Wednesday, July 21, 2010 3:30:40 AM
I am now at the stage of my life where I have to learn to let go. Not for anyone else but myself, for my own sake. In order to live a healthy life I need to forgive my ex for all that he has done. I have told him that I have forgiven him but that was a lie. Up until this present day I still hold a lot of resentment towards him. It has been very difficult to get passed this. I know that his addiction had nothing to do with me but even though I know that and I type that it still doesn't fully process in my head. It's like I say one thing but think another. I don't know how to get rid of all these feelings and emotions and most importantly all this anger that I hold inside. No one should be this angry. I know that all the anger I hold is a result of being scared. I am scared for so many reasons right now. I am scared that any given day he could relapse... AGAIN! That he will never get better and all this would have just been a waste. I am scared to let down my walls and let him in because whenever I did that all that ever ended up happening was me getting hurt by him. I know that what I have to do at this point in time is to let go and forgive. I have to let go of the horrible past he and I have had. I need to forgive him and understand that he is sick and needs help, that this has nothing to do with me and that I cannot and should not take it so personally. But how? How do I even start? I tell myself everyday that today is a new day, that today I won't get upset or let my thoughts and feelings drive me crazy but at the end of the day it is the same thing, I let everything overtake my soul and body and I feel helpless. I really wish there was something that I can do, something that would help me to start the letting go process because I hate all of this but I know that it is not so easy to just say it and do it, there is much more to it than that.
My ex and I are still communicating. He is 2 months sober. Things may be different this time around, he might actually succeed (which I very much hope for) but its too early to tell anything. These 2 months where I have been here for him have not been easy by any means. We argue every time we talk or see each other. Going into it we both already know it will end up in a fight which is not a good thing at all but given this whole damn mess how can we really expect otherwise? All the fights that occur are because I feel like he is doing things wrong. He says that I am just looking for anything negative to point out but that is absolutely not the truth at all! He and I have had so many long conversations about how I feel about so many issues so when we have discussed something and then one day he decides to do that same exact thing I had already told him NOT to do then yes, I get VERY upset! I do not ask much from him, all the things I ask for I deserve! He needs to understand that I feel this way because of him!!! He needs to want to make this better, he needs to want to clean up the mess he has made. I am not so sure he really wants to, I am not so sure he is really willing to work for it because I am afraid its going to take a lot of hard work.
Last night was the last straw. I saw myself and I couldn't believe what I have become. He said he was going to call me (he usually calls me on Mondays and tells me how his SAA meeting went) Well 10pm came and I started to freak out and get upset because I thought he wasn't going to call (one of his issues that has always upset me is his lack of word, he will say something but never follow through, this is a topic we have talked about many times before) All these things started to run through my head. I started to think he was pathetic and that he was going to never understand me and never be able to treat me the right way. I started to question all of this and I started to tell myself that it was time I walked away. Among all of these crazy thoughts that were going on in my head I started to cry... a lot! because I felt like I was wasting time still being here trying to help him because he couldn't do the simple things I have been asking of him. 10:15 came and he called. I tried to answer the phone like I was ok but I couldn't hide it, I had been crying and I knew he knew so I just let it all out. I told him why I was crying and how pathetic I felt to know that this is what I have become, that as a result from all of this I am now literally some person who has gone insane. I was crying because I thought he wasn't going to call me??? Even though he did end up calling me! How sad and pathetic is that??? These crazy thoughts that go through my head everyday, all day have made me into someone I don't even know anymore. How did I get to this place? This isn't healthy for me at all. My life has become a big mess. I have become obsessed with his addiction, it has taken over not only his life, but mine as well! This horrible monster has grown life fungus infecting me more and more as each day passes. How did I let it get to me this much? Why did I let it get to this point?
The questions can go on forever but what I need to focus on is letting go of all of this. The more and more I hold on to the past, the more and more this addiction will make me fall further and further. I need to be set free, I need to breath, I need to let go of all this anger! As I write this, you are all my witnesses that from this day forward, I will start the process of forgiving and letting go. Just because I forgive doesn't mean I will forget. There is no way I will ever forget what has happened but as much as it has made me crazy I am thankful because it has made me so much stronger! It has shaped me into the person I am becoming. I will continue to focus on my life and grow as a person and recover as well because sadly this addiction is so bad that I need to seek help as well. I have decided to attend meetings with family members who have been affected by this same addiction. I have only gone to 1 meeting so far but I will continue to go in hopes of healing myself. I know that if I continue to go they will help me with being able to let go and that is what I so desperately want! So I have decided that I will keep on going for as long as I feel the need and in the end, I will become someone who has learned from all of this, who has gone through hell but has become a great person with a great sense of herself! I will let go, I will forgive, I will move on!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 10:33:02 PM
As of right now I am still supporting my ex with his sobriety. He is trying to recover yet again. Maybe this time it will the the real deal, maybe it won't. I have chosen to help him because as hurt as I am I just want to see him better. We live in different cities but whenever he needs to call and talk to me I am still here, or if he needs to just go out and enjoy life I am willing to spend that time with him.
