink of it's petals was almost white. It was well worth forgoing the forty cents worth of lollies to buy Nonna the first gift I'd bought on my own. I can almost feel Nonna's hands on my face as she cupped my cheeks to lift my face to hers as she thanked me. lol, I'm getting all teary and sentimental thinking about how much we loved each other...peas in a pod just a couple of generations apart.
Anyway, I'm well and truly sidetracked. I started out telling you about the wheel of fortune because life is like that wheel in so many ways. Partly because you had to risk ridicule by climbing the stairs in front of not just the school but every extended member of the schools family. To me it felt like the whole of Hamilton was there (I had a habit of making a fool of myself in front of the school, like picking baby Jesus up by the leg and trusting him at Joseph as it was announced that I'd given birth to the saviour of mankind. All because I was shitty that they hadn't procured a real donkey for me to ride into Bethlehem. Resulting in the parents and older grades rolling around laughing at me...as you can see I don't tend to do things by halves). Secondly you have to hand over some precious money which you could use to buy exactly what you want, but you chose to risk not knowing what you'll get. Thirdly, you spin that wheel hoping against the odds that the number it lands on is what you want, the wheel spins and spins making you dizzy as watch the numbers cycle up and down and your hopes whiz up and down with them. Finally your number comes up, and me being me never winning any big prizes in my life, I get one of the lesser prizes, which although I'm disappointed I open my luckydip, and find something wonderful inside. LOL, my favourite prize was a suction cup frog on a spring, that when you stuck it down and the suction eventually let go the frog would fly through the air. I think I was in grade one or two when I won that.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that in life we put ourselves up for ridicule, and hand over things that are precious to us, to watch our hopes and dreams fly by, experiencing emotional highs and lows, sometimes we're lucky, but no matter what we get some reward, and it's what me make of those rewards that enriches our lives. So I'll take my plastic frog, which many people would call trash, and enjoy the hell out of it, purely because it's just what I wanted and needed after all.
Here's a song that expresses it all wonderfully. Cheers, Kate
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (from Monty Python)
words and music by Eric Idle
Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the right side of life... (Come on guys, cheer up!) Always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the bright side of life... (Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life... (I mean - what have you got to lose?) (You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!) Always look on the right side of life...
Well it seems that i'm back to not sleeping. I'm averaging a night's sleep every other day, and let me tell you Maurice is not happy about it! The second I do go to bed, he's there digging at the covers so I can let him in...anyone would think that it's the cat's right to have a warm person to control the covers and heat the bed just for them. Not only that I must have my keyboard set a million miles away from me on the desk, since there has also got to be enough room in front of me that he can sleep curled in my arms. Oh, and please provide the drinking water from the rainwater tank outside, in a nice clean glass that is wide enough for whiskers not to get too squashed as I drink, replacing it regularly since cats don't like any dust on the surface.
As much as I complain about the little blighter, I really wouldn't deny him any of those things as life would be that much emptier without him. The look of joy on his little face when I garden with him (which in actual fact just entails me weeding, or planting and him rolling around in pea straw, with the occasional pause for him to kill me) brings much pleasure to me. He's my chicken, and my besom, and occasionally my mickey mouse, he brings a smile to my heart when no-one else can.
Poor old Ronnie on the other hand gets no such sentiment from me. He's nice enough, and adores me though I can't think why. He just irritates the shit out of me most of the time, I'm sure it's just our mis-matching temperaments and the fact he has no concept of personal space, which I suppose is a dog thing. He does have a couple of nicknames; Ronnie Dog (said as if you're were announcing superman), and Slober-dog Milosovitch (which Maria always says is mean as i'm referring to him as if he was a genocidal manic). I'm also pretty sure he reckons "phwoar, get out you stinky dog!" is one of his nicknames, since he hears it often enough whenever he enters the room farting.
Well i'm off to do some facebooking, lots of silly quizes to do and games to play. Lord only knows what i'd do without the internet to provide me with days and days of distracting when i'm not sleeping. I have a feeling that i'm going to crash pretty hard when this jag of no sleep is over...at least so far my spending is still undercontrol, and there is no real extremes in mood (just the odd bout of insane happiness). I've got a day of work tomorrow, keeping people with guns safe, so I ought to get some sleep in readiness for them.
Not a long post tonight, party was great. Good friends, good laughs, and a few cocktails, what more could I ask for?
I did the whole cupcake thing, coral and jade was my inspiration, although there was not a lot to be seen. Here's a pic of some party food and the cocktails are Absinthe Suissesse.
