My Opera is closing 3rd of March

Every Nice Sunday Afternoon

If the story is over, this chapter my last....Let it be my best one, let it be my own

Thursday, March 28, 2013 1:21:58 AM

"For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
T.S. Eliot

The Black Rivers' Edge has been Revamped"Finish each day and be done with it.

Comments

Kathy BoulierICU109 Friday, May 10, 2013 5:19:17 AM

2012 just hit me a little late is all. Divorce is looming, not from my choice, law allows 1 person to make decision for 2. I thought we were one. But have grown apart as he has worked out of state near 4 years now, remaking himself, enjoying the freedom, not interested in a sick wife, nor the work to care for me and the energy it would take away from his fun and happiness. I think the happy cup he shall partake in will turn bitter in the end. I feel sorry for him, such a simple person, fun and games is life to him. Responsibility, not so much. So I am here with a caretaker who himself is slowly losing his mind with hallucinations and delusions from his VietNam days.... doing what the voices tell him... I fear for his sanity, and my own. I have my online friends I touch base and I feel the ground beneath my feet again. I do a composite and I feel an accomplishment. Some are simple when I have little to pour into them, some more complex when my mind can concentrate more deeply. If I give that up, I shall be lost. 2012, end of my world had begun but a new year means to get off the sorry for myself bandwagon and do more art. and learn more about my programs. Photoshop CC is coming in June, already the tutorials are out for Creative Cloud members so I have something to read now that I have finished The Help, 1Q84, a novel by Solzhenitsyn, and the Hidden History of the Human Race, a shortened version of Forbidden Archeology. I love paleoanthropology. It rocks like Stratovarius!

der WandersmannderWandersmann Friday, May 10, 2013 6:05:11 AM

Well, I could say I felt it coming a year and a half ago, but that's no damned comfort to you. I reckon this might sound a little strange, but I'm gonna say it anyway: You're better off without him. Thought, when you first told me about him, that he didn't sound like it'd be worth the powder and lead to get rid of him.
Now, you be sure you get yourself a good lawyer. Pro bono, if you can.
And I know it's rough ... losing a dream is always rough. You're strong enough to get through it and be OK on the other side.

Kathy BoulierICU109 Friday, May 10, 2013 6:18:46 AM

Baby, that's all it was - a dream, an illusion, smoke and mirrors. I've no money for a lawyer but since he filed I guess he pays but I have nothing he can take and he has nada I want, kids weren't his and they be grown. And he an empty head and just like you said, not worth my time. I was crying over an apparition, a fairytale from my girlhood, and crying for everything I'd ever lost all rolled up into that dummy. He don't want me. I don't need him. He all into Karl. I got shunned out the Boulier tribe and don't giva damn. I got my dawg and my birds and a crazy black caretaker who gets stuff done on his good days. He stay offa the drink and drugs he better. I just sit here and stay away from him and listen make sure he ain't killin himself or bothering my birds. He been ok but he listening to voices and that dangerous. I may just have to call 911 on him sometime...it comes and goes, like I said, worse with chemical boosts. Karl, I can forget. Divorce, never done it. Widowed once that's all. Threw away 2 letters with Port Huron lawyer return addresses on them into the trash. I figure I can irritate him that way and do my basic M.O. and ignore it all, sweep it under the rug so to speak and it will go away. Some things have gone away once ignored, maybe this will too or I can always take off, been known to do that too. Gotta car, got bird travel cages. Gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday, gone like a Civil War soldier bang bang, gone like a 59 Cadillac and all the good things in life ain't never comin back she gone......bye bye. We see how it play out. I ain't stupid but I also ain't being played. Best start lookin for a better profile pic, that more important to me that all the other foofoo.

der WandersmannderWandersmann Saturday, May 11, 2013 6:42:56 AM

Do I remember you saying you were off your meds? And you're on LiCO3? I know you must hate the stuff; it's like trying to run while up to your neck in water, only mentally. There are other things now; has your shrink tried any of them on you? Or adjusted your dosage?
And WTF is the matter with your Title XIX? Or your Medicare Part D?

Kathy BoulierICU109 Wednesday, May 22, 2013 4:55:44 PM

no, not I dear, on same: Xanax 1 mg tid, catapress ( a blood pressure med that on very low doses has calming effect - 1 at nite, can also take a half during day if needed, forget the dose.. also 1 paxil a day, sometimes forget it, but since my daughter the know it all doc, says it helps potentiate the Xanax to work better I try and remember it. Thats all cept multi vit which I rarely recall, and Vit D which since I'm a veritable hermit need to take and recall on occasion. so no, don't know what LiCO3 could possibly be. Trying to keep the divorce off my mind, ignored the papers. They sitting in Ureys room. He has been since Jan very delusional; VERY. Up for days talking with invisible people, actually vestiges from pre conscious mentality touted by Julian Jaynes in The Origins of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind; I've read that several times since it came out 30 years ago - the right hemisphere is where voices came from and crossed over to the left where they were "heard" by early humanity as if a real voice or a voice of a "god", giving instructions etc in times of stress or decision making. Now a new book is out I am devouring, Reflections on the Dawn of Consciousness (Julian Jaynes' Bicameral Mind Theory Revisited) edited by Marcel Kuijsten and it is fabulous! So Urey, Post Traumatic from VN days victim, is hearing voices from the right side of his brain, attributing them to "visitors" etc and actually doing what they say. It is scary, fascinating, frustrating, now with karl and his mess with his empty head, I am just staying in mostly, reading. Having hard time being creative. Lori the know it all daughter, did get me a gift certificate to Amazon, so I shall become dangerous once I know any more crap and I am a damned sponge with books. cheers, feeling better, been sleeping at least 16 hours a day. I haven't seen the psychiatrist. Too much commotion out there, best here in my quiet room. so those are the only meds I'm on and I'm ok.

der WandersmannderWandersmann Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7:26:15 PM

LiCO3 = Lithium Carbonate.

