It's just life

I have just had one of the most eye-opening experiences of my entire life and I have to write somewhere about it. I started writing in my diary, but I didn't feel good about it. It wasn't potent enough. I sense that the experiences I've had this weekend are so wonderful, so valuable, that I want to put them out here for anyone who may stumble across them.

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There are two primary human emotions: Love and fear. I talked about this in a previous post. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about this in his book The Mastery of Love. On the path of life, are our actions on the track of love or the track of fear? This very basic concept as brought to my attention through Grant Adams' Radical Freedom series (part of his Complete Attractor series) has made me realize with renewed strength one very sad thing: The majority of human beings, probably in the region of 97%, have fear running their lives.

Yes, most people's lives are controlled by fear. Even in love, fear is the dominant emotion. "Do I dare open my heart risking the hurt of being open and vulnerable?", "Does he/she like the way I look?", "How dare he/she point out my flaws over and over?", "I'm too tired, I'll watch TV.", "I'd rather have a beer with the guys", "No, I'm too busy at work". Etc etc. Almost every action of almost every person is driven by fear. A sign of maturity is recognizing the EXTENT to which fear controls us. As my treasured mentor David Deida writes in 'Dear Lover': "Anything but a life of total love, is a life of fear".

...pause...

Wow, this species is in a bit of a state. Why is everyone so unhappy? Sure, smiling faces abound, but the deep yearning for love, for meaning, for surrendering completely to the flow of LIFE is not being met. Almost nobody meets it. We are wasting our lives, not claiming our birthright, not rising up as the towering forces of life, love and consciousness that we are! We spend vast amounts of money trying to fulfill our longing, achieving nothing but filling the very corners of our heart with trinkets, mere ornaments of fear. We fucking WASTE AWAY like rotting leaves in autumn, wailing in mud of our own making. And we remain shut down, numb to the core, layers of armour clenching our weak and frightened hearts. The dreams are long gone, the yearning near forgotten.

Knowing this, when meeting people, how can you meet them with anything but compassion in your heart? How can you feel *threatened* by them? People are suffering! Don't you see it in their faces?? They need you NOW! Open the flood gates of love in your heart and pour it into the mouths of the people who are shouting insults in your face. They're not talking about you, they're talking about themselves. For the love of god, help them! Melt their fear with the unstoppable force of your love.

Please, I beg you...

I hereby declare it my life's purpose to pull myself well and truly out of this cesspit of fear and lovingly drag as many others as possible with me. Noone in my funeral will speak the words "He didn't love fully. He didn't dare completely."

I here and now retake my bodhisattva vow. I'm not insignificant. I matter. And it's time to take responsibility.

Peace

Every so often, I feel that it will be helpful for me to write here on this blog a thing or two in a completely unguarded way about the things that I struggle with or spend a lot of energy on at the time. I've done it a couple of times before and there's a certain therapeutic value in it, so let me discuss the biggie - longing for love.

Now, I'm single and have been so for a long time (most of my life). I have no one to thank but myself as these last years have been years of going inward to sort out all the internal turmoil that was eating up my soul. Relationships were not really compatible with this process, as they tend to put a lot of focus on accomodating to the partner's needs - which can be difficult when you don't know what your own are (where do you think arguments in relationships start?). However, with most of my problems now being worked through, it's time to move my perspective outward.

My life is full and very satisfying and everything seems to be going the right way. It's as if I were at a cross-roads, a rough, depressing landscape behind me and roads of opportunity shooting in all directions ahead of me into the promised land. My practice is deepening, I'm becoming ever more assertive at work, seeing opportunities all around, warming up to the idea of soon being charged with leadership for seeking youth, and discovering ever more facets of truth about myself and the world around me. What's around me looks beautiful - the air is crisp and the sun high in the sky - and there's noone here to see it with me. Truth is, I'm lonely sometimes.

And the questions just start piling up - am I too picky? Am I not looking in the right places? Don't I go out enough? Am I too weird? Do I give too much of myself too early? Should I try Internet dating? Do I need to be more promiscuous and less idealistic? Do I need to drop my idea of One Love?

Maybe or maybe not. As for being picky, if I have to "lower my standards" to the point that I get together with someone altogether unattractive (speaking not only physically) just for the sake of coupling up, I'd rather be single! But I'm not meant to be - not at this stage in my life. And that has little to do with the expectation of society (which labels you a loser if you haven't got it all figured out by thirty - what a loser society), this is my need.

So where are you, love? Where are you, kindred spirit? I'm looking for you - and you, I bet, are looking for me - waiting to dance the dance of Eternity, together as mere reflections of the divine.

Don't worry, I'll see you soon.