Marcella Emma

Nostalgia

Tuesday, 29. January 2008, 22:30:18

People say that past is always better than present... for me it's not true: it's all in our mind.
In the past we were children, younger, we had less experience and less knowlegdes about life and things, so, we use to remember that time as a pink and paradisiac period.

But it's not true. I remember everything about my past, not only the good things. I remember all the difficulties, all the illusions and the frustrations and disillusions... All the fights for little stupid things. I remeber when I won and also when I was defeated.
Golden age did never exist: it's all in your mind. There has been no Golden age. Un'Età dell'oro non è mai esistita!
Everythig chages, to remain the same.

This way of thinking made me more far from the real world than ever. Even my birth-place is extraneous to me... And by those times, it very easy to dislike my own home-land...

But I'm not sad. I'm only disappointed... better, I'm only indifferent.
My homeland ignores me, it threats its sons like slaves... so, I don't feel Italian, or something else... I feel like I'm stateless... I have no identity, even if my country is so rich of many different cultures.
Home is where I put my feet, and it'll be very hard to anyone to convince me to change my mind.
I'm not sad. I'm used not to have any roots. I have only my drawings, my stories, my dreams without a exit in the real world... I have only my books and my PC... I'm also nothing without my friends...

School did'n teach my anything useful to not be afraid of everything (my Maths teacher was a mad preacher, who used the last ten minutes of the lesson to explain numbers, and the rest of the hour to remember how we are unlucky, to live in a period like this, and remember us how many disasters will happen in the future; the Italian Literature teacher loved to tell us about gossips, not to teach us how to read properly a poem, and used to say she was almost God, telling us how we were stupid... not telling about the others!)...

I'm always afraid, but I have to go on... I have only to go on.
All I want is to live, everyday. I steal my life everyday...

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Comments

Michelle # 30. January 2008, 09:55

yes, i think it is us who have changed, although the world is bigger now with global technology and in some ways harsher..but it is all relative, because my parents probably felt the world was difficult too, and their parents and on and on...remembering when they were young and "it was simpler"

without fear, there can be no courage, i think. it sounds you have plenty of "identity" just not a world-imposed one. those are the best kind!

your school sounds crazier than mine!

Marcella Emma # 31. January 2008, 21:23

You have no idea, my dear, of Italian scholl!
And I'm lucky in many ways, either!

My entire outside world is going down, every day we fall a little bit more. And no-one seems able to see how all this world is a fake.

Scholl, for an easy example, is made for teachers, not for students. A big number of teachers don't go to school for months, to stay at home and to do things they like, not caring of their students and what they learn from this. And everything in Italy works this way.

All is made for the one with power, not for those who need it...

There's no place for me in a world of fake things, so, I do the thing I'm born and best for: drawing, creating, inventing.
My 'Fantastic things' are more more real than all the world around me.

All the young people (the ones without famous or powerful relatives) have the same dark shade in the eyes: the shade of the abandon. We have no hope and no future.

How can someone live without hope and future?

Rhona Kirsten # 3. February 2008, 12:15

My year six homeroom teacher was like that. I feel that way about my childhood too Marcella. I actually think the older I get the more golden the era

Being an adult allows alot more and different coices, to me that's freedom

Michelle # 3. February 2008, 14:32

i agree that the world has its fake aspects. i'm the last person to have found that easy to deal with. if you have found some joy and authenticity in your art and inventing, then more power to you!

who can live without hope and a future? too true. who can? we must make our own as best as we know how. and we must learn how to do it the way it suits us or we will not know happiness.

hugs to you on this sunday..the day made for dreaming

Marcella Emma # 3. February 2008, 17:15

I know that a Golden Age can't exist because of human nature. It's only an utopia. But I do what I have to do and I try to find a way that I can call mine... It's why we live, don't we?

when I speak about fake things, I mean not only the little fights about a ridiculous matter, but of all Italian system... and it's very discomforting.

Sunday is made for dreaming? Dunno... I think everyday can be a day for dreaming, if you can cut a space for you. My problem is that my own space is one of my main priorities, so people does not like my savage and strange behaviour... but I'm surviving thanks to it.
I passed school-years without any friend, and with the mess at home. Now times are a little more plain, so it seems a little bit easy, but i know it's not true. I'm always on guard.
I have me as the centre of my world, even if I think I'm not selfish. I say it again: I'm only surviving...

Thank you, Rhona and Capegirl...

