I have a paradox personality. I like to call it "living contradiction." I consider myself an honest person. I hate lying... actually I can't really lie 'cause I suck at it. My friend called me an open book. Every thing I feel shows on my face. I don't have a lot of friends but a lot of acquaintances; the ones I do have I cherish. To me if I call someone my friend I am willing to be vulnerable and trust in them. I hope they trust in me too. I have three levels: 1. Those I'd defend. 2. Those I'd fight for (to a higher degree than the first) and 3. Those I'd die for. You know who you are. Family is important to me. If I say I'm willing to fight for you then you are my family, the word does not solely apply to people related to you.
The thing I fear most is separation... Actually a closer word would be "abandonment". Too many times I have faced this! The people I care for end up disappearing from my life one by one. My mother, then my best friend, then the second woman that raised me, then he whom I lovingly call "big brother", next a dear uncle, etc. ... With the constant changes in life it is hard to keep up with everything. More so with the constant criticism.
"Demon Child"... That was the name given to me at a young age describing my spoiled nature, stubbornness and lack of what they (the adults) called a "normal, functioning family".
So what if my mother just left me one day?! So what if my family was so poor my father could not afford to raise us?! Are the faults in your adult world the faults of us children as well?! So it is because we can not control our living situation that suddenly makes us unfit people?! That's absurd!!!
Yet it still gets to me... Some part deep inside nags at me... Despite all the hardship in my life there have been moments of happiness. These were times I truly enjoyed life but these were also times in which I found the most pain. Pain that I can not describe vividly enough except to say that it is much worse than any other I have faced. This is the pain of the conscious and subconscious mind! The eternal sting of the heart which leaves a wound so deep even time may not fully heal it! It burrows into my soul like some ravenous living entity mocking me every time I find what I think is safety and security. This is why for the longest time I feared happiness.
I may seem rather weak and fragile at times but I know I am not. Not to the level many may think. I do not fear pain, in the physical sense. Being beaten is nothing new to me. It's the emotional part of it that I can't deal with! Slaps across the face for small mistakes, whipped, held down and pounded with fists, attacked with knives; yes I have lived through it! I know pain. It was practically an unwelcome friend of mine. I don't fear pain. I felt it everyday. The agony came from the person doing it. The person that told me she loved me in one second and turned around to beat me a second later confused me. Yet some kind of twisted love remained there even after she left... I did take something from all of it though. In order to deal with all of it I had to do exactly that and deal with it. I learned a trick to it. If I don't allow myself to feel then it hurts alot less. By "feel" I mean ALL feeling... Happiness is one of them. Every time I came close to that feeling it seemed like someone I loved would leave. Perhaps this is fate. That is why I chose to keep my distance from people. The truth is I didn't really know how. I was not... ready to be happy I guess...
That changed when I met my friends. Real friends that I could depend on. I learned that living each day in the moment and actually allowing myself to fully enjoy all the emotions locked into it was the best feeling I ever had. Each one of them means something special to me. Each person that has entered my life (even if it was not always pleasant) they have all taught me a something valuable.
I want to thank all the people that have entered my life and who are still here, who have gone away, and also the people I have not met yet from the bottom of my heart. I would not change my life in anyway. All the pain makes me love the precious moments so much more. I am who I am now because of these experience. My only wish is to share the kindness I was given with others... maybe they will share with others and one day help someone much like me.
I'm not afraid to lose anymore. With every loss I gain something. Loss can be a good thing too. If our minds choose to see it that way. I wish to be a positive person that understands myself and my feelings even in hard times. So I want to say no matter what happens tomorrow I want to keep believing that no matter what I can still find happiness and it is ok to feel. I want to think always that "sad for the moment does not mean sad forever". Not just think it I will do it. This is a personal promise.
"You can never get in trouble for your thoughts. You should never get in trouble for your beliefs but always know that your actions are your responsibility so be careful of them" -- from someone special to me
It's important to remember that we are not the only ones living in this world. We are surrounded by life and all life must be respected. The things we do and say affect the people and environment around us so we must remember to be careful in our words and actions. In this world crawling with people we only have each other, if we do not help each other then we will forever be lost.
So as I was once told by someone very important:
"Help others. Be honest about it. Help them and do not harm them. Everything is connected so pain is connected as well. That is what karma is. All things done return to you. Do good then receive it, do harm then accept it as punishment."
