Thursday, 17. August 2006, 04:23:05
humour, fun
: Today's Reflection is about something lighter...
Life can sometimes be very heavy, serious, important, significant, full of responsible things to do, say, or think. I have certainly been guilty of those on more than one occasion. This is not to say that life does not have those moments and elements. It does. And it is not necessarily about "life" but rather, about our attitude towards what we do, what we have to do, and what each of us is here to do in this lifetime.
And there is often more than one way of "doing life" or approaching a situation, as light or heavy as it is.
:: "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."
:: - Oscar Wilde
So, let's go today towards something lighter. Humour. Laugh. Smile. Taking a breath and a break from carrying the weight of the world on our two shoulders. Stop and drop. It will be there for you to pick up in just a moment. Now is always a good moment to stop taking yourself too seriously.
To assist you, here is a little collection of phrases you can use when a "lighter moment" might be of use. Best applied to yourself of course...
-) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
-) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
-) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
-) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
-) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
-) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
-) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
-) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
-) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
-) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
-) How about never? Is never good for you?
-) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
-) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
-) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
-) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
-) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
-) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
-) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Wednesday, 2. August 2006, 05:03:47
community, solitude, knowing self
: Today's Reflection is about different ways to know yourself.
I just came back from almost two weeks in the wilderness of Northern BC. Camping, hiking, exploring the wilderness, playing with Tobi, getting to know another small part of this beautiful and huge province, and simply taking time to be in solitude. Interesting things one can discover when there are very few distractions and life is simple. There is a lot to be said about noticing my own reactions and thoughts when I am in a tent with Tobi, in some secluded spot in the middle of nowhere in a forest, remembering a story about a 14-feet tall grizzly bear I heard the day before.
:: "When invited to a party, first know yourself.
:: Then, dress accordingly." - Epictetus
Yet, solitude is not the only way to knowing oneself. The other way, perhaps an extreme, is in a community. This following writing (which was written by Jean Vanier), highlights interesting aspects of being a part of a community, with its ups and downs.
"Community can appear to be a marvelously welcoming and sharing place. But in another way, community is a terrible place. It is the place where our limitations and our egoism are revealed to us. When we begin to live full-time with others, we discover our poverty and our weaknesses, our inability to get on with other people, our mental and emotional blocks, our affective or sexual disturbances, our seemingly insatiable desires, our frustrations and jealousies, our hatred and our wish to destroy. While we were alone, we believed we loved everyone. Now that we are with others, we realize how incapable we are of loving, how much we deny life to others.
So community life brings a painful revelation of our limitations. The unexpected discovery of the monsters within us is hard to accept. The immediate reaction is to try and destroy the monsters, or to hide them away again, pretending they don't exist, or to flee from community life and relationships with others, or to find that the monsters are theirs, not ours. But if we accept that the monsters are there, we can let them out and learn to tame them. This is growth towards liberation.
In community life we discover our own deepest wound and learn to accept it. So our rebirth can begin. It is from this very wound that we are born."
I have been fortunate to like both ways, and be able to continuously integrate both into my life. Each brings with it different learnings and lessons. Yesterday, solitude and wilderness. Today, Vancouver and a community of dear friends. Tomorrow? Who knows...
Perhaps the only unfortunate thing about the wilderness are mosquitoes, who are extremely communal creatures...
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Monday, 17. July 2006, 07:18:00
nature, reconnect, reflect, interconnectedness
: Today's Reflection is about Mother Nature.
The part below is written originally by John Milton, who has been teaching these lessons for many years now. At least, I think it is his writing. Tomorrow morning I am off for two weeks of being in the wilderness of Northern BC, and am certainly looking forward to slowing down, reconnecting, and taking the time to be...
The profound healing power of Nature. This healing power comes directly and naturally, without any artifice or complicated treatments, prayers, rituals or ceremonies.
