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The Haven of Darkness..

...conversations in my head..

Wolfy's puppy..

Meant to put this up a while back but had some mobile trouble these last few days.
Anyway meet my cute little puppy.. :D.
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. :love: isn't he cute?

Friends post:

Yes

The good old days - Cape Town..

Missing the good old days is what people say when they reminisce on a time where things were so bad looking bad makes it look so good.


Me and a cousin (Exact same name as me) got talking about a time many years back we, by chance, met in a sportsbar in Cape town.
At that time I was working as a security guard for the Ultra Liquors chain. Go figure.
At this point in time I lived in Loevenstein in the Tafelsig flats which is pretty posh but having two other roommates made the rent seem easy enough.
I lived about half an hour's fast walk from the train station and a section of that I didn't want to tackle at night.
Another half an hour later my train stopped and then a half an hours' walk I was at my job.
At that time if you decided to take a minibus taxi it would become pretty costly very quickly if you add it all up.


The walk made me pretty fit but having next to no bodyfat made the winters not much fun.
Soaking wet and cold isn't a good combination, believe me.


My job consisted of checking slips and checking stock and later on training new recruits. A job I enjoyed immensely as it meant dishing out orders and doing absolutely buggerall all day. Wish I knew about Opera back then heh..
Clearing out the parking lot of bums and drunk people was my other duty.
Now security guards are only armed with a baton and some mace so sometimes this job got prickly. The drunk dude and "fuck you man" incident will haunt that guy forever.
The managers of Ultra Liquors were cool as I put in a little overtime and come closing time those promotional free stuff customers get fall into my little bag.
Usually it was booze but this just got sold at my flat again. p: hey.. I needed to make rent. :rolleyes:.


Before I went from there my boss was pretty accommodating as when I lost my flat he took me in for a few weeks till.
The "mates" of mine had to go pay rent but decided that pocketing my rent and stealing my stuff would be better.

I don't forget and I don't forgive. May our paths never cross.


Ah well.. Good times.
I met my cousin in a bar while living at my bosses place but as he was running we couldn't chat.

Exchanged numbers but my phone had a seizure which meant no more phoney. At this time I was just a Wap browser user specialising in wallpapers. It was a Sony methinks but can only remember its stupid ovalish clamshell and very slow reaction time. :rolleyes:.


In that time I survived two muggings, one very confident homosexual that got the worst end of a bottle, a near accident with a taxi, almost being dragged into a little world I wish not to revisit and a ex-girlfriend that just can't take no for a answer.



There were times I lived off peanut butter for the whole week as cash was low. Times I had to humble myself and ask my very private neighbours for hot water to make some coffee as my little oven plus kettle and pots got stolen by certain assholes.

There were times I just wanted to give up. Times where one phonecall could change everything but being me I stuck to my whatever.
I found that family my father took care of when they had a hard time won't do the same for others which just strengthened my resolve to never contact them again.





I learned that people aren't what they are. Trust isn't something that should be on default.
Nobody is what they say they are and when you see a large dog coming your way you better run as it's fucking coming for you.


In the end.
I had to return home to the cushy life of not having to worry about rent, food or getting up at 5 in the morning to be at work on time.


This led me to have to deal with my mum and her condition. No prospects in life and the true meaning of "life sucks."


Now it's a re-realization of goals and a fresh start.
I miss the good old days.. :rolleyes:

Random conversation in my head..

I just love lying in bed with my last smoke and let my mind loose..
Of course there's two sides to this for me with a optional third.
First it'll:
*go about what happened during the day.
*what I shouldn't have done.
*what I'm gonna do.
*why does smoke drift into my fucking eyes when it's dark? Stings like shit.
Lights on again.
Then comes that dreamer side of me. Imaginative even maybe but it borders fantasy and what could just happen.
That part of me that's all business and a whole lot more fantasy.
The side that yearns to make a difference in having a good life and my current situation.
It sounds rather crude when typed that way but it's the part that sees something and then sees possibilities if there is any.
Believe me. I've had many of these little ideas but not writing it down it just blows away with this eye stinging smoke.
I could swear this cigarette is mocking me. :irked:.
Ahem..
Entrepreneur in me is one thing that never stops functioning.
Remember "Cost Efficient Gravestones?"
No?
Well it was me who came up with it but I couldn't get the backers or materials to complete the job.
My one prototype is now a gravestone on my dear little Mishka..

Sidetracked again.
Then comes the third part.
The dreamer part. The fantasy that just is never realised.
The part where one of my ideas actually take off. The one which puts the fucking aglet to shame. :lol:.
The one where money is rolling in and I'm living the good life.
Squash.
.
.
Yep. I squash those now. It's a great dream with all the little things opening in life but it's so far from reality it aches me as something doesn't work.
Did I have faith enough in any of my ideas to give them a chance?
Did I actually think it through and begin strategic plans to execute said idea?
Did I even believe for a moment that when it comes to dreaming it's best to dream of things that the tangible world can't touch?

