Discovery is Seeing What Everyone Else Has Seen

Lee and I spent the month of February buying various items for Leah - a pricey chest of drawers, a cot, clothes, toiletries, etc, etc and etc:faint:.

All this left us utterly broke and without sufficient cash for a dinner for two at a fancy restaurant:down:. We instead went to Spur on Valentine's - Spur is a first tier South African restaurant that specializes in t-bone steaks and ribs:chef:. It was great stuffing ourselves and sitting back and letting it all settle:D.

Before then we just laid in bed and did NOTHING, lazing about and cuddling - my fave Valentines yet.

It seems I have to remain in my newly allocated seat, and the bad guys win again. I have come to the realisation that I cannot procrastinate any longer, I cannot stay in this comfort zone (if you can call it that - it hasn't brought any comfort), it's time for me to look for greener pastures. I plan to copy my references, proof of education and soforth and fax it off to about 10 - 15 agencies and employers, in the hope of an interview or two.

All this along with Lee and the baby, I really am getting a double-dishing on my plate, but I'm not giving up, on the contrary, I have to fight harder than ever before. The road of life has many potholes, some are larger - and deeper - than others, I seem to have gotten knocked pretty badly, and falling into an abyss of depression won't accomplish anything, I have to remain strong-willed, it's not only about me anymore.

Do you believe in the whole true love concept? Do you think there is someone out there, that you are destined to spend your life with, in pure bliss?

The whole concept is very alluring, but do you truly believe in it? Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever be with someone that truly understands me, that just 'gets' me, you know? Lee makes me happy yes, but there is something missing, not because I want more, but because I need more. I haven't met a woman that makes me feel truly comfortable, truly alive, and am starting to doubt whether she exists. Should I settle like all my friends? Should I just accept what I currently have? Knowing that I will never really be happy? What if i decide not to settle and never meet the elusive true love? Is it a pipe dream?
Does such a person even exist.

I have always wanted very specific attributes in a partner, nothing extravagant, but the one most important personality trait I look for, is a sense of humour. I have never been with someone that can make me laugh - is it really too much to ask for? Are my standards too high? And again - should I simply settle and be content with what I have - even though I am not truly happy? Beauty fades, I don't want to spend my old age with a wrinkly supermodel, I want to spend my old age with someone that can make me smile. Lee is great, and I love her, but I am not inlove with her. I know that deep inside, I don't want to spend my life with her.

My biggest regret is not buying a camera before my grandmother (from my father's side) passed away. Immediately thereafter I purchased my digital camera, and recently I purchased my camcorder. Memories are the most important thing in the world to me. Today my parents took our family dog Poexie - who is eighteen years old - to the vet to have put down. He could barely walk without falling down and his bones were so weak that I could'nt pet him without him wimpering in pain. My mother, brother and I have tried for the past two years or so to convince my father that it would be best to have Poexie put down, but my father refused as he could'nt yet let go, and finally realised that it was time to say goodbye to our dog, to put him to rest.

I remember when I was in primary school and we got Poexie - he was so proud, selfish and arrogant! All his life he pushed all the other animals, especially the cats, around, but we loved him to bits. He has always been there for us, went through everything with us, good and bad. When I picture coming home from work I picture Poexie chasing the cats around in excitement when I arrived.

Lee said to me that in one swoop life is taken and life is given, and there is truth to that.

I am going to miss him (understatement of the year), to us he was not simply a dog but part of our family. This post would never end if I were to share my memories of him in detail! I can't believe he is gone, what now? replace him? I doubt he can be replaced, he was truly one of a kind, the grumpy old dog:p.

I have various videos of him that I took recently and thank God that I had the camcorder before Poexie passed away - he will always be remembered, not only in pictures (which I feel captures only the person's appearance) but also on video (which I feel captures a person's character and personality). I spent alot of money on the camcorder and all guilt is now washed away. I have this memento of Poexie's, I have him chasing and playfully biting the cats, I have him getting bored of me taping him and going to his basket to take a nap, I have the memory of Poexie, and I plan to treasure it for the rest of my life.

Continuation:
02nd December 2007: I just realised that on the 23rd November 2007 I added a post entitled What Happens Then, expressing my views on death and the afterlife. Just a week later Poexie was put down - which I did'nt know was going to happen at the time of writing the What Happens Then post. I can't help but think that life is poetic at times, preparing me for Poexie's passing on...

Life is fleeting. One moment I can be so happy, so content, and the next it's all over, gone. Love, friendship, work and everything inbetween. with a snap of the fingers things change.

I think life is about these moments, the moments that make me truly happy, when all my worries are washed away and I am left with a warm glow and a warm feeling in my soul. these moments are just that, moments, so I try to make the most of them. Many people try to leave their mark in the end, all be it their family, a business, a legacy. This is good but what about the individual? what makes life worthwhile for the person passing on? I think it's the moments of true happiness.

Seeing your baby smile, leaving for work in the morning and realising "OMG it's a beautiful day" and standing in awe of your surroundings, being kissed by your partner and feeling butterflies when the novelty has long since worn off, giving your mom a hug and telling her "I LOVE YOU".

When I lay on my deathbed (hopefully I'll reach that point) I will think back on the moments that made me happy, the friendships that's since ended, but was fun while it lasted, smelling the sea air at camp every year at Soetwater, shaking my grandfather's hand and then just pulling him towards me and giving him a hug, feeling his scruffy beard against my face, good memories that I treasure, that's the meaning of life to me.