Hello! Yesterday was my 35th birthday, which was fairly low key...Maria, Peter, Trick, Raphy and Millie were over in front of Maria's fire. We had terrific fish and chips, followed by Maria's fantastic chocolate ripple orange cake! YUM-O!
Poor old Raphy thought Trick was ready to help him out of the truck, and launched himself into the air...Rich wasn't ready and so after sailing through the air Raph landed nose first on the gravel. Poor little blighter. Although yesterday was good, I had an even better day today. Kelly rang to wish me happy birthday, and invite me out for a cuppa. She was also going to have a business meeting with two crafty girls who she'd met through blogs. All to do with acquiring stock for her new shop. I can't believe how fun and groovy it's going to be (actually I can believe it since Kelly is a fun groovy gal
Anyway, I think I arrived around 1.30pm, and we all got chatting about creative stuff (lol, I'm still to excited to even tell you about all the stuff we talked about!), it ended up that we were still chatting just after 6pm! LOL, I LOVE days like today, just one big gas bag with good people.
I headed home eventually because I'd told Kelly I could only stay a little while as I was cleaning my house for the Party tomorrow night. Now it's 3am, and the house is almost spotless (just my room to clean), and I'm almost ready to do more cupcakes. I also love being slightly hypomanic...I can do so much, with so little sleep! I'll make hamburgers tomorrow (with vege's in them for something a bit different). Get my salad together, then I ought to be able to settle back with a cocktail or two.
OMG, I just realised that today was friday and I've already been paid. Ooops. I could have gone shopping on my way home for various bits and pieces. Meh, it's all good. Hypomania is excellent this time around, I'm just happy go lucky and nothing can phase me Except perhaps this keyboard...I while back I spilt some pommegranate juice on it, and the key's have stuck ever since, even though I pulled the keys off and cleaned under them.
Oh I started a story last week, it's about an airman from World War II who is part of a trial therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Shell Shock), and a manic depressive woman who resides on the hospital grounds. Who knows I might actually finish this one. I've determinedly not thought about the story unless I'm sitting at the computer because I always chop and change the storyline if i just day-dream about it. Basically it's a story about coming to terms with life and death, and making the most of what's available to you at the time.
LOL, anyway this is off topic as per usual for me Cheerio Chaps! Kate
P.S. YAY! I love birthdays and great friends! YAY YAY YAY, I'm very happy!
So I'm definitely single. I feel fine about it too. Not F.I.N.E. :Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional...just happy and ok about it. lol, although I'll have to break the news to his sister. Then I'll ring Kelly.
So here are the two emails that have been sent to each other about this today. On Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:13:14 +1000, Wil Hobbs <whobbs@ncable.net.au> wrote:
Hi Kate, I was not alone last night so sorry about not replying until now. The fact is also, I've been thinking about our relationship prospects and have decided, for both of our sakes it actually makes more sense if we remain as friends. I think I value your friendship maybe more-so than a relationship with you at this point in time. I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I know that this may sound like an idiots idea but, I feel I want to attempt another opportunity with my wife. I want you to please understand this and I hope you accept it because I value your friendship. Your family members also have nothing to fear from this. I quite like your family and would definitely not do anything to jeopardise them. Sorry I couldn't make it last night or tonight but please let's stay friends? We can still go out as friends for coffee, tea, the movies or whatever. Love Wil.
Hi Wil,
I had a feeling that's what you were thinking.
Has Chris expressed any interest in coming back? It seems from what you've told me that she wants to date other guys, and that she isn't interested in giving up her lease on the house (which can be done very easily, all she needs do is tell the agent and continue paying rent until they find someone else to take over the lease). Also why would Chris be encouraging you to get back together with me if she wanted to come back?
I do understand you wanting to try again...everyone goes through a stage of "what if?" and the fact that things seems so much better once you've had time apart. The thing to think about is if both of you have changed enough that the same problems don't reoccur once you start living together again.
*smile* besides which this is really your first experience of having lived with a partner, and it's hard to figure out when to stop trying, as you've pinned all your hopes on this person being the person you'll spend your life with. Personally I don't believe that the two of you have a future together, apart from the time spent raising Noni. But i'm not knocking you for wanting to try. Make sure that you look after Noni and yourself and not stand for either of you being mistreated.
I'd prefer not to be friends whilst Chris is on the scene...it'll only make things awkward and difficult. If on the other hand you don't end up together, i'd like you to wait about six months before approaching me as a friend. It'll give you time to sort through all your feelings about Chris, and even how you feel about me.
