I Can See You.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010 2:39:14 PM
Sometimes I just sit there on the couch and stare at my husband. I have no particular reason for really doing this except that I love to look at people that I love, including my animals. Plus I just like looking at people in general too. Often my husband will ask me why I'm looking at him, to which I will reply:
"Because I like to look at you. Can't I look at you?"
To which he will often good humored say, "Sure."
To which I ask, "Does it bother you that I like to look at you?"
"Okay, then I'm gonna keep looking."
Actually, what I should have said to the first question is: "Because I'm looking for you."
I've always been the sort of person that for some inexplicable reason likes to look at people, seeing if I can really find who they are behind their eyes. As a child I remember feeling a strong sense of trying to look for the soul of a person within the body and understanding that there was certainly more than just the flesh lingering in their bodies.
I'm also highly aware that my personal level of curiosity towards others could actually come across as evasive and could make them defensive or afraid of me. It really bothers me greatly that I might be upsetting people, so I really try to curb that ingrained natural tendency to linger over looking at people....but that could never last. My desire to make contact with people silently and behind their eyes has always ruled a larger part of who I am and stopping that would be like forcing myself to never eat again.
I like looking at people and seeing if they actually come across beyond the facade of who they put forth to the world at large. I like finding the beauty in a conglomeration of facial features to find that their is someone very beautiful beyond just under the skin. I like watching people glide through the world as if who they are is squashed down into this body that is too small for the substance of their being.
I've watched people that I've worked with in my field sort of look at the hair of the people they are working with, but they seldom look at the person. I never do that. To me your hair is not nearly as important at who you are in that head and I will always look for that first and try and talk to that person before we even get around to discussing your hair. Because of that I suppose it is why I have so many clients that have opened up to me over the years and that considered me a friend...and I am that, their friend.
And that is the secret behind my need to really look at people, I'm searching for it all: the loveliness and the ugliness, what is storming behind the battened down windows, what do they really say when they look back at you, what do they really cry out for? I want to know it all. Beautiful and ugly, saint and sin. People are far to complex to imagine that they are simply good or bad and if I can somehow see the whole within their eyes then I am all the more happy for it.
I wish we could all wear who we are as easily on our faces as my cats do. Animals are exactly what they are when you look at them in the time frame of the looking. They have no reason to hide what it is that they need or are thinking. Sure a sweeter cat may get more attention, but this isn't always true. I have known people that had wonderfully sweet cats and dogs and still these people treated them with about as much importance as a vase on a hallway table.
Better behavior is no guarantee of a reward in both the human and animal worlds.
Cats can be everything: haughty, demanding, loving, contented, angry, bored, calm. They have no reasons to apologize for what they are since it makes no difference in their situation. It is almost sometimes that it seems that animals are much smarter then we are. In a way it is like they already understand that the world will move as it does no matter how hard they try to be consistent, so they just let themselves adapt to the events at the time they are in them. Animals were given a gift in that they have a inability to have ego, even if they can become jealous, they still only live in the the moment and often far more honestly then we as humans do.
You know what one of the best and most honest moments in looking at humans is? When you are sitting at a light across from another car. There is nothing more naked than the way we all think we are somehow invisible or without notice in our cars. I get rather excited when I'm looking across a intersection at someone and see them looking at me too. When your eyes connect, when you really see that you are both looking at one another, that is one of the most honest moments two people can share. There is no conversation to block the naked emotions because you both feel safe and invisible in your cars. There is no worry about risking getting to know one another, so why not let the person that you are really get a good look at this perfect stranger? Why not just let a little of the spirit of who you are leak out in return?
When your staring at me across the zooming field of cars...I can really see YOU....not your idea of YOU. I don't need to know more then that, although it makes me curious to stop and talk to you.
But I know that won't happen.
We both have lives to run off to, as much as we both noticed the tangible spark of deeper humanity across the way. It is compelling but sometimes just knowing its there is enough.
I love that.
Sometimes it's better to feel and recognize others then it is to know them.
So if I'm staring at you, don't be alarmed. I'm just trying to find some recognizable essence of your soul and tell it hello. I'm not trying to destroy you or peel you back from your safe and hiding skin.
...That is unless you give me lots of time to stare....then you'll feel my plucking fingers....
"Are you in there? Hello!?! Don't run away! We could be friends!"