My OperaStupid ready meals...
Monday, November 3, 2008 1:38:57 AM
...they're never actually ready.
The general idea is that you stick them into a pre-heated oven at a certain temperature, leave them for the stated time period, get them out and eat them. There's usually a microwave option which requires you to stick them in the microwave for a few minutes then leave them until they've cooled down enough to touch then take them out and eat them.
The reality is that you take option 1 or 2, follow the instructions to the letter, take them out and under that delicious exterior they're lukewarm inside. You stick them back in for another time period (I usually aim for about 10% of the original time) and they're still lukewarm (So much for my 10%...) so you turn up the heat (Oven) / check that it's switched on (Microwave) and lob it in for another 10 minutes.
When it comes out of the oven it splashes and burns your fingers, the whole of the outside is burnt, the plastic tray has melted into strange (And possibly saleable at certain art auction houses) shapes, and the interior is now edible. When it comes out of the microwave the result is identical except that now parts of the interior are baked solid and inedible. You may feel that this suggests that ordinary ovens are best, but it is worth bearing in mind that with the microwave you don't waste nearly as much time in ruining your meal.
I've now taken to completing step one with the oven, then having ascertained that the food is indeed undercooked, I shove it into the microwave for 5 - 10 minutes. This fools the food and, I think, makes it angry, angry enough to get very hot under the collar, so it's at this point that I whip it out.
You'll notice that I make no mention of leaving the food until it's cooled down. This is the mistake that I consistently make. The food is now so hot that it splashes and burns me, the dish is so distorted that I can't move without splashing some more and by the time I get it down on a clear surface my fingers have burned rock hard (No guitar playing for me tonight!) and I have to run them under a cold tap. Eventually the food is transferred to my plate, although it never looks quite as good as it did on the packet, and I tuck in. It burns my lips as it goes in, it burns my throat on the way down, and when it reaches my stomach it lies there and burns some more.
Half an hour later my internal workings have had enough of this mistreatment and they direct me in no uncertain terms to Mr. Crapper's place where the food procedes to burn me all over again in a new and really different way.
And to think, some people add curry powder.
The general idea is that you stick them into a pre-heated oven at a certain temperature, leave them for the stated time period, get them out and eat them. There's usually a microwave option which requires you to stick them in the microwave for a few minutes then leave them until they've cooled down enough to touch then take them out and eat them.
The reality is that you take option 1 or 2, follow the instructions to the letter, take them out and under that delicious exterior they're lukewarm inside. You stick them back in for another time period (I usually aim for about 10% of the original time) and they're still lukewarm (So much for my 10%...) so you turn up the heat (Oven) / check that it's switched on (Microwave) and lob it in for another 10 minutes.
When it comes out of the oven it splashes and burns your fingers, the whole of the outside is burnt, the plastic tray has melted into strange (And possibly saleable at certain art auction houses) shapes, and the interior is now edible. When it comes out of the microwave the result is identical except that now parts of the interior are baked solid and inedible. You may feel that this suggests that ordinary ovens are best, but it is worth bearing in mind that with the microwave you don't waste nearly as much time in ruining your meal.
I've now taken to completing step one with the oven, then having ascertained that the food is indeed undercooked, I shove it into the microwave for 5 - 10 minutes. This fools the food and, I think, makes it angry, angry enough to get very hot under the collar, so it's at this point that I whip it out.
You'll notice that I make no mention of leaving the food until it's cooled down. This is the mistake that I consistently make. The food is now so hot that it splashes and burns me, the dish is so distorted that I can't move without splashing some more and by the time I get it down on a clear surface my fingers have burned rock hard (No guitar playing for me tonight!) and I have to run them under a cold tap. Eventually the food is transferred to my plate, although it never looks quite as good as it did on the packet, and I tuck in. It burns my lips as it goes in, it burns my throat on the way down, and when it reaches my stomach it lies there and burns some more.
Half an hour later my internal workings have had enough of this mistreatment and they direct me in no uncertain terms to Mr. Crapper's place where the food procedes to burn me all over again in a new and really different way.
And to think, some people add curry powder.