Since last month when he was caught lying about his sobriety things are going okay. Its too soon to tell because with all of his other attempts to get better, the beginning has always been the easiest part for him. He has been sober for months but then suddenly he always falls back into his addiction. All I can really do is just wait, wait for time to pass and see if he continues with this sobriety and doesn't relapse like hes always done before. In the past he always starts to let his guard down and that is what causes him to slip. He says things are different with this recovery but words don't mean a thing coming out of his mouth. I cant go by words, I need actions. I am a firm believer that if he is really, truly, getting better I will just know. I have known this guy for the past 6 years and I know that my intuition will be able to catch him on whether or not he is really getting better. Just like this whole past year that he was telling me he was sober didn't feel right. I chose to ignore my intuition and just pretended like I believed him somehow but I never did, I always felt like he was still acting out and that is because he was! Its called women's intuition, we all have it and YOU CANNOT IGNORE IT! IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT!
I know its difficult for people to understand why I am still here for this man because it is difficult for me at times as well. All I can say is that I love him. I want to see him get through this. That is all I ever wanted. It doesn't mean I necessarily want to be with him it just means I want to see him happy because he will always have a special place in my heart. I don't know what the future holds, there is no point thinking about it either. Whatever happens, happens. My place is to just continually be here for any help he may need in this journey of recovery. If I can help him get to that point where he is sober for many years and is finally on the path to a better life far from this addiction I am willing to put all of my hurt and disappointment aside just to get him there. I have loved this man unconditionally, there is no doubt about that. I hope that he learns to love himself and forgive himself for his past because that is the only way he will move on to better things, that's the only way he will stay sober. And when he reaches that point and if we are still talking and maybe willing to give it another shot, I hope he can show me unconditional love because I deserve it! I have done nothing but sacrifice for this man and love him to death. All I want is to finally feel loved. That's all anyone wants. I know he loves me but it hasn't been true love, its been vicious and hurtful mixed with lies and unfaithfulness and deceitfulness. All that piles up and as much as there is love it gets loaded on with all the negativity and is nowhere to be seen. I want to finally do this the right way. I want to feel joy and happiness and above all else, 100% pure love and that is all, nothing else!
I have to talk about one more thing that I cannot stop thinking about. This past weekend he and I decided to see each other so we could talk. We met, he did some talking (I didn't feel like talking much) then we went out to dinner and a movie just to enjoy life. When we talk it is always about this addiction and how his recovery is going and as good as that is because it is something that needs to be talked about, it feels good to just put it aside for a little while and just enjoy each others company. Throughout the day we would hug and it felt good. These weren't the usual hugs that we have had before or anyone has had for that matter. They were very intimate and delicate and just full of love. I think its because we have not been intimate with each other and will not be for a long time. I am not going to sabotage this recovery like we've done so many times before by letting our hormones get in the way. I think that when you are not intimate sexually with someone you find intimacy in other ways and things feel much more intense like our hugs have been feeling. At the end of the night we hugged each other again and somehow we just kinda ended up kissing. I cannot emphasis how much this kiss meant to me. It was like nothing I have ever felt in my entire life! This was by far the best kiss I have ever had. I cannot describe it other than it being magic. It felt like no one else was around, like suddenly it was just he and I. It was so intense, it felt like this energy was just flowing though him and onto me. All I felt was strong, powerful, love! It left me speechless. I couldn't believe that I had just experienced that nor did I even know that was possible. I don't really know what that meant but it gives me some kind of hope that things are going to be different this time around. Everything about that kiss was so simple but yet so complex!
Maybe this is a start to something great, something I could have never imagined just like how I would have never imagined that kiss. Maybe this is leading to something greater than I have ever known. Maybe this really is it! I don't really know what to believe anymore. But I do feel like that kiss stood a purpose, it meant something. I may not know the answers now but I know in time it will all come into play. All of this is leading up to something... to what? I do not yet know.
Monday, May 31, 2010 6:06:13 PM
It's about that time where I sit down and vent. I know I will look back at my blogs down the road and hate them but its my life, its my past and the past makes you who you are. What I am going to write shouldn't surprise anyone as it didn't surprise me one bit. I knew this was happening all along in the back of my mind I just didn't want it to be real but its time I wake up and realize the reality of this situation. It is as real as its ever going to get...
