Ladyhawk's Life

Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you...
I loved you so...
twas heaven here with you.

~Isla Paschal Richardson

He is gone. My angel boy is gone.

I finally had the courage to go to the closet where
I keep Ms. Big Stuff's ashes and opened the letter that came when she was cremated.

It says:

From Biggy:

To those I love and to those who love me,

When I am gone, release me, let me go-
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears,
Be thankful for our beautiful years,

I gave you my love, you can only guess how much you
gave to me in happiness,
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
but now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must,
then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for a time that we must part.
so bless the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away, for life goes on,

So if you need me, Call, And I will come.
Though you can't see me or touch me, I'll b near,
and if you listen with your Hearts, you'll hear
All my love around you soft and clear,

And then, when you must come this way alone
I'll greet you with a smile and say:

"Welcome Home"

I read it to him then sprinkled some of her ashes with him when we buried him.
I miss him so.

Life has left her footprints on my forehead.
But I have become a child again this morning.
The smile, seen through leaves and flowers,
is back to smooth away the wrinkles,
as the rains wipe away footprints on the beach.
Again a cycle of birth and death begins.
~Thich Nhat Hanh


Dear Diary,
This is a weeks worth of entries rolled into one. I lost my diary password and was too befuddled to look for it until now.

Things were better this week than they were last week. I hate to confess this but I am starting to call in at least once every week now. blah!

Probably for it not for my manager being so wonderful I would have quit long ago. She always seems to have my back at critical times and I made sure that I return the favor when she needs it. Somebody in Heaven must be on my side because I have always been blessed with awesome managers. However I am working on keeping my own business on the side. Which is not too easy to do right now. Chunking out time for myself and working around an already full time schedule isn't easy. I started the family on whey protein shakes. They come in choices of vanilla and chocolate and it seems to also fill the void when we tend to skip meals from having a larger meal earlier in the day.

Mom got really sick again and has had to spend the last couple of days in bed so I asked to switch back to part-time for a while. I would be happy with only two days per week. I can't quit outright because I need the insurance for myself and Little Fawn too much and just can't part with the Sam's Club card.

They move me to the door every day and it backs me up to fourteen pallets of freight to work when I get done and by the time I go back the truck has been unloaded and I have seven more pallets to add to it. Don't cry for me Argentina because I will be just fine. Remember, things always have a way of working out. Even though sometimes I tend to forget this.

This week is school book week. I have to get all new books and a new Lesson Planner as well. I need a day planner to take to work with me so I can keep up with what Little Fawn has going on.

I went out to eat last night and my friend was working so she sat down and talked with us for a while. It was fun to play catch up and to see how she was doing since she is due in a few weeks with a daughter of her own.



Had fun burning everything to the other drone hard drive then rebooted laptop back to factory newness, which is cool because it had a lot of stuff when I bought it that Aaron's never loaded or did load then disabled so nobody else could enjoy them. And it gave me a new copy of word again. boo-ya. It re-installed the dvd drive and other programs that were lost in the past few months. What better way to mail market than to save the spammers mail address and send them mass mailings? Anyway it is pretty fun and I wish I could be the fly on their walls when they get them.

I must be on an African email phising website or something because I have gotten letters from 25+people that I have won millions from this week. I gladly repay the favor to them with useless email advertising of my own that I have created just for this special purpose. yes. I am pro-active when it comes to spammers.

I have been working overtime and coming in on off days just to get some big checks. doing good though. I am almost up to $900 in savings. Finances are all about will-power.
you must have will power in order to avoid spending the whole check at work after you get it. Trying to stay 'powerfully aware' on payday is a must! Everything seems to go on sale right before that day. I think I am going to buy a red rubber clown nose for bad days because Monday was nearly lethal. Managers were mad, workers were mad. It was a total fiasco. Women in softlines were like a pack of wolves and I felt like a tiny bunny waiting in the bushes. They slowly got madder and madder as I got bounced from door to door then to the jewelry department to cover other people's breaks then got put on the fitting room answering the phones. That sucked so bad. I cannot work freight and do the door at the same time.

I kind of figured that with the economy in such dire straights, there wouldn't be a lot of shoppers but I was really surprised yesterday at how busy we actually were.
At the end of my shift I took the swiffer around soft lines until I was exasperated and it got me an hour overtime but it was my Friday night so I wanted to get some stuff for dinner then out of there in a hurry. I bought some of Sister Schuberts rolls, which Little Fawn adores with her dinner.

Today was doggie bath and ear cleaning day at the Swiss family Wright household.

The boxer mix that the neighbor gave me is making a great watch dog. I feel really safe knowing that she would bite someone that walked up at night to steal gas or the mower or something.

Restless with the ways of humans and their tricks. I Spent a quiet morning down at the creek. I love it there this time of the year. I laid back and closed my eyes listening to the birds in the trees chirping "who-is-she-who-is-she" to one another as they watched me intently. I followed the path of the spotted fawn I saw last week. He has a nice little sleeping spot tucked away beneath the tall cedars. I see why Buddha kept returning to the river to know peace. To look at it, to feel it, to learn from it, to know it as I know my own soul.
To take pictures of it and observe like myself, it is ever changing. Evolution flows right here beside me. Inside of me. The same leaf never floats by twice. It floats gracefully by going downstream. Occasionally becoming lost in the tide before continuing on it's journey almost as if it could talk. What is it about this place being so cut off from the world yet so soothing, like a mother's womb. I can't say which I enjoy more. The view of the creek on a clear day or the night sky filled with blinking stars viewed from the front porch. One is like breakfast and the other like dinner. I eat them both up. If I could exist only upon these images I would be full for a lifetime. Water is like a healing music to me. The most basic sound in the world and yet the most sought out. If it could be a mantra or a prayer then this would be it. How many people before me have sat at this same location and thought what I have thought? Gazing into the water, "all the voices, all the goals, all the yearnings, all the sorrows, all the pleasures, all the good and evil, all of them together was the world. All of them together was the stream of events, the music of life...then the great song of a thousand voices consisted of one word: Om = perfection" I once asked my Master what is my true nature and I could not see it until now. Here sits my true nature. I am content to grow old sitting by this water's edge for as long as I humanly can. A Boddhi tree and a maple are not that different, Or I will sit until a black bear comes along and eats me. Whichever comes first. All else is insignificant.

The numbskull I call Bubba Gump is back at work and I am trying to make peace with him. Mea Culpa. He would be almost tolerable if he didn't spend 3/4 of his day ridiculing everyone else about how much more superior he is than everyone else. We have already tied into it a few times over random little things. Like his ego. And his inability to love and tolerate anyone around him at work. I would like him to not rob the new people of their innocence just yet. And still there is something in his actions that cries out for a helping compassionate friend so I figure that might end up having to be me. *Lord give me strength*

I surprised Little Fawn by telling her that I am going to church with her in the morning. I want to see first hand about how the people are treating her. She says some of the girls pick on her and ridicule her all the time so if I go maybe they will put a stop to it once and for all.

Well, back to being buried away in my comfort zone.
All is well.

You are Loved.