All that is required is a commitment to come alone to Nature's heart, to relax into the silence, and to trust. In living closely and alone with Nature for the first time, most people's initial experiences are of radical slowing down... and of silence. Both are powerful healers. Modern technocratic culture is characterized by ever-increasing pressures for speed, and by almost continuous noise - inner and outer. In our contemporary cultural frenzy to boost our economies, we produce increasingly processed products; we consume increasingly greater quantities of these goods and energy, hoping to fill the gnawing void within we fear to meet. As we feed this growing industrial/technocratic mesh, our natural world is systematically replaced by an artificial one. And in this artificial world, the values of silence and slow, organic rhythms are rarely encountered.
Consider how many millions of years it has taken for our current interconnected web of body, mind and emotions to evolve. And consider what kind of environment supported this evolution, and coevolved with us. The environments were natural ones, where organic rhythms of day/night, moon cycle, solar cycle, constellation cycles were part of us; and we were part of them. Trees, flowers, streams, lakes, ocean shorelines, mountains, rocks, sky, clouds - all of these elements of Nature have been companions in our journey into our contemporary embodiment, and influenced our growth. Now, in a few generations, we have leapt into incredibly new processed environments. Plastics, millions of new chemical compounds, air-conditioned air, fluorescent lighting, artificial food, powerful drugs, glass/steel/plastic housing and transportation units,
alien electromagnetic fields, intense performance stress, speed, environmental pollution of every imaginable kind, breakdown of community/extended family/core family/marriage/children and parent relationships - the list can go on and on. But it is characterized by one thing: the sudden shift from natural, organic, whole, mostly rural environments within which human beingness evolved - to highly artificial, speedy, noisy, crowded and polluted urban centers. No wonder the species is in trouble.
When we drop all our artificial lifestyles, and move back into Nature with simple, open hearts, Nature heals us. Healing happens even if we can only return for a short while. And the healing comes naturally through simple reconnection with the countless ancient relationships our species has always had with all the other living things, with Mother Earth, and with the cyclical energies of the Heavens. Our minds, bodies and hearts move into their ancient harmonies. Time slows into the way the moon fills the night, the way the eagle circles in the sky.
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Wednesday, 28. June 2006, 06:32:07
flying, birds, thermal, ease
...
: Today's Reflection is about a seemingly simple little
: magic that Mother Nature creates for us. Hot air.
Birds have beautiful feathers and lovely songs that bring joy and wonder to us humans. And flight is the feature that probably captures the human imagination more than anything else. For millennia, people have watched birds in the sky and wished they could fly, too.
There are almost as many ways of flying as there are kinds of birds. Albatrosses glide and soar with long narrow wings stretched out, sometimes staying aloft for hours without a single wing beat. Hummingbirds, on the other hand, can't rest their wings for even a second in flight. Woodpeckers have a swooping flight, crows fly in a straight line, and swallows dart and weave every which way. Regardless of their flying habits and patterns, many birds have mastered a much more powerful technique than simply flapping their wings. They use the thermal air currents to help them soar and cover distances, sometimes of thousands upon thousands of kilometers. Thermal air currents - or thermals - develop in places where the air is warmer in one spot than an adjoining area (such as a paved road alongside a snowy field).
:: "A miracle is often our willingness to see the common
:: in an uncommon way." - anonymous
This topic came up in a very recent conversation with a friend, when we talked about being able to "let life flow" as opposed to the usual habit of struggling through the days. We both had a sense of things flowing, effortlessly - at least that day. There clearly are other days too; however the metaphor of the thermals is an appealing one. How do we humans sense the thermals of our days and lives, and allow ourselves to use that external energy to propel us forward and upward? And what is this energy anyway?
Ideas? Thoughts?
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Wednesday, 14. June 2006, 01:27:21
courage, risk, love, inspiration
: Today's Reflection is about a life with, or without,
: safety nets we keep around us.
