The Dark Furie

It's coming on christmas,
They're cutting down trees,
And putting up reindeer,
Singing songs of joy and peace.
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
But it don't snow here,
It stays pretty green.
Gonna make a lot of money,
Then I'll quit this crazy scene.
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
Oh, I wish I had a river so long.
I'd teach my feet to fly high.
Yeah, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
I made my baby cry.

She tried hard to help me.
Yeah, she put me at ease.
She loved me so naughty,
Made me weak at the knees.
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
I'm so hard to handle.
I'm selfish and I'm sad.
Now I've lost the best baby
That I ever had.
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
I wish I had a river so long
I'd teach my feet to fly.
Oh I wish I had a river.
I made my baby say goodbye.

It's coming on christmas,
They're cutting down trees,
And putting up reindeer,
Singing songs of joy and peace.
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

I think that the reason I prefer this song to other Christmas songs is that it portrays the Christmas that I know.

In my hometown the bar owners all knew that there was one person in town who'd be willing to work on Christmas Day, and they'd regularly hire me from 10am through til 4pm on that day for what amounted to triple time. Including tips I could usually walk away with a couple of hundred pounds on Christmas Day.

However, those six hours were usually the most depressing of the year as I'd see the side of Christmas that is normally hidden away behind all the decorations and gift buying. I'd see the people far away from home, the people without families, the people in the sheer depths of despair.

This is a wonderful time of year for most of us. We get to buy presents and write lists to Santa. But for many people this just enhances the pain they're feeling. And this is the side of Christmas I've seen for most of my life. The side that this song captures perfectly.

So goes my all time favourite Christmas song, Joni Mitchell's River. I think what defines this song for me is that it's obviously set at Christmas time yet it isn't the usual sugar-coated crap that we get force fed almost constantly at this time of year. River starts out with a piano extract from Jingle Bells, which is repeated throughout the song keeping the theme of Christmas ever present. As the lyrics describe typical Christmas events like decorations and carols they push through the despair that so many of us feel at this time of year; the feeling of loss that so many people hide throughout this season. There's real pain in the lyrics, which is usually portrayed audibly by most of the people who've covered it.

While Joni released this on her 1971 album, Blue (an album that has consistently been named one of the best albums ever) and performed it so well that so many others have wanted to cover it, I personally don't find it to be a particularly feminine song, and don't feel it suits her voice. Hmmm, that sounds a little strange, doesn't it? Basically I mean that it's a song that seems better with a male voice providing the lyrics, in my opinion at least. As such I've not only provided a link to download the original version of the song, but I'm also giving you guys a link to my favourite version of the song, sung by Robert Downey Junior, surprisingly, originally for a Christmas special on Ally McBeal. The guy just has the right voice for the song and seems to understand it well enough to put the right emotional inflection on the lyrics.

Anyway, that's my favourite Christmas song. Give it a listen and it may just reach you too. It's perfect for when you're fed up of all the overly cheerful forced Christmas spirit, so I suggest playing it from October onwards next year.

Wow! The United Nations contacting me. I'm so honoured!

I wonder how much my cheque will be for? I'm so excited that I'm going to e-mail this guy straight away.

Oh look! Satan just ice-skated past me on his way to work while a flock of pigs flew overhead...

Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon
UNITED NATIONS / ZENITH BANK COMPENSATION UNIT.

Attn:Sir/ma.

How are you today hope all is well with you and your family?You may not understand why this mail came to you,But i will implore you to take your time to carefully go through this mail.

We have been having a meeting for the pass 7 months which ended 4 days ago at our office head quarters New York(UNITED NATIONS). This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world,

The UNITED NATIONS IN Affiliation with ZENITH BANK have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$ 100,000.00(One hundred Thousand Dollars).

This includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc. We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you,this have been agreed upon and have been signed. You are advised to contact Mr Jim Ovia of our paying center in Africa,as he is our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for your Cheque/ International Bank Draft of USD$100,000.00.

This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose ok? so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice. Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number your correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft to you.

Contact Mr Jim Ovia immediately for your Cheque:
Person to Contact: Mr Jim Ovia
Email: jimovia100@gmail.com

Thanks and God bless you and your family. Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your Bank Draft. Making the world a better place.

Regards,
Secretary-General
Ban Ki-Moon.
http://www.un.org/sg/

You know the main problem with creating a blog theme from your phone?

It's not the fact that you have to wait for your network to be performing well before you can upload a photo that doesn't look buggy. It's not the fact that what you see isn't always what you get. It's not thumb strain or eye strain. It's not even the fact that no matter how well you do it, most PC users will look down their noses at "the little phone blog" even if they haven't the skill to create a CSS for themselves.

No, the single largest debilitating factor in creating a blog theme using your phone is T9 predictive text, as you can see from the attached image which is the result of a fullstop instead of a semi-colon.

This is a photograph of a new application coming to iPhones soon (but only if the networks allow it on their version of the App Store). Finally those phones are going to have the ability to send and receive MMS (but only to other iPhone users who have the same application, in the first build) so I can finally stop taking the piss out of them for being behind the times, right? Right?

Wrong. If you're going to make a big deal about bringing the iPhone technologically back in sync with other phones then surely you'd be better off choosing a decent screenshot to show off your application with. After all, the iPhone user who is receiving those MMS must be the only person on the planet who didn't know that Obama would be the next United States President on November 15th 2008.

Behind the times? That'll be the iPhone.

I need a favour from as many of my readers that use PCs as possible, please.

I want you guys to put up the pixel measurements of the viewing window you have in your web browsers. If you're not sure how to do that, I've got a quick and dirty way to figure it out.

• Press <Print Screen> on your keyboard to take a screenshot.
• Open Paint.
• Click Edit then select Paste and click that to put the screenshot into Paint.
• Use the box tool (top right of the menu sidebar) to outline the viewing window in the browser, cutting out all the toolbars etc
• Click Edit then select and click Cut.
• Click File then select and click New. Don't bother saving what you've done so far.
• Click Edit them select and click Paste to print the cut-out bit into the new file.
• Now move your cursor to the bottom right and the image and note down what the numbers in the bottom bar say.

Those are the numbers I'm after. And trust me I wouldn't be asking if it weren't important. The more of you that can give me that measurement, the better for fitting my mind control techniques on screen. Thanks in advance guys, girls and half-human half-animals.