It's a harsh little world and this I know from experience.
(this is where I begin to rant)
Blah blah bullshit..

*I rub my head in silent contemplation on what to type next*

What was the point? Is there a point? What would the use for this be?

I believe that none but me will find use out of a post written by just another insignificant blogger in a reality that is ours.

Would you like to know the use?
I fucking would too.. :lol:.
Seriously though.
The point to myself is to get my ass out of some imaginative world where everything just goes the right way.
Get off my ass and actually think something through before opening my big gob to the world. (clinically impossible)
To man-up for a change and realise that I've got not much to lose but everything to gain though doing it more wisely then some sort of success will be reached.
Squash.
Again with the fucking unrealistic dreams.

Nothing comes easy and by fantasizing that they do.. *pugh*

Ok I'm gonna think of something else now.. :rolleyes:


Another day in paradise..

Having a little re-thought on just how exactly life works is a tad of a eye opener.
The realization that missing alot and regretting even more so but to think of what you can do to change that should be motivation enough for at least something.

A massive summer cold has decided that my head is its playground and will for the next few days play "pa-rum-pa-pum" on my, uhm.. head.
This made me realise my aversion to medication but it seems they're helping. Whoohoo. Be medicated.

My feeds show some arrogant american prick swearing for no apparent reason in some forums because brits are idiots and america is the greatest country in the world.
Just makes you get out the popcorn and put on some 3D glasses.
My decision to stay out of that kinda made me feel bad so I wrote my mate a e-mail telling him that my support is there but I don't wish to do nasty just now.
It made me rethink of other moments on here which I didn't take enough initiative.
Not good when you're already depro and medicated up the whazoo.. ugh.

Some other mail later someone asked why change blogs. Why go through all this shit of having to move all your stuff.
Unfortunately I might've replied a tad harsh and apologized accordingly though.
I've taken things the wrong way the last few days and not alot would rub me the wrong way.
The outcome is less than desirable for me.
It made me question my motives why I decided to use this account and frankly my answer..*shrug*
Should I go back to my old one? Things my mind asks when tossing and turning is a midnight feast.

Tomorrow is another day and a mini tattoo once again.
I love the job but let's face it. Won't be breaking even with it anytime soon.

Looking over it all and realising that my goals haven't flickered into nothingness but just need a proper route planned out.

Now I can maybe smile a bit as dark dreams won't be haunting me tonight.

When the mind wanders..

Today has been one of those times when you try to sit down and make sense of anything that comes to mind. Things that thoroughly bother you and send such feelings as self loathing and disgust. Sends you over the edge and still you it doesn't stop there. Reaching that limit throws everything out of perspective and you lose your footing. Crash. Burned. But still stirring. Where from here then? Up and away? Not so easy when you're head's still hanging and a few monkeys are clambering all over your back. Which way from here then? A little quote from a movie said something like why do we fall. To get back up. Something good to live by till you actually find yourself sucking pavement. It could be my dad or some mythical father figure that once told me that when something really bad happens that more people died in the war. Old people. :rolleyes:. Somehow that makes some sense saying that everything isn't that bad. Something decent to think yeah but still I do not feel it clicking in place like some things should. Now it's time for cheese puffs, warm blankets and a 8 hour run of Inuyasha (anime series) then whatever comes next.. Nice Sunday no?

Bitching and Moaning

Don't you just hate it when people tell you what to do in 'that tone of voice?'
Meaning when you're busy with something then someone comes along and tells you how to do it.
Telling how to do something while you're doing it. Not how to do it better. Not how to do it more efficiently in some other manner or how you're currently doing something. Just giving you a little voiceover to what you're currently busy with.
That really flares up my "STFU" response..

I mean why not go about what you're doing and leave me to my devices eh?
Why do you need to tell me what's on your mind when clearly you're not even trying to help me with whatever I'm busy with?
Hey, if you were my boss and you felt that irksome need to just show your petty little dominance over me it'll be understandable to me.
If your existance qualified as me respecting you and valueing your input then sure. Tell me how to do something as this would be just a prelude in some conversation we'd be having.
Is this human nature?
Is this how you feel you're contributing to society by telling people how to do things you're obviously not gonna do.
Shall I just sigh and let you prattle on to give you some sort of significance?
Shall I tell you off because damn it you're fucking up my chie..
Hrrrrr. . .
Doing menial tasks is my way of mediation. The moment when my head rolls over all the little things and processes them and in the end I get the satisfaction of a calm mind.
Do you think I think about what I'm doing? Hell no.
It's all autopilot but that doesn't mean my head is empty and has to be filled with your meaningless prattle.

For anyone this would be a baseless little rant as this has either never happened to them or they're the ones that deal out such 'valuable' input to the masses..
I could let that person go on and defend themself into saying that their input was valuable.
Then I'd say that it'd be valuable to someone who fucking cares for surely,
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Grrr...