Leo is a young man who decided that he is ready to leave everything in his current life behind, at least for a while, and go see the world. He is particularly attracted to the life in Paris. The arts, the culture, the 70ies with its poets and artists and the anarchists, in little cafes, discussing the metaphysics and the meaning of life.
While this is very much against the parental advice from his Italian family, he is determined to go. Fine, says his mother, go. Just remember that with freedom come responsibilities. You think you are ready to go? Go! But you are now an adult, fully responsible for yourself.
:: "You have to leave the city of your comfort and go
:: into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll
:: discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is
:: yourself." - Alan Alda
Leo loved Paris. It was all he imagined, and more. The exciting life, the stimulation, the new culture he only heard and read about when he lived in America. The new friends, who were all to happy to share his wine and food, which Leo supplied in abundance.
And then, money ran out. No more free food and wine for friends. The friends have miraculously disappeared, once the free supply of entertainment dwindled at Leo's place. Down to his last few coins, he sent a telegram to his mother back in America, hoping for help: "Starving. Leo." Next day came the reply: "Starve. Momma."
Some years later, when he talked to his mother about this episode and how much of a learning it was for him, his mother said: "It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life." And Leo thanked her for doing what she did.
:: "The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man
:: perfected without trial." - Confucius
I am thinking about how tempting it is, and can be, to play safe in life. Certainly a familiar theme for me. We take carefully calculated risks (and then still call them "risks"). We keep lots of safety nets under each and every step. Travel insurance, backup plan, emergency phone numbers, savings "just in case," spare parts, hotels booked months in advance, and many other safety nets of all imaginable kind.
I wonder... what would a life without a safety net look like?
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Saturday, 3. June 2006, 05:48:43
nature, ecology, interconnectedness, environment
...
: Today's Reflection is about paying attention to a wonderful,
: patient, wise, often-forgiving, powerful and yet fragile,
: teacher of life. Nature.
Picking a leaf off the ground and contemplating it as an object in and of itself is very inspiring. Its shape and color, the way it feels in your hand, its delicate veins and the stem that once held it fast to the branch of a tree - all of these qualities reveal a leaf to be a miniature work of natural art. As we contemplate this small object more deeply and consider where it came from and what purpose it has served, we find that the leaf is one small but essential part of a system that harnesses the energy of the sun, plumbs the depths of the earth, and in the process brings into being the oxygen many living things rely on to live.
:: "Until a man creates something as perfect as a blade
:: of grass, he can only dream of being the master on
:: this planet." - Albert Einstein
A leaf transforms the elements of its environment - sunlight, carbon dioxide, rain -into nourishment for its tree. This beautiful, nearly weightless, ephemeral piece of nature is a vital conduit to the branch that is a conduit to the trunk that is a conduit to the roots of the tree. The roots, in turn, draw nourishment from the earth to feed the trunk, the branches, and the leaves. The living beings that inhale the oxygen that comes from this process exhale the carbon dioxide that feeds the leaves through which the tree is fed. It is difficult to know where one cycle ends and another one begins.
One of the many gifts that nature offers us is a clear demonstration of the interdependence between all living things. The person or a creature who exhales the carbon dioxide, the clouds that produce the rain, the sun that gives light, the leaf that transforms all these things into sustenance for a tree - not one of these could survive without being part of this cycle. Each living being is dependent upon other living things for its survival. When we look at the world, we see that this is not a place where different beings survive independently of one another. Earth is home to a web of living things that are connected to each other through a spinning kaleidoscope of relationships. We need each other to survive and thrive.
:: "This evolutionary pattern [of cooperation and collaboration]
:: has been repeated by countless species, as well as by entire
:: ecosystems, and is now on the agenda for our human species.
:: We will learn to cooperate as a global community or we will
:: live in increased misery and perhaps go extinct in the not
:: so far distant future." – Elizabeth Sahtouris
The more I think about it, the more I see the magic of Mother Nature. I also wonder about how I participate in this planetary game, called Life. I haven't started it - I was placed in it. And there is no way to not play, to not participate. How do I participate really? How do you?
