The Dark Furie

When you have eliminated the impossible whatever's left, no matter how improbable must be the truth. So states the principle of Occam's Razor if you listen to some people. The simplest answer is always the truth is the principle of Occam's Razor if you listen to others. Both are kind of right, both are very quotable, and neither is the way I see things. Occam's Razor states simply that the best explanation for any phenomena is the one that contains the facts and nothing but the facts, with no guesswork and no leaps of explanatory faith needed. As such I can state with no problems whatsoever that "I am a cool guy." While this no doubt comes as no surprise to you guys who worship the ground I walk on and eagerly devour every word I have to say (type?) every day of your lives (no doubt declaring national days of mourning and organised silences whenever I take a day away from blogging), it's a conclusion I've only recently arrived at through the very scientific method I described above.

There are other things that have tipped me off to the fact that I'm so cool that I make Fonzie look like a mug of warm cocoa on a sticky summer's night. For example, that wonderous day that I realised the world truly does revolve around me. I'd always wondered before then why interesting things only happened in my life when I was there...

You see, back in 2006 I read an article about blogging and how it's mostly used by companies to spread their brand and maintain a personal side to their brand or by people trying to make a fortune with their life story. It was obvious from the article that the author considered all bloggers to be geeks at heart. In 2008 I read an article that spoke about the rapid growth of blogging and social network use and how "all the cool kids have been doing it for at least a year". As I started blogging in 2007 it's obvious that I'm one of the cool kids which was my first step towards realising just how cool I am.

Of course I had to be careful when writing this post. After all, the scientific method I used to reach my conclusion is one of the uncoolest subjects to ever be written about in a blog post. It seems like whatever moron discovers the principle has to write about it as soon as they can in some transparent attempt to prove that they're more intelligent than others and, if that over-eagerness wasn't enough, they all follow the same format too. First they come up with their own meaning for it, which they'll establish in their opening paragraph as the right meaning while disparaging others' understanding of the concept, then they'll come up with some lame experiment based off a single subject or anecdote, then they'll read the results of the test to prove something to themselves that these lame morons desperately want others to believe. It was tricky to avoid these pitfalls but I think I managed admirably. After all, I'm a cool guy and pressure situations don't get me down.

Now I realise that some of you habitual naysayers may well be scoffing at this post and I do feel sorry for you trying desperately to disprove the scientific method and constantly failing. You may even go to the lengths of a smear campaign, saying that if I were truly as cool as I say I am then I wouldn't have to say it at all. Well, there's a problem there. Certainly that would be true if it was one of you guys claiming to be this cool, but I'm not one of you guys and shouldn't be judged as such. True, with regular levels of cool, saying that you're as cool as they come (I've had that hand-stitched into my business cards) would lose you about 70% of your coolness. But I'm so cool that even running at only 30% I can still keep a steak chilled until dinner and have enough raw coolness left over to run a small airport (the sort with three planes and a cattle-grid) as well as make everyone who reads this look cooler by proxy. So yeah, given those circumstances I think I can get away with stating these hard scientific facts in an effort to get everyone to understand a scientific principle a little better.