Towards the End of Existence

So, I posted something in a topic to vent out frustration.
And I feel like putting it here too:

"Sitting here behind the PC, thinking of what to vent, I do want to, don't know where to begin, lot of shit going through my head.
Has been this way for years.
I have the feeling I'm going nowhere and yet my life is going to step in a different direction.
My study almost finnished and I have to get a job, and finally get my own place once I have enough proper work to do and proper income......but yet I feel I'm going nowhere.
A lot feels unfinished and not done, a lot seems to change and at the same moment it doesn't.
It's the state within that does not change, mostly because life goes on and doesn't feel need to pause.

So as you can make up from this I'm not that eagre yet of what is to come, and that mostly has to do that life does not feel complete....it is not complete.
For there is no love in my life, there never was, and if it goes on like this it will probably never be.
I stand here, see what's going to happen and yet sit idely by. I cannot get myself to do anything.
I have many ideas and want to do so much....but I cannot get myself to do it. I want to make music, I want to make art, I want find love, I want to find happyness, I want to find myself....I want I want I want....but I do not do.
And it's all my own fault and I fail do do something.
I can blame not fitting in anywhere, I can blame everyone that's been bad to me and stabbed me in the back, I can blame society for having become egocentric, decadent, selfcentred and cold. Where everything is in hands reach, desire to be indulged within everyone's grasp, but yet we are empty shells of Nothing. I can blame all that but in the end I have to face myself, for it is I that has stood idely by and did nothing.

yet sometimes there things that do give me the feeling I am powerless.
For a second time I'm seeing someone fall.
Go down the drain, caught in self illusion,self deceit and pain.
Inflicting her own demise, blind to the truth but only because she chooses to be blind.
I did all I thought I could do, I gave all my support but in the end it did not lead to anything.
I stand Idely by after giving it all, seeing her fall.

Love the greatest pleasure and yet it can also be the greatest pain if it is not awnsered.
A double edged sword, your greatest friend, the greatest hope...yet the worst enemy.
It has not been kind to me over the years. Fallen in love many times, but because I'm shy and uncertain I never confess and if I do I find I was too late and the feeling had aready faded. And once I found myself on the other side and hearing (never directly tho) that someone had once a liking in me and yet I was ignorant of the fact.
I once had the chance to get intimate with someone, for that one time I did not feel alone and I fel good.
But in the end it was a one time thing and it didn't have much meaning, and I found out I'm not the person that can handle that, it has to have meaning.
Altho it was all that, it was a valuable lesson and I do not regret it one bit looking back, altho yet with a bit of a mixed feeling.
I want to feel apriciated, I want to have a feeling of meaning. I want to convert all the sadness, missery and hate. I want to turn it into love and give it all to someone.
I no longer want to be alone, I want to care about someone else. I want to show I can give it all.
I want to make someone happy.
Or else I will never feel complete and I will never truly be happy.

The trouble of the world, the trouble of others.
I take it too strongly...yet still I'm egocentic.
I can't let go, I take the weight of the world on my shoulders and still I know things will never change, because people never really change.
And yet sometimes I only care about myself, cause in the end I just want to feel good.




Yeah in the end I did find much to vent.
Some may seem over dramatic and so on, and I know some people go through worse, but to me it's still hell and nothing can shake the feeling.
I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm stuck but time keeps ticking........"