Dark Furie - The Dark Furie - Posts tagged by "food".

Posts tagged with "food"

Xmas Food - A Little Bit Of Rudolph

Wednesday, December 21, 2011 12:01:59 PM

I love food. Yeah yeah, you knew that about me. What you probably didn't know is that I've gone out of my way to eat as many different things as possible in the past. If I hear about something I've never tried then I usually want to give it a try, especially if it was once playing with a ball of string... Of course, there are things that even I wont eat...

...and some that I will. Venison is incredibly good for you and tastes beautiful. It can replace beef in most recipes and most who try it prefer it. Give it a try folks.

I actually found this wonderful tin a couple of years ago and planned to use it as part of a series of Christmas posts yet haven't been able to fit it in these past years. This year however, there is a little bit of a story attached to it which gives it precedence. This reindeer pâté has been on sale for a few years with little incident yet has only this year hit the attention of the moral majority on the internet. In case any of you are unfamiliar with the moral majority, they're the ones who are exceedingly vocal about the way things should be and what everyone else is doing wrong, all the while beating their wives, ignoring their kids and getting as drunk as possible before driving. We've all met a member of the moral majority and know them by their constant bloody whining about how things should be different for everyone but them.

So the moral majority have found out that reindeer pâté is on sale and being advertised as a relative of Rudolph. I'm pretty sure these people would have been fine if it were just regular old venison pâté (which it is but rebranded for this time of year) but the idea of their favourite reindeer X-Man (with a nose like that he has to be a mutant) being spread on crackers was too much for them. "It's a disgrace" they roared much as they do about everything that they have never taken the time to understand such as evolution or maths... The moral majority rose up and started shouting about how wrong it was to have reindeer pâté with cries of "Wont somebody think of the children!" and claims that the way the venison is harvested from deer is cruel. Yeah, because the way other meats are harvested from animals is totally kind and leaves them unharmed and living on a farm upstate...

Now if you're like me you've already guessed the end of this tale. If not, prepare to be enlightened. The extra publicity caused by the moral majority fighting against this "evil, Christmas-killing company" has caused their reindeer pâté to sell out worldwide. Not a single online retailer has any stock left and the company that makes it can't fulfill orders until January.

If you're one of the lucky ones who got some of this stuff in, may I suggest serving it with a little cherry on top to represent a red nose. It adds a lot of atmosphere to the snack. If you're one of those who fought against it, you're on the naughty list now.

60 comments

Wrapping Up Smokers

Monday, November 22, 2010 12:17:26 PM

my life, food, news

The United Kingdom government is fighting a fierce battle against the tobacco companies, doing everything short of helping people to quit smoking (a move that would both cost money and cut into the precious taxes gained from tobacco companies and smokers) in their efforts to look good to other countries. Governments eh? The latest strike in this raging war is a strike against the fashion sense of smokers themselves as the government is considering forcing all packs to be moved to a single uniform brown or grey colour so that the colourful packets don't attract youngsters to start smoking in the first place.
"We have to try new approaches and take decisions to benefit the population. That's why I want to look at the idea of plain packaging." says Andrew Lansley, the UK Secretary of Health, "The evidence is clear that packaging helps to recruit smokers, so it makes sense to consider having less attractive packaging. It's wrong that children are being attracted to smoke by glitzy designs on packets. We will shortly set out a radical new approach to public health in a white paper. We want to go further and faster in improving the health of the nation based firmly on doing what the evidence tells us works."

Yeah, because we don't want bright colours attracting children to a potentially fatal, lifelong addiction, do we?

