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Elisha is prophet and successor to the Great Elijah (who was bodily raised to heaven). Being Yahweh's spokesman, Elisha should not be mocked. But on his way to Bethel he was jeered by small boys. Big mistake! Elisha cursed the kids in the name of the merciful god Yahweh, and two bears came out of the woods and ripped up forty two of the little rascals:

He went up from there to Bethel. As he was going up by the way, some youths came out of the city and mocked him, and said to him, "Go up, you baldy! Go up, you baldhead!" He looked behind him and saw them, and cursed them in the name of Yahweh. Two female bears came out of the woods, and mauled forty-two of those youths. (2 Kings 2:23-24)

The bible god Yahweh, for some unknown reason, sought to kill his prophet Moses. But Zipporah, Moses' wife, cut off her son's foreskin (poor kid) and threw it at Moses' feet. This seemed to have pacified the murderous deity and he let Moses live.

It happened on the way at a lodging place, that Yahweh met Moses and wanted to kill him. Then Zipporah took a flint, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet; and she said, "Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me." So he let him alone. Then she said, "You are a bridegroom of blood," because of the circumcision. (Exodus 4:24-26)

Oddly, I don't recall this scene depicted in the movies The Ten Commandments and The Prince of Egypt.



Balaam was a renowned soothsayer and he was sought by kings to bring messages from the gods. One day, Balak the Moabite king called for Balaam, Yahweh entered Balaam's dream and told him not to go to Balak (Num 22:7-13). Balak sought for Balaam again, and Yahweh said in his dream: If the men have come to call you, rise up, go with them; but only the word which I speak to you, that you shall do (Num 22:20). When Balaam did as Yahweh ordered and went with the Moabites to Balak, Yahweh got angry at Balaam for doing so (Num 22:22)! Yahweh then sent an invisible angel to stop Balaam from going:

God’s anger was kindled because he went; and the angel of Yahweh placed himself in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. The donkey saw the angel of Yahweh standing in the way, with his sword drawn in his hand; and the donkey turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam struck the donkey, to turn her into the way. Then the angel of Yahweh stood in a narrow path between the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side. The donkey saw the angel of Yahweh, and she thrust herself to the wall, and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall: and he struck her again.

The angel of Yahweh went further, and stood in a narrow place, where there was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. The donkey saw the angel of Yahweh, and she lay down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he struck the donkey with his staff. (Numbers 22:22-27)

What happens next is straight out of Shrek:

Yahweh opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?"

Balaam said to the donkey, "Because you have mocked me, I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would have killed you."

The donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your donkey, on which you have ridden all your life long to this day? Was I ever in the habit of doing so to you?"

He said, "No." (Numbers 22:28-30)

A talking donkey! If anyone asks me why I consider the bible too fantastic to be believed, this is one of the stories I like to tell.

This is part of my National Bible Week series.