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Tuesday, 16. May 2006, 06:56:58
perspective, dog, worldview, inspiration
: Today's Reflection is about a wagging tail.
A three-legged dog is playing outside in the park, completely oblivious to his (or perhaps her; somehow, dogs are always males for me) sad and challenging circumstance of missing a leg. His tail never stops wagging, and having fun is all he is after. In fact, I don't see many dogs whose tail wags as fast as this one. Whether it is when he is chasing a ball or greeting strangers who pass by, it never stops. I see his missing leg; he obviously couldn't care less. He knows something I don't.
What a metaphor for life! How easy it is for us humans to focus on "the missing leg" and forget that there is so much more to life.
:: "We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises
:: on the paths of life." - Carl Jung
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Tuesday, 2. May 2006, 07:37:36
inspiration, king, environment, metaphor
...
: Today's Reflection is about a warrior king
: in a faraway land. Or is it?
A mighty warrior king. Yes, that's what he was. He knew it, and so did all the neighbouring countries, for they all lost to him and his supremely trained armies. He spent his time training his armies, perfecting his military strategies, and winning wars. One after another. Other kings collected ancient treasures, prized horses, or concubines. He had no need for these. He collected victories. Yet, despite the fact that he already had many, it was never enough. A new war and a new victory would leave the king satisfied only for a short time, and then the excitement would subside and fade away. Time will come for another war and another victory. Then the next, and the next.
But, you see... the king had a secret that nobody knew. Deep down, he often felt alone, and even lonely. Because of his fierce warrior nature, he really didn't have any friends, and didn't know what to do with himself when he was not conquering a neighbouring country, or planning another war. Not even one person to really talk to.
Then, one night he had a strange and vivid dream. In it, he saw a young boy. This boy didn't run away, as did everybody else when they saw the king coming close. Instead, the boy looked at the king, asked "Are you happy?" and smiled.
Even though the king knew it was only a dream, he could not get this simple question out of his mind. It stayed with him, and would jump into mind at various unpredictable moments, as thoughts often tend to do. When working on a plan of a new sophisticated attack on yet another unsuspecting neighbour, when practicing his swordsmanship, and even during battles - the thought would pop to mind, together with the picture of the smiling boy.
At first, the king simply ignored the thought. "It was only a silly dream" he would say to himself. Then, as the thought persisted, he got more and more frustrated, annoyed, and even angry, yet there was nothing he could do to prevent the thoughts from appearing. Eventually, he started thinking about the question, and once even asked himself out loud, "Am I happy?" - of course, after making sure there is nobody around that could hear the king talking to himself.
"This was a quick and easy battle," thought the king to himself, as he was riding his horse back to the palace. It was indeed, for the enemy was not prepared for the swift attack by the king and his selected troops and their resistance was squashed almost instantly. The battle was barely over, yet the excitement of another victory was disappearing already. The king felt tired, disillusioned, and irritated. "I need to find something else to do."
He noticed a little creek through the edge of the forest and turned towards it, thinking of the refreshing cold water on his face. He got off his horse, and as he was about to kneel down, he noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye. Right there, to his right, in between the trees...
Quietly, step by step, he sneaked in closer, while remaining hidden from view. As he carefully moved the bushes aside, he saw an opening between the trees. In the center of it, there was an old man. He was wearing strange robes, and certainly didn't look local. He was moving in circles, with his arms spread to the sides, occasionally touching a tree or bending to put a hand on the grass. It looked like an odd ritual, or perhaps a weird dance. The king could hear him chanting in a foreign language.
"What is it you are doing here?" asked the king, as he stepped into the center.
The old man finished the last circle and stood facing the king. "There is war on this land," said the old man, "and the land is suffering. Animals are being killed for food, trees are being cut for fires, and water is being polluted with blood of the innocent. I am performing an ancient ceremony which helps the land heal."
