Boss Radio

As part of a plan to make the traffic flow more smoothly a city council is closing a pedestrian subway. To assuage the howls of protest from pedestrians who may have cause to cross the road they're replacing it with a pedestrian crossing.

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On the news they've just announced that they're going to be interviewing a "Self confessed suicide bomber".

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A poll has revealed that as a result of the expenses scandal, voters are flooding to David Cameron and the Conservative the party. The Conservative party were responsible for most of the over-claims and Cameron himself has just handed back a thousand quid that he "Accidently" over-claimed.

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The speaker of the house of commons was forced into resigning because A/ He tried to keep MPs expenses a state secret, and B/ Because he's supposed to protect MPs and he didn't...

... but the weather was on the bright side that day sooo... You know how the really cold weather makes you want to visit the... erm... powder room?

Well it does me, anyway.

So we went to see the sea and thanks to me taking a wrong turning somewhere we wound up in a dead end in a really pretty harbour. It wasn't on the sea, it seemed to be in an inlet or something. Anyhow, I leapt out of the car to take pictures and as I was framing up the first one it hit me. Ohno-ohno-ohno-ohno... I gotta find a public convenience. Is this what being incontinent feels like? Stopitstopitstopit... Nothing in this little hamlet, dived back into the car and set off for civilisation. Passed through half a dozen villages all of which had Indian restaurants but no public relief areas. No woods to go and do it in. Where's civilisation gone????

We came to a place called Something-on-Sea and I was contemplating maybe trying to find a place where I could do it into the sea, but Something-on-Sea wasn't actually on the sea, it used to be, but the sea had moved away apparently. I was getting convinced I was going to be driving home on a wet car seat, I'd got to the point where I was wondering how I was going to explain it to mum, then finally we hit a town.

The local Woolworth's store was having a closing down sale and the shopper's car park was full, but I found a disabled slot and mum has a disabled badge which I felt fully justified in using at this juncture. The intention was to find an eatery because they always have toilet facilities, but there, right in front of me, was a public toilet! I jumped out of the car and just as I was about to speed off mum said "I think I could do to go too."

That was the longest walk of my life. Walking at snail's pace towards that welcoming little shack. Fortunately both sexes used the same entrance so I didn't have to waste time there and finally I got in, and with great relief I... how do I put this politely? I pointed Percy at the porcelain.

Just for a split second I couldn't go.

Why would that happen? All that trouble to get there, all that painfull holding it back at all costs, and when I finaly find the facilities I have to make myself go!!!

Crisis averted I waited for mum to come out and then we went off in search of an eatery. Night had arrived and it was getting really cold and I'd leapt out of the car without putting my warm jacket on, all I had was a fleece with drawstrings around the bottom to stop the cold getting in there. So for the first time in my life I decided to use them.

Mum asked why I was playing with myself.

I'd zipped the drawstrings into my fly...

...they're never actually ready.

The general idea is that you stick them into a pre-heated oven at a certain temperature, leave them for the stated time period, get them out and eat them. There's usually a microwave option which requires you to stick them in the microwave for a few minutes then leave them until they've cooled down enough to touch then take them out and eat them.

The reality is that you take option 1 or 2, follow the instructions to the letter, take them out and under that delicious exterior they're lukewarm inside. You stick them back in for another time period (I usually aim for about 10% of the original time) and they're still lukewarm (So much for my 10%...) so you turn up the heat (Oven) / check that it's switched on (Microwave) and lob it in for another 10 minutes.

When it comes out of the oven it splashes and burns your fingers, the whole of the outside is burnt, the plastic tray has melted into strange (And possibly saleable at certain art auction houses) shapes, and the interior is now edible. When it comes out of the microwave the result is identical except that now parts of the interior are baked solid and inedible. You may feel that this suggests that ordinary ovens are best, but it is worth bearing in mind that with the microwave you don't waste nearly as much time in ruining your meal.

I've now taken to completing step one with the oven, then having ascertained that the food is indeed undercooked, I shove it into the microwave for 5 - 10 minutes. This fools the food and, I think, makes it angry, angry enough to get very hot under the collar, so it's at this point that I whip it out.

You'll notice that I make no mention of leaving the food until it's cooled down. This is the mistake that I consistently make. The food is now so hot that it splashes and burns me, the dish is so distorted that I can't move without splashing some more and by the time I get it down on a clear surface my fingers have burned rock hard (No guitar playing for me tonight!) and I have to run them under a cold tap. Eventually the food is transferred to my plate, although it never looks quite as good as it did on the packet, and I tuck in. It burns my lips as it goes in, it burns my throat on the way down, and when it reaches my stomach it lies there and burns some more.