I know that you might be thinking that I think you're an idiot, but the truth is, I think it's an experience that you have to go through to learn about relationships. I'm sad about losing this opportunity to be with you, and worry that you'll be hurt...but I can't do anything about the decisions that you want to make for yourself. Besides the choices you make now, are things that you have to live with. Remember that there are a lot more than two people that are effected by your decisions. You'll still have to deal with all the people that do think you're an idiot, and all the people who don't want to be involved with Chris. You'll also lose a lot of friends, some of whom you've already burnt bridges with. It's hard to keep those things in mind, when you're sorting through following your heart...You reach the other side of a break up and realise that you've lost more than one relationship. You can end up feeling more alone than when you started out. Trust me on that one, at one point i seriously lost all my friends over the break up with one guy, and it's the friends I missed more than anything.
You might think that I sound jaded by relationships, but the truth is I'm willing to put my heart out there again...except that I expect my partner to respect me, my family and my friends, and be responsible for thier own actions. If they can't do that then I don't want them in my life, no matter how much I may feel I love them, because at the end of it all it's those relationships that add up to a happy life, not the fact that I love a single person.
Anyway, I wish you all the best Remember that if things don't work out the way you hope, you can look me up down the track, as I do still care. Kate
*sigh* What can I say? I'm considering taking Wil back if he apologises to everyone. He admitted he's an idiot to me, but he's not quite ready to appologise to everyone else he's hurt.
I'm trying to guess all the alternative reasons he want's to get back together with me (apart from me being fantastic).
1. His ex-wife want's us back together so she can leave Noni with Wil for the weekend, so she can go out. 2. The ex doesn't want him back. 3. His family is still talking to me. 4. He's realised that he's lonely now that he's not going to school or work. 5. He wants someone to have sex with.
I could go on and on with reasons like those. I told him that I'm going to take things slowly, that I want to be sure that he isn't going to treat me, my family or friends with the same disregard as he did everyone last month. I've also asked him to man up and apologise and admit that he could have been more upfront about the issues he was feeling, and therefore worked out a resolution rather than rudely cutting everyone off and then accusing them of stuff they didn't do.
Anyway, I turned down sex with Wil, until I feel more secure about where we stand. That was last night, and today I invited him over for tea tomorrow. His reply was "I think chris & noni r coming over 4 tea. Thanks 4 the offer but i will have 2 decline."...I know Chris said earlier in the week that she *might* come over with Noni on the weekend. So Is Wil ditching me for something that might not even happen? Is he doing that because I turned down sex? So my mind is working overtime. It certainly seems a lot cooler towards me, than he was the other night. I'd feel differently if he's said tomorrow was out, but that he'd like me to visit tonight. At least showing some interest...but then maybe he's giving me space to figure out whether to trust him again or not? lol, so as I said before my mind is working overtime.
I feel bit like I'm dating a 19yr old. As if he hasn't matured enough to have an adult relationship where you can work things out, rather than chuck a hissy fit and storm out whilst blaming everyone but yourself for the problems in the first place. *sigh*
The last couple of days Wil's youngest sister has been texting me, trying to find out more about what happened between Wil and I. Which is fine because Wil's family is nice. But I've also had a text and a couple of odd emails from Wil himself, the result being that I told his sister that he could be depressed and that if i thought he was capable of it, the text he sent me on the phone could have been a suicide note. So tomorrow Wil's mum is coming to see him, hopefully to talk some sense into him, and generally just to check up on him.
I want to have a chat to her about how Wil is hassling Kelly over stuff she hasn't done (probably because he's been hassled himself). She sure as hell doesn't deserve it after all she did for Wil, besides which she has a strong moral code which she lives by, and the things he's accusing her of are totally unsubstantiable.
I hope Wil's mum can get through to him, if for nobodies sake but his own.
On a side note, Ronnie has been really ill the last few weeks, and has had multiple visits to the vet. He has a contact allergy to something in my backyard, and a mighty feirce ulcer on his left eyeball. The upshot of this is that he needs surgery on his eye (hopefully just under a local anaesthetic). Basically what they'll do is scrub the dead tissue out of the ulcer down to living tissue, then scratch that up a bit and hopefully that will stimulate his eye to heal. So far i've been cleaning and putting a variety of drops in it, and all it's done is reduce the inflamation, without actually helping heal the ruddy great hole in his eye...which is why the surgery is needed. If this doesn't work, then they'll pull a bit of eyelid (I think?) down and sew it over the hole, which will then supply the bloodflow which is needed to heal the hole...leaving him with a patch of eyelid on his eyeball forever. Weird huh? Trick can't handle anything to do with eyes since he nearly lost an eye in an accident, so I can't even tell him all the gory details.
