It's just life

A great man among men has just been taken from us. A bright light has been put out way before its time. A good friend....has ceased to be.

And it strikes me that....I don't even know what that means. Howcome I feel his presence more strongly now than when he was walking among us? And howcome such a goodhearted man of pure intentions is the one who's taken away before his time? Is it to make his light shine even brighter? Somehow I think so. On some level, I think he planned this. It was taking too long and in his passing away is the seed of great things. His vision will move forward. We'll see to that.

Please pray for Jon Grøndal who left us at 1pm CET, today on May the 29th 2007.

Rest in peace and I'll see you later

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While the store where you work was closing up and you had things like cleaning up to do, you stood by me inconspicuously and waited. As I got ready to move over to pack my bags you approached me with a smile on your face and handed my bag over to me - ALL DONE. Then you said "there you go" and smiled.

I have NEVER experienced this before in a supermarket. I'm totally going back to this store.

And you, little sister, rock my world.

Right now: A little tired. No, make that very tired. Collecting my energy. Wondering what choices to make for optimal fun and learning the coming weekend. Wondering what gift to buy my nephew on his 1st birthday. Waiting for the pizza to finish as I couldn't be arsed making something proper today. I want to cook something delicious soon, I can be a kick-ass cook when I want to... Mmmm, something juicy and spicy.

Life? Let me pause a little. Feel that a bit. Sometimes I write the first thought that enters my mind. That's low-quality reflection. There's some movement in my heart. I think it's life. My mind is silent, yet tired. Gratitude comes to mind. Comes to heart. It's a good life. And I've been blessed with just the right amount of suffering. How kick ass is that? JUST RIGHT! Not so little that I'm a spoilt brat, not so much that I want to kill myself or have a bipolar disorder. Just right. Suffering rules. Not when I'm in it of course. But after. It's like lifting weights you know. When you're doing it, you're gritting your teeth, but afterwards your muscles grow a little. If you DO IT RIGHT.

I'm doing it right. No, honestly, I am. That's not to say I do it right all the time, but more and more often. Progress feels rapid. When I screw up, I don't beat myself up anymore. Not much anyway. It's okay. Chalk one up for experience and move right along. It's good to make mistakes. What a breeze. As for that ego thing that has become such a popular topic lately among a group of my friends, the only place I don't feel in control of it is at work. I can get judgemental and pissy there sometimes. Reminds me of important things. It's all good. And then I leave, breathe and take in the sky, the smell of flowers and the smile of that cute girl who blushes as she passes me... and life is beautiful yet again.

I'm eating the pizza now. It's pretty bland. Sort of makes me wonder, when I can make such good food, why do I repeatedly end up eating boring stuff? It's such a struggle sometimes to figure out how to spend my time most wisely, to find out what contributes the most to my life quality. Would I have been happier if I cooked myself a proper dinner and didn't write this blog post? I'll never know. I think it has to do with mastery of my own time. When a mere cosmic blink of an eye has been granted me, I still spend time pissing about. After having spent SO MUCH TIME understanding why that doesn't help me at all. Me, the guy who's supposed to know better. Oh, I'm writing from my head again. Heart's gone. Self-flaggelation does that to me.

Anyway, it's a good life. I was asking myself yesterday why I watch so relatively few movies compared to what I used to. And then I realized that it's because my life is more exciting than most movies. That totally flipped me out. I'm manifesting the life I visualized in my mind's eye many years back. When life wasn't that great. I'm here. It works. And looking ahead, boy...

...great things await around the corner

Can you see them?

I suffer from a contemporary disease that I will henceforth call online narcissism. Symptoms? Checking my private e-mail while at work. Checking if my blog posts have received new comments. Opening any of the multitude of user accounts on different communities to see who has visited me or commented on my posts. I have noticed that the worse my mood is, the more important this process becomes. And it's time to find the cure...

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Some hours I go, I posted a blog entry about my frustration about my job situation. And through the power of blogging, it made me rethink my words. To those of you who aren't blogging - this is what makes it worthwhile: When you write something and release it onto the public, the words gain greater importance to you. It becomes a bigger deal to be incongruent with your own inner compass than if you were just thinking the words. You can fool yourself all the time (we all do), but somehow, the thought of being read and interpreted - and even commented on, makes for better quality self-reflection. [end sales pitch for blogging]

I'm not gonna go deeply into it, but what I realized is that I have remnants of victim mentality in me. It's fading, but it's still there, working its evil plans in my mind and world. Self-victimization is in my experience the single most destructive mental force we can wield on ourselves. It somehow gives us a green card to destroy our own happiness and in extreme cases sanity for the notion that others will see it and empathize or even suffer with us. And I say: WHAT A LOAD OF CROCK. So now, adjusting my thought process yet again, to iron out whatever vague remnants of this poison is still in me. And when that's gone, I'm sure the job thing sorts itself out. In this company or another.

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