"Not much help you are, aren't you?!" smirked the king. "I am coming back from yet another war."
"Yes, I know," replied the old man. "There is only me here. I could certainly use some help. After all, what can one old man do?"
"Are you happy?" The thought popped up again into the king's mind. He looked at the old man, who - despite the enormous task he was faced with - looked peaceful, serene, almost smiling, and... perhaps even a little happy...
"Well, old man" said the king. "Guess what?! I am a king, and I am going to help you with your task."
"Ohh... thank you for your offer," replied the old man. "It is most kind of you. But you see... you cannot. A warrior cannot be a peacemaker."
Never in his life has the king felt rejected before. And by who? Some strange old man, who dared to say no to the greatest warrior of his time?! As his hand instinctively reached for the sword, the image of the smiling child crossed his eyes again. "Are you happy?" As the king stared into the old man's eyes, they suddenly looked like the eyes of the boy in his dream. Peaceful, gentle, yet radiating something extremely powerful in a way the king never felt or experienced before.
His hand froze on the tilt of the sword, and then gently moved away, as if guided by its own will. "Will you... will you teach me?" quietly asked the king. It was almost a whisper, yet the old man heard it and smiled again. "I will be happy to. This land needs all the help it can get, and the time is short."
With these words, the old man moved to face the king and stared deeply into his eyes. "I see that you have been engaged in a battle. It is all over you. I see it on your clothes, and I see it in your soul. The first thing to do is to brush the war off of you." He started chanting rhythmically in a strange language, while circling the king and moving his hands as if they were wings, occasionally touching the king's clothes. The king felt like he was being showered with waves of wind and sound, touching his clothes, skin, as well as penetrating deep into his body.
The chanting stopped. The king stood still, feeling lighter and stronger, yet somehow uncomfortable. It was like a veil has been removed from his heart, and he was beginning to see and feel parts of himself he has not known for a very long time. The old man stood facing him again, this time holding three necklaces with colourful stones in them. "These are special stones that hold ancient powers," he said. "They were given to me by my teacher, who received them from his teacher. Carry them with you and use them wisely."
He put the first necklace, with a red stone, around the king's neck, saying "With this stone, I release the pressure in your chest. You are feeling tight in your body from the wars and struggles, so I release you from that."
He took another necklace, this one with a blue stone, and gave to the king. "With this stone, I remove the tears from your eyes and heart that you have been crying because of all the people lost in the war."
Putting the third necklace around the king's neck, this one with a green stone, he said "With this one, I release your voice, so that you too can start speaking for peace."
He then said to the king, "Now, go and bury your sword, so that we can put our minds and hearts together to see what kind of a world we can leave for our children."
Time has gone by, and wars stopped in the land of the king. The king was not looking for more battles to win, for he had more important things to do. The old man has passed away, and the king was very busy continuing his work of healing the land. Lots had to be done, and the king had his hands full with the many aspects of bringing peace into the Nature, as well as into the hearts of his people.
One night, the boy from his old dream appeared again. He just sat there, smiling yet saying nothing, looking at the king. And the king saw himself, in the dream, saying "I am now."
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Tuesday, 18. April 2006, 05:13:33
reciprocity, nature, principle, tao
...
: Today's Reflection is about one of the more ancient
: laws of the Universe - reciprocity.
Just about now, or perhaps a moment ago, a very old Russian folk saying came to mind. It speaks of the echo in a valley, saying that as you send it out, thus it will come back to you. An ancient principle of our universe, this phenomena. Reciprocity. Confucius said that all of his teachings could be wrapped up into one word, which is "reciprocity," giving back what we take. "What you sow, you shall reap" is written in the Upanishads.
