You Are The Blood In My Veins

I was drinking the sky
Taking all the blue
This is how I tell myself I'm selfish.
I was cold and I wrapped up in the sun
Smiling at the dim gray sky.

When did we change clothes?
Exchange love like taking rusty coins
From dirty hands
It tastes bitter.

We have burns on our hands from
fueling flames
I smell gasoline and it pulls us apart
A concrete wall stands between us
Graffiti painted on reads "find me"

I can hear you speak so why are you
whispering?
Tell me all your thoughts and I'll tell
mine
Louder now we scream in words that
are unclear
I am naked and you are dressed in my
blue sky

"find me" I know you still

"My old clothes don't fit like they once did, so they hang like ghosts of the people I've been"


I locked all my doors and windows. Emptied all my pockets and dropped the coins to the ground. I watched them bounced and scatter, rolling under the stove and the table to hide.
The kitchen was dim and the dirty dishes were sprawled across the counter turning into its own organism.
Like I cared.

The tv was still on. Muffled voices reporting the news
"Fire on the...."
"...and the cops found..."
"A new study says..."

I walked into the bathroom, and found myself in the mirror sprinkled with hairspray spots. I looked at my chin, my mouth, my nose...I couldn't meet my eyes. They felt like they were burning and I realized I was crying when the tears fell from my face. I looked down at the sink and focused on the drain, toothpaste was stuck to the rim and hair that had fallen out during morning routines was curled up in S shapes decorating the bowl of the sink. The tears finally stopped coming and I turned toward the door and walked out, down the hall towards the room with my bed and clothes decorating the floor. I pulled my shirt over my head and caught sight of the mirror to my left. Ribs poked out and looked as though they were craving for some coverage other than skin wrapped tight. My wrists were adorned with beautifully tragic scars from a cold razor blade that made its mark almost a year ago. The idea of creating another tugged at my heart and I traced the scars with my fingertips, they were almost unnoticeable when touched when when seen they were mountains of tissue.

The phone rang and I clutched my chest, startled. I spotted it at the foot of my bed and read the caller ID. His name and number trying to get through to me, but I don't need him. He doesn't need my story, or my testimony or me. I turned the phone over and pulled the batteries out making me unattainable and the room was once again silent. Tossing the phone to the bed I slid to the floor and stared at the wall, watching my shadow remain serene and still.
I can't recall how long I sat staring at my own shadow but it eventually left me when the sun fell across the sky. I stood up and pushed my hair behind my ears, pulled an over sized t-shirt on.
I looked at the clock, it was almost my birthday, and I didn't even care. Another day, another mistake someone made.
I climbed into my bed and stared at the ceiling until my eyes grew too heavy and fell, bringing me into another night of restless sleep.

She lights a miniature torch and watches the end glisten orange and red. Smoke creates loops and disappears into the night's sky.
She twists her torch between her thumb and index finger and watches and it gets eaten up by the burning light. The stars are right above her head, so close she feels like reaching up and grabbing one, putting it in her pocket as a souvenir. Who needs all those stars anyway? The sky is selfish, wanting to keep them to its self. The paper on the torch was shrinking from the red and orange light, she stared hard as her lungs begged her to feed it to the grass instead. She held it closer to her pink lips coated in a $1.00 gloss and sucked in sweet fire. It burned down her throat and settled in her chest caressed her heart in a cocoon of toxins. As she exhaled smoke twisted and turned violently as if trapped for years inside and drifted upward to the selfish sky and it's children of stars. Up toward heaven, or whatever is up there.
She tapped on the torch and watched ashes fall into the dirt and grass. Inside her head was a labyrinth, she turned and walked and turned and walked, eventually only to get trapped and have to turn away. Slowly she let go of the torch and a gently breeze let it fall softly next to her foot where she stepped on the glistening fire and killed it instantly.
"Come find me angels" she whispers.
"Find me and I'll consider you. I'll release the demon inside of me, let him free and let myself find my own way home." She chuckles at the silence. There is no one around to answer her, to see her fall.

I wanna go home
Take off this uniform
And leave the show.
But I'm waiting in this cell
Because I have to know.
Have I been guilty all this time?

And I wonder...
has the Wall been here the whole time?
When I think you're helping me knock it down I wake up to stones in my hands and solid concrete in front of my face.
"Hello, this is who I am. Who are you?"
There's always questions on my mind. I wonder why I'm here. How I got to this point where I fight the most with my own reflection.
When did I get used to being angry all the time?
"I hate you." My eyes say to its copy trapped in glass. "But I don't recall when I began"

I had a dream the other night that I couldn't decipher.
To dream of snakes, is a foreboding of evil in its various forms and stages.
The only evil I feel is the evil against myself.

And I sit here, in the dirt tossing around stones wondering if I'll eventually be saved or end up left alone in the end.

I stood at your doorstep for months.
In the rain in the snow in the heat.

You started a fire and I reached in deep feeling my skin burn and singe.
When I looked up you were standing in front of the sun, blocking it from my drowning black coal eyes.
"Thank you" I whispered
And without a sound you bandaged my wounds and looked in my black coal eyes, staring in awe.
"Where have you been?" you asked.
"Outside your window, I never moved, though I traveled through forests"
My eyes ached to look directly at yours, but you lifted my chin and kept your piercing eyes aligned with mine.
"You are beautiful and tragic" you say as you lift me to my feet. I stand tall and quietly lean towards you and your lips met mine as if magnetic.
"And you are everything I've dreamt about. You are every image in my mind"
We hold each other close though you're reluctant to hold on, I pull you in tight. There's nothing in the air and the snow has melting into the ground leaving us standing in the dirt. I grasp your hand and look up at the sun, preparing to rest its head for the night leaving traces of color behind.
"Stay with me" I whisper, and I climb into your bed watching your chest rise and fall as I lie awake telling myself this is how it should feel.
I struggled with my own heart, fighting it as though it were a demon. It kept telling me the truth while I slept and I shunned it, keeping my eyes on moving forward. I couldn't dream without seeing images of faces smiling at me before falling asleep. Eyes staring deep into my own, so deep they could see inside my heart.
So I reversed my steps and wound up on your porch, invisible and waiting. You left your door unlocked and I peeked inside, I saw you once again and I couldn't catch my heart as it jumped out of my chest, out of its cage of bones. It found its way back to its rightful owner. The one who knows how to truly keep it safe, throughout the terror and the hate.

"Thank you" says my heart. "You finally listened"


I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you