So 2 weeks ago my ex and I got into a fight we ended up having a long 5 hour conversation about being open and honest and how he needed to tell me everything. In the end he said that there was nothing else to tell me and that if anything else should come up that would be it. 2 days later in the middle of the night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep because I knew in my heart something was wrong. I had all his passwords and information to all of his things except one (his phone) I drive myself crazy wondering why it almost took me a whole year to ask for this information when that was the reason we broke up in the first place. I kinda feel like this is partially my fault. Anyways I let him know that I needed his phone information so I can check it online and he said oh no need to worry my mom has it and she checks it all the time. Is he retarded? He never game me enough credit, I am NOT AN IDIOT! So he finally calls me and tells me he has still been calling hotlines to chat and have phone sex. I literally couldn't breath, I had a panic attack but all this pain I was in was so familiar, I'm so used to it that it suddenly goes away and all I want is answers. He doesn't have a job right now so there is no way he could pay for phone sex but he said he would just call call girls (yes, prostitutes) knowing they don't provide phone sex but ask them anyways if they would and when they would say no he would hang up right away. I know this is the truth because on his phone bill a lot of calls are only 1 minute. He is so compulsive with calling that even though he knows they will say no to his request he still continues and continues to call. Then there are other numbers that are longer some 17 minutes some 63 numbers. I drive myself crazy wondering what he was talking about. He says he would call the chat lines to try and talk to somebody whenever we would fight because he had no one else to talk to (he has no friends, this addiction has shut him away from all things of life) But he didn't call only when we would fight and even though its a place to call and talk there is still a section for phone sex. He would leave messages to all those skanks waiting for them to respond to him but they never did. The fact is, even though he never had actual phone sex he is still seeking it and if he had money he would have blown it all. I get the call girls and the phone sex because all that deals with his addiction which is to sex! But what I do not understand is the calling and wanting to talk to random people. What is that about?!?! Its like this is a whole other addiction. It has nothing to do with sex. Its wanting the comfort of talking to a complete stranger, its having emotional affairs. What was I to him?? I thought I was his best friend so why would he rather talk to strangers then with someone who has loved him unconditionally even though he has put me through hell and back? The one person who has stood by him and lets face it, I will be the ONLY girl to put up with as much shit as I have is right in front of him doing nothing but loving him but it was like I was invisible to him. All he wanted to keep doing is living in his fantasy world with people that don't give a damn about him, they just want to get payed. Isn't it ironic? He rather go to people that could care less about him then be with an actual person that loves him to death.
Just writing this makes me feel gross. I so wish this addiction was to drugs or alcohol. Its just so different. I was talking to my mom the other day about her sister and her sisters bf because they met at their AA meetings. (She was addicted to pills and he was addicted to cocaine) I asked her how she had hope for her sister but she couldn't have any hope in my ex and her response was "its just different" and it is. When you suffer from an addiction you crave whatever you are addicted to but eventually those cravings go away but with a sex addiction your cravings will NEVER go away. We as human beings are sexual people (especially guys) I do not understand how you can be sober from this then eventually be intimate with someone. You obviously cant because me and my ex were and that made him act out even more! Sometimes I just wonder if this addiction is ever possible to heal from because sex is everywhere, we crave sex, we want sex that is something you cannot control no matter how sober you have been.