Half an hour later my internal workings have had enough of this mistreatment and they direct me in no uncertain terms to Mr. Crapper's place where the food procedes to burn me all over again in a new and really different way.

And to think, some people add curry powder.

The first time I read that it was in a political discussion on one of the BBC forums 8 years ago. The writer wasn't 100% serious. In the last couple of months I've heard it said twice on the BBC World Service by people from less well-off nations, and they were quite serious.

Their argument went 'The US is the world's only super-power, the results of their election therefore affect the whole world, therefore the whole world should have a say in it'.

I thought they were being ridiculous.

I've changed my mind.

It's not that I know for absolute certain who I'd vote for, or why. I mean, initially I'd had voted for the bass-player, now I can't even remember his name. My logic there was 'The guy's a musician, a bass player maybe, but still a musician'. I never met a musician I didn't like, they're all good people (OK, Rod Stewart was a bit of a rissole, but he wasn't really a musician, he couldn't even get the chords to 'Dirty old town' right). What could go wrong?

The bass player dropped out.

No problem, Hillary Clinton was the next obvious choice, people were all warning in dark mysterious undertones that you vote for Hillary, you get Bill as well. To me that was the deal clincher. Bill balanced the budget and still found time to dismantle the IRA, and the worst the opposition could throw at him was that he'd had a blow job. Yup, it was Hillary for me.

Obama won the nomination.

OK, I'll take McCain, he seems like a straight guy and he says a lot of stuff that I agree with. Then he goes and chooses the hockey puck (I think you'll find that's 'Mom' - The Man in the Hat) and suddenly Obama's looking good...

I remember Sarah Palin from '80 Rock', her dad was in Monty Python's Flying Circus and, boy, doesn't it show? She lives in Alaska, she represents Alaska, and pre-McCain she didn't believe in global warming. If she'd just moved from her house overlooking Russia to one on the west coast she may have noticed the canoes full of those Eskimo blokes coming ashore. That'd be the Inupiaq peoples of Shishmaref whose homes are being lost to the sea as the ice barrier that protected their coastline, and the permafrost upon which their homes were built, melt.

Nowadays, of course, she does believe in global warming, because McCain believes in it, and he's obviously a jolly persuasive guy, but she still doesn't believe it's man-made. Personally I don't care if it's man-made or not, I just want the governments of the world to do something about it, and if I'd been able to vote in the US elections 8 years ago they wouldn't have needed the judiciary to decide who won, ain't no way Bush would have got in only to tear up the Kyoto Protocol.

But if the rest of the world gets to vote in US elections, what's in it for the good people of the USA?

This is the good bit. They get to vote in all the rest of the elections around the world.

Let's be honest here, there's no denying that the results of the world's elections affect America. Instead of declaring semi-war on Nicaragua they could have just voted the Communists out, and think of how much easier life would be if they'd been able to vote in the Iraqi and Iranian elections. Yup. It's a fair swap. We get to vote for president of the worldUSA, and they get to vote in our elections. Better still, let's let everyone in the world vote in everyone else's elections. That'd sure get rid of Mugabe and Kim. Universal suffrage. You know it makes sense.

Heh.

Now let's see Cameron get in.

I injured myself.

It's something that can happen to vinyl junkies such as myself at anytime of the music-listening day. I sprained my tone-arm lowering finger.

Naturally it was straight down to casualty for me. Ambidextrous I may be, but because of the placement of the tone-arm on the turntable mounting even left handed people have to lower it with their right hand. Or maybe rig up some kind of really stupid mechanism as a protest against a right handed dictatorship world.

I was quickly triaged by a doctor who rushed me to the back of the queue and a within only a few mere hours I was called to a cubicle. I should have realised that something was wrong when the nurse asked me to take off all my clothes.

She was about to perform what I assume was a secret mystery life saving procedure upon me when a doctor came rushing into the cubicle. "No no nurse!" He screamed. "I said 'Crook his little finger, not finger his little...'"

I assume from your ill-concealed expressions and unnecessary chortling that you don't believe me. You think I'm making this up. Let's be honest, up to this point it does rather beggar belief, doesn't it?

And yet the truth is, yes of course it's not true. I played a record titled 'Crook his little finger' on my media player as I was going to post a letter today. It was a beautiful sunny day and I found myself singing it no matter what came up on the player after it, so I switched it off and promptly thought of that punch line. After that it was a simple matter of constucting a lead-in storyline to reach it.

What the doctor really shouted as he came into the cubicle was "No no nurse! I said prick his boil, not boil his..."