In the mind of Dorjan

No matter how I try I always stay up later than I should. I then get up later than I should and feel more tired that I should. I therefore put in less effort than I should...

And when I try? Something disturbs me so I get less sleep than I should.

Should I bother? Is it some higher being telling me to stay up late? Really bad sodding luck?

Oh btw, I had some really great blogs lined up... but I've slept since then and lost my train of randomness.

- Dorjan

In a perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

Recently I've been feeling a little down.

Nothing is wrong as such, I just feel lazy.

"Lazy!? How is Dorjan Lazy!?" I hear a few of my friends cry. Well...

I need to do a lot of things, do I do them all? No. Really? No. I don't service the car, I don't maintain the computers unless they go down, I don't finish the DIY, I don't make the ZG map, I don't finish looking at the Alleg code to fix a few bugs I know of, I don't fix the wiki, I don't follow up on things, I don't finish my turn on Dom3, I don't do so much...

So much to do, so what do I do? I seriously don't know...

Here's a thought. Your strength of body reflects in your strength of mind. I feel lazy, my mind feels numb and I feel like my body is wasting away.

Why am I not energized, focused... I'm frustrated and unhappy with myself.

So why don't I change?

Dammit.

If you've ever had to do a big project you'll know what I mean when I say: "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!"

I've been working on re-doing our main website for www.incgamers.com and although I don't design the layout I have to make sure it functions correctly... something it hasn't been doing since I started.

I've totally re-done everything from a backend point-of-view which is little rewarding for a programmer who has no programming friends. No-one cares if you've upped the efficacy of the website by 500% and thus cut loading times and server loads... they just care if it looks pretty. Also as a builder you cannot see how well you're doing or the progress you are making very well. The bug list gets longer and so is the features list...

Now anyone who designs a project correctly knows you set up the foundation and structure before all the fancy stuff. So until that is done you cannot start to see any progress at all.

I'm not perfect, there are still things wrong! However I can see my progress: Bug->fix->Reward! I can SEE it working, others can see it working too! More pats on the back, more thank you's and less of your boss actually wondering if you are working or actually just compiling...

- Dorjan

In the perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

My big project is nearing the end...

A single mistake can cost a lot... I am quite nerveous, I will let you know how it ends up!

In other news, next week I'm on holiday!! Its been a while...

Congratulations on my friend Matyas for setting the date of his wedding, may the rest of his life with his soon-to-be wife be full of joy.

- Dorjan

In the perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

Random thoughts usually flow through all our brains, at least those of us who consider ourselves alive. I am one of many unfortunate souls that seems to forget every interesting fact worthy of "blogging" therefore when I sit down to tell my thoughts the subject matter seems bland or rather, forced.

The only person who experiances most of my curious thoughts is someone who cares little for debate, in other words they accept all I say without question. Is that faith? Leadership? Love? I'm unsure but like the beleive the latter.

Time is a resource we are constantly spending, something which is non-refundable, something which is as rare as it is plentiful. I wish to use my time to the best I can, although I fail at it to my own standard. Balance, as talked about in my last blog, is hard to achieve. This flows not only with happiness and fun but with love, thoughts, intelligence, knowledge, skills, fun everything. We humans have complicated life enough that we don't actually know what we want most of the time, we just "do".

Each day we get twenty-four hours. In each twenty-four hours we get around eight hours sleep. In each sixteen hours we are awake we spend eight hours working. We spend about two hours preparing for the day ahead and maybe two hours at the end "winding-down". In theory that leaves a full four hours of free time every single workday, with weekends being even more empty. Four hours... How is it that I cannot find these four hours? How come these four massive hours seems to be not enough to maintain a basic lifestyle let alone build on intelligence, knowledge or skills.

That a-side, we have a loved one we take care of, who takes care of us. A child? The person you are building, your personal project, your replacement. Parenets? People that help us to the day we die, even if it's in lessions taught rather than anything new. A reminder of what can be? It doesn't matter, our parents help us be stronger with examples of how we want to be or what we want to avoid.

To touch back on the preveous topic of Steel Fury, my squadron for free-allegiance. I re-joined the squadron, not to many peoples suprise. The people's remorse, shock, tears and general feelings towards my leaving touched me. Who cares if the world is between some of us, who cares if it's just down the road. What stops us humans from connecting though computer screens. Personality's can be faked, the trust we put in these "screen-names" is mind-baffling. However, if these pixels can make you cry, smile, laugh or teach, encorage, build and even destroy our minds how can we dismiss them like a machine? Love is biological, what we love doesn't have to be.

We are alive when we cry, we are alive when we smile, we are alive when we are angry, we are alive when we are sad... I for one, am happy to be alive.