Anyways, after he told me about him lying to me about his recovery for the past year I told him I needed to talk to his parents. (he didn't like this idea one bit, why would he? hiding is what he does best) I ended up going to LA to see them and we went out to dinner and talked. Things seemed to feel a little better but not really because we were so rushed because my ex had to go to his SAA meeting (which I found out he never told his parents about because he didn't want them to think he was as bad as he is... lame, I know) I attended the meeting with him and I felt nasty just sitting there in a room of men and hearing all their stories. These men are all perverts, I didn't feel like I should be there but I stuck it out. My ex talked and admitted he had been lying about his sobriety and that he needed help. Ya, it felt good to hear him fess up but he did that because I was there! He knows what to say to get to me, he is the biggest manipulator I know. It feels like he was just asking for help and putting on a show for me at the same time. Eah, I can talk about this all day but I'll make it short... I am trying something I have never done in these past 4 years where I found out about this addiction. Whenever he would slip and I would catch him I would brake up with him and run. This time I told him that I will be here for whatever help he needs because despite all the pain he has caused me this isn't about me. I could have been Megan Fox and he still would have done what he has done. When you love someone and you see them ill all you want is for them to get better. The only reason he ever says he wants to get better is when he is caught! How convenient right? He is saying that he really wants help and that he feels relieved because of the talk with his parents and the asking for help from everyone which he had never done. He always thought he could do this on his own. I'm not even sure that makes a big difference or not. Only time will tell. But for now I will continue to live my life and if ever he needs me, I am a phone call away. I know this is difficult for people to understand where I am coming from. I know the logical thing would have been to leave his ass so long ago but all I can say is that I fell in love with this man, he isn't this person that this addiction has turned him into. Its like he has a demon inside. I see him for the person he would be without this horrible disease and that person is someone I cant help but love. I don't know how long I will stick around though. But for now, I am still here hoping and praying that this time around is finally it!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010 4:02:36 AM
I started to think the other day why I even came to Opera in the first place then I checked my very first blog and it suddenly all became so clear. I was having boyfriend problems and needed someone to talk to, someone who didnt know me as a person, someone that wouldnt judge me. I realized that I joined Opera in May of 2008 (thats exactly 2 years ago) and I am STILL having boy problems... with the same guy!!! What is wrong with me? Why do I choose to be with someone who has hurt me over and over and over and over again? I must be crazy. I obviously love him but is love even enough? Im questioning lots of things right now. I think when it comes down to it I am scared, I am scared to break up with him. Im scared to let go. Ive gotten so used to him, Ive been with him 5 years that I dont know how to let go. I try and convince myself that we can work out, that we can overcome all odds and become this great couple but in the back of my mind theres a voice telling me that I need to run away, that I deserve true happiness and being with my bf isnt true happiness. What if there is someone out there that will give me nothing but smiles? That will NEVER make me cry? That I can trust and feel safe with? I feel like this relationship I am in right now has me crying 90% of the time. There is so many ups and down. Can I deal with all these crazy emotions for the rest of my life? If you dont know my story my bf has an addiction to porn. He is almost 2 years sober and he attends SAA meetings every week. It seems like he is FINALLY getting his act together but just because he has stopped looking at porn doesnt mean everything is perfect. I havent trusted him in 4 years, hes a compulsive liar and then there are all these triggers I have to deal with. Anyone who has been with someone suffering with an addiction knows how difficult it is. Sometimes it makes me sad because what if he really is finally getting better? I feel like its too late and that makes me so upset because why did I have to meet him when he was at his worst with this addiction? Why couldnt I have met him after? I feel like too much damage has been done. I dont know that we can ever be in a stable relationship. We keep trying and trying to make our relationship work but maybe we should just let it finally go once and for all. It just seems pointless without any trust. I know you can build up trust it just takes time but do I have time to wait? Ive waited 4 years im not about to wait another 4! But the one thing that keeps me from leaving, from running away like most women tell me to do is that I love this man and at the end of the day I want to see him get better as dumb as that sounds. But maybe the only way he will continue to become better is if I am not in his life. I feel like us being together is just making both of our lives harder then they should be. I was watching this show the other day where Dr. Drew was talking to a couple that was in the same exact situation as I am (her bf was also addicted to porn) and the girl wanted to stay with him and she asked Dr. Drew if it was possible to ever have a healthy relationship and he said it all depends on the guy. He said that if the guy really, truly, wants and gets help and really works hard and really wants to get better then things can work. He assured her that she cant force him to get better, that he has to be the one to want help and when that was the case that she had to work on herself as well. He told the couple that if they both kept working on themselves that they can possibly have the best relationship they have ever had and they would become stronger than ever before. It felt really good hearing that. It gave me some hope but what are the odds? The odds are sadly, he will most likely relapse and their relationship will eventually dissolve rather then become stronger. Im not trying to be negative, I would want nothing more than that to be the case for me and my bf but the reality is the odds are not likely. But then I think about it and who cares about the odds maybe we CAN become this powerful couple who has gone through so much together and finally fought all the damn odds and became this awesome couple. At this point it is 50-50 but God forbid that he relapses down the line do I want to be in that situation yet again? Can I even handle going down that same road once more? Do I want to be in that situation with kids this time around? And that is where reality slaps me in the face. Maybe its time I finally let him go... but how? Im stuck.
Friday, January 29, 2010 11:55:09 PM
Where do I start??? First I want to say that I miss you all! Opera has been a blessing for me. It has helped me to meet some great people that have helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life! OK. Soooo here I go..... Life is still not how I would like it to be but is it ever? I am just happy that I can wake up each day and get to experience living! I have a great family and great friends... what more can I ask for? I have currently decided that I will go back to school and get my degree (Masters) in Nutrition and become a Dietitian. The Culinary Industry isn't quite what I thought it would be. I LOVE to cook don't get me wrong, but the whole behind the scenes and proving myself constantly and getting yelled at and being mistreated is just not for me. My personality doesn't fit in. And at this point I am extremely excited and anxious to start school again! I know it will be hard but hard work ALWAYS pays off people! And I know I can do this and I WILL. And at the end of the day I will know that I will be able to provide for my future family and myself and that is all I want more than anything in this world. At this point in my life I am going to be selfish. I am doing to focus on myself and no one else and that is such a huge relief to me. I need to build a great future, I need to grow, I need to treat myself right because at the end of the day I am the only one that will EVER treat me how I want to be treated. I need to learn to love myself before I can love anyone else.