It would be interesting to see what we sow as individuals, and collectively, and what kind of a harvest do we reap as a result. I recently came across several interesting facts (courtesy of YES! Magazine, Winter 2005 issue):
- Percent of female representative in the national legislature in Rwanda: 48.8
- Percent in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan: 21.6 Percent in the US: 14.3
- Percent by which Abbott Labs increased the price of a month's supply of the AIDS drug Norvir in December 2003: 500 (to $250)
- Percent Abbott CEO's bonus increased weeks later: 40 (to $1.75 million)
- Tax bill for oil and gas company Nabors Industries in 2001: $83.7 million
- Tax bill in 2003 after Nabors reincorporated in Bermuda: $8.5 million
- Number of US oil and gas company subsidiaries incorporated in Bermuda: 126
- Number of beauty products, out of 72 studied, found to contain phthalates (toxic chemicals): 52
- Amount of these products that list the offending chemicals on the label: 0
- Amount Iraq is paying Toys R Us in reparation resulting from Iraq's invasion of Kuwait: $189,449
- Amount Iraq is paying Phillip Morris: $1.3 million
- Amount Iraq is paying Halliburton: $18 million
And I wonder how would the law of reciprocity apply here, and what would the consequences be...
:: "Hands grasp, but also give.
:: Mouth tastes, but also speaks.
:: Nose breathes, but also smells.
:: Eyes see, but also show.
:: Ears hear, but also balance."
:: - Deng Ming-Dao, Teachings of Tao
These parts of our body teach us to not be selfish, to both give and receive. The interesting thing here is that these are our five senses, through which we experience the world around us. They function on the same law/principle of reciprocity, which is inherent in their very character.
If our senses are so noble, shouldn't we?
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
Tuesday, 4. April 2006, 06:39:53
Self, solitude, self-love, relationship
: Today's Reflection is about the importance
: of time with the Self. Yes, with the capital 'S'.
First, I must admit. I had a completely different idea for this week's Reflection. Yet, as the evening approached and I finished everything else, I am suddenly feeling tired. Therefore, the original idea is going to wait till the next one, or perhaps simply till next week. In the meantime, I stumbled upon the following, which - although I didn't write myself - I wish I did. I don't know who the original author is; if you do, please let me know so that I can mention the appropriate credit.
Here goes...
We tend to guard what we hold valuable. And tend to leave unattended what we do not value. The degree to which we guard or leave something unattended often reflects its valuation. At least in our eyes. More than beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
What is thought to be of value is something that generally has a currency and consequently can be traded so that what we value can bring us something else we value. Much in social life is also a transaction based on value. "I'll love you if you'll love me back."
Gold, diamonds, computer chips, world peace, and the kid next door's bicycle are the kind of things we generally value. What is often overlooked and almost universally within our grasp is the value of solitude.
Solitude is not suffering through an evening with our own company but taking the time to make a good neighbor of our company. Many of us don't value our solitude. Many of us will do anything, even suffer bad company, to avoid our own company. To many of us solitude simply means we can't get a date. Not that we have made one with ourselves.
Coming to one's own company is something that many of us only arrive at kicking and screaming. If you asked people how they felt about an evening at home alone with themselves, a fair number of the honest ones would answer: "Boring." The dishonest answer in the main would be: "I would love an evening at home by myself but can't ever seem to find the time." Which translated means: "So boring I have no intention of finding the time."
Most of us move from the company of families, to dating, to relationships without ever passing through solitude. The experience of solitude is not taught in schools. What passes for solitude to most people is the sense of being left out, or not fitting in, or feeling alone in a crowd. Coming to the pleasure of one's own company is very different than personal or social estrangement.
Almost every great religious figure has had their time "in the desert." Solitude almost always precedes a personal spiritual epiphany. It's easier to get lost in a crowd than to find ourself.
Coming to the pleasure of one's own company isn't anti-social. In fact it is the opposite. Those who are not comfortable with their own company are never comfortable with others. Little makes us better company than being comfortable alone. Many of us looking for someone special in our life have never met the most special person in our lives. Ourselves. This doesn't mean we're more important than others. It does mean that we can't really be in a positive relationship with others until we've firmly established a relationship with our selves. There should be a rule that none of us can get engaged until after we've "gone steady" with ourselves.
