In the mind of Dorjan

I've been doing alright up until now.

Its one of those brick walls that just hit me in the face. I find myself socialising too much on the computer. Now one of the reasons is because I can't really DO anything at nights. Finances and life deeds keep me bolted to the floor.

The other thing is my projects.. oh my projects... the things which will make someone.. the things I NEED in this life I delay with "tiredness" and "I'll just play a game first" and I find out it is yet another week without progress.

I have plenty of things I've got, so I'm not largely unhappy or depressed but again feeling like a Human that isn't making a difference or even making his way through this world.

Being twenty five and not a successful businessman hurts me. Now I don't mean a salesmen or anything but just where I want to be. I know I'm worth much more than I am currently but I hold myself back?

Do I relax and "just go with the flow" or do I act? And that question I've been asking for years... how?

How do you act on your own personality even if you see your own flaws.

In a perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

How many people need to call out to me for me to fail them but not being strong enough or knowing what to say / do.

I'd like to think I'm a better person than I am but I'm not... I should have more to me but I feel like I'm just not rising to be the person I should be.

Something is wrong.

Help others by helping yourself, but if you can't help yourself how can you help others?

Life, don't talk to me about life!

- Dorjan

In a perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

After my last blog I really got thinking about who's fault it really is? WHY is nothing done? Why am I underperforming at work? Well, truth me told it's me. Of course it was me and it has been me all along.

As of yesterday I set myself a rota. A time to go to bed, a time to wake up (with slight flexibility). Set activity types per night (Example, thusday is "study night". This can be extra work, web dev, game dev, anything relating to my profession).

I will also no longer chat or check my forums at work. During lunch I will still try to check my comics and e-mails but that is it. I need to focus on what is important. My friends will wait until the night to talk to me, my boss won't wait until night for me to do my job.

I've been silly my whole life, time to get serious.

- Dorjan

In a perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

This is going to be on the same line as the last one but worse...

I've had the day after tomorrow and what do I get? The boss telling me to fix issues that had nothing to do with the project I did. He wasn't impressed by all the features I added even though these features were meant to work from the start of the site. You see, he outsourced the original site by this crummy company that did a rubbish site that never worked.

I've gone away from my usual projects to work on this site and totally re-write the back end and add in the features that should've been there and change the way they had things to a more streamlines OOP style method.

Does he like it? Does he hell! It's still not perfect, and there was bugs. No kidding! I was a team of one with NO TESTERS. I asked for people to help me but they were "too busy" so I had to test things my own way. I asked a few friends who helped a million but I didn't have time. I think it took me five weeks, and by my bosses standard thats too long. *sigh*

It wouldn't have killed him to list a few things that he loves and made a big deal out of them. Yes I know I'm being paid to do a job so why should he "thank me for what he's paying me for", but we humans do not work that way! We actually need to know we're making a difference and that we're doing a good job. I tell myself I'm doing it OK but as an in-experianced programmer as the sole programmer for a company it's hard to judge.

Bah, enough of this rant.

- Dorjan

In a perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...

Here on Opera communities I've already seen and experainced a few good blogs. There is one though that I wish to share with my few readers.

This blog by Furie is an interesting read. Someone who is open minded is someone who is worth keeping a friend. Furie points out some very interesting facts on fear:

Originally posted by Furie:

When the woman mentioned the panic attacks she'd been having, these people started talking about heart attacks and brain tumors they'd heard of with similar symptoms, terrifying her. They didn't even think about what they were saying and just kept flapping their lips and scaring this poor woman.

Well I decided to make my own "blog" in his blog so I will share it with you:

Originally posted by Dorjan:

The reason people do this is directly because of the way the human memory works (apparently) and the way that (most) people hates silence.

Association is largely the way memory works. How many times can someone say "so whats up?" and even though you haven't spoke to this person for maybe a year you reply "I dunno" or "same old, same old". The reason is that this person hasn't triggered any recent memories and unless you've just done something quite large, you'll even forget that fact that you've got a kid (if yours was born since you last saw this person).

Hmm, that wasn't well told but the point is: The reason you forgot your kid is because it's "normal" to you. You are used to the idea therefore its not big news. If however your kid was with you (or they had a kid) you would start talking about kids!

Have you ever seen "mum clubs" where all the women with children will talk about kids, schools and the like because thats what each of them are reminding each other of.

Back to the point of the blog : When people are trying to make someone feel better, what they are really doing is "filling the air" and the conversation snowballs with the avg-joe and it's about the topic at hand.

It does take just one person to realise they are doing this quite instinctual act, and to say something like "Guys..." to break it.

Of course some people are less likely than others to do this (quiet types) and knowledge is a factor (the more you know, the more things will trigger different memories) + common sense / good manners will make you understand you shouldn't be doing it etc.

Wait, this is a comment... err, good blog and I agree people are idiots and thoughtless, sorry for ranting!

^,^

I recommend that you read the blog and maybe even submit for updates. Any thought that provokes thoughts is a thought worth reading.

Or something like that.

- Dorjan

In the perfect world, the only thing real would be our dreams...