What else? I had a great holiday season! As you all know I LOVE CHRISTMAS! And even though it hurts sometimes because no one seems to care or ever want to decorate (we would have no tree if it wasn't for me) I STILL care! I will always make the best of it. Something comes over me during the holiday season. I think its because when I was little it was so much fun, all I felt was love! I remember being a whole happy family (my parents weren't divorced) and opening gifts then sharing laughs over dinner. Those memories will never go away. I feel like a kid at heart during Christmas. Even though things are VERY different... we're all old, my parents are divorced, no one seems to care about the holidays anymore it can get depressing but I still and always will love and cherish the holidays! I always manage to get everyone a gift even if I don't have a job at that very moment (how? I don't know) because I like to see everyone's face light up! I could careless about receiving gifts, I much rather give! It makes me happy. I'm secretly Santa Clause! Shhhhhhh.
Other than that, not much else has happened. I know you are probably wondering how my love life is going and at this point me and H are no longer together. We are on a "break" (whatever that means) We basically decided that we need to work on ourselves. He needs to focus on school and work and so do I and since we are both in different cities it just makes sense to just take some time off. That and the fact that he isn't better, he can't give me what I need at this point. I started talking to him in June and in the course of these 6 months I can't tell you how many times we have fought. I've tried and tried and tried and tried (you get the idea) but although he is still sober it doesn't mean that everything is magically better. He still has a lot of work to do. He is still making dumb decisions and doing dumb things that anyone with common sense or a heart would have learned from but he hasn't. WHY HASN'T HE? I ask myself that question everyday. I just thought that I would inspire him enough, or he loved me enough to FINALLY treat me the way I should have been treated from the beginning but that's not the case, oh well. The sad part is that I will always love him, no matter what. I guess that's unconditional love for you. Right now we have to just let life happen. Who knows... we can both easily end up finding someone else and fall madly in love (Lord knows any other relationship we may have will be A LOT easier then what we had) Sometimes I wonder why we keep trying to make this work? It feels like the damage has already been done and there is no turning back ya know? Anyways, enough about that... if it's meant to be it'll be... right?
I hope everyone out there is doing great and enjoying life!! Comment me and let me know how you are all doing! I look forward to hearing from you. I love u all! Take care.
Sunday, August 23, 2009 6:42:48 PM
So my bday was on Thursday and have been celebrating it every day since than
On Thursday my family thew me a BBQ with lots of yummy food. On Friday I hung out with my friends and on Saturday H came down. It was so much fun. Lately when we have seen eachother we have a good time but I end up getting upset at him because he triggers all these feelings inside of me. I definitely know that our relationship is going to take A LOT of work. I am still hurting inside, my wounds cannot be healed so soon. I hate that its the smallest things that he does too like just looking at a girl but than again you see it in my perspective and you understand it completely. Im trying not to get so upset because everytime we hang out I see him looking at girls and as much as I hate it I know that its just not fair to expect him not to look at anyone. We had such a great time on Saturday. We went to grab some Thai teas and just hung out talking then we headed to get some sunglasses because we both had forgot to bring them and it was sunny out so we went and got some cheap ones just for the day then we headed to Flame Broiler to grab something to eat (they have great teryaki bowls) After that we went to the park to eat our food. It was so nice outside it was cloudy and gloomy but yet very peaceful and beautiful. After that we went on an hour harbor tour that was very fun! Sure it was windy and my dress was flying up hahaha but I had such a great time. We then went to Best Buy and its oficial, I need a Wii
Then we headed to Elephant bar and after that we went to Ski beach and hung out then went to the store cause I had to take care of some business but it turned out everything was ok. After that uh ya we went and had some fun
Overall it was such a perfect day. I appreciate him for taking me to all those places and making sure that I had a good time. I had the best weekend and I couldnt have asked for anything more. Today is Sunday and to finish off my amazing bday weekend my friend and I are gonna hang out in a little bit and work on a project
Its gonna be so much fun. I was a little depressed about turning 25.... THAT IS SO OLD!!! But you know what?? Who freakin cares, it is what it is plus everyone tells me I look much younger so thats all that really counts
Friday, July 24, 2009 12:40:41 AM
On tuesday my ex..I should just call him H because im not sure what we are at this point came to visit me. We wanted to spend the whole day together so he got here at 830am! We had a full day planned out. First he took me to a restaurant that I wanted to apply to (didnt end up applying, long pathetic story) then we went to breakfast at this fab place that I wanted him to try called Hash House. After that we went to the beach where I ended up burning my back