Anyway, i'm off to bed (I know it's early for me!) just so I can be up nice and early to get Ronnie to the vet on time. Cherio!
I'm single again. Things lasted about four months. I'm going through the regret stage post-break up. On one hand are all the reasons we broke up, and on the other are all the things I liked about Wil. Obviously the break up reasons far out weigh the things I liked about Wil, otherwise we'd still be together. But it doesn't stop me from missing the things I did like. By far the best bit was when it was just the two of us at home in bed talking. When there was no influence from outside, just the two of us...it's a shame that during the waking hours so many other people had an impact upon what happened between us.
I've learnt not to listen to the hype, but to observe behaviour before putting my heart out there. Also to stick with my rule of thumb that you need to be out of a relationship as long as you were in one to have healed from the last break up. It also gives you enough time to truely see yourself and be comfortable about who you are independant of a partner.
I am glad that this relationship I had the courage to say all the things that bugged me, and to stand up for friends as well as myself. Certainly I said things that did not go down very well, but i'm proud of myself for not hiding behind being nice just to please someone else.
I worry that Wil will lead a sad and lonely life or resubject himself to abuse. I know that there is nothing I can do about it if that is what he choses for his life, but the part of me that liked Wil is greiving over his potential suffering. Certainly the way he's headed he'll cut off his friends and support, through behaviour that assumes that everyone is there to do his bidding, or manipulating people into doing whatever achieves his twisted goals. He's willing to treat everyone like dirt as long as he gets what he wants. Hiding the truth from people if he thinks they may object to what he's up to.
That sounds awful and harsh to say about someone without giving the reasons for their behaviour. Wil has three main motivations. The first is to secure access to the little girl he's raised as his daughter. The second is to remain as independant as possible for as long as he can manage (even if it means lying about what he can realistically achieve on his own). The third is to never be alone (he's quite terrified that no-one will want him). Certainly all justifiable reasons, and ones that the average Joe will sympathise with...but not when you watch unscrupulous means to which he'll stoop to achive his goals. The amount of people he's willing to hurt and step on...people who he called friends, supporters and loved ones. No-one is safe from his unjust treatment.
Certainly there are only so many times you can justify his behaviour...of course to say anything to him, it's taken as an attack and betrayal. But to boot lick is to squash any self respect that you have for yourself, let alone a betrayal of common courtesy and respect for others.
Anyway, I stood up for myself and some of the others that were being trodden on by him, which went hand in hand with me leaving my door key and parting with the words that he'll never hear from me again. Which of course I regret as I desperately want to know how he's fairing, and if he's learnt anything from the experience. I can't even ask friends since he's cut them off too. So I sit here blogging about it all, with an odd tear rolling down my cheek. I almost wish I could be angry, as then I could wipe my hands of the whole affair, and say he deserves all the misery he's about to reap. Basically I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...apart from Cheryl who I don't think I'll ever totally forgive, which is of course a seperate issue .
So I guess I'll just fill the next four odd months laughing with and enjoying friends...then if anyone comes into my sphere that could be potentially interesting I'll run down my checklist of what is appropriate in a partner before I get involved
Well for all of you who've ever been in a relationship, you'll know the balance of spending time together and time apart is often dependant upon what is easiest to do. At the minute it is certainly easy to spend every waking minute in Wil's company. Although it's certainly not so easy to achieve all the things that require a concentrated effort on my behalf...such as housework and other social responsibilites. As is understandable in any honeymoon phase of a relationship.
It's also a bit of a bugger for me as I've never been in a relationship where I haven't been the one inviting the guy over to my house and eventually move in. I'm finding out for the first time how much it sucks being split between houses. I have to take clothes with me, and anything else I may need whilst i'm away from home, and also lug myself back and forward to care for my animals, house and garden. Now perhaps if i was just living in a normal rental I'd ditch the lease and move in with Wil...but i'm not, i'm meant to be working on this house. Proving that i'm capable and responsible enough to handle a house and mortgage. Which would be fine if it was as easy as asking Wil to move in here...but the house is not set up for a wheelchair and i've just got a brother as a roomie. Besides that I've also said I'll take things slowly, so Wil can learn the good and bad bits before we live together, and last but not least is Wil's daughter Noni. He hasn't even had a real access visit since we've been together, so who knows how that dynamic will work?
So split between two houses I remain and it looks like it'll stay that way for the time being. I'm whisked this way and that as is demanded of me, and it's not exactly easy...I try to keep sane and stable. Buggered if I know how people do it
My Opera
(100%)