Just for the record, coming to the pleasure of our own company isn't narcissism. The basis of narcissism is self-hate and low self-esteem. Needing to always tell ourselves how great we are is a neon sign flashing: "We don't think we're that great." In solitude we discover that other's can't treat us "right" until we're used to treating ourselves properly. No one else can say they love us and it mean something to us, until we can say it to ourselves. People try to take a shortcut on this all the time. And it doesn't work. No one else can give us what we don't think we deserve to give ourselves.
In solitude and self-reflection we discover that others are always trying to pass off their anger and looking for someone who will help to carry to it. But others can't give us grief unless we think we deserve to give it to ourselves. So the next time someone wants to hand you their anger, perhaps try saying this: "Excuse me, I think you've misplaced your anger. It's not mine. It must be yours. I'm not angry with you for handing it to me. But I can't take something that isn't mine. It wouldn't be honest."
What people often say they want, or they feel is missing, in a relationship is honesty. But most of the lurid and gossipy forms of dishonesty are generally causally preceded by an altogether different form of dishonesty. People who have no idea who they really are or people who haven't accepted themselves cannot be in lasting relationships with partners who they haven't accepted for who they are and who themselves have no idea who they are. This kind of dance has everybody stepping on everybody's toes. Sadly this isn't about bad people but people who simply haven't ever spent enough time in their own company. The world would be a better place if we spent less time calling others liars and spent more time taking an honest look at ourselves.
"A good marriage," wrote the poet Ranier Maria Rilke, "is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude." Many of us come to relationships without our solitude intact. Growing solitude in a relationship is very different from growing to feel alone in a relationship. Relationships strangle the participants if our need for solitude is not allowed to breathe. This is not an argument for separate vacations but the simple respect of each other and each other's space in time and space.
A partner who wants you to grow into whoever you are becoming has a much better chance of being your partner when you get there. A partner who doesn't shy from not meeting your expectation and is more interested in meeting their own expectation is a partner you can expect to be honest. A partner who isn't afraid of being alone, or being left alone, is not in a relationship out of fear but out of choice. And is a whole different kind of partner.
The best way to be a lover is to begin by being a friend. Certainly when friendship leaves a relationship love soon leaves by the same door. There are life-long friends who are not lovers but few life-long lovers who are not friends.
Not just lovers but real friends also guard each each other's solitude. Friends, like lovers, aren't homogenized relationships. They are made up of people who are friends first to themselves. When we are a friend to our self we can move into real friendships. And not until.
Inevitably things happen in friendships that strain the relationship. To honor those differences is a reflection of our ability to embrace the different parts in ourselves that argue with ourselves. To guard who we are is to guard all of us, our whole mix of "me." Friendship first requires self-friendship and to be a guardian of another's solitude require us to first stand guard over our own. Friends and lovers who share solitude have the pleasure of both company and self. Nice company if you can get it.
"The primary distinction of the artist," wrote the author James Baldwin, "is that he must actively cultivate that state which most men, necessarily, must avoid: the state of being alone." If feeling alone could alone make us an artist, the world would be filled with Picassos. The essential difference is that artists are people who seek out aloneness. Artists are people who know that aloneness is the canvas of all real work. Any of us who have the courage to face our blank canvas have good work and works of art ahead of us.
While the value of most things is established by their limited nature there is something backward and missing in this valuation. Air is everywhere and yet what is the value of a gulp of air to someone who is dying from drowning? Water is everywhere and yet what is value to someone who is dying of thirst? Everyone has felt alone and yet what is the value to someone who is dying for their own company.
Take a moment to learn how rich you are. Value your own company. Come to the pleasure of your own company. Know the wealth of knowing you. What is it in you that makes you YOU?
A sunny week to you all, inside and out.
Simon
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