It itches sooo bad! Then we were going to go on a ferry ride. I had always wanted him to go on it even when we were together because it was something that I always used to do with my family. We were running a lil early and had time to kill and since it was so hot we decided we wanted to get a Jamba Juice. We got directions to one but couldnt find it anywhere!!! We ended up going to another one that was nowhere near where we were then made our way back to wait in line for the ferry. It was soo much fun!! It brought back so many memories of when I was lil kid. The views and sooo beautiful. I am so greatful to be living in San Diego it is truly the best place on earth
The ferry ride takes you to Coronado island where there is a bunch of shops and restaurants. We went into some shops and art galleries then we started walking some more where we found a farmers market. It wasnt so great it was the smallest farmers market I've ever been too. But it was cute
So we walked some more along the beach and we ended up at the Mariott where we stopped to look at some flamingos. After that we were soo tired! The heat really tires you out. So we decided to take the ferry back to go eat some dinner then go watch a movie. We went to this Thai place because H had been craving Thai food and I knew of this really good place by my house. We talked a lot over dinner and just had a really good time. After that we drove to go watch the movie but when we got there we hung out in the car cause we were early and had some more time to kill but decided that we were too tired to watch a movie! We would have passed out and missed the whole movie! So we drove to Sea World and watched the fireworks while he gave me a foot rub
It felt sooo good!! After that we just drove to Ski beach and hung out in the car and started talking. He ended up apologizing to me about everything he has put me through. He said that he knows he had apologized to me lots of times before through text and emails but he wanted to do it in person. My heart just melted because he started to brake down and cry. He said that although I had forgave him he hasnt forgiven himself and thinks he never will be able to because he hates that he put me through so much pain! He proceeded to talk to me about his whole recovery and how things are different this time because he had told me he was getting better lots of times before when in reality he wasnt. He has been sober 7 months now and although that is great, it is only 7 months! But he says he will continue on and work hard because he never wants to go back to his life of addiction and lies and selfishness. It felt really good to hear him talk. I just stayed quiet because I honesly just didnt know what to say it was too much to take in. We talked for a looong time and then he drove me home. I got home at 2am which isnt bad but he still had to drive to LA! He made it but he says that he was falling asleep and kept thinking he saw things on the road and would swirve!! He got home at 4am! Thank God he made it home safe! Overall the day was just sooo perfect. We shared many kisses that just felt so great. You could feel our love from miles away! I am not sure where this road will take me. I know that a lot of people may disagree with me and tell me that I am making a big mistake. That its only a matter of time before he relapses and goes back to his addiction but I love this man so damn much! We have been through so much together and I agree with him when he says that this time around it is different. It just feels different everything about it! I know this is going to take time and its going to be hard because there is no trust in our realtionship right now but I am willing to work through it. As long as we continue to communicate and be open and honest with eachother I am a firm believer that we can make this work! We can start a new and improved relationship because what we have for eachother when it comes down to it is just true, pure love!I believe our love will conquer through all this and in the end we will be a couple that people can look at and just know how much love we have for eachother!
Monday, July 13, 2009 7:29:55 PM
I have A LOT to talk about! I have been busy lately and haven't had a chance to come on Opera to vent out my frustrations!! First I will start by saying that I do NOT have another sister!! My dad took a paternity test and it proved that it wasn't his child. That was such an emotional rollercoaster for all of us! I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if I ended up having another sister but that being said I am REALLY happy she wasn't. I love my family and just adding another member would complicate things a lot more than they already are. I am also sad because my sis R has left Opera
I haven't talked to her in like a month! I miss her so much!!!! I hope she is doing well, I don't have a way to contact her which makes it worst. I used to talk to her on windows messenger but I haven't had a chance. Hopefully I will talk to her soon! I miss u too Usman!!! I can't wait to talk to you guys like we did back in the day
I have so many things going on in my life right now....
My mom has been complaining of pain on her side and shes been to the Dr. many times and they assure her that she is ok. She took all these tests and again the Dr. said everything looked fine but a couple weeks ago he called her and told her that they found something and that she needed to take MORE tests!!! I am sooo scared! What if its a tumor???... she could have cancer!!!! I hate to think like this but I can't help myself. She goes and takes more tests this week so all I can do is hope and pray for the best. She will be ok, she is the strongest person I know!!