Sonam Mathuria # 4. February 2008, 09:49

I always refuse to think negative...even for myself and even other...i am a great optimist...."There will come soft rains"

Marcella Emma # 4. February 2008, 10:30

I think you do know it's difficult, and it does not work all the times... It's the right medicine, I know this... but I also see all my outside world goin in ruins...
Garbage in the middle of the streets, empty shops, corruption and indifference... not talking about the toxic things... blah...

I try not to think about it, to do whatever I have to do. And not to preach too about this things to my loved ones.
In my little corner, all is good, and all it's right. It's a beginning, isn't it?

Chaos powered transgenic Numero1

Sonam Mathuria # 4. February 2008, 10:34

But it works for me....even if i'm down and out..i refuse to be defeated....i love taking challenges on the chin:yes:

Marcella Emma # 4. February 2008, 10:39

Yeah, so do I... but with a difference: the rules have to be clear and for both me and the opponent. In this case, I can accept loosing the match. But it happens that a condition like this is another absurd pretension. You have to fight with all maluses...

Sonam Mathuria # 4. February 2008, 10:45

Rhona Kirsten # 4. February 2008, 12:20

Ur welcome Marcella

I say pooey to surviving!! Iv'e been there done that. Here's to thriving!!

Sonam Mathuria # 4. February 2008, 12:38

Michelle # 4. February 2008, 14:40

thriving defnitely follows surviving

Sonam Mathuria # 7. February 2008, 11:07

Rhona Kirsten # 7. February 2008, 11:08

Sonam Mathuria # 8. February 2008, 10:37

Everubody...so cool these days:lol:

Marcella Emma # 8. February 2008, 15:57

Thank you...
Tell me...What's easy?

Sonam Mathuria # 9. February 2008, 12:52

Try taking things lightly....not too lightly...i ain't saying that:lol:

Michelle # 10. February 2008, 10:41

i think many things are not easy. the worthwhile ones are especially not easy, often. it's just the way the world is. a mixture of good and bad. earth is a very contrary planet. it's people are both selfish and generous. there is cruelty and humanity. what else were we expecting? i just make my little patch as decent as i can.

Marcella Emma # 13. February 2008, 15:07

Yeah... I absolutely agree with you, CapeGirl. If you make your patch, I do the same with my little corner, a little mini-place where everything can be as good as I want... but I know, I have ever known as I was a child, that it's impossible to make your fantasies come true.
So, sometimes, I feel desperate... Sometimes, I can't look the world out the windows, 'cause it can be dangerous, it can hurt me, he did hurt me...
I'm always afraid, but I'll go on... taking care of my little corner, of my friends and of everyone I love...

Michelle # 13. February 2008, 23:25

sometimes self-protection can be a prison too, though. it gives the bad things in the world more power, if we hide from it too much. then it really controls us, despite we can't control it.

life shouldn't be a fantasy, but i think we can make some dreams come true for ourselves too. the world has hurt me many times over, starting from when i was very young. too young too understand. i'm still here. i still believe. if we live, the chance is always there that we will get hurt and we probably will, but we can handle it, no? we can work it through and be ok. and if we don't live, we lose so much in turn. it's worth the discomfort to have a chance at feeling good about our choices.

without fear there can be no courage.

HUGS

Rhona Kirsten # 15. February 2008, 05:46

That's true *nods head*

Marcella Emma # 18. February 2008, 09:47

Yeah... I can say it's a real adventure, with monsters, traps and everything, everytime you put your foot out of your room.

Sonam Mathuria # 18. February 2008, 10:45

:Hi:

*too much gals talk here*

:Bye:

Marcella Emma # 18. February 2008, 10:57

Gals? What are 'gals'?
Must I become angry?

Rhona Kirsten # 18. February 2008, 12:59

Or in ur head, Marcella!

Michelle # 18. February 2008, 14:21

yes some monsters etc. but also love, joy, happiness, feeling. daisies, butterflies, the ocean, mountains, snow....children...

Marcella Emma # 19. February 2008, 16:53

Er.. so 'gals' means good things...? ^_^'

Rhona Kirsten # 22. February 2008, 09:45

Gals = girls

Michelle # 22. February 2008, 19:30

and girls are good things

Marcella Emma # 25. February 2008, 09:59

Yeah, I suppose girls are good things... You are, for an example ;-)

Rhona Kirsten # 26. February 2008, 04:39

That's true, she is.

Where r u, btw??

