The Dark Furie

With so many things on the web that annoy me, I thought it'd be fun to put together a top ten list of the annoyances on the web. And wouldn't you know it, they're almost all people in some way or another.

10) Super Fan
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, its someone who wont shut up talking about how great a mediocre celebrity is to the point that they may as well be adolescent girls with boy band posters on their wall. The latest super fans at the time of writing this are under the mistaken idea that Megan Fox can act and that Twilight was a good film. That alone says how awful this group is.

9) The Depressed
"Sigh", "I'm so sad today." and "Why can't anything go right?" are the trade of this person. Yeah, we all have bad days, but we also all have good days too. When your microblog or status history are full of sentences like that then you're either just looking for pity or you're a bad weather friend who only comes online when they're having a bad day.

8) The Blatant Fantasist
Usually a woman, this person spends every minute of every day blogging about how fabulous their life is. They blog about the picnic they took their kids yesterday despite being online all that time, the high paying job their wonderful husband has despite you never seeing photos of him, micro-blog constantly about their dilemma over which holiday home they own that they should visit next and spend hours redoing web tests until they've got the results they deem to be best. Yeah, we get it, life is hard for all of us and we all need an escape occasionally but do you really see yourself making friends if all you do is lie?

7) The Self Promoter
"Hi this is a good blog. Visit my blog on the following link." We've all had comments like that eh? Yeah, we all appreciate visits from new people but, if they're not actually going to read our posts and are blatantly just pasting in an advert for their own pages, then they're using us. We check out their recent visitors lists and find the exact same comment on their pages too.

6) The One In A Million
Usually found in forums and tech places, this web user counts themselves as more important than others. Not only will they not bother to check if a problem has been reported before, they'll put their report in bold or CAPITALS (or both) just so it stands out from the rest of the crowd. In a blogging environment this person can be combined with The Daily Edition to become the single most annoying person to ever visit your blog.

5) The Porn Baron Wannabe
Okay you've uploaded an incestuous photo of your sister/girlfriend ("Sirlferd" from now on) in a thong to your site and want everyone to know that you have sex with her. Good for you! But why do you feel the urge to repeatedly post the link everywhere you go, over and over again? Why is it so important that more and more people see your Sirlferd? Why does the second picture show the same girl but in a completely different living room? Oh, you have two do you? Hey, wouldn't it have been a better idea to remove the site address watermark before you uploaded and tried to pretend she's your Sirlferd? By the way, why did you think a news article about online banking was a suitable place to post that link?

4) The Stone Bleeder
"Wow, I just read that Michael Jackson is dead and I've had a brilliant idea. I think I'll copy and paste every news article about it into my blog, then I'll take every photo of him that I can find and post them. Individually. One by one. In seperate posts. Until my blog is the only thing you can find on the search engines when someone searches for this one event, as well as the only thing that shows on the site-wide recent posts roll. Oh look, Farrah Fawcett died too that day. I've just had another brilliant idea..."

3) The Paid Blogger
"Best Solution!!! Free Membership!!! Join Now!!!" Thankfully this sort has moved on to microblogging for the most part now, but they're still annoying there. Can't they at least put some effort into their paid spam rather than copying and pasting the same old crap over and over? A subset of these is the Political Blogger who, rather than selling a product, is selling a political ideal... by copying 32 pages of a document then pasting it into every page it sees as a comment, effectively blocking access to the page for anyone else.

2) The Daily Edition
This person comments on your page with information that isn't related to the current subject at all but that they've found interesting and so they think everyone must know. When going on or returning from a holiday they'll visit all the people they've decided are their friends and announce it to them in the same pasted comment. Their friend (who you've never spoken to or met) has something interesting happen and they'll be spreading the news for them. And should a real news story enter their narrow field of vision, they'll blog about it as if they were the first to know it and spread it via microblogging and status updates, usually without checking facts.

1) Celebrity Microblogging Cults
Oprah Winfrey makes between 3 and 5 updates on Twitter per month, mostly pushing upcoming shows or saying she's added a celebrity as one of her 12 friends. At the time of writing this she has 2,083,158 followers. What does following this woman add to these people's lives???

Seriously, what is the deal with that? I can tell people I'm proud of both centimetres and they'll laugh along with me, never once assuming I'm being honest (and hiding my shame through humour ) about it. But should an angry ex-girlfriend, who is well known for telling lies about anyone who dares split up with her once they find out that her personality really is a collection of the most evil traits known to man (the sort that owns Murder She Wrote on DVD for example) start saying stuff like that, then it's taken as truth immediately by her peers, even though they know damn well that she lies in these situations, and even though a week before she was boasting about the guy's size and it has somehow lost three metres in combined area since then according to her story. It's the curse that men everywhere have to face.

The thing is, women find it funny to do that, never once thinking of the hypocrisy they're breeding into each other. What if guys did that sort of stuff to you? What if we told people that we broke up with you because your vagina creeped us out by looking and smelling like Mickey Rooney dipped in mustard? What if we joked amongst ourselves about women with small cars compensating for gigantic buckets they carry around in their panties? What if you were the cute little cartoon up there, drowning your sorrows in a cartoon club with a drink and a wink and lamenting the fact that you have no arms?

The revolution is coming, men are already burning their boxers and walking around liberated down there. One day there will be a reckoning, and those of you with breasts will find that your lies will come back and take photos of their liberated selves in your mouths as you sleep. So say all the men in the world!

It's a beautiful day.
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day.
Don't let it get away.

Thanks go to Moe for this wonderful news.

We woke up today to find that Kim's grandmother had suffered a heart attack in the night and been taken to hospital. She's better now and resting comfortably, but being kept in for observation and testing over the next few days. Obviously this turn of events means we're probably not going to have much time to write posts for a while as we concentrate on real life, so I just wanted to let my readers and friends know that we're both going to be here only sporadically for a little while.

Basically we'll still be here on and off and may comment on things or even joke around with you, but please don't be offended if we don't comment on your posts. Also, while we both have some posts ready to put up, these can run out quickly and our pages may go quiet all of a sudden, so we didn't want anyone to worry.