Another thing I must mention is that I am talking to my ex again. I know many of you will judge me and be quick to tell me that I am a fool and bla bla bla. But I made this decision. He knows that I am going through a very difficult time right now and he sent me an email saying that even though we were broken up and we hadn't talked in months he was still there for me and if I needed someone to talk to he would be there. I contemplated emailing him back.... I didn't know if I should or not but eventually I did and that is how we started talking again. We are just friends, I don't know what will happen down the line. He actually won some tickets to see Incubus in concert in San Diego and he invited me to go with him this past week on thurs and I went. I was so nervous. I didn't know how we would act when we were face to face we hadn't seen eachother in 5 months! But as soon as we saw eachother we gave eachother a hug and everything felt ok. We then went to the movies and it still felt kinda weird but when I told him I was cold he wrapped his arms around me and we ended up holding hands the whole movie which felt good. After that we went to eat some sushi then to the concert. It was a really awesome day. I am not sure what this even means for us but it was nice just to see him again. It just really sucks because my whole family hates him because they know what he has done to me. They know all the hurt he caused and all the lies and empty promises he was filled with. They talk about him sometimes and tell me that I need to stay away from him, that I would be a dumbass if I ever went back to him... that there are so many other guys out there... everything you can imagine, they have preached it to me so I can't tell them that I am talking to him again, they would never understand it! They would be so upset with me and that is what hurts so much. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. Either way I move I will be hurting someone. Who do I decide to hurt? Myself of my family? Do I compromise my happiness for the happiness of my family? I am very confused at this point in my life. I think all that I can really do is give it time. Time is key! Maybe with time my family will see that I am happy and see that there is a change in my ex so that I can tell them that we are indeed talking again. Who knows, maybe down the line me and my ex would have stopped talking. I mean sure we are talking now but who knows if it will last? I don't really know anything so I will just continue to be patient and let time take its toll...
Monday, June 15, 2009 11:49:39 PM
So I am very confused right now. I am confused because I literally think I am going crazy! Last night I was crying and laughing at the same time!! I have so many things running through my mind. So many feelings, and thoughts in my head that I can't get out. I find myself fighting with myself all the time in my head. I am so stressed out with life right now. I think what happened last night kinda just made things that much more worst......
Everyone knows that I am in love with John Mayer!!! that is a given soooo yesterday I was on Twitter and saw that he had posted about playing at a little cafe in Hollywood later on that night. I would have looooved to go!!! It was going to be a 5 dollar show... 5 DOLLARS TO SEE JOHN MAYER???????????!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!!!! Anyways while I was wishing I could go (I am very sick right now, I would have gone!!! or atleast like to think that I would have gone) I decided to repost the information on my Twitter (keep in mind that the way Twitter works is that you have to be following a person to get their updates) Well later on that night I decided to check my ex's Twitter (dont ask me why!!! I hate the internet, it can be so evil sometimes) and I saw that he wrote... on my way to Hollywood... then he wrote... in line, I hope I get in. In the back of my mind I was thinking is he really, seriously going to go where I think he is going to go???????? Then suddenly I see it... he writes...finally got into this concert to see a guy by the name of John Mayer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could not believe my eyes!! HE ACTUALLY WENT TO A CONCERT THAT HE KNOWS I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO GO TO??? HE DOESN'T EVEN REALLY LIKE JOHN MAYER!!!!! He doesn't even follow John Mayer on his Twitter so how did he know he was even going to be playing? I will tell u how... because he checked my Twitter!! He saw what I posted and he saw how badly I wanted to go and he had the nerve to just go?!!!!!! Then post pictures of the concert the next day??????? I know it may seem like I am overreacting but you gotta understand where I am coming from. I mean sure anyone has the right to go see whoever they want to in concert but it feels like he intentionally went to see him so he could rub it in my face!!! I don't understand his actions, I don't!!!! Does he want me to go insane???? Does he want to upset me?????? I am so hurt by this, so, so hurt and I think its not just because of him going to this concert its just so many other things. In the end this is what I needed to see..... AGAIN! I saw the same ol H and how vicious he is, how sneeky and malicious he can be. He knew what he did would make me mad and it did but if I continue to be upset than that is just letting him get his own way and he has gotten his own way for far too long. He can go to as many concerts and he wants, he can become best friends with him and maybe ACTUALLY REALLY go to the grammys with John Mayer for all I care anymore, screw it all.
Another thing that is bothering me is the fact that I might have another sister that I never knew about. I don't want to get too into it because I don't have all the information. As soon as I find out more I will definitely be writing it on my blog. All I know is that she would be my dads daughter and she would be 32 years old!!!!!! Life throws you one thing after another doesn't it? I think I am absolutely numb at this point.
