My Opera
Spiritual Emergency
Thursday, December 8, 2011 8:29:25 PM
Do you remember her?
My intention is not to be alarming, although I am alarmed. Do you care to know how I came to discover that my revolver was unloaded? Do you care to know how I am haunted? Did you know that my soul left me? Do you know that I am having panic attacks and feel like I am having a heart attack and a stroke? Maybe I am. I don't know. Could you know that I tremble violently almost consistently? Do you have any idea that I am schizing out so bad that I have pages and pages of dialogue with an unborn child?
She talks to me all the time:
~Mommy?
~Yes, baby?
~Do you love me?
~I love you more than anything in the world.
~Why does your heart beat so fast?
~Because I love you so much.
~It says my name.
~Yes, it does.
~Mommy, my back hurts. (Do you know how this hurts me?!!)
~It's the kundalini, baby.
~Am I going to die?
~I don't know. Come close to me and give me some kisses a minute.
I don't know what to do. Should I send this stuff to you in the mail?
I AM changing my life. It changes so fast that I don't know what to believe... or what/whom to trust.
By the way, I am unemployed with $300. I am in triage. It will be some time before I receive medication. No coverage, remember? I am suffering. It isn't money that I need. I simply need to know that someone gives a shit. I am lost and can't find my way home.
I am asking that if you ever cared to show it. Like NOW. No, I am NOT sure it's a good idea.
Dear Shaman friend, Kunu, please call me. I am seeing a spiritual healer tomorrow, but I know that you can help me. If you are able, please say a prayer for my lost soul.
Other friends, family, or the like, I am not sure what we are supposed to do, or what I am supposed to think/feel. Just know that I haven't forgotten you. I cannot forget you. But, I want you to know that this "non-love" thing feels WRONG. Everything about this feels just WRONG. It was not all a joke to me. I meant everything. It was all sacred to me, James. Still is. And, I am not well. Please do not mistake my dis-ease as "disappearance" or apathy. Think of me if you can.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