This is the Miyavi profile code.
Since I said that if I find a better way to send you the code then I would send to you I wanted to keep my promise.
I hope you like. If you want then I can get you a different banner/header if you don't like this one.
Well anyway enjoy! ^___^
The first part is the header code. After the break is the actual profile code:
I've been thinking a lot about the kind of person I want to be and what I want to do later in life... well there are a lot of things I could say I want, like "I want to be a doctor" or "I want to be a stronger person" but that doesn't seem quite right to me...
What I really want to do is help people. It's the only thing I have every wanted. One day I will be a nurse! I don't question that possibility.... but that is not enough for me. I want something more than that. I want to help people... all people... not just physically but the whole person. Their mind, body, spirit... everything about them!
And I don't just want it to be part of my job! I want this to be an everyday thing. An every second thing! I want to care for people whenever and wherever I see that they need help... I want to reach out to them when they feel no one is listening, when no one seems to care, when everyone seems too busy... I want to stop and listen. and let them know they are not alone. It doesn't matter if it's at school, at the store, or in the park... It doesn't matter if they are a guy or girl; old or young; a friend or a stranger... I want to help them just like someone once helped me. I want to share with them the same kind of kindness someone once shared with me and had taught me to care in this way...
I don't know how yet but I think this is a good place to start. I believe that doing simple things can be really helpful. For every person that reads this and stops to think about this then that's one more person thinking about others. For every person that reads this and thinks about how they feel and the people they love and people they want to help then that is one more person who wants to change. And for every person who reads this and has ever felt the kind of loneliness that makes them feel like the world is crashing down on them or that no one can help them, I want them to know I want to try. I want them to know that someone is holding out their hand to help them stand on their feet again after they have fallen.
This is my philosophy: If we all could change the way we view things we can change a lot of things. If we are willing to see that equality rules over majority, and that there is satisfaction in fair compromise maybe we can have that brighter future we all strive for. It is my belief that a small gesture, a kind word of encouragement, even a simple heartfelt thank you for being you can make a world of difference to someone, because that someone is the world! We are society. Society is the individual! It is the smaller pieces that make up the whole and create the picture to the puzzle. If you reach out your hand, just leave it out their soon someone will take your offer and maybe they will also reach out to others. At least that is one more person than there was before.
Someone once said a very wise thing to me: If you reach out to 5 people and are able to help one and that one person reaches out to 10 and help 2 then we will start to see the effects.
I want this to be a chain reaction. A movement if you will. I don't know if this will get as far as I want it too but I would just hate myself if I didn't even try. I don't want to give up before I even start! Please watch the video. I think it sends my message out pretty clearly.
Blacked Eyed Peas -- "Union"
[One for all 3x] [It’s all it’s all for one]
[Chorus] Let’s start a union, calling every human It’s one for all and all for one Let’s live in unison, calling every citizen It’s one for all and all for one
We don’t want war- can’t take no more It’s drastic time for sure We need a antidote and a cure Coz do you really think Mohammad got a problem with Jehovah We don’t want war – imagine if any prophet was alive In current days amongst you and I You think they’d view life like you and I do Or would they sit and contemplate on why Do we live this way, act and behave this way We still live in primitive today Coz the peace in the destination of war can’t be the way There’s no way, so people just be a woman be a man Realize that you can’t change the world by changing yourself And understand that we’re all just the same So when I count to three let’s change
[Chorus]
Got no time for grand philosophy I barely keep my head above the tide I got this mortgage, got three kids at school What you’re saying is the truth, but really troubles me inside I’d change the world if I could change my mind If I could live beyond my fears Exchanging unity for all my insecurity Exchanging laughter for my tears
[Chorus]
I don’t know, y’all, we in a real deposition In the midst of all this negative condition Divided by beliefs, differences and religion Why do we keep missing the point in our mission? Why do we keep killing each other, what’s the reason? God made us all equal in his vision I wish that I could make music as a religion Then we could harmonize together in this mission Listen, I know it’s really hard to make changes But two of us could help rearrange this curse Utilizing all the power in our voices Together we will unite and make the right choices And fight for education, save the next generation Come together as one I don’t understand why it’s never been done So let’s change on the count of one
It takes one, just one And then one follows the other one And then another follows the other one Next thing you know you got a billion People doing some wonderful things People doing some powerful things Let’s change and do some powerful things Unity could be a wonderful thing
My Opera