So I just talked to my dad and he said that he had to talk to us all tomorrow when he comes down. I can hear it in his voice that he is scared and doesn't know how to go about this whole situation. I asked him if it was serious because I am not supposed to know about this whole mess and he said that it wasnt anything bad, that it was a revelation and it was also a blessing. So now I don't know what to think. In my heart of hearts I already know that he is going to tell us that he just found out he has another daughter! Although I am not 100 percent sure I just have a gut feeling. This is so weird to me. I don't know what to think. I mean I'm not upset because from what I understand my dad had no idea (if he knew this whole time that would be another story!) I mean I guess I should be happy about this right? How would you feel if you found out you had another sibling? This just goes to show that life is just full of the unexpected. It will throw you things left and right, you just have to know how to deal with them. I am so confused! I guess all I can do is wait until tommorow when he talks to us
I am so scared!
Sunday, May 31, 2009 8:29:54 PM
So I HAVE to write about what happend the other night! It was too crazy!!!!!!! Ok, so me and my 2 girlfriends go out to our spot for some drinks and later on my other friend meets us there with her ex Kevin an her brother Eric. We are all having a good time... me and my 2 friends drank waaaaaaaaaay toooo much!!!!! We didn't even know what we were ordering, it was dumb!! We just kept telling the bartender to keep them coming with whatever he wanted and in the end we all had to pay 50 bucks each!!!! The tab came out to like 200 bucks!!! 50 bucks for drinks?!!!!!! AHHHHH! Never again. Anyways, back to my story so one of the drinks the bartender brought us was this real strong shot and by than we were already so wasted so me and my friends gave it to my friends bro, Eric (we had never been out with him drinking so we didn't know what to expect) So we were all about to leave, we were paying our tab and Eric starts talking to me about the tip and what we should leave... he basically said that the bartender didn't really do much so we shouldn't tip him and that when he used to work at Carls Jr (lol) no one ever tiped him so it was ok. Well as soon as he said that (the bartender was right there ringing us up at the register oh and he was sooo drunk too! even though he was working I saw him and he was drinking the whole night!) he lashes out and starts yelling at Eric... saying... "shut the fuck up, you don't know what u are talking about"... "I didn't do anything? You don't know how many dumbass people I have to put up with so don't tell me I didn't do anything you little piece of shit"... "who cares if you worked at Carls Jr, this is my life,this is something I have been doing for the last 25 years so don't fucking talk shit about what I do as a living"... There was lots and lots more but I wont get into that!! It was sooo scary, everyone at the bar was staring and Eric started talking back to him too!! Telling him to mind his own business, that he wasn't even talking to him sooo his sister gets in the middle and tells him to go outside and cool off. After a while he finally decides to go outside but the bartender keeps talking and talking all this crap, saying the same thing over and over he was sooo obnoxious, we wanted to just get out of there! But now Eric's sister and the bartender start fighting and shes telling him that he crossed the line and that he should shut up because he is drunk also and doesn't even know what he is saying so we tell her that we are all leaving, that this is getting out of hand so she finally stops arguing and we leave.... but just as we were getting into our cars the bartender goes outside and Eric's sister (Esther) runs to him and they start arguing some more!!!!!! We were all so pissed because this was all stupid and getting too crazy when all we had to do was freakin leave!!!! But Esther loooves attention so she had to go back!! Not only that but Eric comes out of nowhere and rushes over there to start fighting with the bartender but we had to run and grab him (it took like 2 people to keep him from going over there) By than my friends and I were automatically sober! I mean we were so drunk but when something like that happens u just snap out of it. We were all in 3 cars (I was driving one) but I wasnt supposed to be driving cause I was so drunk, someone else was gonna drive but my friends and I just wanted to get out of there asap before the cops came and people started fighting physically and we would all get arrested so I did the dumb thing and drove, but I was totally fine I SWEAR! I think I was soo scared about everything that my buzz just went away... We ended up going to Denny's after and talking about everything that just had happened!! In the end, that was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed. I mean it got waaaay to out of hand! The bartender was so cool the whole night... we had met him before because we go there often but after that night the way he acted, he totally made us never want to go back there again! He eventually apologized but by than it was kinda too late. When everything was going down outside even the other bartenders were coming out trying to calm the bartender down because they probably know how he can get. I mean u are working, I understand why he got upset because what Eric said was kinda rude but since he is the one that is on the job he should have just ignore him and not caused such a huge scene like he did!!!! I just hope we can go back there someday and get passed it and act like this never happend because we love it there!!!! I think the moral of this story is drinking makes some people abnoxious and scary (especially guys when they get all macho, uh! guys and there egos) So u have to figure out who those people are and NEVER EVER drink with them again!
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