Sunday, April 22, 2007 6:10:15 PM
We went away for this weekend to a nice function near Salisbury (Stonehenge area). I had a great time. We got on really well and I really felt like the last few moths hadn't happened! It was such a shame that it all had to come to an end. I could have stayed there forever with him. I was falling in love all over again - It's so easy to do with him for some reason. i can't put my finger on it. Unfortunately, he is not the same with me... God knows what I must do. i want this guy more than anything. His friend kept asking when he was going to propose - not the most appropriate thing to say to him at the moment - I was just standing there thinking, ' I wish!'.
Oh well... it all some came to an end and back to normal once we hit London. There is a family dinner which his Mum and Dad seemed to think I would be coming to. After asking him if this was the case, he replied 'No!' - So back to the shit old ways. I am going to leave him to it for the next couple of days!
Such a great weekend ruined in one breath...
Thursday, April 19, 2007 6:24:23 AM
As quickly as it was there, it was gone! petty subjects got brought up and I was quick to bite. My fault really, I should have known better... The drink didn't help matters though.
Bring on the weekend. We'll make it all better then I hope.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007 7:52:00 PM
Tonight I am seeing him. I am here right now. It has shown promise so far. I cross my fingers and hope for the best. My love for him is certain, I just hope he is on his way to feeling the same about me.
Who knows. The kisses have been there, the cuddles, the reassurances. It is something that will be tested at the weekend. We have an event to attend and we will be staying in a nice hotel.
I hope we have a great time, that changes things for good. Because we are good together. I miss the good times.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 6:53:11 AM
So yesterday I cooled it, only to call him to let him know that I uploaded the pics he wanted. That call was fairly short. I asked him if he got my note I had left for him. He had, and he thanked me and told me that it was very nice.
I have to ride the storm with him if we are to work, I realise that now. It's not going to be easy. somehow though, I feel it's worth it!
Maybe he is confused. I hope that is all it would be. I would be gutted to find out it was another girl. But at this point, if that was the case, I'd be in a better state that if this were all fresh news. Who knows though. Only time will tell!
Monday, April 16, 2007 9:40:08 AM
So the weekend wasn't fantastic. Well parts were good, but as far as my bf and me go, it was very patchy.
I poured my heart out to him yesterday, and as flippant as he was at that moment in time, he seemed to soften up by the end of the evening.
I am keeping my fingers crossed. I so want us to work out, but as you can see from previous entries, that might not be so easy.
Sunday, April 15, 2007 10:06:19 AM
Yesterday was very hard for me... I really felt like I was in a place I shouldn't be. I also felt like I should get the hell out of there, but of course I didn't. The positive side of things was that I watched a fantastic film which I would easily give 10/10 to. It was a German Film called
The Lives of Others. It was captivating and had me hooked through out.
Anyway, I realised yesterday that there is no love in the mind of my bf... I am chasing a lost cause. Although we are going away next weekend, I have to be strong and not contact him. Let him do some running, make him realise that it really IS over instead of constantly meeting etc etc... I feel so very confused. The following weeks will be hard, we have an event next weekend and then we have our birthdays, so realistically, I can't get out of this any sooner than mid May.
In the mean time I think I have to slowly slowly move all of my clothes from his flat... Then when I decide once and for all to go... I will have most things I need and it won't be so hard. Right now, I guess my mind is not made up, so I haven't really made a good enough attempt to finish things for good!
Why must I be faced with this constant confusion.
Saturday, April 14, 2007 3:51:13 PM
So we went out last night for a birthday. it was an ok night. I found out that the club he went to with his sister only apparently turned out to be him, his sister, her bf, his brother and his fiance. So as normal, I am left out! That really hurt me.
Right now, I am sitting in a park on my own. I was with him. I tried to tackle the issue of being left out. But his response was, 'If I could do it again I would. I don't give a Shit.' WHAT IS THAT EXACTLY?
I can't seem to control my tears right now. Things are never going to get back on track with us. He's an asshole and I definately deserve better than him. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I could just move on. I wish me and him had never happened! But it's all happened and I DO love him. He just VERY CLEARLY doesn't love me. I should just deal with it!
Friday, April 13, 2007 7:43:21 AM
What a pain a man can be. I called him last night on the way home from having a drink with my friend. The absolute nothingness! He doesn't care for me, that is obvious. Cutting all ties is probably the best thing to do, but even that is not as simple as it may sound! After 3 and a half years, I can't just 'drop' everything! or can I? Would he even notice I was gone
I haven't even really thought about the other parts of my life so much, except work. It's not going so great either. I thought I was doing well or at least I was told by the director I was doing well. APPARENTLY NOT! According to my manager. I do like my job and I'd really like to make it work. Who knows what it will churn out today.
Thursday, April 12, 2007 11:13:18 AM
So there I war. calling the bf yesterday an hour after he was supposed to have finished work. He answered and said he was still there and he'd call me soon. another hour past and I called with no reply. typically I feared the worst and text him to that effect. I am so worried about him seeing someone else, which I really shouldn't be considering my messed up head right now.
To be honest, if I could make it work with him, that would be my ideal scenario. I think it's only because he's not paying me any attention right now and I feel alone.
I do love him... Very much, but the lack of interest has just taken a toll on me now and I want to feel wanted
Doesn't every girl?
I won't call him today. I think I need to give him space. Like if hasn't had enough already! But after last night, I think it's best. *sigh*
Wednesday, April 11, 2007 11:10:19 PM
So here it is in a nutshell: I have been in a relationship for a few years now. Everything seemed to be going great. Until one day. My bf and I had a tiff. It was stupid, but he seemed to be looking for am argument since he returned home that night. Now that might not have been so major to me if I wasn't due to move in with him 2 weeks later. But if turned around to me and told me that it was a bad idea to move in and that I had to fine somewhere else to stay. I was furious needless to say. I did find somewhere, but a lot further out. Since then, we decided we would take things slowly and give our relationship another go. So far it has been laughable. We have only had sex once in almost 2 months and we can easily go days without speaking to eachother. I didn't mention, but he pulled this stunt days before I started my new job
But I stayed strong and I am pleased to say all is going well.
My problem now is that I am not sure I wanna be with him. When we had our 'break', I was online most of my spare time, and during that time, I met a lot of new people. One of which we have become quite close. But, I am so confused right now, I don't know what I really want. He really seems to like me, but I am not sure I feel the same way right now. If anything I think I like another person I have known for ages online.
This person doesn't know I feel like this. However, I am not so sure it's the best thing to admit to him right now. He doesn't even live in this country
So how is it REALLY expected to work even if he did feel the same way
Bah!
I guess realistically, the only thing I can do is to find out more about this guy and if at some point it feels right, to tackle my demons there and then. *sigh*... Why can't life just be straight forward
My Opera
