My OperaBegging the question?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 1:45:18 AM
Speaking of "coward by trade" I am currently contemplating not finishing the paper. For anyone who doesn't know, this paper was given to me as a second chance by my English professor. She gave me till June 25th to finish it. It was originally part of our class, but then dropped in the last couple weeks for unanimous favor of presentations. So, I did a presentation; in fact, I was the very last person to go: and I was terrible. It was directly after that class that I heard from her that I was going to fail to class, but she didn't want to fail me. So she allowed me to choose a way in which I could be saved by the skin of my teeth. I opted for finishing where I left off with the class paper: she allowed me to. She also said that it would be pass/fail: and that if it was a passing paper, the best she could give me would be a C...or, "just passing." And of course if I fail...I fail.
Even in the face of these near-apocalyptic circumstances, my disillusion of reality is unwavering. My mind is stressing out about it, because it knows it is real, and it is serious. But the rest of me perceives it like it isn't real, like it's not going to happen. Why? This inability to grasp serious issues within me usually gets looked at as heroic in some regards because of my ability to remain stoic in the face of adversity: but it's not true at all. I am so stoic because I am so flawed. My face is not stern because it is strong; it is stern because it does not know how to proceed.
This same problem can be most seen in my inability, or unwillingness to find a job, or work towards getting my license.
I am often a perfectionist in my own work or projects...but why not myself. Why am I not a perfectionist in my ability to function?
The only thing I can come to believe in regards to any form of conclusion is that my perception of the world is skewed. As if I have not yet laid down a ground meaning for what "reality" is for myself to translate my experiences into coherent bits of information.
Time keeps moving on, with or without me. How can I catch up? I need some kind of "perception correction" similar to eye correction for someone with an astigmatism. So where does that lead me? Mental ward? In the end; probably.
-R
Even in the face of these near-apocalyptic circumstances, my disillusion of reality is unwavering. My mind is stressing out about it, because it knows it is real, and it is serious. But the rest of me perceives it like it isn't real, like it's not going to happen. Why? This inability to grasp serious issues within me usually gets looked at as heroic in some regards because of my ability to remain stoic in the face of adversity: but it's not true at all. I am so stoic because I am so flawed. My face is not stern because it is strong; it is stern because it does not know how to proceed.
This same problem can be most seen in my inability, or unwillingness to find a job, or work towards getting my license.
I am often a perfectionist in my own work or projects...but why not myself. Why am I not a perfectionist in my ability to function?
The only thing I can come to believe in regards to any form of conclusion is that my perception of the world is skewed. As if I have not yet laid down a ground meaning for what "reality" is for myself to translate my experiences into coherent bits of information.
Time keeps moving on, with or without me. How can I catch up? I need some kind of "perception correction" similar to eye correction for someone with an astigmatism. So where does that lead me? Mental ward? In the end; probably.
-R
