Sogni

Now I got my Degree.
Some people say me that this has been a great step, a goal in life... But they don't know I lived all this period in the worst way one can imagine. I had to put aside a lot of different interests, I had to close myself in a perennial concentration, to work as fast as I could... and I'm not so fast in studying, I have never been a Speedy Gonzales student.

Every moment of the last 10 years I have been always chased by a strange sense of sin, as I had to do only duty, just duty and nothing else.

I lived as a strange secret agent on a mission. A mission where I could not see the point, a mission whose goal was hidden to me... and now it remains hidden.

Every laugh, every breath, every moment out of my duties and far from textbooks seemed to me nothing more or less then a theft. I had to steal moments of life from sudy.

All this blog, all my albums, all my photos are stolen, stolen moments from study.

I had to concentrate, I had to squeeze my own time to enhance my best ability, drawing, and I had to put away all other things. Things I could love, things that could make me grow up a bit more. Ten years is not a trick. Ten years are 10 tears.

I lived my 20s years as an old lady stuck in a secluded room... studying without a clue. All other things I did, all other things I made, are all STOLEN, all made as a rebellion, a revolution, a trasgression.

Now all is gone, finally, I have to face this new situation. I spent the great part of my life chasing teachers who did not want to understand me; they did not even try to raise me up... I was nothing, not even a plant or a vegtable, not even a pet for them. Just a number. Numero1, Number 001, the number I had been in all my school days, from Middle School to all High School and university.

I have been only a document to archive.
I live as a number now, but people don't seem to understand why I feel so uneasy.

I am hungry to live, to live out text-books, to find new spaces in my mind again, as when I was a child, in elementary school.

I try to not remember close memories. They hurt too much. But someday I will be able to do it, to face these memories, and to handle their painful effects.

But now it's too early for me. Fresh wounds, 10 year deep, have to be helaed.
So, NOW I can take a break, I can take for me some time.
I see colors of the world again, I see seasons again, I feel I will appreciate more things than before.
I have to take a breath now. And now I can see breathing a bit more not as a sin.