Kathy BoulierICU109 Sunday, May 26, 2013 8:50:51 AM

oh. duh. It is the only thing I can take, if and when I think the swings are irritating enough to carry my ass to the psych guy and get some. I have been on too much chemo methotrexate to test my liver further with hepatic clearing chemicals. I can only take renal clearance. I also contracted a nice mildly symptomatic yet active case of hep C being a post surg/code team leader for so many years. So it's lithium or nada and I prefer not going in and out the door for dr visits, lab levels and a drug that don't even get you high.

der WandersmannderWandersmann Sunday, May 26, 2013 3:42:33 PM

And some of those phlebotomists are real butchers, too. Yeah, I know ... wife used to be a real fruitcake ... two swings a year, full cycles both. Could tell the month by her behaviour. She's moderated a great deal ... seems to be something one can outgrow, but she still cycles in her attitude about everything.
Doc had her on a very low LiCO3 dose, but it still made her real sluggish. He stopped it, and the difference was amazing. He said it was almost as though she had an allergic reaction to the stuff.

Adele BrandSittingFox Monday, May 27, 2013 7:43:26 PM

Kathy, sorry to hear that you're going through such a turbulent time. Take care heart

Kathy BoulierICU109 Thursday, July 25, 2013 9:09:24 PM

I was on it for awhile back after a nice visit at christmastime 08 to the ward. when I lost medicaid I lost prescrip coverage. Have HAP now with Medicare so I can get it all covered again, just hate going out, finding something to wear, getting ready, just that ritual sets my teeth on edge. Calmer just sitting quiet in my room, my dog and a bird or two keeping watch. I've accepted the divorce my husband wants, have hardly seen him in 4 years so what's the diff. The caretaker shops, makes meals and messes when he is in his right mind, had a psychotic break himself and was sick for 4 months, better this month, back to himself, not the King of Monaco anymore and no horses of the Apocalypse are crashing thru the windows and he isn't in a battle in VietNam either. all which is better for my nerves. He mostly sleeps. thank the stars. Thank you guys for your support! It's nice to have windows open and fresh air and sun pouring in. I sit on the porch sometimes. My car needs work first of the month then I'm gone, out to take pictures before the hawk bends that corner and winter comes again. luv y'all, kat

Kathy Faye Jones Boulierflapper1 Wednesday, January 15, 2014 2:10:47 AM

been not such a problematic few months as I thought it would be, divorce still spinning cycles, the alimony discussion ended before the holidays, I'll be having some extra income for a year, not much, and out of that have to use almost half to assist in paying off back income taxes, oh well, worth it to get out from under everbodys' thumbs. Moving this summer 2014 to SLC area, Utah, daughter and hubby have snagged asst prof positions at U of U and thus mentioned U also has photoshop classes as well as many types of things I can audit (sit in on) and purely learn. My brain isn't full till the fat lady sings. Don't give 2 f's about men or any relationships at all except my kids and grandkids anymore. As Simon and Garfunkle sang, "if I'd never loved I never would've cried...I am a rock..." So. thank you all. I'll put my images up on Pictify.com/user/icu109 and I already have a Wordpress free account I can blog on, as well as if I want, webs.com has 20 page blogs for free, www.freewebs.com/icu109 is my first website I ever did, still there, address translates out to an obscenely long

http://www.webring.org/l/rd?ring=amazonring;id=6;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Efreewebs%2Ecom%2Ficu109%2F

no idea how amazon got itself in there, prob bought freewebs which had morphed into webs.com a few years back. anyway, 20 pages, and miraculously without any care or pruning, has stayed...just the alex website is down for remodeling (alex the grey) so I lost a pic there, prob have it on my drive, and I prob also have one of the few benedictions to Alex still out there. So, may do something there with an extra site... still need to get back over to your suggestion, der Wandersmann, for blog replacement and really ck it out...I'm not really a blogger, but now and again I do have to share something somewhere. Again, here, I feel a loss, a rug pulled out from beneath me, a home lost, the world actually lost. But Opera was beginning to get tacky in its' members, trolling guys for girls with no profile to back up their friend train tactics. Useralbum, started out well and then the same happened. Social networking for the young seems to be how big a friend whore you can be, how many useless pretty faced pics can u have under your friends section. I just want a gallery without drama, and pictify seems to fit me and has for some time now in that regard. My email I use the most for close friends and family is kath.icu109@gmail.com if you need to get in touch..some of you have it and I welcome the reach outs. Everbody keep broadcasting as long as we can, till the world ends here. love kat (flapper1, and ICU109)

der WandersmannderWandersmann Wednesday, January 15, 2014 3:31:25 PM

Originally posted by flapper1:

been not such a problematic few months as I thought it would be, divorce still spinning cycles


And this, too, shall pass.

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