Still, at least that company hasn't taken cheap measures to try and appeal to older consumers in one way or another, unlike the evil tobacco companies. Anyway, the point is I'm on both sides of this argument. As a smoker I totally agree that we should be doing everything possible to stop kids from starting smoking. For starters I'm sick of brats asking me to buy them a pack of smokes whenever I go to the shop, and I'm sick of my brand running out too. But here's the problem, lots of shops these days have non-smokers who work there and they're legally not allowed to specify someone has to be a smoker to get the job. This means that when I ask for a pack at a shop where a non-smoker is working I'm constantly having to guide them around the display to the pack I want. It's like a voice operated version of those old arcade claw machines - "Left a bit, down three rows. Stop! No, stop!!! Up two rows. That's left, you need to go up. That's the row, now go across to the right twice. No, you've gone up as well!!! Go back down to where you were and then go right by a single pack. That isn't where you were. Are you fucking with me? Get me a smoker to serve me, dammit!!!" I'm not kidding you, that happens every single time I try to buy a pack of smokes from a non-smoker. So yes, this plan may cut down on new smokers (even though so many people started smoking back when cigarettes were sold in plain brown paper packets, and so many buy loose tobacco with no wrapping at all these days), but the stress caused to those of us who already smoke will increase our intake (if we can ever buy a packet) by enough to keep the tobacco companies rolling in cash and the government in enough smoking taxes to let them try another zany plan.

I wonder if they'll get around to targeting Ronald, who is a massive threat to children's health, in the same way?

67 comments

Stockfish Karma

Saturday, November 20, 2010 3:00:48 AM

food, news, online

Ever heard of stockfish? I hadn't until recently either but it turns out that it's not a website for browsing stock prices as the name seems to suggest. Rather stockfish is unsalted fish that has been dried out in the sun on wooden racks. This method of drying fish gives it a lifespan of several years and is very cheap, if a little smelly. Stockfish is extremely popular in some countries as it is apparently an excellent stock for soup (hence the name I suppose) when boiled, and is so in demand that many people are willing to pay upfront for it. A British man has been taking advantage of this in Iceland recently by promising delivery of bulk amounts of stockfish, taking payment in advance and then delivering a product far below the quantity and quality he had promised.

The man buys two containers of the lowest quality stockfish for a very low price then splits the contents into four containers marked as being the highest quality stockfish. Each time he pulls this single con he comes away with 200,000 (two hundred thousand) British pounds profit and the people he has conned are left severely out of pocket. And that's where things get interesting. Rather than targeting the savvy Icelandic merchants, this man is exclusively targeting Nigerian stockfish merchants who have come to Iceland to get a deal on the product. He's scored with this scam so many times that the Nigerian ambassador in Iceland has brought the case into the public eye and is appealing to the police to stop his countrymen from being scammed by this man.

There's a problem there though. The British man currently resides in Gibraltar which has no extradition treaties with either Iceland or Nigeria. Furthermore the crimes are committed against Nigerian residents and the actual crime is only committed when the merchants return to Nigeria meaning he has technically broken no Icelandic laws. However I have a way for Nigeria to get their hands on this man and put an end to his evil scams, but before I put this plan into action I'm going to need the Nigerian government to arrange payment to me of every single amount of money their piece of shit residents have promised me via badly spelled e-mails in an attempt to fucking scam me and take my money!!! Yeah, that's right Nigeria, this is fucking karma and you will continue to be scammed while you're as stupid as you erroneously believe the rest of the world to be.

16 comments

The Furie Salute To Bacon

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 2:19:22 PM

food, news, online

The Early Learning Centre (a British shop that sells "educational" toys aimed at helping children develop vital skills) is at the centre of a media storm this week and it's all because of the image over on the right. Can you spot the difference between the two farm sets? Go on, have a look and I'll let you know when you're done. Hint - it's nothing to do with the playmat beneath the set.

Ah, you've figured it out have you? Well done, that's right - the pig toy is missing. Now this isn't just a case of a single toy missing from the set. No, every single one of these £25 farm sets has had the toy pig removed because the company feels the toy may offend Jewish and Muslim parents. The backlash on the internet has been immense with petitions signed to reinstate the pig toy, including members of the muslim and jewish communities who showed that they find over use of political correctness much more offensive than toys that show a quite accurate view of a British farm. The Early Learning Centre has since pledged to reinstate the toy.

You guys know me well enough by now (and if you're a first time reader you're in for a double treat) to know that I'm not a fan of the way political correctness is used these days. Yes, we shouldn't go out of our way to offend people, and we should change certain offensive terms that have entered the public vocabulary as the right thing to say - those things I agree with. But taking a toy pig out of a farm set because it may offend some people who are part of a religion that doesn't eat pigs? Yeah, that makes sense doesn't it, and totally gives children of all religions an accurate view of farms doesn't it? It's ridiculous on so many levels but, combined with the delicious bacon sandwich lunch I had, it has inspired me to rename today's post halfway through writing it.

