As good as it gets

My feelings for you are so confusing at the moment. On the one hand, i love you very much and can't imagine not being with you. You all i know. You the father i never had, my protector, my helper, my friend. But. I feel all that love for you, yet i still have immense anger towards you inside of me. Anger and dislike. Sometimes even hate. I've always felt that something was wrong with our relationship. I just could never figure out what. Only now, after so many years, i can finally see why i feel the way i do. You've always been good to me, gave me everything and did everything for me. But there was a price to it. You've always been a very angry person. You kept your anger and hurt bottled up, but that anger would come out every now and then. You release it with hurtful, horrible, soul-scarring words, you release it with your physical strength. Do you know how heavy your hands are? Do you know how roughly you push and pull? Your fingers are like vices around my neck. Worse than that tho, is when you spit in my face. That says so much. That shows total contempt. Hatred. Disrespect. Spitting hurts. Alot. Then tomorrow would come. You'll be so nice. Once again the sweetest words, doing so much for me, praising me, be the best husband ever. You so charming that every nasty word or action you've done is forgotten. Or made light of. Or justified. We've got beautiful teenage kids. Clever, intelligent, really gifts from God. They love you. They fear you. They hate you. They hate that they hate you. They strong tho. They have to be. Altho, quite often they remember. They remember being told that they stupid, worthless, not yours. And they cry. And they want to forget. And it makes it worse. I've tried a few times to leave you. But, you right. I won't make it on my own. I've never been alone. Its a scary thought. Over the past few weeks i've noticed your changes. You seem much calmer. Relaxed. I'm so happy for that. But. For how long?