Discovery is Seeing What Everyone Else Has Seen

My biggest regret is not buying a camera before my grandmother (from my father's side) passed away. Immediately thereafter I purchased my digital camera, and recently I purchased my camcorder. Memories are the most important thing in the world to me. Today my parents took our family dog Poexie - who is eighteen years old - to the vet to have put down. He could barely walk without falling down and his bones were so weak that I could'nt pet him without him wimpering in pain. My mother, brother and I have tried for the past two years or so to convince my father that it would be best to have Poexie put down, but my father refused as he could'nt yet let go, and finally realised that it was time to say goodbye to our dog, to put him to rest.

I remember when I was in primary school and we got Poexie - he was so proud, selfish and arrogant! All his life he pushed all the other animals, especially the cats, around, but we loved him to bits. He has always been there for us, went through everything with us, good and bad. When I picture coming home from work I picture Poexie chasing the cats around in excitement when I arrived.

Lee said to me that in one swoop life is taken and life is given, and there is truth to that.

I am going to miss him (understatement of the year), to us he was not simply a dog but part of our family. This post would never end if I were to share my memories of him in detail! I can't believe he is gone, what now? replace him? I doubt he can be replaced, he was truly one of a kind, the grumpy old dog:p.

I have various videos of him that I took recently and thank God that I had the camcorder before Poexie passed away - he will always be remembered, not only in pictures (which I feel captures only the person's appearance) but also on video (which I feel captures a person's character and personality). I spent alot of money on the camcorder and all guilt is now washed away. I have this memento of Poexie's, I have him chasing and playfully biting the cats, I have him getting bored of me taping him and going to his basket to take a nap, I have the memory of Poexie, and I plan to treasure it for the rest of my life.

Continuation:
02nd December 2007: I just realised that on the 23rd November 2007 I added a post entitled What Happens Then, expressing my views on death and the afterlife. Just a week later Poexie was put down - which I did'nt know was going to happen at the time of writing the What Happens Then post. I can't help but think that life is poetic at times, preparing me for Poexie's passing on...

My family is going to visit my grandmother's burial site this coming Sunday, and I find myself in the throws of contemplating death and all it's implications. There are many cultures with varying descriptions of the afterlife. My personal fave however is that the afterlife is specific to each individual - when you die you will spend eternity in your own heaven.

One of my greatest and strangely comforting fears is that after passing away, you are faced with eternal darkness, an endless black that never ends - no consciousness or self, just... silence. Is there an entity that will guide me, help me and save me?

I analyse and question most things in life as that is my character, and find myself asking... is this all there is?? surely there must be more?? Christianity, Islam, Judaism, which is the right religion? Is all right?? is any right?? If I'm a Christian which church do I follow?? What about past transgressions, are they washed away if I repent?? What if they are not?? What if there is a hell and an eternity of fire and brimstone awaiting me?? I might not be religious but I am spiritual, does that count for something??

Too many questions, with no answers - other than from fellow mortals who have their own respective faiths and beliefs - is there an unbiased, objective standpoint on this topic?? Delving too deeply into questioning my existence makes me appreciate it all the more *SNAP* and it's over, right? what the hell (ahem) then?????

Who knows??

A few days ago Lee and I went to a pharmacy in Wynberg and purchased a pregnancy test... because we had our suspicions... and the test was positive.

We took another test (of a different make) which also tested positive, and we plan to go to a doctor at month-end to get final confirmation. I've always wanted a child, but the timing is off, WAY OFF. But as they say, a child is a blessing and I already love my child (even though Lee is only three months pregnant).

I find myself thinking of the financial implications and how Lee and I are going to deal with all of this, I think of my business plans that will undoubtedly have to be postponed... and mostly I think of the fact that I'm going to be a daddy and that I can't wait to welcome my son (yes son, i hope) into this world:heart:.

But I am also afraid, I don't know the first thing about babies... I am now thinking completely, for the first time, about someone other than myself, my unborn child.

All this must still sink in, it seems so surreal. I feel a sense of dread and elation - melded into one terrifyingly happy emotion...

Continuation:
Date 22/11/07: Lee's stomach has begun expanding - she's getting bigger! This morning we were lying in bed together and were fascinated by the whole process. We plan to go to the doctor tomorrow, get confirmation (as if we need any huh?) and advice, lots of advice. Our baby, a human being created with our genes, me and Lee, literally, as one, in one - fascinating. I went through my life witnessing this miracle many times and up til now I never really grasped the magnitude of it all. This is going to be one wild ride...

PS: IF ANYONE HAS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE...

It's said that we only use 10% of our total brain capacity, and that Einstein used 12%. Makes me wonder what we are really capable of - and makes me realise that we are very far from reaching our full potential. A fellow operazini has a pic of someone walking over red-hot coals, which just goes to show how powerful the mind really is, but with all the f-ups made in the past, are we really that smart? With only 10%, it makes me wonder... are we close to brain-dead? It would certainly explain alot...

Life is fleeting. One moment I can be so happy, so content, and the next it's all over, gone. Love, friendship, work and everything inbetween. with a snap of the fingers things change.

I think life is about these moments, the moments that make me truly happy, when all my worries are washed away and I am left with a warm glow and a warm feeling in my soul. these moments are just that, moments, so I try to make the most of them. Many people try to leave their mark in the end, all be it their family, a business, a legacy. This is good but what about the individual? what makes life worthwhile for the person passing on? I think it's the moments of true happiness.

Seeing your baby smile, leaving for work in the morning and realising "OMG it's a beautiful day" and standing in awe of your surroundings, being kissed by your partner and feeling butterflies when the novelty has long since worn off, giving your mom a hug and telling her "I LOVE YOU".

When I lay on my deathbed (hopefully I'll reach that point) I will think back on the moments that made me happy, the friendships that's since ended, but was fun while it lasted, smelling the sea air at camp every year at Soetwater, shaking my grandfather's hand and then just pulling him towards me and giving him a hug, feeling his scruffy beard against my face, good memories that I treasure, that's the meaning of life to me.