Emily Davis

Kansas Wants YOU!

Saturday, December 2, 2006 5:39:45 AM

Are you tired of living where you live? Are you poor? Thrifty? Fascinated by threatening weather phenomena? Would you like to live somewhere else and get the land for free? Sink your teeth into this marbled, meaty haunch of American dreamliness! Move to Kansas! They're begging you!

I thought about it. I really thought about it. I mean, why not? How can you knock a thing until you've tried it? Amelia Earhart was from Kansas. Willa Cather was from Nebraska, and that's practically the same thing.

The problem is that when I think of Kansas, my throat begins to close up and I start to feel a little panicky like I'm the last human on Earth, or like I have amnesia or I've eaten too much MSG. Maybe it's just my lifelong lilapsophobia, but I didn't sleep well the night I read all about the free land in Kansas. I dreamed that I moved there, and was clinging to a disintegrating doorframe as tornadoes ransacked the countryside.

My mom always said that when a thing sounds too good to be true, it's because it is. Sorry, Kansas. I'm scared of you.

Brace Yourself!Bust your gut on this one...

Comments

John..lokutus-prime lokutus-prime # Saturday, December 2, 2006 8:54:40 AM

Well said. I mean, look what happened to Dorothy.

OK, I know she didn't intentionally leave Kansas - a tornado picked her up and planted her down somewhere else and it wasn't in Arkansas.

But she eventually got back to Kansas - didn't she?
So I guess she survived.

And this somehow reminds me of you. You are a survivor.
Kansas would be proud of you.

Never say never.

Richardmusickna # Saturday, December 2, 2006 3:57:37 PM

Although things have turned for the better, it's hard for me to shake off the recent efforts of conservative Kansas Republicans to have 'intelligent design' taught in science classes as a 'scientific' alternative to Darwinism. Challenge the theory by all means, but on scientific not religious grounds.

Still, there has been a nice Democratic wave there since then.

Kansas - not a flat as it seems, particularly in the north-east, but it still strikes me as Christina's World more than anything else.

I prefer Nebraska.

Dillon RobertsDillonRoberts # Saturday, December 2, 2006 6:06:23 PM

Man! There are a LOT of fears out there!
My favorite is Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
It's the fear of long words. Seriously.
I've never been through Kansas. Come to think of it, I've never even met anyone from Kansas! I'm scared of it too now. <Dillon shudders and takes a sip of coffee. mmmmm. coffee....>
"Sink your teeth into this marbled, meaty haunch of American dreamliness."
That is some FUNNY shit Ems. You should write more like that, or do promotional commercials. I'm still laughing.
Peace out momma!

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Sunday, December 3, 2006 5:21:25 AM

I never do, Lo. Thanks for your vote of confidence.

Christina's World is pretty much exactly the Kansas of my nightmares, only with hundreds of skinny, whip-like tornadoes peeling down out of the sky.

There ARE a lot of fears out there. There must be some sort of psychological point to naming the fears. Or maybe it's a hobby for doctors, like stamp collecting.

Dan Alexandrudantesoft # Monday, December 4, 2006 5:14:22 AM

That image is 480 KB in size, because it's BMP (bitmap) format. Try to convert it to JPG, it will download 22 times faster.

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Monday, December 4, 2006 1:51:45 PM

Thanks for the tip! I'm 22 times slower than the average computer user, so that seems about right. Anyway, I'll fix it tonight. Thanks again for helping/stopping by.

Emily

Lagged2Death # Tuesday, December 5, 2006 2:38:04 AM

I hope the state of Nebraska adopts your new motto.

Nebraska: Practically the same thing as Kansas.

Wow, I haven't felt inspired like that since the last time I was in pancake land. Mmm, pancakes.

Have you seen the storm pictures from the Great Plains at extremeinstability.com? I think they're beautiful, but if you're really afraid of storms you may not like them.

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Tuesday, December 5, 2006 2:57:15 AM

Actually, I really liked the pictures on the site. I don't fear storms necessarily, just tornadoes. I was either a tornado victim in a past life, or I watched The Wizard of Oz too many times as a kid. They really freak me out (I have bad dreams about them all the time) but I've never seen one in real life.

By the way, I was once a student at the university mentioned in the first site. We never made pancakes in any of my classes. Then again, I wasn't a geography major.

John..lokutus-prime lokutus-prime # Tuesday, December 5, 2006 9:37:14 AM

I love pancakes. Being a foreigner I never associated them with Kansas but now I see the wisdom in Lagged2Death's second paragraph.

There is a likelyhood now that when I am next scoffing down pancakes, Kansas will loom (is it possible for a flat land to 'loom'?) in to my thoughts.

How strange - I seem to be undergoing a 'Homer Simpson' moment, as I write this, for I imagine myself sitting down somewhere in Kansas surrounded by a tornado of pancakes - pass the maple syrup please.

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Wednesday, December 6, 2006 2:59:16 AM

Ever had chocolate chip pancakes? They'd probably be on my Last Meal menu if I were on death row. Not this kind, though! Speaking of knocking something without trying it- these look revolting! Grocery options like this are one reason Americans are so friggin' fat!

Lagged2Death # Wednesday, December 6, 2006 3:21:53 AM

Holy moly. Those are all kinds of wrong.

John..lokutus-prime lokutus-prime # Wednesday, December 6, 2006 9:28:29 AM

...I am reminded of that quotation of Leslie Poles Hartley's (English Writer, 1895-1972) "“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.” and I aptly paraphrase for the USA's eating habits, i.e. "...the USA is a foreign country; they consume first then worry later, there..."

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Thursday, December 7, 2006 3:26:50 AM

We don't worry- they give us prescriptions for that.

scott cummingI_ArtMan # Saturday, December 16, 2006 1:10:47 AM

a friend of mine used to say "bloom where you're planted."

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Saturday, December 16, 2006 3:34:13 PM

Yes, that's good advice I suppose, but hard to follow for a rolling stone like me. I get restless where I'm planted.

scott cummingI_ArtMan # Saturday, December 16, 2006 7:57:26 PM

come to los angeles then, the land of the restless.

Emily DavisEsme_11 # Sunday, December 17, 2006 9:53:07 PM

I lived there for four and a half years, once. No thanks. I remember thinking one night as I drove around Van Nuys that LA seemed like the place where dreams go to die. I could almost smell them rotting.