Marcella Emma # 29. February 2008, 10:22

Ehm... where am I?
I'm in Italy, in Ferrara, but I come from Avellino, a town three quarters of an hour far from Napoli.

I have all doubts about being a girl is a good thing. In my whole life I hadn't a lot of good experiences.

A supposed friend of mine told me she would not to be my friend anymore if I'd not tell her a secret... a very embarassing one.
Do you think friends do things like that?
Another one called me only to stay on a corner and to tell her when her father was arriving, while she was snogging her boyfriend.

And then, they gone out of my life. They came only to harm me, then, they left me.

It's difficult now to trust people, for me...

Sonam Mathuria # 29. February 2008, 11:08

Michelle # 29. February 2008, 11:43

thank you girls !

no friends don't do things like that, but many people do things like that. the fact that you were used by these people just tells me that you are a giving, empathetic person, who likes to help and please others. there is nothing wrong with that, but there are people on our planet that use such people for their own ends, without thinking, and without returning the favor.

they might not always know what they are doing. it may be caused by their own pain. that doesn't matter..they're still doing it and hurting you..so don't let them.

the onus is on you to make sure this does not happen, if it's not what you appreciate or in line with the values you hold for your life. just remove yourself from them when you see the signs. and over time, you've become quite good at spotting the signs? i know i have. remove yourself from it, or they'll do it over and over again..until YOU have nothing left for YOU.

now you have energy available, right? because all the negative things are being dispensed with. so now you can use it for you and for others who are able to be gentle and reciprocal with you.

you can use that energy to make your life happy and peaceful. do not waste another minute on thinking about what they have done, it's not worth it, and they are not thinking of you, or the pain they have caused.

not everybody is a taker. find those who give to you, they are out there....by all means help and support, but keep enough for you too

i honestly believe that how much we trust people is about US, not them. If we are happy, confident and looking after ourselves..what is to fear from liars and users? they can't touch us when we know what we want. when we make ourselves happy, there is no need to be afraid and sad, because these things are put down and now our arms are strong.

HUGS Marcella!

Marcella Emma # 29. February 2008, 11:56

It's because now my help is not very cheap like yesterday.
My friends can have the best of me, but no-one else. They have to convince me they need me... not only someone to use.
I can comprehend people, but I'm weak on the mind side, everyone can easily hurt me.

So I can't and don't want to give my best to everyone. It's little and precious. And I feel very sad if people can't see that thing.

I can't 'eat' anything you put in my dish; I wish I could, but I can't. So I have to choose. And I do.

Thank you, Capegirl. You've good words everytime I come here...
It's precious too.
I hope people can undestand it... Well, I think I do...

Lots of love from Italy
Marcella

Chaos powered transgenic Numero1

Rhona Kirsten # 3. March 2008, 11:58

If I could just think and let Michelle write, I'd be in heaven!

That was lovely.

It's not always easy to let go of people, even when u know they're bad for u.

Michelle # 3. March 2008, 12:45

thanks Marcella and Rhona. it means a lot

it used to be hard for me to let go...but when i truly believed i deserved good things, it became very easy:

"is this a good thing for me? is it making me feel good, am i being treated according to my values? does this person have my best interests ar heart? no. then why am i doing it? why indeed?

ok, i'll stop.

and stop lying to myself about them/it too or creating in my mind the way i'd like it to be, when my intuition and common sense tell me it's not like that

it happens for me "just like that" now. but of course if you are bonded with a child or in some other way (parents etc), then it's harder..then i guess i'd just pick my battles and base them on my child's welfare or on whatever good is possible in the relationship.

Rhona Kirsten # 4. March 2008, 12:11

Thanks

I was thinking of relations in general, but that is pretty much how I treat James. Only in regards to Asha.

Sometimes it's just born out of neccessity.

Zaki Khan # 20. May 2008, 12:07

i am very surprised to know that these problems are in Italy too , i thought they were limited to India only .... lol ..... may be "the world is not enough".

Marcella Emma # 28. May 2008, 08:44

Italy could be a paradise, but it's not, and that's all.
We can only show our best to our foreign neighbours, and hide our bad-points...

But it's for that it's easy to me to stand up and leave. I know the world around me it's not all bad or all good.
And most of my memories are also tainted by new experiences collected during years...

I wish the world could be enough for mankind... but it's not like that.

We use this expression:

<< Tira a campare! >>

That'd be sound more or less like:

<< Go on and try to live! >>

It's not very much, but something is better that nothing.

Chaos powered transgenic Numero1