You have to admit, the pig is an awesome creature. They make quite cute cartoons and there's so many ways they can be eaten. However, one of those methods has become a worldwide phenomenon - bacon.

From bacon flavoured salt (which is still the only thing that can make microwave chips taste good especially the hickory flavour) all the way to bacon flavoured envelopes and bacon flavoured baby formula, J&D's has created an entire franchise from bacon, but none of their products are quite as awesome as their collaboration with fellow bacon enthusiasts and soft-drink maker Jones.

While this limited edition bacon flavoured soft drink is sure to be popular over the holidays, it may already have been trumped by Meatwater's basic breakfast drink which is flavoured like eggs and bacon on warm buttered toast. Mmmmm, sounds delicious.

Of course, J&D's isn't just relying on soft drinks to make their mildly porky fortune. They have a range of products available to fit all wallets as well as all needs. For example, you can even find portable bacon in the shape of this wonderful lip balm.

Of course, with bacon being as delicious as it is, this particular product should have an age rating on it to stop teenagers becoming confused about food and sex after their first kiss. The worst case scenario of course is that the bacon flavour on the lip balm is made so intoxicating that someone confuses a kiss with a slice of bacon and sparks a zombie flesh eating scare, so I appeal to the makers to ensure it's never too realistic.

What? It could happen, especially if people are blitzed on this meaty drink or one of the many other meat based cocktails that have recently slipped into fashion.

As you can already see, there's a lot to love about bacon and a lot or versatility to the product. Is it any wonder that it's the number one element on the periodic table of awesomeness?

However, there are some people who don't respect bacon - an entire country which insists on using only the most streaked with fat parts and cooking it until it's charred and crispy. As a British man who adores bacon it is my obligation to teach you Americans the proper way to eat bacon so that you can realise it's true awesomeness and be happy enough to stop getting into wars.

Bacon should not have fat going through it, but rather a rind on the top. Choose unsmoked back bacon and try to pick the clearest piece of meat you can.
If the butchersells it to you unsliced then slice the bacon into 5 millimetre width slices
Put the bacon on the grill (not in a frying pan) and cook at a medium heat for about a minute and twenty seconds.
Turn the bacon and cook on the same heat or a further minute.

The bacon is now done and should be placed on a slice of white bread with an optional slice of American cheese and a squirt of mustard. Top off with another slice of white bread for a delicious bacon sandwich. Other condiments that work well are ketchup and barbeque sauce. You may well rage against it, but once you've tried it this way you'll wonder why you never had it like that before.

Of course, there are some uses for overly crispy bacon. Imagine that you have a love of all things bacon (and if you don't then the readers of this post will have you up against the wall first when the bacolution comes) and you also likerotting your teeth. For the purpose of this hypothetical situation you're all out of the bacon flavoured soft drink mentioned earlier on. What can you do? Where can you turn?

Luckily Marini's, not content with their chocolate covered bacon boxes (the slightly healthier dark chocolate alternative is pictured on the right), have come up with Vegan's Nightmare ice cream (chocolate covered bacon in maple syrup ice cream). You can almost hear the screams from the root canals, can't you?

As you can probably tell, bacon is taking the world by storm.

From Max nested elements reached to Max nested elements reached and even Max nested elements reached, it seems that bacon can do no wrong (especially once you Americans follow the advice in this post).

It's only fitting that we go full circle with this post and back to children's toys to finish it off. Meet My First Bacon, a new toy by ThinkGeek. This toy started life as an April Fool's joke with the following video: Max nested elements reachedMax nested elements reached / Max nested elements reachedMax nested elements reached. The toy proved to be so popular a request that it had to be manufactured and sold to the general public.

Max nested elements reachedMax nested elements reachedMax nested elements reachedMax nested elements reached

If you're a true bacon-lover (and if not, why not?) then you can Max nested elements reachedMax nested elements reached and "teach your kids to love bacon, not pigs", which kind of steps all over how this post started off really, doesn't it? Ah, who cares, this is bacon!!!

34 comments